Women who stay in abusive relationships

[Cabbageheads]

I don't want this thread to turn into one bashing women who aren't in a position to leave a relationship that's gone rotten, for whatever reason. There are however quite often posts where it's clear that there are massive red flags in a relationship, or posters are asking if abusive behaviour is abusive etc.

What I'd like to ask women in those relationships, especially women who stay, is what you think the impact on your children is.

Do you think they are aware, or do you think it's hidden?
Do you think your abusive partner is abusing the children in any way?
Do you think being in that environment is causing them harm, and if so, what is it, or do you think they are coping/unaffected and if so, why?
What do you think your relationship with your children will look like once they reach adulthood? How do you expect your children to treat you?
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship and parent well?

(For backstory, I'm the adult version of the child who grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and chose to stay in the marriage for a very long time. I'm trying to make peace with some very difficult feelings ATM).

Of course the victims should be angry at the abusive parent, but it doesn’t mean the parent who stayed in the abusive relationship is absolved of any responsibility for what the children went through. I think the impact on children is often minimised to make the parent feel better about not leaving, which is both disingenuous and utterly disgraceful.

How many parents TTC yet once the children are born do nothing, this endless women are victims is all well and good if you dont add children who have to suffer becuase of adults choices

I'm going to assume you didn't mean to be utterly patronising, but that's where you've ended up.

She out earned him.
She knew I knew, because he often liked to have me witness it.
I've had therapy.
Rape in marriage? 1991.

The kind and gentle voice can get in the bin.

I know all this, but it doesn't answer any of my questions.

I was desperate for her to leave and regularly begged her to.

Post divorce she forced younger siblings to continue staying with him (I refused to go) because she had a new boyfriend and they were in the way.

It sounds like you haven't lived much real life.

I hope you're never in a situation where you're unsure whether you'll be slaughtered for leaving, along with your children, and whether it's better for them and you to stay were you are instead of being stalked and killed.

Okay, so just hate and blame an abuse victim for not being able to rise above the abuse and leave.

Call her a useless mother, an inadequate woman, and resent her forever.

You used the word children not child, if a man is so abusive after the first child, if the supposed red flags are not there till the first child rather than them deliberately being ignored, why continue to bring additional children into this?

Sometimes in my line of work, it's been because the woman is forced into sex with her husband and/or others as part of the abuse.

They don't choose pregnancy most of the time and yes, some abort secretly. Some cannot.

Or should she just shut her body down and not conceive like Todd Akin once suggested?

Can you explain why it's not helpful? I don't really understand what you mean.

If it protects future children yes! How many of course the children born into abuse turn out to be abusers and/or put up with it again and again and again, someone has to break the cycle

Because it's obvious that you're not actually interested in the cycle of abuse and the responses of abuse victims, you want to say how terrible your mother was. Which is fine, cathartic, but your views are actually harmful to other victims of abuse as it dismisses the barriers they face as actual reasons they stay in the situation.

So you believe women who are being raped can shut down their bodies on command to stop themselves conceiving? That's what US politician Tood Akin said women could do and if they didn't, it isn't legitimate rape.

Do you agree with him on any of this?

How should children raised in this environment feel? Isn't anger a normal and understandable response?

My Dad used to volunteer for the battered wives, not sure if this was its proper name but that’s what he called it. He was often on call and used to go and collect the women and children from unsafe situations and take them to the home for safety, it’s location was secret and it was an old closed down Children’s home.

99% of the women returned to the unsafe situation which frustrated the hell out of him, he be put himself in danger getting them away and if it was really bad the police would be involved. The way it worked is, they were served with an eviction notice after 30 days which entitled them to council accommodation.

Dad died in 1990 so I’d imagine these women to be your Mother’s generation.

Yes but it's misplaced towards other victims of abuse and non-productive.

I don't agree, TBH. I understand the cycle of a use fully. I know how he operated. I was there watching him do it. He did it to me.

I want to know what women in that cycle think about their children, if they are able to think about them at all. This is a valid question.

It's not helpful to say that question can't be asked in case it makes some women feel bad.

I worked with domestic abuse victims and the perpetrators for a number of years, both parties would often give themselves the children were not affected, didn't hear, were in bed etc. The perpetrators to minimise the impact of their behaviour and the victims almost as a way of holding on to the ability to keep them safe, it was also often a fear that if she left her would get unsupervised contact without her there too take the abuse.

I will say when it became apparent or a child has witnessed violence was often the trigger for a victim to leave, I used to often hear things like he can do what he wants to me but he can't treat my child that way/ I need to get out for the children. At used to do a lot of intervention on both sides to really show the impact to children even when you think they are unaware, because they really do know and are deeply affected.
There was a video with children (blurred faces) as young as five giving their experiences and challenging some of the myths, they were asleep, they know I wouldn't hurt them etc. It was incredibly powerful.

I am not American I have no idea who you are talking about, but there is contraception that can be taken

Children think they see it all. They never do. You saw some of it. You experienced what he did to you. You don't know what he did or said to your mother when you weren't there. She would have shielded you from some of it. Imagine that. As harrowing as what you saw was back then, there would have definitely been worse things you didn't see.

Is it helpful to tell victims of abuse that their feelings are inappropriate?

What would be a productive alternative?

How can you take that contraception when your movements are controlled and monitored and reprimanded with physical, sexual and emotional abuse?

You're speaking as if you agree a woman who is being raped can choose not to conceive.

Didn't say they were inappropriate. I said they were misplaced and harmful to other victims of abuse.

What should children who grow up with abuse do?