Partner ended relationship. 5 week old baby

[Gettingonmynerves1]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago. My partner has been fantastic - really hands on, doing his fair share, assisting with my recovery, I honestly couldn’t love him more. He helped enormously as I required a c section in the end.

I won’t lie though, I have found the last 5 weeks incredibly tough, physically, mentally and emotionally. At one point I wondered if I had postnatal depression but I no longer think thats the case. I definitely have had a bit of anxiety which is starting to clear. Overall, I am starting to feel much better mentally, but I am exhausted and I am emotional. As such I have been snapping at my partner at times which is difficult as he is doing so much, working full time and taking care of us. I know I’ve been a bitch. I have apologised every time, explained that I am tired and hormonal, but unfortunately it’s got too much for him and he’s said enough is enough, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I am 100% sure that he’s not having an affair.

This stemmed from a conversation last night where I said I wanted to put the bins out and he said he would do it if I hold our son for 3 minutes. I explained that he can just put him down for 3 minutes, I snapped and said he never puts him down and as such it’s making it difficult for me to get ready in the morning when he’s not here. I also asked him the other night not to keep kissing our son first thing in the morning as it was waking him up and I was losing sleep.

I apologised but nothing. Help! He’s truly done

Dear God, if that's all it takes to throw in the towel then you're better off without him. Let him go, I suspect he'll soon return.

Jesus, the going gets tough and he runs out after 5 weeks? You just had a baby, and he's running away because things are suddenly harder?

Hell of a fair weather friend isn't he?

When did men become so shallow? God help him when anything bad happens to him - he'll have all the anchoring ability of a plastic wrapper skidding over the pavement in the breeze.

I think you need to have a conversation with him, or frankly, better, an older male friend or family member needs to talk to him and tell him that yes, it's tough, but he needs to buckle up.

You need to manage to only snap half the time, and to talk to him. Snapping at him long term is not on, and you won't like the person you become.

And he needs to work out that having a baby changes things, that you're going through hormonal changes and both going through sleeplessness and it's hard.

This is where the men are separated from the boys.

I hope this is just a wobble for you two and you can find your way through this. Do you have any family help?

5 weeks in and he's already giving up? oh dear.

You’ve done nothing wrong. The hormones are all over the place, the tiredness, baby crying etc it’s mentally and physically draining. He is definitely behaving like a spoiled child. He has a responsibility.
Maybe he needs to be more understanding and listen to your needs. It’s really bad from him to do it. Just wash his hands off. What if you’d do the same? Maybe he wants to stay with the newborn and you can get a nice, non-stressful life to yourself? Honestly, why men think it’s even acceptable to be like that and play the victim. He might get few days to himself and feel bad about it and apologize for it. If not, then don’t hold him back. Stay strong!!!

Life is hard with a new baby, and you seem to be defending him and blaming yourself in your post.

Of course you are going to be hormonal - there are huge fluctuations happening within your body right now of hormones, not to mention adapting to having a baby and physically recovering from a c section.

He doesn’t sound supportive to me - supportive men don’t throw the towel in at week 5 with the woman they love because it’s a bit rough.

Sounds like an excuse to me and he wants to blame you for breaking up to alleviate his guilt.

Look it’s hard for both of you

he is just as tired as you

you need to mind your attitude and tone regardless

no one is thinking straight in these early days

you could have easily took the bins out yourself if he was holding the baby - not sure why you thought he should do it?

Ive had a c section and it’s ok to put the bins out

Does this go beyond snapping? What kind of things have you been saying to him?

It must be pretty extreme for him to consider leaving.

Not necessarily everyone could though.

Five weeks after my section I definitely couldn’t have safely put our bins out.

It also depends on the heaviness / location etc.

It’s not true to say a blanket ‘it’s ok to put the bins out’.

I offered to put the bins out. He kept telling me not to as he would do it which is when he then said to hold the baby and I said the above.

He dislikes my family and how they have been, that’s where the main bone of contention falls.

The worst I have said when I was really struggling was that I wanted to walk away and not come back as baby boy can do better. I immediately regretted it and just had post baby blues.

I can’t see anything you’ve done ‘wrong’ as such. It sounds like you’re very aware when you’ve snapped or said something out of anger and immediately apologised. Honestly, he needs to grow a thicker skin and empathise a little more on the physical and mental toll of having a baby combined with lack of energy is having on you. Also these disagreements are going to be ongoing for a good while as your child gets older and he needs to be level headed and deal with them but the fact he’s run out on you already after 5 weeks! Ooof! Pathetic - sounds like an excuse to me to just leave you.

I just feel guilty. Where I’ve been recovering he’s been trying to let me sleep as much as possible. In turn he’s getting less sleep than me, but working long hours! I feel so selfish but I always insist that I’ll do more

Yes woman. Mind your attitude and tone. Know your place.

Five week old babies don’t like to be put down. Ever. This isn’t his fault; all babies are like this. You shouldn’t have had a go at him for that. Totally unreasonable.

