Partner ended relationship. 5 week old baby

[Gettingonmynerves1]

I gave birth 5 weeks ago. My partner has been fantastic - really hands on, doing his fair share, assisting with my recovery, I honestly couldn’t love him more. He helped enormously as I required a c section in the end.

I won’t lie though, I have found the last 5 weeks incredibly tough, physically, mentally and emotionally. At one point I wondered if I had postnatal depression but I no longer think thats the case. I definitely have had a bit of anxiety which is starting to clear. Overall, I am starting to feel much better mentally, but I am exhausted and I am emotional. As such I have been snapping at my partner at times which is difficult as he is doing so much, working full time and taking care of us. I know I’ve been a bitch. I have apologised every time, explained that I am tired and hormonal, but unfortunately it’s got too much for him and he’s said enough is enough, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I am 100% sure that he’s not having an affair.

This stemmed from a conversation last night where I said I wanted to put the bins out and he said he would do it if I hold our son for 3 minutes. I explained that he can just put him down for 3 minutes, I snapped and said he never puts him down and as such it’s making it difficult for me to get ready in the morning when he’s not here. I also asked him the other night not to keep kissing our son first thing in the morning as it was waking him up and I was losing sleep.

I apologised but nothing. Help! He’s truly done

You are not selfish. This is what good partners do! Ive had severe PND for 2 years. DH did the majority of everything for the first year just to try and stop me from breaking. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! Hopefully he just needed a break and will come back later today. All the best. It's so hard at the moment but it does get easier each month that passes.

If he is leaving you or threatening to leave you 5 weeks after you’ve had a baby because life isn’t easy right now and you’ve been a bit mean to him, he’s not it OP. That is not the guy. What about if your baby gets seriously ill? What about when one of you loses a parent? Loses a job? What if you go through pregnancy loss in the future? One of you gets cancer? Life is hard, shit happens and what you don’t need from a life partner is someone so self absorbed that they up sticks and leave because they can’t handle the tough bits.

Baby blues may be an excuse for how you feel it should never be an excuse on how you trreat people

If a man treats a woman badly they are told to leave and there are red flags and some weird grey rock thing and call the police and take the children and go to your parents

When a woman does it then it's baby blues, ppnd, hormones anxiety, mood swings

wow what happened to this being a site for women? A feminist site?

mum snaps at dad with 5 week baby - hold the front page!

I am in a happy marrriage - the things me and DH said to each other in the first few months were sometimes ludicrous/ harsh/ tired nonsense!! we were vile at 4am to each other at some moments - that's life!

ask any couple;

It's grotesque for anyone to come here and add stress and pressure to an exhausted post partum mum whose pathetic partner has walked out on her.

Totally agree with this. As expected the LTB crew came running with their placards and pitch forks

I’m just wondering why do you have to get ready in the morning? Your five weeks post partum - what are you getting ready for?

I didn’t say anything horrible to my partner and I did everything myself because he claimed he was depressed.

Not every couple fights.

The worst I have said when I was really struggling was that I wanted to walk away and not come back as baby boy can do better. I immediately regretted it and just had post baby blues.

If he has ever used that against you, he’s an even bigger cunt than he already appears.

ODFOD. I seriously doubt the father is as tired as the mother 5 weeks after birth. Would he have had abdominal surgery at the same time? Would he be lactating? Would he still potentially have lochia? Come on….

It is impossible to give you any advice because we don’t know why he made the decision he made.

If he has walked out on a whim as a result of an argument, then he might be back when he calms down. He might not. Even if he does come back this will most likely recur. And it sounds as though you may be similarly inclined to see walking out as a solution. Is there a pattern of this for either or both of you? It is important that you face up to it may not just be a hormonal or situational problem. This could be a behaviour problem. Which is harder to recognise and even harder to change.

It could well be the decision isn’t a whim. He may not want to be your life partner and has been staying because of the pregnancy and baby.

At some point you are going to have to speak to him about the future of your relationship and how you interact as parents. The priority has to be the baby not your romantic relationship. If he really doesn’t want to be involved with you, the romantic relationship will never work. That might be a painful thing you need to face up to.

You should also be putting in place boundaries with your family. Even if he is a wrongun they need to respect your autonomy and wishes in how you manage him.

