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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

282 replies

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/05/2025 01:07

I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic.

So why are you?

uncomfortablydumb60 · 02/05/2025 01:33

Perhaps you don’t realise it yet, but you are his other woman
His primary relationship is with the bottle
As you don’t live with him, you have no idea what he’s drinking or if he pisses his own bed
My ex is an alcoholic. I left when the pissed version outweighed the sober version.
The sober version was the love of my life.

JHound · 02/05/2025 01:38

I never get why women want to date construction projects.

SeaUrchinHat · 02/05/2025 01:48

You’re not his saviour OP, he needs to be that for himself (with the help of professionals). Maybe you could do some soul-searching to find out why you’re happy to put yourself in this position when the guy is an alcoholic who doesn’t respect you? Time is too precious and limited to waste on this kind of ‘relationship’.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/05/2025 02:07

This is a lot for op to read. Even when with someone you love dearly and want them to be sober - it just isn’t enough

you can’t make them sober. You can’t make them give up drinking. Ultimatums don’t work

i tried for many years

rem the 3 c’s - you didn’t cause this - you can’t control it - you can’t cure it

took me many many many years to releise this @NewManIssue

all these replies are because people have been there and they know things don’t change

take care of yourself

OutsiderOfTheClique · 02/05/2025 03:38

He's spinning you a yarn and you have fallen for it. He's an alcoholic. End of. He's pissed your bed once already. If you feel you deserve this bed wetting alcoholic to enhance your life, good luck in your relationship. You're going to need it.

OutsiderOfTheClique · 02/05/2025 03:42

And her dry mattress to be pissed on again.

TealSapphire · 02/05/2025 04:13

I agree with you on one thing OP, he's not stupid.

siucra · 02/05/2025 05:09

God, these men are clever. He pissed in your bed to see if you would accept it - you passed that test!

And now he has told you he is an alcoholic and it hasn't put you off! Also, you are now actively invovled in his alcoholism, and you will be managing it for him. It's a game to him, you're the adult, he the errant child, and his alcoholism has now taken a far more interesting turn. He drinks, you get annoyed, you make up. He doesn't drink, you're happy, he causes an argument and goes and drinks, you apologise. Life has suddenly got exciting again for him. Fun times! (PS been there)

Tolkienista · 02/05/2025 05:25

Firstly thanks for the update. Your original post was a really tough read. You're a better person than me, if someone wet my bed I'd run a mile.
You obviously see a clear route forward, alcohol may have other plans and may well derail you both.
Good luck, you're going to need it.

Menopausalmum43 · 02/05/2025 05:33

My sister is an alcoholic, I can't have proper relationship with her because of it. I certainly wouldn't go walking I to s romantic relationship with one.

Sevenamcoffee · 02/05/2025 06:07

Jesus though, anyone reading this with alcohol problems would think ‘what’s the point of even trying?’ I have personal experience and I don’t hold with this idea of an illness that cannot be ‘cured’. I understand that that idea works for some. It’s a choice that some people continue to make and some are able to change. Lots are able to change. But being able to change is dependent on a lot of different factors and the problem here is that you don’t know this man so need to be prepared for disappointment.

Elle771 · 02/05/2025 06:26

Oh man 😭😭😭😭

Stepfordian · 02/05/2025 07:02

You can’t change him, why not find someone who is already perfect rather than sticking with this loser? You sound desperate.

category12 · 02/05/2025 07:09

Sevenamcoffee · 02/05/2025 06:07

Jesus though, anyone reading this with alcohol problems would think ‘what’s the point of even trying?’ I have personal experience and I don’t hold with this idea of an illness that cannot be ‘cured’. I understand that that idea works for some. It’s a choice that some people continue to make and some are able to change. Lots are able to change. But being able to change is dependent on a lot of different factors and the problem here is that you don’t know this man so need to be prepared for disappointment.

It can't be cured by a relationship with someone.

Of course an alcoholic can stop drinking and change their life, but they need to do it for themselves.

They can't be loved into it.

theresbeautyinwindysun · 02/05/2025 07:35

The responses are pretty much unanimous OP. I know it’s not what you want to hear but those with experience are trying to help you, not deflate you. This sounds a terrible path for you to go down and the more you insist your life is otherwise great and you could take it or leave it, the more this seems confusing as why would you entertain this if so?

Flewaway · 02/05/2025 07:39

like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this

it’s really sad that you believe this and have set yourself in this dynamic. So as you increasingly develop feelings for this man, you will also believe that you leaving will destroy him. Meaning you are likely to stay as things unravel.

