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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

282 replies

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/05/2025 20:36

Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason.
Can I ask then, how your social life as a couple will work, going forward?

Tartanboots · 01/05/2025 20:36

Who's going to look after you though?
What do you want out of life - marriage, kids, partnership, fun? How is he going to be able to contribute to those things as an alcoholic, it will all be built on sand.
I hope his friends aren't guilt tripping you. It's no fun being the sensible one who picks up the pieces. Phoning round hospitals, wondering who he's on a bender with, everyone either feeling sorry for you being with such a loser or looking down on you for not partying. It took me years to come to my senses and leave. Don't be me.

HollidayRanger · 01/05/2025 20:39

Buy a rubber sheet just in case

TipsyJoker · 01/05/2025 20:39

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2025 19:08

What massive efforts had he made to change things? Your last thread was quite recent and he is still very much on his best behaviour .

You’re not stupid but you are codependent and that emotional state does not help you at all. You’re already in a relationship with someone with alcohol problems. It is far too early for either of you to declare such change and I fear you will be hurt very badly by this relationship.

AA advices alcoholics not to get into a relationship until they have been sober for at least a year because it’s too much to cope with.

nadine90 · 01/05/2025 20:40

You think you might be what HE needs, what do you need? Probably not getting pissed on, lied to and your heart broken. Come on op, no-one can fix anyone but themselves

StrawberrySundaes · 01/05/2025 20:41

I saw your previous thread (didn’t comment) and thought he was an alcoholic.

Just curious to know after your chat with him and discussing his trigger did he disclose it was the alcohol? At what point did you find out about his drinking problem? Alcoholics can be very secretive about their drinking and a lot of lying goes on to keep up the charade that their just normal.

Lyannaa · 01/05/2025 20:42

GustyBaloo · 01/05/2025 19:26

Alcoholics need to stop for themselves.
They also shouldn't be in a new relationship whilst trying to do so.

He'll be drinking when you're not together.

Sadly, I agree with this.

People’s addictions don’t just disappear overnight because a partner came swooping in to save them. I should know - my 4 year relationship with an ex boyfriend ended because he relapsed onto heroin. It had to be the end.

Flewaway · 01/05/2025 20:44

DreamTheMoors · 01/05/2025 20:20

Everybody, with the exception of serial killers and rapists and a few other assorted bad people, deserve a second chance.
A bad dog wasn’t born a bad dog - somebody made him a bad dog. That dog deserves a second chance.
We all face challenges in life - this man faces a far more difficult challenge than most. He faces an uphill battle, and the support he receives will be crucial. What he doesn’t need is condemnation or condescension.
I wish you both the best of luck - you’re kind and decent and that’s a very good thing.

He’s had as many chances as he wanted before he met OP. He had support from his friends. He had access to whatever professional support he could have chosen to seek out.

Stop creating false narratives to portray OP as his one second chance and miracle cure.

This isn’t what has happened and isn’t what is going to happen.

OP is someone with such poor boundaries that he can piss on her bed, let her clean his piss up, tell her he’s an alcoholic and she’ll STILL keep on in a relationship with him. Do you really think when months or years down the line when his alcoholism becomes apparent again that she’ll have the boundaries to leave then? When she’s really emotionally invested?

Mumofnarnia · 01/05/2025 20:46

Wow it just goes to show how low some people have their bar set.

He will be on his best behaviour as the relationship is still very new and he will tell you everything you want to hear!
The truth is you don’t know what the fuck he’s doing when you’re not with him. But if he’s an alcoholic he will most likely be drinking at home while telling you he’s all fixed and everything is all nice and la di da!
He might have looked like he was ‘changing’ during your little weekend together but you aren’t with him 24/7 and he could tell you all sorts of shit about how he’s not drinking, that he’s a changed man, that his friends/ family are rooting for him!
Give it 12 months and I bet he is still saying he’s going to change while still pissing in your bed!

My experience of having more than one alcoholic in my family is that they don’t/ won’t/ can’t change just because YOU want them to. They have to want to do it for themselves and for the most part, they DO want to change but they just can’t and even if they do, they are prone to relapses, even after going on a detox programme! And if he’s not on a detox programme and just telling you he’s ‘changing’ then you can forget it op! Alcoholism is an addiction, you can’t just ‘change’, it generally takes some form of therapy/ programme and a lot of will power to do so!

So good luck, you’re going to need all the luck you can get.

Flewaway · 01/05/2025 20:48

LivelyMintViper · 01/05/2025 20:26

Everyone deserves a second chance. I have known 2 alcoholics. One hasn't had a drink for forty years and the other for twenty nine. Both had huge incentives via their relationships to sort themselves out. Both joined AA. Both are lovely people. So good for you. You sound as if you have your head screwed on and will be strong enough to walk if things go west. All the best to you both

He pissed in her bed and walked off leaving her to deal with it.

Why on earth are some posters portraying such as woman as ‘well boundaried snd strong enough to walk away’. If she was that, she’d have done it.

DoYouReally · 01/05/2025 20:48

No alcoholic every has proven sobriety between your first thread and this one. Even if he hasn't drank since wetting the bed, it's still far to early to consider him sober. It could change in a minute.

He also didn't even bother to tell you when he wet your bed.

You are absolutely mad to consider a relationship with this man. If would be very different is he was long term sober and actually managing same he's not.

He's an alcoholic and you are extremely naive and foolish.

pompey38 · 01/05/2025 20:49

NewManIssue · 01/05/2025 19:01

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

Big mistake

Gettingbysomehow · 01/05/2025 20:53

So you are making excuses for an alcoholic. Good luck with that.
Even my 15 year old cat doesn't piss the bed.

