Page 6 | Would your partner have an opinion on your choice of underwear

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 2025-05-01T10:30:51+00:00

Feel like im going insane on this topic of underwear choice with my dh. I wore a thong yesterday so i wouldnt have a knicker line and sometimes embarassingly they make me feel a bit more nicer about myself. But my dh thinks women wear thongs to gain other male attention. The point he tried to make to me yesterday was that my trousers (which were dark green linen wide leg trousers) gathered round my bum at times because i was wearing a thong and that suggested i wore a thong because i wanted this effect to impress other males essentially. I feel like im having to lower myself to explain that i just felt like wearing one with those trousers because it felt nice and as stupid as it sounds, it felt a bit more breezy in the hot sunshine wearing a thong with the throusers. It wasnt done for attention of other men but this is the type of crap said to me and i feel like i can never justify dressing up nice or wearing certain underwear because it suggests im wanting other men to check me out basically. When i explain im dressing up for myself or to impress him it falls on deaf ears.... When i say i was dressed nice yesterday i was wearing a black tshirt and khaki wide leg linen trousers and flip flops... im not out in tight skimpy clothes with loads of skin or my body on show. I feel like i cant get this through to him. That my choice of underwear shouldnt suggest im doing it for other men to look at me. Is this a normal thing?? Would your partner look at it that a thong is meant to be worn because youre trying to be sexual etc Is it normal that he thinks in this context? I dont understand why theres an issue that sometimes i like to wear one. Feel like im even trying to justify this to myself now because prehaps hes right that it looks like im trying to be sexual or something??? But if that was the case id be wearing skimpy tight clothing etc... i purposely dont because of issues like this

QueenCremant · 01/05/2025 22:35

Oh lovely, it gets worse the more you post. I know it must be hard to hear but as others have said, this is abusive behaviour.
The sulking and insults are not the actions of someone who loves you for who you are. He only loves you if you behave how he wants you to behave.

Do you have friends or family that you can talk to? You need to think about leaving him as your self esteem will get worse

DaisyPoppy7 · 01/05/2025 22:49

This is so sad. You just sound so fed up! It is not normal behaviour to have your DH speak to you as though you are out and about being disloyal!

You must be walking on eggshells wondering what else?! If wearing a thong under trousers is “asking for it” in his mind. I’m angry for you.

You sound so lovely. I hope you can have a deep conversation about how his comments make you feel, and how beneficial to your relationship him working on his self-esteem and trust in you would be.

Original poster

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 01/05/2025 23:13

DaisyPoppy7 · 01/05/2025 22:49

This is so sad. You just sound so fed up! It is not normal behaviour to have your DH speak to you as though you are out and about being disloyal!

You must be walking on eggshells wondering what else?! If wearing a thong under trousers is “asking for it” in his mind. I’m angry for you.

You sound so lovely. I hope you can have a deep conversation about how his comments make you feel, and how beneficial to your relationship him working on his self-esteem and trust in you would be.

@DaisyPoppy7 ive tried and tried to explain how i think hes being over the top and that im not doing anything wrong and im certsinly not interested in dressing or looking pretty for other men. The more i defend myself the more im told that im not caring about how he feels or the paranoia im putting him through and that this all stems from me and i made him this way because if i cared then id understnd that im hurting him because he feels like he cant trust me 😭 i cannot win. I had to walk away and cry in the bathroom about it because he genuinely thinks im the issue that i give the come on for men to look at me. No he does not see all the things yous are saying to me and the more i suggest hes out of line the more pissed off im making it. Hes saying im always trying to make out hes the issue when i tell him its not normal how he thinks towards me. So ive come away from the conversation still taking the blame tonight and sitting in tears on my bathroom floor. All because i love a man who cant actually accept i only love him im so tired of this

OP posts:

notsureyetcertain · 02/05/2025 05:13

I’m sure my dh would love it if I wore sexy underwear but I don’t and he doesn’t get a say nor do I dictate the underwear he wears.
tbh I don’t think either of use would have a clue what underwear the othe had on on any given day

