Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

My boyfriend died two months ago - I'd been with him two years and he'd managed to keep his alcoholism a secret until he eventually drank himself to death. I wouldn't wish this shock and grief on anyone.

It's great if this man has stopped drinking. But he really needs to do things properly. And you need to really look after yourself, please be very aware and very careful.

Forget to say - get yourself to your nearest al anon meetings. You will need all the support you can get until this goes tits up.

And double up on contraception.

That probably IS his best behaviour lol

What I mean is he will sound convincing to op, make her believe he wants to change, fill her head with all sorts of bullshit so she sees him through those rose tinted glasses of hers.

I dread to think what he will be like a few months down the line. Promising sobriety and actually becoming sober and sticking to it are worlds apart. Good luck to op is all I can say

I read the previous thread and while I reckon many people might have an accident of similar nature once in their adult lives, what really jumped out at me was your comment that his friends had all noticed a big change since he met you. The moment someone says that to me, I want to know what it is they are changing from. Because that implies some kind of improvement. Usually people would just say 'he seems happy', not 'he has really changed'.

The next thing that jumps out is this update that he didn't just accidentally wet the bed, he is an alcoholic. You say 'he is going from strength to strength'. So how low was he when you met?
It does come across as though you are looking for approval and the fact that his friends all approve and are encouraging of this is making you feel......accepted? Seen? Appreciated?

In your post here you come across as bright and breezy and 'everything is going to be fine with him because now you are here'.....and that does, I am sorry to say....scream 'rescuer'.

In all honesty I would step back until he has resolved his demons. Be friends, casually date him if you like, but I would really advise taking an emotional step back for a few months. If he is trying to give up drink, he is already in a relationship with alcohol and he is not emotionally in a solid place to start an adult relationship. And if he does, you could easily become the new thing he depends on. Which is not healthy.

An alcoholic is someone for whom alcohol use cause them and/or others problems . Regardless of how much/how often they drink.

Pissing someone else’s bed to the extent it needs replaced. The someone else being a new partner. That’s a problem and a half.

It doesn’t need to be your problem. Why not leave him to it, with the proviso you might reconsider if he gets sober ( not dry, excuse the pun) in a serious way.

Please Google saviour complex

My ex was an alcoholic. He’s been dry now for nearly 20 years so it can happen. Any sign of him having a sneaky drink end it immediately though.

One of the things I can't forgive my ex for is not telling me in the first place he had a problem (he hid it well). That caused a lot of resentmrnt on my part. I would be put off by the fact he didn’t, and wasn’t going to, tell you.

Good luck but absolutely no second chances or falling for any bs. You don’t want to live through what I did.

You're trolling, right? Please say you are!

I think you’re doing the right thing giving it a go, with clear boundaries. Hopefully he will keep up the good behaviour, just be careful not to let things slip slowly.

And don’t forgot his binge drinking colleagues telling OP he no longer props up the bar sinking whiskeys anymore.

In the nicest possible way, so what? We are advising the OP in HER interests, the fact that it's nice for the guy to have a woman to support him in his alcoholism and a list of things that would make him feel better isn't relevant at all to her wellbeing. It isn't going to be very nice for the OP if things follow the typical trajectory. And she also deserves a chance of happiness. More so than he for that matter, given as you say she is kind and decent, and he wet her bed and walked off and left her to it.

I don't think you are stupid, I just suspect you are going to get badly hurt, which is sad. Alcoholism is a disease and recovery is very difficult, people don't generally just recover in a few months and that's problem solved.

A lot of us were posting on the previous thread because we've been through this already and it made us sad to see someone setting out along the same path.

It is absolutely devastating to watch someone who you love destroy themselves, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I hope that we're wrong but there is no way I would get involved with a problem drinker again. It's just too risky.

Maybe it was a numbers game.

When you stop drinking you're supposed to not start a new relationship with anyone - it's a replacement dependency. You're supposed to get sober and THEN embark on new relationships.

The danger is if the relationship ends and the alcoholic goes back to drinking.

