Partner ended relationship. 5 week old baby

[Gettingonmynerves1]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago. My partner has been fantastic - really hands on, doing his fair share, assisting with my recovery, I honestly couldn’t love him more. He helped enormously as I required a c section in the end.

I won’t lie though, I have found the last 5 weeks incredibly tough, physically, mentally and emotionally. At one point I wondered if I had postnatal depression but I no longer think thats the case. I definitely have had a bit of anxiety which is starting to clear. Overall, I am starting to feel much better mentally, but I am exhausted and I am emotional. As such I have been snapping at my partner at times which is difficult as he is doing so much, working full time and taking care of us. I know I’ve been a bitch. I have apologised every time, explained that I am tired and hormonal, but unfortunately it’s got too much for him and he’s said enough is enough, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I am 100% sure that he’s not having an affair.

This stemmed from a conversation last night where I said I wanted to put the bins out and he said he would do it if I hold our son for 3 minutes. I explained that he can just put him down for 3 minutes, I snapped and said he never puts him down and as such it’s making it difficult for me to get ready in the morning when he’s not here. I also asked him the other night not to keep kissing our son first thing in the morning as it was waking him up and I was losing sleep.

I apologised but nothing. Help! He’s truly done

He did the world's most unforgivable thing he was born a man

It sounds like you both need to calm down.

It's this bit that got me... no excuse for that.

OK, 'ordering' him - Many women in here would leave the second someone ordered them to do anything! But fine.

Family issues. Fine.

But telling him you want to leave and his son can do better... no. That's basically telling him he's a bad dad and everything he's done for you means nothing.

I'm sorry OP, I've seen nothing in the above posts that even remotely suggests he's been anything short of amazing. He's left simply because he's been worn down.

Hormones are not a get out of jail free card.

You need to fix this.

It does sound as though you are both physically and emotionally exhausted resulting in both having a short fuse. Give him time, I am sure his was a knee-jerk reaction and I hope he comes around.
Congratulations on the new arrival.

Many congrats on your baby!

The first 6 weeks of a new baby are absolute hell. Even without a c-section. You get very little sleep. It naturally makes you both irritable. Be understanding and kind to each other. Every couple of their first newborn has been there.

Can you go for a walk in the fresh air and have a talk? If you both love the baby, why would you split up when he’s 5 weeks old over a row about the bins? There’ll be much bigger challenges to come. Parenting is very hard work.

Having said that, the challenges of newborns usually start to get better from the 6th week, though you’re likely to still be waking in the night for the first year, unless you’re very lucky.

He needs to understand you’re going through hormonal changes, having a 6 week bleed and recovering from pregnancy and a major operation. Plus (presumably) breastfeeding? Do you have any supoort when he’s at work from family or close friends? If not, it’s so important to try to sleep when the baby sleeps. Forget the housework other than essentials, e.g. making sure you’re eating nutritious meals and washing baby clothes.

Fathers should really to book leave for the first few weeks with the first baby, ideally parental leave of at least a month, so they don’t have to go to work and can focus on supporting and feeding their partner. If their partner gets irritable, they should understand.

On the point about him holding the baby too much, newborns like to be held and close. Have you considered a sling? It allows you to get things done without having the put the baby down. It also means they’re vertical, which can help with their digestion compared to lying on their back.

Very few replies are acknowledging that the partner seems to be doing everything, plus working full-time? You both sound immature and perhaps lacking the connection and strength that a longer relationship would have. But it sounds like you've been treating him really poorly. No excuse to walk after 5 weeks, but I don't think the partner is only one at fault here. The situation sounds utterly miserable with constant sniping.

It’s a massive change for both of you and everyone is tired, and stressed and emotional.

what is it about your family that is causing issues.
it quite a big deal to decide to end a relationship 5 weeks after having a new baby. Is this something that has been building.

if he is putting in a lot of effort with you and baby, then it’s quite a big jump to end the relationship. When you get the urge to snipe, count to 10 before you say anything. It helps.

give it some time and space, is there anyone who can watch baby for a few hours so you can talk?

Ive had a c section and it’s ok to put the bins out

Not advice you need to give out everyone's situation is different, I think putting the bins out is the least of ops issues right now and actually you should avoid lifting and so on. Obviously I haven't weighed anyone's bin bags so don't come for me but if there is someone else there then let them do it.

Please

I bet he has zero intention of trying to get full custody. If she's so terrible a grown ass man has to leave her 'abuse' he of course won't want to leave his five week old with her. I don't know any women who'd leave their babies with aggressive men. Loads of men seem to have no problems doing that when things aren't quite what they imagined though after a baby

So either he's nackered and said something stupid (forgivable) or he's a total piece of shit bailing on his family.

If he'd had major surgery and was on medication completely fucking his hormones she'd be told she was a bitch for leaving him after five weeks.

It's OK to put the baby down though for a few minutes to get something done. Baby will be fine..

You don't know the man, doesn't have to have been extreme at all.

Op ot sounds like he has to have things his way all the time. You've done nothing wrong asking him to stop waking the baby in the morning, and to put the baby down sometimes.

Just because he's hands on and helpful doesn't mean he's also right about everything.

And if you've been struggling to the point of thinking it's pnd, it doesn't sound like he's actually being understanding at all.

Do you have family to help support you?

Have you finished? Or is there more of this shit? 🙄

How is he just as tired as she is? Did he grow, carry and have a C section too?

Why can't he put the baby down AND take the bins out? The baby isn't going to explode if someone isn't holding them FFS.

