Women who stay in abusive relationships

[Cabbageheads]

I don't want this thread to turn into one bashing women who aren't in a position to leave a relationship that's gone rotten, for whatever reason. There are however quite often posts where it's clear that there are massive red flags in a relationship, or posters are asking if abusive behaviour is abusive etc.

What I'd like to ask women in those relationships, especially women who stay, is what you think the impact on your children is.

Do you think they are aware, or do you think it's hidden?
Do you think your abusive partner is abusing the children in any way?
Do you think being in that environment is causing them harm, and if so, what is it, or do you think they are coping/unaffected and if so, why?
What do you think your relationship with your children will look like once they reach adulthood? How do you expect your children to treat you?
Is it possible to be in an abusive relationship and parent well?

(For backstory, I'm the adult version of the child who grew up with parents who had an abusive relationship and chose to stay in the marriage for a very long time. I'm trying to make peace with some very difficult feelings ATM).

Seek therapy so you don't misplace your anger and harm other victims.

But you don't know what I saw.

You haven't answered any of my questions. This is about the children. Can you focus on that, please, if you can.

So children who grow up with abuse can't talk about it publicly?

I have answered. And no, you wouldn't have seen it all. You need to understand that your experience was your experience, a terrible one. Your mother had a different experience, as the adult in the abusive relationship. There would be aspects you don't know about. Things she will never tell you.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore sending you massive strength for what you need to do, you have got this and can do it 💪

@Cabbageheads in survival mode, I think people can / have to block out so much. Live in a fog of extreme denial. I'm sorry you weren't protected as you should have been

I have a very good friend who is in an abusive relationship. She is kind and loves her children… but just doesn’t seem able to see the big picture. She seems to treat every instance of abuse as a separate issue that she can solve/fix by herself. Outwardly she seems independent and has a good job… but I am watching her slowly disappear as she turns herself inside out to het him to change. It’s so so sad. And her children are becoming more and more damaged. Again because she can’t big picture the whole thing it feels like she can’t see the damage to them. She deals with each incident with them and seems to think they will be “over it” each time. Me and her other friend have friend everything. She was brought up by a violent drug addict father… I think she just thinks it’s normal.

I hope you find some peace op. But I don’t think you will find an answer because there isn’t one. Humans are bat shit crazy

As the adult, should she have been aware of the experience I was having?

My mam left. One of my first memories of being at my dad’s house is of him picking up his dinner plate and throwing it against the wall, because my siblings were having a daft disagreement at the table. The abuse didn’t stop, the environment was exactly the same. There was just no one over the age of 10 to even attempt to deal with it.

I was incredibly young, but at that moment all I wanted was my mam to still be there too. I don’t think they should stay, but I can understand why women would prefer that that kind of rage was directed at them instead of their children.

My dad actually remarried, and became like a different person. Although my siblings and I have quite limited relationships with him now.

I absolutely believe, and have first hand experience of how witnessing abusive behaviour damages children. However, I also have lived experience of being of the same environment without a ‘safe’ adult in the house. That was (for us) far, far scarier. I can completely understand why, knowing or worrying that the children will suffer the same environment anyway, women stay to try and mitigate it.

I grew up in a home where my mother abused us all, including my father, and I would lie in bed hoping he would leave and I could go with him.

Then as an adult I got in an abusive relationship. I kidded myself my son didn't know, and when an incident happened where I could no longer lie to myself, I ended the relationship. Of course, then it turned out that he knew so much. He had been the child lying awake in bed, but he was listening out to hear if I was safe or not.

The cognitive dissonance happens because so many aspects of the abuse are things that my mother did, that were minor compared to the physical stuff and the screaming abuse. Not that I even recognised my childhood as abusive until I was healing from the abusive romantic relationship. but this is why people doubt if what they are experiencing is abuse. It feels so minor in comparison to what they went through as kids. And by the time the physical violence begins to result in serious injury, you are in too deep to walk away.

By the time I understood how my father had failed us, he had died. I still find it hard not to see him as the loving parent. And he too suffered greatly and was seriously depressed - becoming addicted to valium at one point.

