Update on New Partner Wet the Bed

[NewManIssue]

I’m not sure how to link to my previous thread, sorry!

So. I told him it was a deal breaker and since then I’ve learned a LOT about him. He is very keen to change his life and all the signs and actions are good. He’s definitely got a shit relationship with alcohol bordering on alcoholic if not an alcoholic however he has made massive efforts to change this and the effects are significant.

we had a great weekend away and since then he’s gone from strength to strength. I’ve asked what he gets up to when we’re not together as we aren’t in one another’s pockets at my request, and all good. He’s making so much effort that I’m giving him a chance to see if it continues. He knows if it doesn’t I will walk. No repeats of bed wetting.

I know the nay sayers will call me an idiot but I’m not stupid and neither is he. I literally said I can’t have a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic. End of.

So we shall see see. Still early days! He’s got more support than me in this as all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this. Everyone previously sounds like party people which I am but within reason. I’ve got a responsible job and a quiet life I also love!

Uhuh

Lol - “how about this for an article? Desperate women who will believe anything”…

Recovering alcoholic here, do encourage him to reach out and get some support for his drinking. From his GP, AA or similar sober support group. It’s very easy to see all the glitter of something new and exciting and think finally this is what I needed to finally change my life.

But getting sober for someone else is very fragile. First big argument or maybe you split for a bit, suddenly the floor is pulled out from under you and you reach for what’s familiar. He needs a support network of other sober people, not just love.

Is it absolutely possible decide you’re done and to turn your life around? Yes! I was drinking 200 units a week and then I said enough, and I stopped. I didn’t go to rehab. I didn’t go to AA, though I do have a sober support group and sober friends. And a lot of therapy to address the reasons why I was drinking. I’ve never looked back. I’m 2 years sober now. The absolute best thing I ever did. But I did it for myself and I needed a sober community for support.

Can totally relate to this. I ended up with a type of PTSD. And do you know what’s ‘hilarious’ he doesn’t really remember any of it! I still get flashbacks even though he’s been long recovered and our children are adult. It changed who I was, no one can see the change but I’m not the same person I was.

Maybe he usually ‘dates’ children.

This is not going to work.

@NewManIssue As a daughter of an alcoholic dad, i give it 6 months to a year before he turns back to drink. By which point you are too deeply involved and start making excuses for him and feel sorry because of his bad chilhood blah blah.. Fun times ahead! Not.

My DH has a not great relationship with alcohol , that he is working on .

He did this. Only when he had drank spirits and got himself ridiculously drunk. That along with other things was enough to give him an ultimatum. He did seek help , but ultimately fell of the wagon. However , I put boundaries in - he is to never drink alcohol in the house , I will have a few drinks with him ( a date night etc ) but he’s to have no spirits and nothing crazy ( no bringing alcohol back to the house , no going on to a club etc ) - I am not a massive drinker at all.

He will go to the pub sometimes, he works away so will have a few beers whilst he’s working away and I don’t care as I don’t deal with him 🤣 if he goes to the pub when he’s at home, he’s on the sofa. I will not have my sleep ruined by his snoring , or the stench of alcohol.

It’s worked ok - he needs that outlet I think . He works where there is a culture of “ beers after work “ , all his friendships and family events revolve around drinks. But I don’t want that life. He hasn’t touched spirits for a year and no issues .

I do strongly believe he should give up for himself and not because of you. That is a disaster waiting to happen. My ex could not give up for me or our children so I left him. He finally gave up when he ended up in hospital and they told him next time he won’t be leaving alive.

If he doesn’t seek out proper support and just relies on himself, be very wary. Personally I would not even entertain a relationship with him until he has proved himself by staying dry for at least a year.

He hasn’t reached rock bottom yet which means there’s still plenty of mileage left for him to have a drink here and there, just one won’t hurt he’ll say to himself.

One of my closest most favourite people in the whole world is an alcoholic. It’s been a steep learning curve for me. Read about codependency and addiction. Find support - whether from a therapist with experiences of alcoholism or something like al anon. If you don’t understand what you are dealing with you will end up
an anxious mess.

unfortunately new attempts at sobriety (is he attempting sobriety?) and new relationships tend not to go together. Lying and gaslighting is pretty much universal in the land of active alcoholism or even abstinence. Sobriety is different from abstinence and takes real work. You can’t save him.

Op what did you want us to say? You have just started a long and arduous journey of playing a supporting role to a raging alcoholic. I think yes I feel disappointed, for you, mainly.

