Women who stay in abusive relationships

[Cabbageheads]

I don't want this thread to turn into one bashing women who aren't in a position to leave a relationship that's gone rotten, for whatever reason. There are however quite often posts where it's clear that there are massive red flags in a relationship, or posters are asking if abusive behaviour is abusive etc.

What I'd like to ask women in those relationships, especially women who stay, is what you think the impact on your children is.

Do you think they are aware, or do you think it's hidden?
Do you think your abusive partner is abusing the children in any way?
Do you think being in that environment is causing them harm, and if so, what is it, or do you think they are coping/unaffected and if so, why?
What do you think your relationship with your children will look like once they reach adulthood? How do you expect your children to treat you?
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship and parent well?

(For backstory, I'm the adult version of the child who grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and chose to stay in the marriage for a very long time. I'm trying to make peace with some very difficult feelings ATM).

I think the person abusing failed the child. The abused person was just trying to survive.

You’re very angry but it’s not with me. Maybe you should go back to therapy and work through it. And again, if you’re still wanting answers then speak to your mum. You can’t let this continue to have such a grip on your emotional life. You need support to come to a healthier place with it. All the best.

That's what someone would tell themselves who is in complete denial about how their passive behaviour fucked up their child's life.

So is it reasonable for the child to later feel angry that the mother failed at what is really a basic bit of parenting?

My dd aged 5 was absolutely aware and yes of course it affected her environment. She’s now in her 20’s and has always suffered from anxiety. She’s also a people pleaser. However I left her abusive dad and gave her the stability she craved with her amazing step dad, and she’s now in a happy, healthy relationship of her own.

Many women are forced to by their abusive partner.

Let's hope you're never in a situation where you're being beaten and sexually exploited so you get to see what that kind of treatment does to your sense of self.

i grew up like this and have asked my mother this question outright.
She said she basically didn’t think about how it would affect me and was only thinking of her own feelings. She said she didn’t think I would be affected at all and is almost offended and shocked that I raise it all these years later.

I have been in 3 abusive relationships as an adult and had to cut contact with my abusive parent and struggled with the relationship with my mother.

Thank you. I cut contact with the abusive parent too, as soon as I was able. I'm really struggling with the relationship with my mother. Ideally I'd like to exit it without causing hurt, but I don't think this is possible.

I am saying this with much compassion: I'm not sure this thread is a healthy one for you to participate in. It's obviously very upsetting for you, I can see that, but it's also quite upsetting for children of abuse to be told their feelings are wrong.

Maybe time to stop reading it.

That does sound like a horrific situation to be in (and one that I haven't experienced - and if you have, you have my compassion), however it doesn't change the fact that both parents have let the child down - albeit in different ways of course. It doesn't remove accountability from the mother.

Go to therapy to get support to process their emotions and learn how to move forward in a healthy way that serves them better than holding on to trauma, resentment and blame. It’s not helping you or improving your life in any way. You don’t have to have a relationship with your mother if it brings you distress, but you can process your feelings and forgive her in order to move on. Also, many victims can place blame with other victims because it’s still safer than being angry at the perpetrator, whom they have been conditioned to never question, always obey and to fear reprisals from.

It's not about feelings being wrong. It's about working through feelings so they're less obstructive to you. I think it's clear you're not in that space.

Back in the day is was a hell of a lot easier to leave compared to now,you could rent very easily,

I can’t afford to rent privately,
he’s a Disney dad to the dc’s,buys them whatever they want,he’s always present for them,very involved,
if I left the dc’s don’t want to come,as we would be poor,their words,
so I stay,

until they are 18 them I’m gone.

I haven't. But I work with women who are and you come to understand the cycles that make it near impossible for them to leave.

Also I know he would make my life a living hell if I left.

It's possible be angry with two people at once. Struggling with feelings towards one parent doesn't mean you've let the other off the hook.

There have been lots of posts explaining how complicated these relationships are, why it's so difficult for women to leave.

The relationships between the children who grow up with this are complicated too but there doesn't seem to be much information about this, or much help. I've had therapy (which tbh brought up a lot of repressed anger, which I'm trying to navigate my way through). I just want to know if women in these relationships are able to 'see' their children at all as it seems that I wasn't seen, and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. It feels impossible.

You've shown no empathy for children of abuse.

But that is situational too. One of my siblings is still so angry with my mam, because she did leave, but the courts and law didn’t allow her to take us with her. He sees it as her getting herself out, at our expense. I used to beg my mam to come to my dad’s. I didn’t particularly care that they weren’t together. But being with him felt safer when she was there.