QueenCremant · 02/05/2025 07:10

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 01/05/2025 23:13

@DaisyPoppy7 ive tried and tried to explain how i think hes being over the top and that im not doing anything wrong and im certsinly not interested in dressing or looking pretty for other men. The more i defend myself the more im told that im not caring about how he feels or the paranoia im putting him through and that this all stems from me and i made him this way because if i cared then id understnd that im hurting him because he feels like he cant trust me 😭 i cannot win. I had to walk away and cry in the bathroom about it because he genuinely thinks im the issue that i give the come on for men to look at me. No he does not see all the things yous are saying to me and the more i suggest hes out of line the more pissed off im making it. Hes saying im always trying to make out hes the issue when i tell him its not normal how he thinks towards me. So ive come away from the conversation still taking the blame tonight and sitting in tears on my bathroom floor. All because i love a man who cant actually accept i only love him im so tired of this

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Please read this www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/what-is-abuse/

BlooBear · 02/05/2025 07:22

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 01/05/2025 14:40

So basically how my dh has been going on all these years isnt normal then and no one else has this issue within their relationship 😪
I think the other thing that makes it worse is that any of his insecurities are blamed on me or my attitude. For example me speaking to another man in a polite way or with a smile sets him off, im told im disrecptful, that when youre nice to other men youre giving them the come on essentially or that theres trouble in your relationship. I admit i am a people pleaser from childhood and do worry about how others see me and lack confidence so i do prehaps be a bit ott with the politeness but im also the same with women. Im not flirting with these men and they certainly arent flirting with me either. But my dh would see it that im being nice to this man because i have an attraction to him rather than im just being polite.
Ive never cheated on my partner but ive broke boundaries at times if he asks me to ignore an ex for example. I cant do that, if someone says hi to me i will acknowledge them back and it has created a lot of trust issues for him he says, because he thinks i still fancy these people or some immature thinking like that. I feel like i cant have a conversation with the opposite sex without serious backlash. And he claims ive broke his trust grounds because i cant "ignore" other men so there must be a want in me for their attebtion rather than his.

Hes brought all that up as well all because i wore a ceratin type of underwear so it leaves me feeling like ive no come bsck to argue my side. I feel like he just looks at me as if im some sort of man hungry woman who cant be trusted and its really getting to me because im so loyal to him. Id never betray him but theres so many issues involving men i feel like im losing my mind. Id understand if i had ever cheated on him etc but thats never happened. I just want to be comfortable in my marriage and for my husband to feel safe that hes the only man i love

He’s a controlling asshole @Aintallsunshineandrainbows
This behaviour is not normal.

And you need to start wearing shorts & summer dresses.

And leave him. His insecurities are not your problem.

HelenHywater · 02/05/2025 07:46

Well this isn't coming from a place of insecurity, it's coming from a place of control.

Your stress and anxiety is a sign of the control he's putting you under, the abuse you feel. And abuse often starts, or ramps up, when you have children. It would be more than awful if he involved the children in the thong conversation.

I don't know how old they are, but even if you can't end this relationship for yourself, you should think of the impact this will have on them growing up.

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 08:12

You poor woman.
You are in a hugely controlling abusive relationship.

He is using Coercive control to stop you doing things.
This is a crime now.

Look up Coercive control and educate yourself.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.

This is a bad man.
You need to reach out to Domestic abuse organisations.

This is not about underwear.
This is about his control of you.

Walk into any police station and ask to speak to the officer who deals with Domestic abuse/Coercive control and you might be very surprised at how seriously this is taken.

Talk to family and friends, tell the the truth.

You are an abused controlled woman.

OrangeCrushes · 02/05/2025 08:18

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 01/05/2025 23:13

@DaisyPoppy7 ive tried and tried to explain how i think hes being over the top and that im not doing anything wrong and im certsinly not interested in dressing or looking pretty for other men. The more i defend myself the more im told that im not caring about how he feels or the paranoia im putting him through and that this all stems from me and i made him this way because if i cared then id understnd that im hurting him because he feels like he cant trust me 😭 i cannot win. I had to walk away and cry in the bathroom about it because he genuinely thinks im the issue that i give the come on for men to look at me. No he does not see all the things yous are saying to me and the more i suggest hes out of line the more pissed off im making it. Hes saying im always trying to make out hes the issue when i tell him its not normal how he thinks towards me. So ive come away from the conversation still taking the blame tonight and sitting in tears on my bathroom floor. All because i love a man who cant actually accept i only love him im so tired of this

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You cannot reason with a coercive controller.

