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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

282 replies

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 02/05/2025 21:23

It’s good you haven’t taken on board first hand advice from women who’ve been married to alcoholics.

nomas · 02/05/2025 22:48

More conversations to be hard and yes, I’m probably gonna walk away from this one.

It does take guts to come back and say this, OP. You seem to have your head switched on. Has something else happened that makes you think you should walk away now?

DorothyStorm · 02/05/2025 23:21

I’m a very kind forgiving person and obviously that doesn’t always bode well.

you can be kind and forgiving and still have standards and boundaries. You can forgive someone for treating you badly without continuing to allow them to treat you badly

healthybychristmas · 03/05/2025 06:35

Maybe you should talk to Al Anon, I'm sure you will find many many many members that who thought they could cure the alcoholic partners. You are going to need all the luck in the world.

Zippedydodah · 03/05/2025 07:06

Dweetfidilove · 01/05/2025 20:17

all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this.

OH, I bet they are 😃.

All his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this

I bet they’re only all too glad to have someone else taking on their alcoholic friend to give them a break 😵‍💫

theresbeautyinwindysun · 03/05/2025 07:25

Read her update folks. Sending a hug OP, I’m sorry you are in this situation and I hope so much you get out of it soon. It sounds now like you will. Good luck. I think you posted back here because you knew you needed to hear what we were all going to say.

Original poster
NewManIssue · 03/05/2025 07:29

nomas · 02/05/2025 22:48

More conversations to be hard and yes, I’m probably gonna walk away from this one.

It does take guts to come back and say this, OP. You seem to have your head switched on. Has something else happened that makes you think you should walk away now?

Just this thread.

He’s stopped drinking. He’s going to AA. He’s also seeing his GP on Tuesday to see what help he could get from there and he has a therapist booked in a couple of weeks. But obviously it’s very early days. And literally everyone says RUN.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewManIssue · 03/05/2025 07:29

theresbeautyinwindysun · 03/05/2025 07:25

Read her update folks. Sending a hug OP, I’m sorry you are in this situation and I hope so much you get out of it soon. It sounds now like you will. Good luck. I think you posted back here because you knew you needed to hear what we were all going to say.

Thank you for taking the time to read the update and for the hug Flowers

OP posts:
siucra · 03/05/2025 07:44

I was married to an alcoholic and I posted looking for advice on MN. The advice was brutal. I didn’t want to hear it at the time because I had a small child but if I had listened, it would have saved me five or six years of absolute horror. I hated my life by the time I left (deliriously happy now though). He nearly destroyed me and wanted to drag me down. Thank you to Atilla who was so straight with me.

Loopytiles · 03/05/2025 07:48

Why are you willingly choosing this? You sound in denial.

A newly dry alcoholic (or someone who says they are or want to be dry) isn’t a good choice of boyfriend. Nor is dating good for them if they’re serious about seeking sobriety.

susannah32 · 03/05/2025 08:10

Are you honestly that desperate to go there? It’s not going to work, you’ll end up hurt.

please don’t bring your children into this.

ChristmasFluff · 03/05/2025 09:26

OP, you aren't stupid, but you do have a lack of boundaries.

You said it was a dealbreaker - but it hasn't been. You are now becoming a rehabilitation service for this man.

I see you saying you will probably end this, but I somehow doubt you will. You actually are not doing him a kindness, and the real kindness would be to forgive him but move on anyway. That way it might bring home to him the reality of the consequences of his decisions.

At the moment, all he has learned is how to make the right noises to keep you there.

Boundaries are where you end and another person begins. they are the difference between what you are responsible for and what he is responsible for. It is in his interests to blur this distinction.

It is in your interests to protect yourself first and foremost. By disregarding your dealbreaker, you are disregarding your own self and by putting his interests first, you are putting yourself last.

You deserve to be your priority.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/05/2025 10:00

NewManIssue · 03/05/2025 07:29

Just this thread.

He’s stopped drinking. He’s going to AA. He’s also seeing his GP on Tuesday to see what help he could get from there and he has a therapist booked in a couple of weeks. But obviously it’s very early days. And literally everyone says RUN.

Show quote history

What do you think he would say/do if you said,

"I'm going to be honest with you. I think it's really wonderful that you've started your journey to a better life for yourself. But I can't walk that path with you, because it is a path you will need to walk by yourself and for yourself. If you are walking the path for me or because of me, it won't work. You need to place your emotional energies into recovery. I also need to protect myself and the life I've built. So it's best that we split."

If he's really disappointed and puts on a guilt trip, or worse goes on a bender, you can be sure you made the right choice to end it.

if he is sad but accepts it, and says he might look you up when he's sure he has recovered, then you can with a full heart say, "Yes, please do that."

YOU cannot be the reason for his recovering for alcoholism. HE needs to be the reason. You trying to be the reason is futile, dangerous to you, even counterproductive for him, and perhaps a little arrogant of you.

Loopytiles · 03/05/2025 10:35

Continuing the new relationship would be an unwise decision, but with DC it’s well beyond that.

HappyNewTaxYear · 03/05/2025 10:47

Loopytiles · 03/05/2025 10:35

Continuing the new relationship would be an unwise decision, but with DC it’s well beyond that.

Has she got children? No way should she be continuing this relationship then. This is safeguarding stuff. You do not have a relationship with an active alcoholic when there are children involved.