You simply aren’t being honest with yourself. You say you can’t be with an actively drinking alcoholic, but you are. He knew what his triggers were for wetting the bed, yet he did those things, wet your bed, ran away then lied saying he thought it might just be sweat. By telling him you won’t be with a drinking alcoholic, all you have done is given him an incentive to lie to you. Which you already know he’s prepared to do.

You can’t possibly believe that an alcoholic like him will just stop overnight like that, just for you.

By dating him you are just making it harder for yourself to leave as he starts drinking. And you have already demonstrated, you are someone who finds it hard to walk away, even in a situation where nearly every woman in the world would have walked away.

Beentheredonethat63 · 02/05/2025 07:43

As an ex-wife to an alcoholic that took things to the extreme regards behaviour I would say ‘please don’t do this to yourself OP’…you won’t change him or his behaviour.it killed him in the end as he was trying to change his life around..at 43

Flewaway · 02/05/2025 07:50

sammylady37 · 01/05/2025 21:52

Clear boundaries??? Op has zero boundaries. On her previous thread she stated clearly that she was going to talk to him and if it turned out that he knew he had pissed the bed, or even know it was possible he might piss the bed, she would walk away without a backward glance. Less than 24 hours later, she posted that she had indeed spoken to him, and not only did he know that pissing the bed was a possibility, he knew he had done so and just left it for her to clean up, and he had drank knowing that was a trigger for him pissing the bed. And not only did the op not walk away without a backward glance like she said she would, she ran towards him, only stopping en-route to buy some waterproof bedding.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Show quote history

All of this. OP, the narrative you are telling yourself, about yourself, is that you are a strong woman, with strong boundaries. Yet your behaviour is the exact opposite of this.

A pp advised you get therapy to explore why you entering into this relationship. I think that would be helpful.

Flewaway · 02/05/2025 09:21

DreamTheMoors · 02/05/2025 00:42

Read my post, @Flewaway. I was clear.
I don’t judge somebody I’ve only read about online. Actually, I try not to make it a habit of judging others.
Except Donald Trump. I hate that guy.

Show quote history

I did read your post.

You don’t need to date an alcoholic to prove you aren’t judging them

Its just clear sighted to realise that a man who know what makes him piss the bed, does that anyway, then pisses your bed, runs away to leave you to clear it up, and then lies by saying he thought it was just sweat, is not a man anyone should date.

You seem to be confusing sane boundaries with judgement.

whitewineandsun · 02/05/2025 10:20

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2025 22:29

Look, the bloke pissed in your bed and left you to clear it up.

That's all you need to know.

It really should have been.

Dweetfidilove · 02/05/2025 13:01

AngelinaFibres · 01/05/2025 21:45

It was my turn to host the mums and tots group at my house. It was the same day the recycling boxes went out for the bin men. I had become immune to it but they were overflowing with bottles and cans ( and I didnt even put it all out every week because there was so much). One of the mums was pretending to be offended that we'd had a party and not invited the mums from the group. No it wasn't a party for 50 people it was just my husband's weekly booze. After that day I started doing a car run to the recycling containers at a further away supermarket( so people I knew wouldn't see me) so that when the boxes went out the amount looked 'normal '. Amazing what crap you'll allow to seep into your life when you live with an addict

Show quote history

Wow!

BlossomMoon · 02/05/2025 20:14

Doesn't look like the OP is coming back to the thread. Hopefully if you've read through this OP you'll have some more insight into the experiences others have had with alcoholics. I'd think long and hard before you proceed with this relationship. People here have been honest, and tried to explain how life with an alcoholic really is. Is that the life that you want?

Original poster
NewManIssue · 02/05/2025 21:05

Hi, I’m sorry to be absent. Yes, I’ve read it all and I’m not making a joke. It is a very sobering read

Obviously a lot of it was hard to read people making comments about me and my personality which aren’t true. I’m a very kind forgiving person and obviously that doesn’t always bode well.

More conversations to be hard and yes, I’m probably gonna walk away from this one. I’m not desperate. I Was very happily single and it was a chance meeting that turned into something more but I’ve got a really nice life and a lot to offer someone however only the right person

So thank you to those that were a bit unkind and thank you to those that were a bit more measured, but thank you all for your insights because I needed them!

I think I’ll probably leave it there for now. I don’t think there’s much else I can say. I’m not gonna defend myself. I’m not gonna defend him. I’m just gonna go away and digest everything that’s been said. I do appreciate it. I came on here for a reason and no, I’m not stupid, but thanks for saying I am.

Have a lovely bank holiday weekend, everybody

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 02/05/2025 21:05

Interesting that the OP hasn't changed back to this thread. I was talking about the original thread last night. I was wondering if the trigger for wetting the bed was health related. But, no, alcoholism. I think you'd been insane, as an experienced woman, to choose to develop a relationship with an alcoholic.