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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

282 replies

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 01/05/2025 19:37

Rainbowchicken · 01/05/2025 19:30

Who needs to be swept off their feet when they can be peed on instead 😂

Show quote history

Thou art the funkiest of rainbowchickens.

I am ☠️

VaddaABeetch · 01/05/2025 19:38

Sounds Great. You can control it. You can cure it. You will have a fabulous love story & your relationship will be different from any other relationship anybody has had with an alcoholic.

& the smell of pee, what more could a woman want.

Bananalanacake · 01/05/2025 19:38

Hopefully this will work out for you if you don't live together and don't share a bed with him again.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 01/05/2025 19:42

OP, it’s going well and he’s putting in the effort because it’s early days.

I give it 3 months until he’s pulled back into his party crowd and things start getting messy again. It’s not a reflection on you at all, but alcohol is the absolute devil to deal with.

My DP was like that, although he was actively trying to stay sober. I met him during this time, things were going great so he started letting his guard down and hanging out with “friends” again, within 5 months his life went to shit and caused me a lot of heartache.

AgnesX · 01/05/2025 19:43

There's nothing else to say except good luck really!

Herewegoagain84 · 01/05/2025 19:45

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/05/2025 19:48

So is he drinking or not ?

alcoholics can’t drink some days :days he doesn’t see you

they need to stop drinking forever

if he is trying to give up the booze and going to aa and getting support - this may work but take it slow

but honestly unless he wants to stop he won’t

he will lie and cheat and make you think you are wrong /gas light you

you will never be able to trust and believe him

SlashBeef · 01/05/2025 19:48

Oh dear.

CanOfMangoTango · 01/05/2025 19:50

Good luck OP, you're going to need it.

whitewineandsun · 01/05/2025 19:50

Why do so many women still think they can fix broken men - let alone that they should try. He drinks. It will always be more important than you.

He pissed him himself in your bed. Because he's drinking. Come on.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/05/2025 19:51

Ah, the I can fix him mentality.

littlemissprosseco · 01/05/2025 19:52

Oh dear. @NewManIssue I think you’re being given a hard time here. You can only make a decision which is right for you at the time, I truly wish you all the best in this relationship. I’m like you, snd see the best in people. I wish you both well. Good luck

HappyNewTaxYear · 01/05/2025 19:55

littlemissprosseco · 01/05/2025 19:52

Oh dear. @NewManIssue I think you’re being given a hard time here. You can only make a decision which is right for you at the time, I truly wish you all the best in this relationship. I’m like you, snd see the best in people. I wish you both well. Good luck

Edited

This decision is wrong at the time. Any time.

BlossomMoon · 01/05/2025 19:56

Oh OP you're being very naive in this situation.
In your last thread you seem to have ploughed headlong into this relationship doing everything very quickly. It's clear you're 'high' on the newness of this relationship.
Sadly, I can't help but think that the 'high' is severely impairing your judgement.
You're definitely not being sensible or honest about this situation.
There's no way it's the first time he's wet the bed, you've fallen for the sob story and you've gone into almost "Messiah" mode, that you're going to "save" him.

Alcoholics are not honest, they'll tell you anything, but the drink will always come first. It makes no difference if your "an adult" for him. He's still drinking, he hid it from you. When you're not together he'll be drinking. If you catch him out, you'll be told it's the last time over, and over.
This man soiled your bed, lied to you, and left you to clean up his mess. Your response to that was to find out he's an alcoholic, and give him another chance.
You'll be on here a lot asking for advice. It'll all come crashing down at some point.
Doing a follow-up thread seems bizarre. You've obviously taken nothing by advice on the first thread.
Good luck, because you're definitely going to need it

MinnieCauldwell · 01/05/2025 19:57

Please don't get pregnant....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2025 19:58

The problem with seeing the best in people littlemissp is that you can get hurt as a result.

I’m not saying that you should walk through life thinking the worst of everyone, but it’s important to be realistic. You should see people and situations for what they really are, which can prevent you from getting your heart broken, or getting repeatedly hurt and disappointed.

It becomes a problem when you do that without boundaries or self consideration. You end up forgiving and looking for explanation at times when you should be holding boundaries or ending relationships.