I had to leave mine. First, I spent many years trying to explain to him how he was unreasonable and hurting me.

It took me a long time to get to a place where I was able to accept that he was the problem, he would never change, and I had to leave. My life is so much better now.

mulberrybag · 02/05/2025 08:37

Your line “sometimes embarrassingly they make me feel a bit nicer about myself” is so sad.
Why the actual hell should you feel embarrassed about wearing something that makes you feel nice ?!
Why are you allowing your one precious life to be all about putting someone else’s wants/needs/ridiculous rules above your own ?
Please get some therapy and find your way to leave, this is no life!

Netcam · 02/05/2025 08:51

That's totally weird to be that insecure after 20 years.

I think my DH would love it if I was wearing a thong that was 'riding my ass hole' and he could see it, but like you I go for granny knickers or boy shorts.

He loves me wearing tight leggings with a shortish t-shirt which I mainly wear for exercise or gardening. At 55 I don't really like showing that much of my body to the rest of the world but DH thinks it would be fine.

amooseymoomum · 02/05/2025 08:52

nothing to do with him. least mine says wear whats comfortable and being plus sized I prefer me old granny big pants.
if you can cope with thongs fair enough i would say best choice for your outfit
he should mind his own business
whatever he wears say you do not like it and hes only doing it to show off to ladies

rubberduck68 · 02/05/2025 10:27

The bathroom floor, hello old friend: the gaslit partner's landing pad. I'm so sorry you ended up there last night. His jealous attacks are fuelled either by his own insecurities, or he is cheating and deflecting that onto you (this is quite a big thing, cheaters often accuse their partners), either way, he is making you miserable, not the other way around, and then when you call him out on it gives the silent treatment. What men like this respect is action; words don't cut it. I'd pack him a bag and leave it by the front door. Tell him if he doesn't trust you, he should leave. Watch that one unravel. He deserves nothing better tbh. What an absolute bully. I've been there btw, it never gets any better.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/05/2025 10:28

I feel really sad for you op. He’s really done a number on you and conditioned you to feel this way.

please seek help. I think I’ve your eyes have been opened, his other behaviours may also start to be questioned by you.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/05/2025 14:22

Aintallsunshineandrainbows · 01/05/2025 22:05

So going by all the comments my intution is in fact right, that this isnt normal loving behaviour within a relationship.
We are together from 17 so his trust issues havent come from an ex, he says they come from me because "i cant stop over stepping boundaries by being friendly to other males" a harmless conversation is seen as flirting. Ive been told many times wives dont behave like that and this is why im so baffled because im not flirting, any conversation with the oppsite sex means i want him to fancy me or the other excuse im told is that i do it on purpose to wind him up. That im abusive because hes asked me to stop doing things hes uncomfortable with but i keep doing them to upset him on purpose. Therefore i am abusing him because hes set out the things hes uncomfortable with and i cant follow them. Im left feeling like the bad person all the time and questioning myself and how was i acting round a certain person, im even questioning now about getting rid of thongs to show him hes wrong about me.
Ive never cheated, i dont dress promiscuosly im NOT flirting with other men ive been incredibly loyal to him.

To people who have asked yes we have children together.
And no he doesnt and hadnt specifically told me i cant go out but if i do i face shitty times with him, sulking, silent treatment or policed on with questions and then insulted or insults my friends to me that i have found its just better not to go. He makes it difficult is probsblt how i shouldve said it thsn saying i cant go out with friends, i made the choice not to because it just wasnt worth the bs for days afterwards.