Heylittlesongbird · 03/05/2025 10:52

HappyNewTaxYear · 03/05/2025 10:47

Has she got children? No way should she be continuing this relationship then. This is safeguarding stuff. You do not have a relationship with an active alcoholic when there are children involved.

Show quote history

I think OP said her daughter is 32.

Original poster
NewManIssue · 03/05/2025 10:56

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPastathat is the conversation I’m going to have. I’ve been thinking about it all morning. Thank you.

OP posts:
Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 10:58

NewManIssue · 02/05/2025 21:05

Hi, I’m sorry to be absent. Yes, I’ve read it all and I’m not making a joke. It is a very sobering read

Obviously a lot of it was hard to read people making comments about me and my personality which aren’t true. I’m a very kind forgiving person and obviously that doesn’t always bode well.

More conversations to be hard and yes, I’m probably gonna walk away from this one. I’m not desperate. I Was very happily single and it was a chance meeting that turned into something more but I’ve got a really nice life and a lot to offer someone however only the right person

So thank you to those that were a bit unkind and thank you to those that were a bit more measured, but thank you all for your insights because I needed them!

I think I’ll probably leave it there for now. I don’t think there’s much else I can say. I’m not gonna defend myself. I’m not gonna defend him. I’m just gonna go away and digest everything that’s been said. I do appreciate it. I came on here for a reason and no, I’m not stupid, but thanks for saying I am.

Have a lovely bank holiday weekend, everybody

Edited

Good luck OP, the right man is out there. I think you've done the right thing by walking away from this x

Strangeworldtoday · 03/05/2025 11:12

NewManIssue · 03/05/2025 10:56

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPastathat is the conversation I’m going to have. I’ve been thinking about it all morning. Thank you.

Edited

Op just thinking of you as I still have trauma from a relationship i had 16 years ago with an alcoholic. don't be hoodwinked. You are not his saviour, you can not help him, many alcoholics have therapy, go to AA, go into rehab and relapse time and time again. One bad thing happens and they revert back to drink, they will make you their crux, you will be scared to leave as they tell you if you are not by their side they will die, they will lie, cheat and put themselves into dangerous situations. You will end up with middlenof the night calls from hospitals and you will be the only person that they can call as everyone else washed their hands, you will be trapped in their addiction just as much as they are.
Do not let him tell you things will be good as it is very likely that they will be terrible and by then you are so far in that leaving is almost impossible.

NauticalMiles · 03/05/2025 11:23

namechangeforthisfredonly · 01/05/2025 20:04

Yes, you’re an idiot, with the best intentions.

You’ve now been cast in a “support human” role. If he fails in managing his alcohol problem it will be because your support has been inadequate. If you withdraw your support you will be responsible for any negative consequences. His friends have made his problem your problem, probably because they are fed up of having any responsibility themselves.

Agreed. That's what stood out to me from the last thread too. OP you seem to take his friends being so happy he found you as a compliment/ positive thing? It's really not, it's a massive red flag - someone who needs to find someone to be happy/ quit drinking is not a catch.

Wishing you all the best.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/05/2025 11:46

There is a reason why newly sober people should not be in romantic relationships.
The best thing you could do is let him walk this path alone. Trying to deal with the trials of being sober and then a decent partner in a new relationship can be too much pressure. It breaks strong, long relationships.
Being an alcoholic isn’t just about drinking. Not drinking doesn’t mean you are truly sober. Being truly sober means you have coping mechanisms to deal with every day life in a healthy manner and that state can require a lot of work.
Working around alcohol at work won’t help.
I would let him go with care and good wishes. Let him go and get sober not for you but for himself.
If he stays truly sober for a sustained period of time, he may be ready for a relationship then.

Bellsize · 03/05/2025 12:00

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/05/2025 10:00

What do you think he would say/do if you said,

"I'm going to be honest with you. I think it's really wonderful that you've started your journey to a better life for yourself. But I can't walk that path with you, because it is a path you will need to walk by yourself and for yourself. If you are walking the path for me or because of me, it won't work. You need to place your emotional energies into recovery. I also need to protect myself and the life I've built. So it's best that we split."

If he's really disappointed and puts on a guilt trip, or worse goes on a bender, you can be sure you made the right choice to end it.

if he is sad but accepts it, and says he might look you up when he's sure he has recovered, then you can with a full heart say, "Yes, please do that."

YOU cannot be the reason for his recovering for alcoholism. HE needs to be the reason. You trying to be the reason is futile, dangerous to you, even counterproductive for him, and perhaps a little arrogant of you.

Show quote history

Also AA say that you should not start a new relationship within the first year of sobriety as you need to simplify the process to concentrate on recovery and not risk enablers and codependency.

You would be doing him anh his recovery a disservice to be involved with him in the coming year. He will also be a very different person after that year maybe someone you dont actually connect with because you fell in love with his merry inebrieated version.

The 1st 6 months of sobriety is physical dependency the following 6 months is mental dependancy.

DollyPartonsLeftnip · 03/05/2025 13:19

Huge hugs, good wishes and love to you @NewManIssue . xo ❤️

TwentyKittens · 03/05/2025 13:48

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/05/2025 19:07

Good luck. I think you are going to need lots of it.

Yup!

GeorgianaM · 03/05/2025 14:11

'He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant'

Translation -

You seem like a mug so I'm going to make all the right noises to please you and ingratiate myself into your life so that I can manipulate you into staying with me.'

Anyone who turns around and decides they are giving up this and giving up that because they've met you and want to change for you is a liar.

Change only comes when you want it doe yourself and he clearly doesn't.