Hopefully he’ll be back once he’s calmed down, but please try to be nice to each other. Babies are really, really hard work.

Put the wind up him. Ask him which half of every week he’s taking the baby 24/7.

I can’t believe some of the messages on here. Yes it’s hard on both parents having a baby, but come on! Threatening to leave her at 5 weeks post partum?!?! What a spineless wet wipe of a man.

my partner and I said all sorts of horrid things and snapped at each other no end in the early months, through the fog of sleep deprivation and hormones. Never once did I ever ever worry that he was going to abandon us.

im so sorry you are going through this OP.

Tell him to take the baby with him, see how long he lasts.

OP I think he perhaps is over tired and being dramatic here. However you need a stern word with him that you’ve just birthed a baby, shit is going to be hard for a good 6-8 months for you and also for him as the baby fathers and he is going to need to suck it up somewhat and not be threatening to leave you when the going get a abit tough.

I can't say the op has done nothing wrong as we only have one version of this, so because the op has only put one example this is the only thing that has happened, for women they have a 'broke the camels back incident' if it is a case of the op being as she says i would not put up being treated badly and my husband using 'hormones' as am excuse so why should a man?

But again I don't know the full story only the op does, and i am sure others women are fine with being treated badly i would not be one of them so wouldn't do it to my husband baby or not it is not an excuse

Why would you not hold your baby for 3 minutes?

Honestly, holding a baby and cuddling them is not making a rod for your own back.

Having a baby does not give you the green light to behave however the heck you want, say whatever hurtful thing comes into your head and your partner (who by all accounts is not a deadbeat dad) should just have to suck it up.
But it sounds like you have realised that and give a chance you would be open to working together and being mature about this.
Let him cool off and talk like adults. NO TEARS. No shouting. No insults. A conversation. Set your stall out RE what you need and let him do likewise. Then find a way through.

I’m struggling to see what you have done wrong OP, if I’m honest. You shouldn’t be second guessing yourself.

If there is a way back - and think really carefully if you are prepared to invest in someone who bails at the first sign of trouble - I would start by looking at what could be done as a team so that you both get a little more sleep.

5 weeks is a really hard stage for parents. The early glow has passed and the reality of night after night of broken sleep is relentless and exhausting. But 2 hourly wakings will become 3 hourly, then 4. You are in survival mode. Let things that aren’t important wait. Tag team a lie in or an early night, get a friend to make you a freezer meal and hang on in there.

If he won’t stay after such a short time, remember you and your child deserve better.

Not the same is it, she's literally birthed a baby and has had major surgery - she is tired and physically recovering. I would probably give my partner a pass to be a bit snappy. He's an adult and he should be discussing behaviour he doesn't find acceptable bot threatening to leave at an extremely vulnerable time.

Why no tears? And why have you stated ‘no tears’ in capital letters? But ‘no shouting’ and ‘no insults’ in standard sized font?

Pause and take a breath and cut each other some slack. You're struggling to get the bins out so tell him that neither of you is in any position to make important life decisions right now!

The first few weeks after a newborn are the equivalent of a bomb being dropped into your lives. You had pictured yourselves blissfully nesting with your gorgeous baby but in reality you're both exhausted, shocked, can't think straight and wondering if you're going to survive this. You have hormones raging through you and have just had major abdominal surgery and your husband is trying to perform at work on hardly any sleep and you are both trying to work out how to keep a small human alive. I had NO idea what sleep deprivation really felt like, and its effect on the mind and body, until I had my first child. All I can say is that I now understand why it's a legally recognised form of torture. It's the steepest learning curve for some of us. I was unrecognisable to myself let alone my DH those first few weeks. You are both in survival mode right now and have nothing left in the tank for each other. But he does need to understand that the physical and mental effects of childbirth are falling most heavily on you. It's easier to go to work and have times in the day when you can drink a cup of coffee than the relentless newborn care you are doing at home. Although he may feel torn having to leave and that morning kiss might be a really important ritual for him.

Instead of going over who did what and who was wrong, try to have empathy towards each other. I think it's fine to say 'I'm sorry, this is way tougher than I thought and I need your love and understanding whilst I get to grips with it all. I'm sure it's been harder than you thought too'. Name your complicated emotions together for what they are - disappointment? shock? sadness? then have a cry and a cuddle together and try to cut each other a bit more slack going forwards.

It gets better.

Oh no! Is he serious or was he just saying it? Or did he mean that he needs a break or that he can’t handle it?

Our baby is 18 months now and honestly I remember pregnancy being hard and snapping at my partner and actually feeling so bad - but at the end of the day I’m carrying a whole baby - my body is changing and I think he probably felt sorry for me more.

The first few months are hard. Whilst I agree with the PPs saying that he really needs to suck it up, understand that you are still recovering and things are hard all around, maybe try and have a chat about how your feeling and what’s going on under the surface.

To be fair, I don’t think we had the bandwidth for deep chats, but it’s needed every now and then. It may be the tone? Some people don’t like being talked down at or being patronised, so maybe look at communication styles .