Women who stay in abusive relationships

[Cabbageheads]

I don't want this thread to turn into one bashing women who aren't in a position to leave a relationship that's gone rotten, for whatever reason. There are however quite often posts where it's clear that there are massive red flags in a relationship, or posters are asking if abusive behaviour is abusive etc.

What I'd like to ask women in those relationships, especially women who stay, is what you think the impact on your children is.

Do you think they are aware, or do you think it's hidden?
Do you think your abusive partner is abusing the children in any way?
Do you think being in that environment is causing them harm, and if so, what is it, or do you think they are coping/unaffected and if so, why?
What do you think your relationship with your children will look like once they reach adulthood? How do you expect your children to treat you?
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship and parent well?

(For backstory, I'm the adult version of the child who grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and chose to stay in the marriage for a very long time. I'm trying to make peace with some very difficult feelings ATM).

Because I specifically wanted to ask about the mother child relationship, which I am allowed to do.

You have jumped to conclusions about my feelings towards my father.

Yes I understand what you’re saying, that anger might be difficult for you and that’s ok. I still think having more therapy would help you unpack your feelings further and help you move into a healthier place because it seems that you are still wrestling with quite a lot of your past experiences and addressing that could really be helpful.

I grew up with a violent controlling father, my mother is still with him. Despite the fact that he was physically violent to his children and we grew up in a horrible, scary environment my mother still thinks she is the only victim of his abuse, and used her children as emotional shields.

People who are in long term abusive relationships are not emotionally healthy -as a result of those relationships. There may be many valid reasons why they can't leave, and they deserve support and sympathy. However emotionally unhealthy people in crisis situations are often not great parents and it is ok for their children to acknowledge that.

My husband has serious mental health issues. When we met, he had been through some huge recent traumas on top of a dreadful childhood, which explained some red flags and made me feel like I could help him.

It has developed over a the years into a situation where he has become very unwell. As well a delusional thinking, he has mood swings. I work full time in a stressful job, and coming home in the evenings and on Fridays particularly, I get a sinking feeling wondering what is in store and whether he will be happy or grumpy. He has cheated and done very little to rebuild trust. He criticises everything I do. He does little to help around the house, despite working from home. He disappears, leaves me out of major decisions and refuses to invite me to "family" days or anything social. He tells people that I am controlling and narcissistic and blames me for everything. He says that being with me is the worst relationship he has had and that he really hopes I'm not as bad a person as he thinks I am. If I stand up for myself, he holds every word against me, repeatedly brings it up and has me begging for forgiveness. He takes no accountability for any of his actions and gives me "consequences" such as leaving me at home with the children, who are waiting to see their siblings (not my children) and doesn't turn up, leaving them disappointed.

It's a difficult situation, as he is well liked in the community. But not like this at home. I am now off work with stress and have lost 2 stone in weight in the last couple of months.

He's left "to find himself" and I've had some counselling and it is only now that I am seeing the situation for what it is. I have gotten so used to living this way, that I've really not noticed how poorly I'm treated. I always thought abuse was violence.

There's still a part of me that feels very emotionally attached though and dreads a future on my own as he's eroded all of my confidence and self esteem. I don't think people are always clear about what is happening if they are in the thick of it. Abuse can be clever, unseen by others and can really make victims feel like they are the perpetrators.

I recognise so much of this. We had the additional problem that he also used his fists as one of the weapons in his toolkit. What you're describing is classic coercive control, right down to him gaslighting you into believing that it must be you, not him.

Please don't take him back. It has already begun to destroy your health.

Let him go.

His childhood and his mental health are not your problems to solve.

The people in the community that you believe all like him? They don't like him. Trust me on this. Some of them will know what he really is.

The emotional attachment isn't love. It's a trauma bond. It can be broken. You can live without him far more easily than you think. Don't be afraid of life without him.

I hope the counselling helps. X.

I'm not too sure what you're talking about. Not every single woman who is abused is raped. Some aren't physically abused at all.

It's well known that some women choose the abuser over their children. Women don't leave for lots of different reasons and they're not all saints.

It would be great if you stopped chastising a child abuse survivor and telling her that her feelings are wrong.

Someone asked why these women have more than one child. I think you can follow the chain of quotes somehow.

It's not denial if you are unaware it's happening/happened. Abusers are very good at slowly destroying someone's self esteem to the point where you don't even realise what has happened or you are told that it's your fault or you don't deserve any better, you are lazy, you are worthless, you won't survive on your own etc etc.

It's very complex, you should be looking to the abuser not the abused for answers. You won't get them though it is the abusers who are in denial. Most abused women feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Unless your mother has had help to unpick what happened to her, you'll likely not get what you are looking for from her.

These women aren't one homogeneous mass experiencing the same thing. My mother had four children with a drunk who spent all his money on drink, she wasn't forced to do that.

How do you know?

Women don't usually discuss the intricacies of their sex lives (or sexual abuse) with their children.

How do you know that all abused women have children forced upon them? You haven't met every single abused woman, nor do you know how honest the ones you have met have been.

