Women who stay in abusive relationships

[Cabbageheads]

I don't want this thread to turn into one bashing women who aren't in a position to leave a relationship that's gone rotten, for whatever reason. There are however quite often posts where it's clear that there are massive red flags in a relationship, or posters are asking if abusive behaviour is abusive etc.

What I'd like to ask women in those relationships, especially women who stay, is what you think the impact on your children is.

Do you think they are aware, or do you think it's hidden?
Do you think your abusive partner is abusing the children in any way?
Do you think being in that environment is causing them harm, and if so, what is it, or do you think they are coping/unaffected and if so, why?
What do you think your relationship with your children will look like once they reach adulthood? How do you expect your children to treat you?
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship and parent well?

(For backstory, I'm the adult version of the child who grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and chose to stay in the marriage for a very long time. I'm trying to make peace with some very difficult feelings ATM).

Thank you, I have found your posts really helpful

The ones I was with at WA, some were aware, some became aware. All of them wanted to protect their kids and some had thought that they were protecting them by taking a beating, or being raped or whatever form the abuse took. They thought they were deflecting the abuse by taking the 'punishment' for whatever perceived infraction they had committed. In not protecting themselves, they believed they were protecting their children. Some of them thought that a roof over their children's heads was better than being homeless, especially if the abuse was cyclical and they could stretch the cycle. Like I said, it's complex and there are no generalisations.

They definitely see it, but choose not to do anything about it. Just like the abusers know they are abusing and choose not to do anything about it.

People know it's not right, but they actively choose not to do something about it, for a variety of reasons, and then later some use these reasons to absolve themselves of accountability of not protecting their children.

👏👏 I absolutely agree with this.

I am sorry you went through this…. I am curious as to how he became a different person when he got re married…. Seems to go against the edict that abusers don’t change…

I honestly don’t know. I was in reception when my parents separated, and turned 8 shortly after he remarried. My memories are blurred into each other, and some are partly what my siblings remember. I don’t even remember exactly when things changed.

One of my older siblings thinks he remembers someone knocking (he assumes a neighbour) one night after dad had really lost it. His memory is that things started calmed down after then. I’ve often wondered if that scared him? We also moved in with my step-mam shortly afterwards (apparently. I don’t remember this)

We were living with my step-mam and step siblings for a while before they married, and neither my siblings or I remember him ever ‘kicking off’ there. I’ve wondered if the fact that my eldest step sibling was 17, and a tall, strong man ‘forced’ him to behave?

I’ve also wondered if the fact that my own siblings were getting older, and so more likely to object to seeing him played a part. If they refused to see him, I assume people would have asked questions. He’s very intelligent, and his reputation matters a great deal to him, he won’t have wanted that kind of attention.

My step-mam (obviously) and step-siblings all thought very highly of my dad before they found out about my childhood. They actually accused my eldest sibling was lying to damage my dad’s reputation when he confronted our dad. It was only when my other sibling and I confirmed it was true, that they believed it. But they were stunned.

He has attempted to apologise to me, but it was an exceptionally vague apology “for, you know”. He was never open to talking about the past, so my questions would go unanswered.

He and my step-mam are no longer together, and I see him very infrequently. There is every chance he his behaving the way he used to (minus the children) behind closed doors.

All of that is a lot to say, I don’t know how he changed, or if he really did. But (at least for that period of time), we felt safer. And the people newer to his life would have had no idea.

I think you could ask the abuser these very same questions. What does he think when he looks at his wife and children and the harm he is causing through his behaviour?

I'm very sorry for what you went through as a child, no one should have to experience that.

I never thought I would be able to leave. I tried to shelter the children, but they obviously knew.

There was so many reasons I stayed, not wanting the children to have to be unsupervised with him, the promises it would all get better and all my energy going into surviving another day.

My children are still quite young, but having had nearly half their lives tiptoeing around their dad, they can be anxious but are thriving, and are appreciative of things other children their age don’t even think about.

I was lucky to get out, after years of just surviving and having no belief life would be any different, one day I just left. I had the children in the car, I knew I was going to home to a long night of seething anger, with physical/mental/emotional abuse (it had got so bad I was thinking I probably wouldn’t survive too many more days) and thought if I got a few weeks away before he found me at least my children could see what their mum looked like happy, most of their life I’d been a scared mess.

It was the scariest decision I’ve ever made, but you don’t even realise it’s a choice because they make you feel so small. I was told that my children would never choose to stay with me if we split, my family all hated me and wouldn’t want me, I couldn’t live without him, and if I did leave he would find me and everyone I care about. Also every secret I told him he would tell people. I had no friends, no life just keeping him happy, trying to hide his anger from the children.