@Comtesse she literally says she is getting more sleep than him, sounds like he's doing everything, plus working, and being criticised and sniped at constantly on top. I doubt she's breastfeeding if she's getting more sleep than him. At 5 weeks the PP needs to be getting a handle on things, or if she has PND she needs to be getting herself help. Sounds like we're only getting part of the story. If people recognise they're being awful, their awfulness is usually worse than they realise.

hHe's most likely not done. He's just as tired and overwhelmed as you. Good Lord that 1st baby is hard! Anxiety and learning to cope with no sleep.
If he is done then that's on him. I don't think you've done anything out of the ordinary, infact it sounds like a tiff we've all had with our partners. Stop apologising to him now.

Torn a bit TBH

You’ve been through a really hard birth, are hormonal, exhausted and possible post-natal depression, whether you know it or not.

On the other hand, if I’m honest it doesn’t sound like you’ve been ‘a bit snappy’ it sounds like you’ve been attacking him relentlessly, snapping at him for not wanting to put the baby down? Telling him off for kissing the baby? That’s a bit much. And as you say yourself, it’s constant. I imagine he feels constantly attacked, and possibly like you resent him loving the baby, or given the fact you didn’t want to hold him, even that you may not want the baby?

I am NOT saying you’re wrong, I think your both in ‘The dog days’. Exhausted, stressed and in your case, possibly PND.

hopefully it was an explosive snap and you can both calm down and move
forward. A bit of counselling for you both
could help, or a relative stating a day or two to just let the pressure off?

good luck, your babys lucky to have two parents who love him and who fight over doing chores!! (Both insisting on doing the bins 😂)

In the week or two after my eldest was born if someone appeared at the door and offered to take him away and we would never mention it ever again I would have taken them up on it. This is what I keep in mind to remember how hard those early weeks were and what the balance of my mind was. As it is he's nearly 18 now, a cracking human and I'm dreading him leaving for uni.

I have almost zero temper yet launched a bottle of (hours to pump an oz) breastmilk across the kitchen covering my poor dh as I was so over the top about germs and I dropped a small lid in the wide neck bottle and contaminated it. I was a real dick but I was struggling and he accepted that was how it would be for a while.

Being a new Mum is hard, and sure being a first time Dad is tough too but it doesn't come close. You need someone in your corner not someone threatening to leave 5 weeks in.

You need to stop grovelling/apologising for acting like a woman who has just gone through major surgery, and he needs to grow up. If he can't hack it after 5 weeks, he's a wimp, he's certainly not a man. Guess what, parenting gets harder not easier and unfortunately if he does stay, you will be forever walking on eggshells waiting for him to decide that its too much for him again. Regardless of what he chooses to do, that would be a deal breaker for me.

So a woman can act however they want and a man has to put up with it? that is not feminism it is abuse

I don’t think that was the message - just to get a full contextual picture.

is it something that he said in the heat of the moment maybe? the first month or 2 after having a first baby are so, so hard on the mum with all the hormones especially i imagine after surgery. I expect everyone will be telling him to take a breather and then give the relationship another go.

if he really gives up this easily he’s pretty weak and pathetic tbh.

What a weak, pathetic wet wipe of a man. Sounds like you'd be better off without him. How long were you together before having the baby?

He’s a father now, doesn’t just get to throw the towel in after 5 weeks! Maybe if he really wants to go he could take baby with him, I’m sure we all know the answer to that. He needs to grow the Fck up

Truly, truly pathetic. Did he have no idea how hard being a couple with a tiny baby was?

We were in turmoil the first 6 months, we said a lot of things, had a lot of arguements, both said we were leaving and here we are 12 years later.. and we did it again and have 2 x dc, we had little support from family. It is so hard with the sleep deprivation, hormones etc. Hang jn there OP, things said in that state of extreme stress and tiredness are not meant.
They use sleep deprivation as mental torture, so neither of you are in the right headspace right now.
And as to the poster above who said, did he have nonjdea hoe hard it was looking after a tiny baby, we didn't. I definitely didn't, I had no experience of even holding a baby before I had one as I actively avoided anything to do with babies, children and we had none in the family, so I had zero idea of what it was like, and husband was exactly the same. and it hit us like a brick wall at 1000 miles and hour. Complete shock rabbits in the headlights, confused, tired, stressed and completely overwhelmed. We werent young either, at 31 and 40, but had literally no idea what it would be like.

Did any of us?

Not at all, it's just saying that the first months are incredibly hard on both parents, and people can and do say crazy things to each other in their sleep-deprived, anxious and stressed state. Strangers having a go at them is not going to help.

This. You are 5weeks PP and he’s walked away? What a tosser.