Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

Op how do you know all this? Have you seen proof of this or is this just what he’s told you? He can tell you anything he likes and have you believing him! However, truth or not, what does seem strange is that he started a new relationship before claiming to want to stop. Even if he is telling the truth then he would be doing all this not for himself but for you which is a very slippery slope as he would need to want to do it for himself. The very fact that he hasn’t ’wanted to’ up until now is rather strange. He didn’t seem to care about wanting to stop drinking before wetting your bed and walking away to leave you to clean it all up. I smell bullshit and I’m not convinced that he’s actually been going to AA or that he’s booked to see his GP or a therapist booked. And even if he has, he’s only doing it because YOU want him to not because he wants to! Otherwise he would have done all this long ago.

Hi OP, you’ve said you’re a kind and forgiving person and unfortunately this isn’t a virtue - human survival requires us to only be kind and forgiving to people who have proven their trustworthiness. Not to people who have proven they lie, manipulate and don’t live their lives in a way worthy of kindness. I suspect you attract men who recognise this weakness (because they break boundaries and you forgive them when other women would walk) in you. And they take advantage because they know they can. The stronger, and tougher you are with actions and not talk - the more your energy will reflect you are not to be trifled. Words don’t do that, actions do.

He’s in his 50s and only looking at AA and getting therapy because you threatened to end it. He has no discipline and motivation of his own which is scary - because he’s looking for a support human not an equal partner. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to stop drinking when you’re an alcoholic?? You really think in 50 years he's never met a other woman he loved enough to want to change? He likes you but he loves alcohol more. Why on earth would you want this for yourself, you could always volunteer to help those less fortunate than you if you enjoy feeling useful/needed/productive. Don’t bring the ugliness of this man’s life into your sanctuary. You’ve probably wasted most of your life in service of men who haven’t reciprocated (you said something about your ex being unpleasant?) - don’t spend your remaining years doing the same. He’s a lost cause, a middle aged alcoholic who’s got many years ahead of him fighting demons once he actually starts his therapy and then sticks to it. He’s not the man for you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
He showed you.

All the words afterwards, all the cover ups, gas lighting, promises, pledges, flattery and gratitude are for himself, and his own desires.

He showed you, and he left you to deal with it and hoped he'd got away with it. Please reconsider throwing away your life for this manipulating loser.

I think if you really like him as you seem to do and genuinely believe he can and is changing then give him one chance and one chance only. If he fails you again then that's it, walk on. Good luck.

I agree with this. Continue to see him but do NOT understand any circumstances move him in or you move in with him. You WILL need somewhere of your own when it goes tits up.

OP I admire you for coming back and posting on this thread. You do sound like a lovely person. Don’t let your kindness make you weak. You deserve the best. Don’t forget that! All the best luck in the world x

Me again. We had an unexpected opportunity to spend some time together today so we had the conversation.

I wasn’t sure what the reaction would be having RTFT but he said he respected and understood my decision. That he would miss me and would love us to stay friends but that he also realises his focus needs to be on his sobriety.

He said meeting me isn’t his entire reason for wanting to do this battle but that it’s made him realise to be (can’t think of his words but…) worthy of a relationship like he would have loved with me, means he needs to get clean and see where that takes him.

For those who asked I know he goes to AA as we went to an open meeting together for the first one where he met someone who picks him up and takes him to as many meetings as he can get to. I would imagine he will be his sponsor. He’s a great guy and just what my partner needs. My partner has taken time off work to ensure he can do this and is considering returning to his previous career which isn’t as alcohol related.

I’ve seen the evidence of his GP appointment. I think he’s hoping for some medication. I don’t really know much about it but it will stop him drinking or give him horrendous side-effects if he does. And the therapist I was there when he spoke to the team and he was disappointed how long he had to wait, but I actually didn’t think a couple of weeks was that long!

Anyway, we are no longer a couple. I will miss him so much because he brought a lot of fun and laughter into my life however I didn’t want to carry on for basically what everyone has said on here.

There has been no talk of when I’m sober can I look you up? He said he realises he needs to do this and focus on it. We do have mutual friends now So if we wanted to have contact with called through them, but I just need to walk away for a few weeks and decompress for want of a better word!

I Have returned to my peaceful, calm, at times boring life, but I have started to rebuild my life and I’ve made loads of effort to join into things that I’ve never done before to make friends which I find easy thank goodness.

I’m not sure I’ll come back to this thread because there has been a lot of comments about me that were quite hurtful and none of you actually know me to know whether or not I deserve them but personally I don’t feel like I do.

I do have boundaries. I’m not stupid and I’m certainly not desperate but we all make mistakes.

So thank you again - enjoy the rest of your weekend people! I’m off to find a box set and snuggle with my hound!

Sorry it feels shit.