If anyone’s thinking about leaving, all his power was in the walls of that house. After all his threats, we’ve not heard from him. The police were amazing, I didn’t have obvious injuries, but they went above and beyond to keep us safe and took it really seriously.

As another part of your question, my children were able to make a statement as part of the police case, even though they were under 5. They had seen their mum be beaten and they knew how angry he was, which shocked me as I genuinely thought I had managed to keep a lot of it hidden from them.

when you have children with someone, I think you really hope that one day they will want to be the parent and parter that you see in the good times. They all have a nice side which was what you chose to be the father of your kids,I was told he could be a good dad, all I needed to do to see it again was stop being such a bad parter, I thought it was all my fault.

I could probably write a whole lot more, because it’s so complicated when you’re in the situation.

At the moment, if you didn’t know our history you couldn’t tell my children had such a traumatic start.

Yes you do…but for the avoidance of confusion, it isn’t helpful to start a post about victims that asks them why they continue to be victims. It pours more shame onto people who most likely are already at their lowest ebb and already doubt themselves and their decisions.

if you have a problem with your parents then just open with that and ask for help in dealing, don’t blame every single victim of domestic abuse as though it was their fault.

next you’ll be asking whether wearing a longer skirt at a club instead of the short skirt someone was wearing would have saved them from an SA.

stop being dumb

Most abused women simply cannot see their situation with clarity the way they can once they’ve managed to leave and built a new life

This. I often look back and I'm horrified at some of the things that happened. I can't believe that was me it happened to. I can't believe that was my life.

And fear of the unknown can play a huge part. Life seems so scary and hard at times with the person who claims to love you , you fear what other scary stuff is out there

I was with my abusive ex for 7 years. I left when my babies were 2.6 years old and 8 months old. Leaving him was honestly so so difficult. I had no faith in my own thoughts at all. Second guessed every decision I made.

I only left because of my daughter. The last attack she tried picking me up off the floor and said sorry. She was shaking and crying. Fuck, it's been 8 years and that memory still makes me cry. She thought it was her fault, it wasn't. At all. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for and I promised her she would never see that again. And she hasn't

I hate to say it because I know how difficult it is, but ultimately I do think woman are selfish when they stay and children are involved. I understand why they do stay but at the same time I don't understand how they can let their kids grow up and think that's normal

I had to move away from my hometown. I moved 60 miles away and started a brand new life where I didn't know anyone. It was incredibly hard and when I look back I have no idea how I did it. I had no family support, was 25 with a toddler and a baby. He was found guilty in court and ordered not to contact or communicate with me or the children so we got lucky in that sense

That poor kid. It makes me sick that children are put through something like that. She will be traumatized for life.

She isn't. She had therapy when she was younger and she's 10 now. She's a happy content little girl who remembers none of it. Nobody would be able to tell she had had a traumatic few years when she was a toddler

Right.

Every single thing that happens to us good and bad shapes who we are, it is very easy to convince ourselves as parents there is no effect, if that was true there would be a lot less mental health issues people have as adults

I absolutely agree our experiences shape who we are, good and bad.

Both my daughter and I are autistic ( she was diagnosed in November )

Part of the assessment process is looking at whether trauma is what is affecting the child's behaviour ( if trauma has been experienced ) ( we can also carry trauma in our genes ) and my daughter came out of the assessment with a diagnosis of Autism/Adhd. No trauma.

My friend has also been through the same process and her child's assessment came with Autism and maybe ADHD but as the child showed signs of trauma they want the child to have some therapy sessions and they will re check for adhd.

I don't believe my daughter is traumatised for life..... based on the opinion of the people whose job it is to spot trauma

Some women stay as to leave would mean their ex had the children 50% of the time as they genuinely fear for the safety of their children. Sometimes its not even extreme abuse or violence they fear but simply neglect. The courts will do nothing until after something terrible has happened.

I had to wait until the children were old enough that they could contact me directly if they needed help. I also grew up in an abusive home. I would never have imagined my previous wondeful partner would become an aggressive violent bully after i had children. I don't know if I did the right thing but I know I have tried to. Don't assume that if your mother had left you would have had a peaceful childhood. It may well have been worse.

Traumatic things can happen to children and if their adults deal with it appropriately I.e leave the abuser, talk to the children about it openly and honestly and make sure they understand it wasn’t their fault then the trauma is very much contained. The child doesn’t need to dwell or try and problem solve. They have a narrative that a bad man hurt us and mummy saved us.

it is how we respond to bad things that happen to us that counts. We cannot stop all bad things happening to us/our children.
@Changmeagainname2025 well done for doing something very very difficult.

