Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

It’s not our job as women to fix broken men.

A new relationship should be fun.., you should be this involved in his problems and life right now.

I think you are making a big mistake but you are unlikely to listen to advice given.

Or else he's so intensely immature and avoidant he won't even acknowledge he pissed all over someone's bed and apologise and maybe wake them up so they're not left lying in piss soaked bed. No, he just leaves and doesn't raise it.

Real partner material there.

This. I have a friend who married an alcoholic/ workaholic. She divorced him in the end. Then she found another man to save.She married him. This one constantly threatened suicide but was also a drinker and visited 5 prostitutes on a regular basis. She divorced him. Then she found a recently widowed man to save. I first met her during this relationship. It was tense, stressful and not remotely fun. He didn't respond to her efforts to save him and stubbornly still grieved for his late wife. She dumped him. She's currently in a new relationship with a man who has been through a toxic divorce ( all the exwifes fault obviously) has 2 daughters who are sometimes non binary, sometimes trans men. One daughter is currently going out with a boy who identifies as a girl. They've both refused school for years , self harmed and attempted suicide . Apparently on their first date he said that it would take a very special person to take on him and his troubled family. That's music to the ears of a rescuer. Its bloody catnip.Oh let me be that special person, oh let me please. Is that what this man has said to you Op.

Will end in tears.

And probably a wet bed.

Look, the bloke pissed in your bed and left you to clear it up.

That's all you need to know.

This. Why choose a relationship with an alcoholic who doesn't respect you. Madness.

‘all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this’

Oh my goodness this rings alarm bells for me, maybe his friends are sick to death of his behaviour and want to palm him off on you. I cannot imagine willingly entering into a relationship with an alcoholic. If he truly meant to get clean he would not involve you in the process. I genuinely hope I’m wrong but this isn’t going to end well.

What exactly is the best that you see in an alcoholic that pees in his new girlfriend’s bed and pretends he didn’t notice and leaves her to clean it up?? He’s a real catch isn’t he?!

Oh dear. You are not a rehabilitation centre for men who may be or may not be actively drinking alcoholics.

You're wasting your time and your life on this one.

Please bear in mind that it's (perhaps) surprisingly common for the alcoholic, after recovering and going dry, leaves the partner that has helped them through it. It's thought that having the supportive partner around is a constant reminder of the state they were in and they want a fresh start.

Please don’t fall in to the trap of assuming you or your relationship is enough to make him recover. If this was the case there would be millions of people cured of addictions. You clearly need some education and support in relation to your understanding of addiction so please seek support from al anon.

My question would be, what was causing him to drink so much? It's all very well him stopping drinking or reducing his alcohol intake for now. It may be that he simply started drinking more to socialise rather than go home alone. Or there could be more deeper seated reasons such as low mood or mental health problems.
I come from a family of alcoholics. I am not one, but I have witnessed the destruction. I have also had alcoholic friends. One died, one gave up alcohol altogether, although the damage was sadly too great. And another stopped drinking and remained sober and happily married for another 40 years. The fact that his friends are willing him to do well shows that actually he has a bigger issue than he's letting on.

People can and do give up drink. The ones who are successful tend to go cold turkey and recognise that they are alcoholics and get counselling and support. Unfortunately alcohol causes physical changes in the brain that can cause permanent addiction.

If I were you I would ensure that he's getting the support and help that he needs and that he has set this up himself. I would also suggest that he gets his liver tested for signs of permanent damage. If so, he might need monitoring, particularly for signs of liver cancer and liver function.

I think that a lot of posters have been very cynical here. Certainly I wouldn't wish to start a relationship with someone with alcohol issues. It's not your job to fix someone.
That said, he can turn this around with the right support, although it's a bit of a gamble. Good luck.

I work with alcoholics and not one I’ve ever met has been an alcoholic just because they like a drink. There will be some underlying issue, that he may be aware of or he may not have acknowledged even to himself yet, that is causing him to abuse alcohol and until he truly addresses whatever that issue is, this is going to happen again and again.

You sound well intentioned OP but I promise you, this talking to you’ve given him and a relationship with a grown up is not the miracle cure. It will repeat and by then your feelings will have deepened and walking away will be harder. There is no quick fix and you cannot fix him anyway. I would strongly advise stepping away, for your own future wellbeing. And idk your home situation but if you have children still at home, you’ve no business bringing this misery into their lives.

You have no idea who this person is that you are dating as they are presenting a version of themselves to you.

Is he now teetotal? Because thats the only way through with someone with such a long term entrenched addiction. His environment 'party friends' and working in hospitality are both incompatible environments for any chance of recovery

The one thing worse than an alcoholic is an aging alcoholic and is health will be poor. Dont flatter yourself that he has changed and you are the special adult he needs at this time - his friends, family and colleagues will be happy to palm him off for the year or two until he wrecks your life.

Suggest you call AA for partners of alcoholics, tell them about the bed wetting etc, and how he has promised etc. Ask them their take on it.

Just have him as a friend until he has had at least a year sober.

Or get a plastic mattress. And make him clean up his own disgusting mess.

He will have heard all this before, so will know what to say to you to convince you otherwise. Don't lend him any money or leave him alone in your house. Check the cistern for mini vodka bottles he will hide in your house. Keep checking everywhere all the time.

If there’s one thing I know about addicts it’s that ultimatums and promises never work and that they are good at pretending to be normal for short periods of time.

Good luck to you.

I’ve learned a LOT about him. - what have you learned?

He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. - what are the actions specifically?

He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant. - what are the massive efforts and what significant effects have you observed?

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. - what does this encompass?

I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. - what is good that he does?

He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. - what is the effort he has made, how long has he been consistent in these efforts?

He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic

I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

And yet, here you are. With him. An alcoholic. You’ve contradicted yourself massively. He really pissed the right bed, didn’t he?

Did he buy you a new mattress and bedding?
I'd say the fact he hadn't pissed your bed again over the last two weeks doesn't necessarily mean he's a changed man.
Don't let him sleep in your bed again.
I'm kind of disappointed that you didn't just end it with him tbh. You're way too old (or young) to be dealing with potential piss soaked beds?!

His second chance should come when he’s dealt with his alcohol problems not before.

Until he resolves what’s causing him to use this as his crutch he can’t be a good partner for anyone.

And she’s not entering into this with her eyes open, the stuff about going from strength to strength in the timeframe we’re dealing with is just naive.

She barely knows this individual who thought it was OK to pre in her bed and hightail it out the door. Odd that you think, on such a short acquaintance, that she owes him anything?

Read my post, @Flewaway. I was clear.
I don’t judge somebody I’ve only read about online. Actually, I try not to make it a habit of judging others.
Except Donald Trump. I hate that guy.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for broken men.

Gently, if he’s actually pissing the bed without telling you outright, leaving you wondering if you’re going mad. Sounds a bit like gaslighting. You are being very naive, having been in a similar situation, I wish someone had told me to cut my losses sooner rather than later. Alcoholics are manipulating and very good at lying and hiding the truth.

Honestly I’d run a mile from anyone who has alcohol problems. I dont know anyone op who has ‘defeated’ alcoholism. I know several people who all struggle(d) with drinking; not one of them have really managed to not let it affect their lives anymore even when sober.

Just walk away. If you want a fixer-upper, buy a house or a classic car.

Men should be fully-functional out-of-the-box.