YADNBU OP. If he can't hack it at this stage you're so much better off without this man.

I don't know what's happened to MN these days. I'm guessing it's been infiltrated by the menz.

Had you never been through tough, challenging things together as a couple before? For example, one of you having a sickness bug or needing surgery, one of you going through a difficult period in life, bereavement, work stress etc? I know it’s not the same, but you can usually tell what a partner is going to be like in times of stress before you have a baby with them? Have you ever been at all like this before, and how did he react?

Where does it say she 'ordered' him? She said she offered to put the bins out.

And how does her saying she felt like leaving and their son could do better reflect anything about him? 😳 She was talking about her.

You’ve had major abdominal surgery (I think some people see a C section as being a small operation), you’re hormonal, baby blues by the sounds of things and adjusting to life as a parent. For your dh ti throw the towel in after 5 weeks means something else is going on. It’s hard, we all know that, sounds like he’s been doing his best and so have you! It took me and my DH at least a year to get back into an even keel after our dd was born. 5 weeks is nothing and smacks that he’s looking for an excuse.

Take your time, maybe you could both take some time away from each other and calm down. Would he talk to someone with you?

Did the men’s rights activists come crawling out overnight?

Woman thou must not get snappy with a tired man, even though you have had major surgery and are an exhausted mess of hormones.

How are you today OP?

You’re obviously both completely exhausted. I expect that when he’s had a couple of days rest and sleep he’ll feel differently. It’s bank holiday weekend coming up.
Not to excuse his behaviour but think about how you will both deal with the stress if & when he does come back.

Fair is fair, Op.
Holding your baby for three minutes was a fair enough ask.

You are now in a position to do more child care so step up and be the main care giver if your husband is going out to work. You need to facilitate him getting good sleep every work night.
DH knows how hard parenting is and he is helpful so he will sympathise with you and assist if you ask - but stop asking so much now and nurture your relationship.

Hopefully his little strop will be over and you will be more considerate of each other, as partners not just parents.

This is a small blip to overcome in a long term relationship.

Misread the 'offered', my mistake.

And who would walk away without their baby? Either one is bad. If OP walks away, she's no better than DP, who is currently getting slammed for walking away, and if it was about walking away from DP with the son because he (son) can do better, then my point stands.

Either one is a veiled threat, and horrible.

The first six weeks or so are the absolute trenches. Only you know the strength of your relationship, but I'd hope this might just be something he's said out of acute stress, in a similar way to you having suggested it would be better if you walked out.

It sounds like he's been taking on more than he's able to cope with. Try and sit down or walk together and look at things that can be done to remove some of your collective stress. Ideally things that remove work for both of you, even if it's lowering your normal standards - e.g. one pot dinners so there's less washing up.

I would also try to let him get some more sleep by this point - I had a c-section and physical rest is definitely important but I think that's more about avoiding movements that exert you than sleep. If he's working full time and sleeping the least out of the two of you then that's going to be tough. Sleep deprivation is horrid for anyone but on mat leave you can simplify your day if you're feeling particularly bad - he won't have that option with work, and you both have to support that if his income is important.

Good luck to you both, OP - things change all the time with babies - it won't be this tough forever 💐

What have your family been doing?

thank you - I did get up that he's giving up on being a dad. But yes - I suffered from PND, a poorly baby who had surgery at 8 weeks, severe reflux for 6 months and on IC at 12 months. I've been shown the ropes, I begged, cried, snapped and had a total breakdown 24 months in. My DH stood by me and still is. Thank you

You put your body through pregnancy and birthed his child. Tiredness is part and parcel of having a newborn and it is crushing and draining and torture but a good man would not walk away from his relationship 5 weeks into having a baby. It is so incredibly misunderstood in western culture the emotional and physical impact of having a child for a woman. Your body moves mountains and your hormones are (naturally) all over the place. This idea that we should snap back into our “old” selves, not struggle, apologise for ourselves constantly and do everything to make a man’s life easier grinds my gears like nothing I can explain.

My advice is, let him go. My feeling is he will come back. But let him go and live with the knowledge that he has abandoned you and your child in a very vulnerable state. Be willing to have a serious conversation if/when he comes back about you not tolerating him throwing in the towel when things get difficult or slightly testing. Can you stay with family for a bit? Five weeks is very early days, especially recovering from a c-section and you deserve support and love.

OP this is a horrible situation. You say he’s been hands on etc which is exactly what a dad should be, and you’re obviously both in the newborn fog which can feel overwhelming and endless.

If you remove that, how committed were you both to the relationship before the baby? Was he only staying with you because of the baby, or was everything really great and the baby was planned and this was what you both wanted for your futures? I’m just trying to work out if the way you’re behaving towards him, and his threat to leave, are purely based on the last 5 weeks, or if having the baby has just exacerbated existing problems.

If you were both fully committed partners before the baby, you might be able to save it, but if not, the writing was already on the wall long ago. It doesn’t mean you won’t both be amazing parents, just maybe not together.

You should be coming up to your 6 week check with the GP. Tell them what is happening and why. I know you say you don’t think it’s PND etc, but for me when I had my baby I said that as long as my feelings weren’t impacting negatively on my life, it was ok. But yours are having an enormous negative impact on your life, so putting yourself forward for some support is not necessarily a bad thing.

She is 5 weeks post C section. Maybe you breezed through the first 6 weeks but for a lot of women they feel like they are going to literally die of lack of sleep and hormones and overwhelm. I definitely felt like running away at times.

Why are you judging her for that? Baby blues is a real thing.