There's a huge naivety in some of these posts.

I too would have believed, before it happened to me, that if I left an abusive man then I and my children would be safe and protected.

But it's just not that simple.

Cafcass have a very "pro contact" agenda at the moment. So you face your children being given unsupervised contact with an abuser, even when you have ample medical and police evidence.

And men who are capable of abuse are often very good liars.and manipulators.

And the child maintenance service is pretty toothless and believes any lie they are told so you still deal with financial abuse (I was lucky, I was able to climb the career ladder and minimise the effect)

I still don't regret leaving, I did what I felt was the right thing. But in making myself safe I put my children in more danger

The abuser is still an abuser. I think therapy is needed if you are more mad at a victim of abuse than the perpetrator. Maybe it's easier to be angry at the adult victim, but it seems yet another way the victim suffers at the hands of the perpetrator

Like you OP my father was abusive towards my mother. I don't know if he hit her but he probably did. He whacked me with regularity. So did my older brother. There was verbal abuse and control about going out. Financial abuse, growing up feeling rubbish because of having nothing made me feel worthless.

I hadn't a clue how to function in the world of being a teenager or young adult. I was a confident child but was told how bad I was, how rude and cheeky. That got eroded over the years.

I married a man who turned out to be abusive mentally, physically and financially. No children thank Christ.

I've had good points and successes but feeling confident about oneself has been up and down, not linear. I'd never put myself in a position where I compete with anyone. Feeling anxious also got worse as I have got older.

There was nowhere for my mum to go quite frankly.

All the usual sad reasons of fear, lack of money, lack of self esteem caused by being in the abusive relationship, they still love him because no-one is nasty all the time.
And also because there is still a stigma attached to breaking up a nuclear family and they might feel an abusive marriage is better than a single parent household, for the children? Especially if it's secret abuse, not directed at the kids, and everyone else thinks the abuser is lovely.
My mum had a friend who was a "battered wife" but her abusive husband was quite well off and she liked being a housewife (no kids) and not having to work, so she put up with it until he died!! I would like to think that's very unusual, but perhaps lifestyle and status is a reason for some to stay.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through - I'm surprised there hasn't been more discussion of this because it's the most common thing I hear from women who are being abused

I know of a woman who left and her abusive husband ended up getting resident parent status. She had on a few occasions fought back, and left marks. Her husband had meticulously recorded and overblown the evidence of this. No one believed her story, even though there were endless text messages between them that would leave any sane person no doubt that he was the abusive one, and that yes okay she occasionally hit back. She was accused of parental alienation. Fucking infuriating.

FWIW op - I also grew up in an abusive home and I totally understand what you're working through, but I don't think it is very kind to specifically call abused mothers to this thread in your title and OP when you are clearly not in a place to take any sort of sympathetic view towards them.

I think your feelings are valid and understandable, but I will say that I only ever found peace once I decided to look at my parents through the lens of their own lives and looked at each of them with sympathy. That doesn't mean I am excusing anything, but I am just accepting that people are rarely perfect and they are the product of their experiences. Very few people are truly awful, most people are trying their best even if they fail miserably. I feel sorry for both of my parents, and I wish things could have been different for their sakes and mine.

Do you ever ask the abusive fathers/stepfathers what they think when they look in the children's eyes? Do they think about the damage they are doing?

I stayed in an abusive relationship for too long, my DC was affected and I do feel guilty.

Ironically my exes dad would get drunk every weekend and abuse his mum. All of his angriness and bitterness was directed at his mum for not leaving rather than his dad who was the abuser.

To the posters who have answered the questions I actually asked, often based on personal experiences, thank you. You've been very helpful.

To the posters who have challenged me for not mentioning my father, who have called me dumb for describing my experiences, who have suggested ulterior motives, who have said that I am wrong for feeling some anger towards my mother - I found your posts upsetting and lacking in empathy. I spent long enough being told that my mother was the only victim and having to hide the distress, shame, and anger that I felt and still feel. For a long time I believed the narrative that she was the only one affected and did everything I could to support her, just as I had tried to step in and physically put myself in between them when he kicked off, keep him in a good mood, emotionally prop my mother up, never ask for anything, never need anything, make sure his demands were met no matter how insane or unreasonable. And she had let me do this, had grown to expect it and rely on it. The relationship continued until I left home, for those assuming that this was some short lived experience that I should just get over. It was my entire childhood. Twenty years, until she had an affair and left him for someone else.

I realise now that I should have expected to be criticised. That was my mistake.

Again thank you to the posters who have been helpful.