Fwiw my mother chose to have more children with him. I quote 'i took a chance (and lied about using contraception) because I wanted another baby'

Because she came from a large family and everyone in her family had four or more children.

My dad didn't physically touch my mother throughout their marriage.

I believe victims.

As far as you know. Emotional abuse often comes with sexual coercion.

But this is what I am asking: are some of these women just genuinely completely unaware of what is happening to their children. Do they simply not see it. Can they literally not see that their teen daughter is self harming and severely depressed.

I've been clear all the way through that it isn't about apportioning blame.

Does that include children who grow up in abusive homes?

Yes. I absolutely believe you were severely traumatised by your experiences. I believe that the ongoing situation was damaging for you. I don't think it was your mother's fault for being unable to leave. It's the cycle of abuse.

Do you think she bears any responsibility at all for what happened to us as children?

Fwiw she did leave when it suited her to do so, but the wellbeing of the children did not factor into this decision.

From my experience because my ex husband was not violent I had trouble defining what he was doing as abuse. This started in the 90’s when there was no internet, so I was always told it was my fault and believed it. Your self-esteem is in tatters and you honestly just cope day to day. When I had my children with him, I was more aware that what he was doing was abuse, but it had gone on so long by then it was my normal. As soon as I became aware that it was affecting my children I left, but it takes time. And I was, and still am psychologically damaged from 20 years of emotional abuse.

No. But I don't think she'd bear any for most bad things she might do in that situation. She needed help.

Thank you for this. It's exactly what I need to hear right now.

I hope that you can recover from your exposure to domestic abuse. I'm trying to remain strong for my son. My husband does not seem to recognise that he is continuing the cycle that he suffered and I am very keen to protect my son from this situation.

It's further complicated by his poor mental health, which he is reluctant to treat sufficiently. So this is probably another reason I've put up with things and made excuses for him.

Thank you for your kind wishes.

So there's no responsibility for the situation, or for their own bad behaviour?

If a woman in an abusive marriage is herself abusive towards her children, she's not responsible for that either? If there's neglect, if their health needs are ignored, if she parentifies them?

I stayed for a bit because I couldn’t afford to leave and he said he would fight me for the kids. When we were together he refused to do all housework or childcare and sat gaming in the living room so while not great for the kids not active abuse so long as I cheerfully did everything.

ince I left he fought me through court. Got unsupervised access and abused the kids because it was the only way to hurt me. Police family court social services did nothing to protest my children as I could prove the abuse (I fucking could they just wouldn’t believe me). A couple years of hell followed where my kids absolutely suffering more than had I not left him. I grey rocked long enough he moved on got a new gf and she now does all the childcare and kids are cared for decently while there mostly.

i get so very angry when I see people pile on an op. Aggressively telling them to leave and that their kids are suffering by her staying. Yes the kids are suffering by her staying but people really do not understand the family court system we have or the inept social services. Leaving DOES NOT protect your kids all it does is mean you are not there to step in and take the abuse in your child place.

my child has told social workers his dad picks him in rooms, that he’s wet the bed and been forced to sleep in it. That daddy gf takes them out when daddy is angry. That they have to be quiet and not annoy daddy when he’s gaming. But because I lost in court and it was ruled I was lying about the abuse no one will protect my kids and I’m court ordered to send them.

if I had my time again I would have got cctv at home before I left. Gathering irrefutable evidence he was abusive. And I would have waited till he hurt a child bad enough there was physical evidence he had done it and drs would be making refferals. Because proof he abused the mum isn’t seen as a reason he shouldn’t see his kids. If a mother wants to protect her kids she has to proove he has hurt the kids and then get a judge to believe he will do it again. hope the judge will not believe him when he says he just lost his temper he’s changed won’t do it again.

i had text messages as evidence I produced in court where my ex admitted hurting our child but was blaming me because he should not have had to care for the child it was my fault for not being a good enough wife (I was having a miscarriage- again I got abuse for this as I failed as a woman). This was not deemed good enough evidence to stop contact.

Society has faith in our legal system. In the child protective systems. Society cannot comprehend how actively the system works against women trying to protect their kids and how they just cannot manage it.

the problem is not the women who stay. The problem is the systems in place to protect women and children are not fit for purpose and are being used to further hurt the victims they are supposed to protect.

where is the anger at the judges who make these orders? The blame always falls on the mother, or on the failure of social services, or on teachers, childcare workers etc etc. But ultimately none of these people have the power to protect these children. They have a duty to reffer and investigate then it goes to family court where in a closed court room one judge gets to make a decision that cannot be challenged (financially impossible for most I looked into it it was thousands and thousands) and you cannot publicise what happened in court or what evidence was presented. These judges are the ones we should be railing against not the mothers.

My mother used to sometimes go to a women's refuge and not take her children, even the youngest. She never spoke up to protect us. People can be legitimately victims of abuse and parents who did not protect their children. For whatever reason.

It would be greatly appreciated if you didn't tell me what did or didn't happen in my family.

My parents didn't share a bedroom and my mum wasn't coerced into anything. She was the physically violent partner and very strong willed. She was not intimidated by him.