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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

282 replies

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

OP posts:
OminousFlute · 01/05/2025 20:08

Remember, he knew he was an alcoholic and he knew that he'd pissed in your bed and yet he didn't mention either of those things until you brought it up.

Perhaps before you commit to him you should go to a few Al-Anon sessions and see what it is you are actually committing to. It's not something you can fix.

Strangeworldtoday · 01/05/2025 20:12

I went out with an alcoholic and it ruined my life for 4 years until I finally left him to it. I still hate him with avengwnce even though he died from related diseases. Good luck OP.

nomas · 01/05/2025 20:12

I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

That’s literally what you’re in. End of.

since then he’s gone from strength to strength.

You’ve been together 6 weeks. I’ve had cheese in the fridge for longer than that.

Icepinkeskimo · 01/05/2025 20:13

He’s got an addiction to alcohol, you need to accept that any addicts first priority will be the addiction.
You will always be second best, yes it’s a hard fact however that is the reality.
He may have a secondary addiction, coke normally goes hand in hand with alcohol.
Life for an addict is torture, it’s a constant state of “needing” the next fix.
Love does not conquer all, addiction rips apart not only the addict but all those who love and care about this person.
On the surface life might be great, scratch the scar and it you know the truth.
Never ever believe an addict, they are compulsive and manipulative liars.

Pieceofcakes · 01/05/2025 20:15

Good luck OP.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/05/2025 20:15

I would imagine his friends are rooting for him.
They've obviously seen him meet someone, have a drink, piss the bed and get dumped numerous times.
They probably can't believe his luck this time either.

SeaShelli · 01/05/2025 20:16

No shade, and good luck. All I will say is alcoholics are pro at hiding things.

AgentJohnson · 01/05/2025 20:17

Good luck! However, ‘the love of a good woman’ is not the cure all. You’ve just signed up for a phase where promises are made and he will do his best to hoodwink you into believing he hasn’t broken them.

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 01/05/2025 20:17

Women are not rehab centres for men, OP. And it's not your role in life to "fix" him. There is no prize, just a shattered heart and expectations. Good luck to you.

Dweetfidilove · 01/05/2025 20:17

all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this.

OH, I bet they are 😃.

Woollygreymittens · 01/05/2025 20:17

OP I commented on your last thread. Please get out while you can, there is only sadness and misery ahead. He’s on his best behaviour at the moment as you’re at the beginning of your relationship and things are fresh and fun. I can guarantee 2 years down the line you’ll be regretting the day you ever met him

Dolly34 · 01/05/2025 20:19

This reply has been deleted

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DreamTheMoors · 01/05/2025 20:20

Everybody, with the exception of serial killers and rapists and a few other assorted bad people, deserve a second chance.
A bad dog wasn’t born a bad dog - somebody made him a bad dog. That dog deserves a second chance.
We all face challenges in life - this man faces a far more difficult challenge than most. He faces an uphill battle, and the support he receives will be crucial. What he doesn’t need is condemnation or condescension.
I wish you both the best of luck - you’re kind and decent and that’s a very good thing.

Velmy · 01/05/2025 20:23

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

Thanks for your update OP.

You'll receive a lot of criticism on here over this, but the important thing is that you've addressed the issue with him and he's making positive changes.

Alcoholism (if that's what this is) is a tough nut to crack, but it is absolutely doable.

You obviously feel that he's worth fighting for. I hope he keeps fighting for you too.

:)

Ihateboris · 01/05/2025 20:23

I wish you the very best...but would suggest buying a mattress protector, just in case 🙄

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2025 20:24

He has to want to stop drinking of his own free will. No one can help him with that. You are right in that it is an uphill battle but you are wrong re the rest of it. Also he’s a chef and that profession is riven with alcoholics and alcohol dependence.

Support can often lead into enabling which helps no one, least of all the alcoholic.

Kettlemetal · 01/05/2025 20:25

I can’t see your old thread but I sincerely hope you don’t have children of your own or have children with this man.

I have no idea why anyone would start a relationship with an alcoholic. It is an awful disease that causes utter misery for all those who get sucked in.

LivelyMintViper · 01/05/2025 20:26

Everyone deserves a second chance. I have known 2 alcoholics. One hasn't had a drink for forty years and the other for twenty nine. Both had huge incentives via their relationships to sort themselves out. Both joined AA. Both are lovely people. So good for you. You sound as if you have your head screwed on and will be strong enough to walk if things go west. All the best to you both

Frustratedmumpleasehelp · 01/05/2025 20:26

With kindness, you are not seeing the extent of this issue.
At the start he will show you the ‘watered down’ and ‘best’ version of himself. Dr Jekyll rather than Edward Hyde.
I would advise against getting involved with an addict. This is an awful merry go round of co dependent pain that’s easier to walk away from NOW before you are too invested to see the light. ♥️

LBFseBrom · 01/05/2025 20:31

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/05/2025 19:07

Good luck. I think you are going to need lots of it.

I agree.

OP, keep your options open. This guy is not the only fish in the sea so line up a couple of others. He's not your partner, too soon for that. Don't be in a rush to make a commitment. Have fun, be careful.

Catoo · 01/05/2025 20:31

It’s been two weeks since this Prince pissed your bed, gaslighted you about it, and left you to deal with it.

In that two weeks you’ve seen him maybe 7 times? And you already think he’s making great progress and going from strength to strength.

Do you think he’s sobered up after a lifetime of alcoholism in 14 days? Do you think you’re the only ‘adult’ he’s ever dated?

Has he replaced your mattress yet?

You’re being very naive. Agree with PP that it would be worth checking out AA resources for partners of alcoholics as you are going to need support when he inevitably slips up.

Good luck! 🤞

2Hot2Handle · 01/05/2025 20:31

My DH is a recovering functional alcoholic and was drinking for over 10 years of us being together. I would advise anyone that is in the early stages of a relationship with someone with an alcohol problem to walk away. It’s highly likely that he will tell you everything you need to hear, so that he can carry on drinking. It’s also highly likely that you will be massively negatively impacted by this. It didn’t happen all at once for me, the situation slowly chipped away at me.

If this guy is serious about getting sober, he should join AA tomorrow and hold off having a relationship for a while.

Flewaway · 01/05/2025 20:31

HunnyPot · 01/05/2025 19:27

Glad to hear it’s working out. You sound like you have healthy boundaries and unlike a lot of women on here you’re not living in rom-com world when you have to find a ‘perfect’ man to sweep you off your feet.

I wish you both all the best

She’s living in rom com world where love conquers all, and a good woman can heal a broken man.

renoleno · 01/05/2025 20:34

titchy · 01/05/2025 19:20

You are having a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic though unless I misunderstood your last thread.

This. Alcoholics aren’t supposed to drink…the only way to stop being one is through AA or similar which means no drinking. There’s no other effort to be made. He’s not trying that hard if he still drinks and still wets the bed. Also if his friends drink with him they’re not good friends are they - so their opinion of him doesn’t count for much.

I mean you can say you’ll walk as you can’t date an alcoholic but he is one, and you’re still there buying his BS excuses. He’s 50 years old and you’re being nursemaid and Guinea pig but justifying it as a bit of fun - though it’s obvious you like him helluva lot and will struggle to let go of him for reasons known only to yourself. Good luck, you’ll need it!

LadyJaneBlue · 01/05/2025 20:34

I am wondering why you have absolutely no self esteem or instinct for self preservation?

Pissing the bed is deplorable. Its the trait of a long-term, chronic alcoholic who is likely good at masking his problem, until that happens.

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