It's difficult and I know it'sof littke compensation but it's very much the right decision for you both.

It is so hard to believe an alcoholic esp if been hearing the giving up /not drinking for years

trust is a huge thing

can you trust him when he says he is sober - haven’t had a drink ?

Great update, OP. You’ve been very dignified in the face of some stern advice from many (including me). But I think people could see this relationship was wrong for you and genuinely didn’t want to see you get bogged down with an alcoholic and see your lovely calm life turn into being a nursemaid for him.

You have been very brave in your update OP.
You have both done the right thing.
You never know he may turn his life around.
Take with you the good times you have shared, too.
You have shown him great kindness and empathy and that has not been wasted.
I hope in a while you start to feel much better about everything.

Sad but sensible...

It's best for you and you've also acted absolutely in his best interest. He knows this too, it seems. It's okay to take some time to feel the loss. You've been really dignified and true to yourself. Because you gave it some time and consideration, I guess you feel more confident in your decision 💐

You've done exactly the right thing - and probably for both of you.

I wish you well in moving on with your life in whatever form that takes

Speaking as someone with 17 years sobriety he needs to stop drinking whilst not simultaneously embarking on a new relationship.
It’s pretty much the first rule of getting sober. The rules having been determined by many many people who have successfully stopped drinking and helped many others to do so.

Sounds like hes trying to sort his life out and making the right decision to concentrate on himself and sober life. I do hope he can do this. Its going to be hard work. Im just divorcing someone with a drinking problem/alcoholic. He doesn't agree he has an issue. Hes never pissed the bed. I cant wait for peace. Youve dodged a bullet

I think you've definitely made the right decision OP. Both for yourself, and him. Sometimes in life we have to make difficult decisions, but for all of the right reasons.

Fortunately you found about these issues quite early on in your relationship, this has given you the chance to walk away before things became too serious.
It's going to be tough, as you genuinely cared about him, but in caring for him, you've made the best decision for him.

I hope you move on to better times, and meet someone really nice. You have a lot of love to give. Take good care of yourself, and all the best.💐

"he said he respected and understood my decision. That he would miss me and would love us to stay friends but that he also realises his focus needs to be on his sobriety.
He said meeting me isn’t his entire reason for wanting to do this battle but that it’s made him realise to be (can’t think of his words but…) worthy of a relationship like he would have loved with me, means he needs to get clean and see where that takes him."

That's really good! That discussion could not have gone better, IMO. He is taking a brave new step, one he needs to take to achieve what he wants for the rest of his life - and that likely includes finding and being a supportive partner to someone as lovely as you. It sounds like he's stepped on the right path and wants to walk it by himself.

The conclusion is also good for you, because now you are free to find someone who will add to your life and bring you joy. Brava to you for having that difficult conversation.

He said meeting me isn’t his entire reason for wanting to do this battle but that it’s made him realise to be (can’t think of his words but…) worthy of a relationship like he would have loved with me, means he needs to get clean and see where that takes him.

Well done for ending things though hopefully you feel in your heart it’s the right decision and not just because every poster on MN advised you to. Otherwise you could slip back into old ways since you have mutual friends.

The takeaway from your conversation for me is - that he’s taken decades to come to the realisation sobriety is the way forward. He must have hurt a lot of people - friends, family, other partners, colleagues because that’s what alcoholism does but none of them were enough to trigger a change much sooner. I know it can seem flattering that you’ve triggered this change (given he was drinking a week and a bit ago so the AA attendance is just a week old - or he was breaking the rules drinking on your date!), but it shows a callousness with how he feels about all the others before you. And that really is the crux of alcoholism everyone tried to point out. The drinking might stop but the selfishness and reasons that let him down this path also need to be addressed. He might also be a completely different person without the crutch of alcohol - and he may not be as charming or funny or nice without.

I hope you meet someone worthy of your kindness where you don’t have to reach out to MN to feel confident in boundaries. Always trust your instinct, as clearly with him you knew something was off the minute he peed your bed. You don’t always need to give men chances before you pull the plug, your instinct can get you out before you get more emotionally attached.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP. What a hard decision for you.

But you know you made the right decision for both of you and who knows what the future holds?

Hounds are best, anyway. 🤗

I hope you recognize where your boundaries failed and can examine why you were so willing to invest so much energy into a project man. You might see if there are codependency meetings where you are or discuss this in therapy. I think you made the right decision to pull back here.

@renoleno There’s a strong possibility OP is not the only woman he has said that to. There could be a number of women who have heard it all before. Hopefully though he will do everything he can to stop this time. OP is very sensible to bow out now.

Just a final big thank you. For those who were kind and those who were harsh. I need both!!

Sending a hug OP. So sorry you are sad but the uncertainty and stress of worrying if you are doing the right thing or not will lift. You are.