You know, it's a much different situation but it did amount to neglect.

I have a cousin who is very resentful towards her parents because when she was a child, likely a very similar time to all this, they stretched themselves to buy a home they couldn't really afford. They did this because they put a lot of value into home ownership.

The problem was that they had to go without a lot of basics to stay in a house they couldn't maintain (leaks, damp etc). And I do mean basics. Food, heating, hygiene products, fun, and it made everyone miserable. We all used to give them clothes growing up. My cousin will say she never had a new coat until she was working and bought it herself.

As her parents owned their home and worked, she says (and I'm sure it's somewhat true), it meant she wasn't eligible for the support that her peers got when their parents were in social housing or on benefits despite having much less than them. It meant her own climb out of that was even harder.

Looking back, it was definitely neglect. My aunt and uncle prioritised the wrong things. But her resentment towards them and others holds her back in her professional and social relationships. She's in her late 30s, single, struggles with work relationships and has few friends. But the fact her family were part of the working poor breaking their backs to aspire for a little bit of nothing is more of a political issue than the fault of her parents.

Go back to therapy. The anger is the first thing to come up because anger is an easy emotion. It’s much easier to be angry than to be very, very sad or to address trauma. It’s more protective to be angry than to be very vulnerable. Anger is just the beginning in therapy. It’s a basic feeling that usually masks much harder, deeper feelings. Once those are out, you can sit with them, come to a place of understanding and acceptance and move forward in a much healthier way. I never said you couldn’t be angry at both but this post focuses explicitly on your mother, that’s why I focused on your anger towards her.

OP I completely understand where you’re coming from and like you, I’m also the grown up child of a house full of abuse and it’s definitely impacted me negatively.

Hope you don’t mind me sharing my experience and thoughts.

My mother had a decent upbringing with a loving father and stability. Her first DH was abusive physically and verbally and she had my older sibling with him. They split up then she met my dad and had my other sibling then me. My dad was physically and verbally abusive, not only with my mother but with my two siblings, particularly my brother. I remember the kick off one Easter because my brother who was about 19, ate the last of the roast and my psycho dad went nuts and was punching him. He shoved my mam and cracked her ribs, gave her black eyes when she was younger and was just a miserable nasty twat. Swearing shouting and being aggressive. I moved out at 18 and never returned.

On top of that she was an alcoholic, no doubt to block out her home life then she died when I was about 20, smoked herself to death basically.

She always went for ‘toerags’ so my auntie used to say and she was right.

Fast forward 25 years and the more I get annoyed of I’m honest. Always pissed since I can remember so about 11/12, had jo real mam that I could rely on, had a shit dad as well, then had to deal with her death which was a shock, my kids had no grandparents. I look at friends parents and how lucky they are to have reliable good parents.

It makes it more of a bitter pill to swallow to know that she wasn’t trapped. She had my sister at 18 and moved back in with her parents and used to piss off out leaving her daughter with them whilst she went partying. She absolutely had support and could have got away but didn’t so we had to live with that miserable fucker whisky she got pissed in to oblivion.

Now I have my own kids I’ve never drank alcohol in front of them (ones nearly an adult!) because I remember that awful feeling of someone that was supposed to be looking after you, being out of control and unreliable. I’ve made sure they’ve had a better life than me. Their dad is amazing and one of the nicest, calmest, chilled out men and their relationship with him is a million miles away from the one o have with mine. I don’t have a relationship with him we’re almost NC and he’s a frail old man but I don’t care. You reap what you sow…

If so could have 5 minutes with her, it wouldn’t be all sweetness and light, the first thing I’d do - would be to give her a piece of my mind for the decisions she made and the shit life me and my brother had to endure. I could have gone down the same route and it would have been more understandable as (unlike her, I had no saviour, no family home to go back to, no financial help and love and support from good parents)

Christ writing that was quite sad but therapeutic. That’s how I feel.

And where is the anger at the father? The person perpetrating this abuse? You seem so furious with a mother not being brave enough to protect her children, where is the fury at the man abusing the mother?

The interesting thing is, I don't think anger is the easy emotion here. I wasn't allowed to be angry about the situation as a child. I learned early on that if I did get angry, it didn't change anything, and I got in trouble for it. Plus my father was a very angry man and I didn't want to be like him.

The anger towards my mother has come much later. That's not easy either. It's been shown on this thread that it's not considered socially acceptable to be angry at your mother in this situation, that it's something to be ashamed of.

I just wanted to know if women in this situation are aware of the damage being done to their children. The answer seems to be sometimes, but often, no.

Hear me out- feelings towards one person doesn't mean there isn't any towards another.