Mumnotbruh · 01/05/2025 19:59

OP, I've just read your original thread and I could have written that a decade ago when I first met ExH. What really struck me in this update was "all his friends are rooting for him" that shows they have seen this over and over again.
If you have the slightest whiff of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol run a mile. It will only get worse. My ex was sober when he met me an kept it up for 3 years.....lovely, lovely guy but never properly addressed WHY he drank, just stuck in a repeated cycle.

The most loving and genuine of people can can alcohol dependancy, it doesn't mean he's a bad person but it does mean he as an aspect of his live he is NOT in control over- no matter how much he wants to.

Endofyear · 01/05/2025 19:59

I'd like to be optimistic for you OP but I fear that his problematic relationship with alcohol will rear it's head again. Is he drinking at all at the moment? Is he having any sort of counselling/treatment? If his coping mechanism in times of stress is drinking, he needs to learn new ways and new patterns of behaviour. You are taking a big risk and I hope you don't come to regret it.

Pyjamatimenow · 01/05/2025 19:59

Things must be desperate

Rainbowchicken · 01/05/2025 20:00

BlossomMoon · 01/05/2025 19:56

Oh OP you're being very naive in this situation.
In your last thread you seem to have ploughed headlong into this relationship doing everything very quickly. It's clear you're 'high' on the newness of this relationship.
Sadly, I can't help but think that the 'high' is severely impairing your judgement.
You're definitely not being sensible or honest about this situation.
There's no way it's the first time he's wet the bed, you've fallen for the sob story and you've gone into almost "Messiah" mode, that you're going to "save" him.

Alcoholics are not honest, they'll tell you anything, but the drink will always come first. It makes no difference if your "an adult" for him. He's still drinking, he hid it from you. When you're not together he'll be drinking. If you catch him out, you'll be told it's the last time over, and over.
This man soiled your bed, lied to you, and left you to clean up his mess. Your response to that was to find out he's an alcoholic, and give him another chance.
You'll be on here a lot asking for advice. It'll all come crashing down at some point.
Doing a follow-up thread seems bizarre. You've obviously taken nothing by advice on the first thread.
Good luck, because you're definitely going to need it

He didn't hide it from her though, she knew he was drunk before the incident.

Skirtless · 01/05/2025 20:00

HunnyPot · 01/05/2025 19:27

Glad to hear it’s working out. You sound like you have healthy boundaries and unlike a lot of women on here you’re not living in rom-com world when you have to find a ‘perfect’ man to sweep you off your feet.

I wish you both all the best

It’s not ‘living in room com world’ to decline entering a relationship with a drinking alcoholic. It’s deeply depressing you think so.

heffalumpwoozle · 01/05/2025 20:01

All his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this.

Jeez that's depressing, OP.

Look at the dynamic you are already in, from the start of your relationship. His friends are seeing you as the 'fix'. They think you're going to cure him. Do you really want to be his medicine? His carer? His parent? The person who is going to nurture him to become an adult?

Or do you want to be his partner on an equal footing?

This dynamic will not change. You will not ever be equals if you start off like this. You will always be his fixer.

He needs to sort himself out before he gets into a relationship. You're not the cure and you shouldn't have to be. Don't devalue yourself.

namechangeforthisfredonly · 01/05/2025 20:04

Yes, you’re an idiot, with the best intentions.

You’ve now been cast in a “support human” role. If he fails in managing his alcohol problem it will be because your support has been inadequate. If you withdraw your support you will be responsible for any negative consequences. His friends have made his problem your problem, probably because they are fed up of having any responsibility themselves.

User37482 · 01/05/2025 20:07

I commented on that thread that no grown adult gets up and doesn’t know that they pissed the bed. He still left you to clean it up. That should be enough to get rid, the sheer disrespect before you are even in an established relationship. I just wouldn’t OP, this is just going to cause you grief. I’m not trying to stick the boot in but you must value yourself higher than this.

TheSilentSister · 01/05/2025 20:07

Long story short. I met a man, got engaged even, found out he was an alcoholic when he got done for drink driving. Always felt a tad suspicious. Didn't find out til later that he drank high alcohol beer, through the night, ffs!
Oh yeah, and he pissed the bed one time. And I also thought that was a 'one off'.
OP, please please do not go there.
What worries me the most is all his mates encouraging it. They know.