I think it's really difficult to try to get an understanding from people with 'skin in the game' as it were. Honestly, the reason I stayed so long is the reason many people stayed but don't like to admit. I thought I loved him.

A trauma bond is stronger than love, because of its addictive nature. So it all depends on where your rock bottom is, because people don't give up their addictions until they reach that point. Mine was my son coming downstairs to try to save me. He was 9 years old.

Some women are selfish and would rather put their children through this because they don't want to be alone. For the vast vast majority its more complex and there are a variety of factors. I don't see why mothers should be immune from judgement from their children, you feel how you feel.

I left. But the reality post leaving was grim. His abuse escalated, the children were put in danger multiple times.

It seemed a simple decision to leave (but I was lucky, although he had taken all my money I had family who could help). I realised how naive I had been afterwards when I realised the danger to the children had increased

There's talking about it in public, and then there is blaming other victims of abuse for their disempowerment.

Your mum sounds really selfish Op. Really sorry that you had to go through this. I expect she did know deep down the impact that the abuse had on you, but put herself and her feelings first. Which is a bitter pill to swallow.

This is also true. We were stalked for 2 years after the relationship ended, even though my son was not his son. That was what eventually sent him to prison. But none of my family were safe, or our pets, until then. I had no idea how dangerous he was until I left, and that was lucky, because it didn't factor into my decision making like it did for some people.

I wouldn't ask your mum about it but that's just my own take on it. It will bring up a lot of guilt for her when she may have been in a vulnerable situation and not able to leave. Could've been financial, lack of confidence etc.
As far as children being affected they have to choose to move on themselves whether that's looking at it from an adults point of view instead of looking at it through their own self as a child's viewpoint if that makes sense. Whether that's with help with therapy is a very personal choice. You definitely need the right therapist though. A close friend of mine was very damaged by her therapist as the past was rewritten and the therapist turned things around that simply weren't true. I know the family/extended family snd I know it wasn't how they portrayed it. My friend is now really messed up and has a terrible view of a family member who did a really good job of bringing them up yet the therapist made it out that she was neglected but she wasn't at all.
I will probably get slated for this post but it's my opinion and that's what you asked for.

Disempowerment and lack of accountability for not protecting their children, who's lives are ruined as a consequence.

I'd still focus on blaming the abuser rather than the abused.

It takes two to tango and not be there to protect innocent children.

One was busy being an abuse victim. Potentially raped frequently, beaten, financially abused. All that takes up time.

Ok so I clearly stated that the spousal rape law came in in the 1990’s but that doesn’t mean that rapes weren’t still happening and not being prosecuted. Fgs, they are rarely prosecuted now! And the 90’s was decades ago. Therefore, it was only around that time that the evidence of the effects on children was coming to light and a fairly recent discovery/understanding. Attitudes towards women in the 90’s were still very archaic. Women may have been going to university more but that doesn’t mean that women were not still classed as second class citizens to men and viewed as objects. Just look at the lad mag culture n the 90’s. Sexism was rampant! I know, I was there. And at no point did I excuse women for not removing themselves and their children but I am also not stupid enough to ignore the fact that there are many, many reasons why women feel trapped in abusive relationships from fear of being hunted down and murdered if they leave, fear of leaving the children with the abuser when he takes them to court for access and gets it, having nowhere to go, no support network, no money because they’ve been financially abused and psychologically ripped to shreds by their abuser so they can’t tell up from down anymore. So, you can disagree all you like but your view is a very simplistic one and has zero compassion for the female victim in this scenario. Maybe we should be placing the blame firmly where it belongs and that’s in the hands of the perpetrators of abuse and not the victims.

Agreed. So where does that leave the children?

As additonal victims of the abusER.

I understand your point, however that doesn't detract from the fact that both parents failed the child miserably. 1 for being the actual abuser and the other for passively allowing the abuse to occur. Both parties are fully accountable. The child in this situation is unequivocally the victim, as they have literally no skills that they can call upon to escape the situation.

Who do the children turn to for help?
What happens when the mother leans on the children for support, when they become parentified, when their daily lives are a constant dance of trying to appease and distract the father and support the mother?

It is reasonable to expect the mother to have some awareness of this?

Is it reasonable? Yes. Is it it realistic? Not really.