It's lovely to hear from you, I've been wondering, and hoping all was well. However I am going to maintain my warning stance.

If he was serious about change he'd have:

owned that he is an alcoholic;
stopped drinking, possibly under medical supervision;
be in an ongoing support programme;
he would not be starting a relationship, because he is already in a relationship, an all-consuming one, with alcohol, and he needs to end that before he is able to enter a healthy relationship with anyone else.

His friends are desperate for someone else to take responsibility for him.

You have been designated and offered yourself up as fixer, nursemaid, and reward for good behaviour. I know you mean well, and you have shown awareness and candour here. You have indeed set clear boundaries. Paradoxically that's a warning sign here. Your own history, psyche, relationship with alcohol, and identity as a sometimes party person has drawn you straight into co-dependency.

Those boundaries are HIS boundaries, which he has to figure out and set and sustain for himself if he is to tackle his alcohol dependency. You cannot do that for him, with yourself as the prize; and that you have done means you are already a problematic element hindering his recovery.

Your role in this is also bad for you, I'm sure, if you delved into your own life.

Keep you wits about you, please keep posting here for reality checks (if you can bear us), have some therapy sessions to explore why a relationship dynamic like this is appealing to you. Wishing you all the very best x

Many many year ago in my early 20s I had a terrible relationship with alcohol and had huge issues and needed a huge quantity of alcohol every day.

I realised I had huge issues and stopped drinking for over a year and now 30 years on I rarely drink maybe a gin and tonic once a week.

I have never peed in the bed- ever.

You are investing in someone who showed you in the early days they are an alcoholic. You are blinded. You are trying to rescue them because you are the one to do - you are strong enough. You aren’t. You need to walk away and find someone without an addiction.

When a bad dog bites you, you put it down.

When an alcoholic does a piss and run, you dump him.

To be honest, having lived through this, it was more devastating to see him destroying me and our young family than it was watching him destroy himself.

Deceptive buggers are just happy he's someone else's problem now.
OP is in for a hell of a ride ☹️.

So wise @Stravaig

It is bad enough, dealing with the realities of a person who develops an alcohol problem later in life. Actively choosing to jump into the mess and misery of it in a new relationship... I can't even imagine. It's not just stupid, it's desperate beyond words. You know how it will end.

This. I lived through this too with 2 children one of 2 years old and one of 3. His friends were heavy drinkers. His shiny new girlfriend was a drinker. His family were drinkers. I didn't drink. My family didn't drink. I think he thought we'd give him a new life and save him. I lost my home. I was broke for years .All because of him.A PP said that alcoholics deserve a second chance. How many second chances do you think previous people have given him. You're just another in a long line.

@NewManIssue this might sound crackers, but if his initials are KB, steer well clear. I had a scarily similar experience with a man who, on the face of it, appeared to be a perfectly normal, functioning adult. He pissed the bed on more than one occasion. Luckily, it was his bed, not mine.

He was always going to 'sort himself out', never did. Just drank himself into oblivion on a daily basis. I had messages from ex girlfriends on Facebook warning me about him, which I ignored because I thought I was the one who was going to make him change his ways.

Even if it's not the same man, please be cautious.

He hid the fact that he's an alcoholic from her.

It's only after she's spoken to him about soiling her bed that he's mentioned about his problem with drink.

It's bizarre that the OP states that she " can't have a relationship with an alcoholic" but then proceeds to have a relationship with an alcoholic.
It'll all end badly, these situations always do.
You can see by his friends reactions that they've seen this many times before. It's just a different partner this time. I bet they've seen a few partners come and go.

So has he given up alcohol? Is he using a support program? As someone who spent a lot of years with a man who kept promising to change in my experience people only change for them selves not for others.

The fact that he had no desire to change until he met you is concerning. It’s easy enough to do for a short period whilst in the initial excitement of the relationship but what about when you get more comfortable. And if you love him by then how easy will it be to walk away.

This is the fun exciting bit, it’s already full of baggage and stress. I’d question if it’s worth it. I remember your original post I still don’t believe he wasn’t fully aware of what he left you to deal with.