5128gap · 01/05/2025 20:53

The one piece of advice I'd go back and give myself that would have changed my life and spared me so much pain, would be to not get involved with a drinker. I'd have probably ignored it though to be honest. As like you, I was happy to believe the relationship with me would be enough. The lovely happiness everyone said I was bringing him would mean the need to drink had gone. The risk of losing me would be a deterrent. Obviously, I was wrong on all counts. Just in case you are too OP, keep your expectations low, and try not to go all in emotionally. You're wise to keep some of your world separate. Good luck.

TwistedWonder · 01/05/2025 20:53

Yes addicts do deserve a second chance - once they’ve put in the work to deal with their addiction, had therapy, joined AA, gone into rehab and stayed single until they are a long way into their recovery.

My friends parter is an alcoholic- he’s been sober for 12 years and she’s very proud of him. However, she still has boundaries and he knows if he fucks up, she’s gone.

This man has done no work on his recovery and seems to want a woman to be his emotional crutch. The fact he’s still drinking to the point he pisses the bed is the most massive red flag.

Honestly you’ve known this man 5 minutes and you’re already offering yourself up as his rehab centre - why do you value yourself so little to think this is all you’re worth?

TrainGame · 01/05/2025 20:56

This is probably going to end badly OP.

Why are you posting on here again? What do you want us to say?

SchrodingersTwat2 · 01/05/2025 20:57

He needs to never drink again and extensive counselling and/or professional help.

I say that as someone who hasn't had a drink for 26 years.

AngelinaFibres · 01/05/2025 20:57

HunnyPot · 01/05/2025 19:27

Glad to hear it’s working out. You sound like you have healthy boundaries and unlike a lot of women on here you’re not living in rom-com world when you have to find a ‘perfect’ man to sweep you off your feet.

I wish you both all the best

Many of the women on here ( me included) have been married to alcoholics. My exhusband created huge problems in my life ( we had 2 tiny children at the time) and then left for a 17 year old. He continued being an alcoholic for all the years he was with her and the birth of another child. She divorced him after he had financially ruined her life. Before his suicide last Spring he started a third relationship with a woman who was a recovering alcoholic. She wanted to save him. He gave her all the talk but every other weekend ( when she mistakenly thought he was seeing his teenage daughter at the flat he had that actually didn't exist) he booked into a cheap hotel and drank himself stupid for 2 days. Once he had burned through all his pensions, left £100,000 in debts and an absolute shitstorm for our now adult sons to sort out he took a massive overdose and died. Never, ever, ever get into a relationship with an addict. They will bleed you dry.

TrainGame · 01/05/2025 20:57

Presumably there are 1000s of men out there without a drink problem you could potentially date.

Why would you choose someone with a lot of baggage?

Are you a rescuer? Do you like to rescue people?

Richiewoo · 01/05/2025 20:58

Too many red flags to start a relationship with someone like him. If he's an alcoholic he can't just stop drinking.

Dweetfidilove · 01/05/2025 20:58

Mumofnarnia · 01/05/2025 20:46

Wow it just goes to show how low some people have their bar set.

He will be on his best behaviour as the relationship is still very new and he will tell you everything you want to hear!
The truth is you don’t know what the fuck he’s doing when you’re not with him. But if he’s an alcoholic he will most likely be drinking at home while telling you he’s all fixed and everything is all nice and la di da!
He might have looked like he was ‘changing’ during your little weekend together but you aren’t with him 24/7 and he could tell you all sorts of shit about how he’s not drinking, that he’s a changed man, that his friends/ family are rooting for him!
Give it 12 months and I bet he is still saying he’s going to change while still pissing in your bed!

My experience of having more than one alcoholic in my family is that they don’t/ won’t/ can’t change just because YOU want them to. They have to want to do it for themselves and for the most part, they DO want to change but they just can’t and even if they do, they are prone to relapses, even after going on a detox programme! And if he’s not on a detox programme and just telling you he’s ‘changing’ then you can forget it op! Alcoholism is an addiction, you can’t just ‘change’, it generally takes some form of therapy/ programme and a lot of will power to do so!

So good luck, you’re going to need all the luck you can get.

He's wasn't even on his best behavior given he pissed the bed and walked off without a backward glance.
Now the OP has chased him down the road, he's promised sobriety so she'll stick around.
Even his friends have the measure of him.

StrawberryDream24 · 01/05/2025 20:58

like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this.

I'm sure he's had previous relationships with adults.
Didn't solve his alcohol issues.

Unless both he and you are maligning his exes as not being "adults".
It's rather unlikely that they were all crap.

I've heard people say numerous times that they thought a relationship with a good person would sort out an alcohol-dependent person.

It didn't.

TrainGame · 01/05/2025 20:58

OP going to get her heart broken...

Mumofnarnia · 01/05/2025 20:58

And just to add to my last post. Let me tell you that an alcoholic pissing the bed isn’t a one-off , despite what he might want you to believe. It’s a very common occurrence! As I say, I’ve had family members in this situation. They get drunk, stupidly drunk, pass out, collapse, piss and shit themselves, hide bottles of alcohol all over the house, hide them in the garden even, lie, ruin occasions, ruin holidays, collapse outdoors on a dark winters night and nearly freeze themselves to death! I’ve seen it all.

And they can’t just ‘change’ in the space of a few weeks otherwise there would be a lot less alcoholics in this world if it was really that easy!

Hillsaremyhappyplace · 01/05/2025 20:59

Alarm bells ringing loud and clear “a relationship with an adult is what he needed”