Has he paid for a new mattress, bedding and quilt? I wish you the best of luck.

It was my turn to host the mums and tots group at my house. It was the same day the recycling boxes went out for the bin men. I had become immune to it but they were overflowing with bottles and cans ( and I didnt even put it all out every week because there was so much). One of the mums was pretending to be offended that we'd had a party and not invited the mums from the group. No it wasn't a party for 50 people it was just my husband's weekly booze. After that day I started doing a car run to the recycling containers at a further away supermarket( so people I knew wouldn't see me) so that when the boxes went out the amount looked 'normal '. Amazing what crap you'll allow to seep into your life when you live with an addict

@NewManIssue youve had a lot of replies in the same vein. All I’ll add is what I’ve said before on threads like this - women do not exist to fix broken men. We are not props to hold up the wobbly table of their existence. Good luck with everything.

all his friends male and female are rooting for him and feel like a relationship with an adult is what he needed to do this.

Even if someone was my friend, I'll be honest - I wouldn't be encouraging some poor woman who's bed he's pissed all over (and left her in, if I got that right) without a word; to get further into a relationship with him.

And I wouldn't think a relationship with anyone would help solve his problems. I'd just think she was being set up for a load of rubbish.

I think they're treating you rather abysmally.

Maybe they're glad to have someone else to put supporting him onto the shoulders of, they probably need a break.

Clear boundaries??? Op has zero boundaries. On her previous thread she stated clearly that she was going to talk to him and if it turned out that he knew he had pissed the bed, or even know it was possible he might piss the bed, she would walk away without a backward glance. Less than 24 hours later, she posted that she had indeed spoken to him, and not only did he know that pissing the bed was a possibility, he knew he had done so and just left it for her to clean up, and he had drank knowing that was a trigger for him pissing the bed. And not only did the op not walk away without a backward glance like she said she would, she ran towards him, only stopping en-route to buy some waterproof bedding.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

You’re thinking with your Fanny and not your head. You won’t ‘fix’ him.

So now it's been confirmed he is an alcoholic. As many of us pointed out early on is the only reason they piss beds.

Sorry op but you forgave the bed pissing red flag. And now you're forgiving another.

He's on his best behaviour, of course he is.

But you already have two red flags

'Oh everyone around me were party animals'. Any excuse.

Sorry op. I know it sucks but you're lowering your boundaries and making excuses. It's begun.

Please for the love of goodness, if you're overlooking this, make this the last red flag you forgive.

@NewManIssue this is almost like a form of self harm on your part. Statistically he will more than likely relapse. My advice would be to get out now. You will
live a life of chaos with this man, he pissed all over your bed in a drunken stupor ffs! In the honeymoon phase!

Why has OP come back to report this?
Surely validation of your relationship is not required from random people on the Internet.

If you have any doubts though about him and if his behaviour will impact you negatively, you know what you need to do.

I agree with this, because the idea that he needed a relationship with an adult to manage his alcoholism is a mistake from what little of know of this type of thing. It’s actually a sign he isn’t dealing with it, because it isn’t until he takes full responsibility himself, no matter what his circumstances, that he can make the changes he needs.

I am concerned that you’ll just end up getting hurt OP.

My childhood was wrecked by an alcoholic stepparent. I'd be out.

I thought at the time you'd be nuts to consider continuing a relationship with a guy who pissed in your bed and walked away to leave you to deal with it. That action in itself would be enough for me to be done with him. You rate him for some reason, he doesn't rate you at all. You're not worthy of an admission of an accident nor apology nor restitution. And yet you're going back for more...

Oh OP, that's all great except he woke up and left you to deal with his piss.

When he messed up he let you pick up the pieces.

He's not ready.

I can 100% guarantee that this is the biggest mistake that you'll ever make

Thank you for the update, I’ve been thinking of you. He sounds like a complete rescue job I’m afraid. Don’t get involved. Can you imagine a shared, equal partnership, maybe children, sharing wider family, being able to rely on him equally? Good luck.

I have a close relative who was alcohol dependant for a long time.

(Currently in some kind of rehab).

After divorce around 40, she dated fairly constantly and the only relationship that stuck was with another alcohol dependant person.

Do you know why that is, op?
It's because the vast majority of people past their late 30s are too old and wise not to leg it away from alcoholics.
They run.

They think "fuck that for a game of soldiers" and they gtfo of there and continue looking for someone else.

That's what you should do.