Hes still keeping it up at the min about the underwear and his line to say to me this evening was should our kids not get to have a say if im showing up to school like that embarassing them. Im just morified at this comment because if youd seen what i was wearing you would think its crazy for him to suggest i was embarrasing my children. This is his second time to use this on me because last time was last summer because i wore a pair of shorts to collect the kids from school again a very hot humid day. Just normal baggy grey shorts that probably came up about 2 inches above my knee and i was made feel disgraceful for wearing them to the school run. He speaks to me like im dressed for a sex show which again i could orehaps understand if i was wearing hot pants with my ass cheeks hanging out.

Its upsetting because its fine for me to wear stuff like that at home or be as revealing as i like at home but outside out the home im for his eyes and his eyes only. I would be mortified if another man did check me out because id be told its my fault, i bent over a certain way or what i was wearing. It would all be blamed on me that i then question my actions and things i done so much that i come to the conclusion he must be right. That if im not interested in other men then why do i feel the need to be nice or open my mouth at all to them. These are the things i end up telling myself when he says all these things. I wish i could explain to you how he says things and his tone and how i then come away questioning myself and feeling like im an untrustworthy tramp even though deep down ive done nothing to warrant this.

It didnt start straight off the bat either, it was probably about 5- 6 yrears in before i seen he was very insecure about me and any contact i had with other men wether it was work or outside of work. At first i stupidly thought and told myself all these years he really loves me and just is afriad of losing me to someone else. But over the last while since hsving kids and how its escalated it doesnt feel like it comes from a place of love anymore. He has actially made me feel like ive cheated on him or im a real flirty woman with men. I dont even have the confidence to chat a man up, i actually lack so much self esteen that im not capable of the things he suggests or insults me about.

Im so stressed over it all. And made to feel im to blame.

Yes OP, your intuition is right, this is not normal loving behaviour.

In 20 years the only time I've expressed an opinion over DP's clothing other than "You look lovely" is to tell her that she's got a dirty mark down it (which is depressingly common, I love the woman but christ she's a messy eater.

I've never once told her who she can and can't talk to, she has friends who are ex boyfriends (as do I).

I have gotten jealous about her and another man precisely once in our entire relationship, because I was worried that she was careening headlong and completely obliviously into an emotional affair. We talked about it, calmly. She admitted that yes, maybe things had gotten a bit out of hand, and stopped talking to the bloke. We talked about what was missing in our relationship that might have led to this, and tried to fix that.

In short, I have never once noticed she was wearing a thong and thought anything other than "Yay, thong!"

TwentyKittens · 02/05/2025 14:34

Carpetty · 02/05/2025 08:12

You poor woman.
You are in a hugely controlling abusive relationship.

He is using Coercive control to stop you doing things.
This is a crime now.

Look up Coercive control and educate yourself.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.

This is a bad man.
You need to reach out to Domestic abuse organisations.

This is not about underwear.
This is about his control of you.

Walk into any police station and ask to speak to the officer who deals with Domestic abuse/Coercive control and you might be very surprised at how seriously this is taken.

Talk to family and friends, tell the the truth.

You are an abused controlled woman.

Exactly this, OP.

Your husband's behaviour is abusive, and since you've been with him since you were 17, you know no other way.

I hope eventually you're able to overcome this and leave him.

User2025meow · 02/05/2025 16:35

OP, this man is dangerous to your emotion wellbeing. I hope you can come to realize it. It’s coercive control, which is against the law. Get some therapy, raise your self-esteem and prepare to leave in the near future. There is a better life out there. Sadly this story is all too common.

Netcam · 02/05/2025 19:24

I just asked DH how he would feel if I wore what you were wearing, he said 'I wouldn't care if other people can see it as long as I can'.

I agree with others here, this sounds like a very difficult relationship with someone who is causing you misery. I would be considering my options.

Topjoe19 · 02/05/2025 20:12

I'd wear a thong every day! What would happen if you told him to f off?

My DH has never once commented on my underwear other than to say he couldn't care less what I'm wearing as all he cares about it what's underneath it.

My awful ex used to make me feel crap if I didn't wear matching underwear. Some men are so bloody shitty!!

Chickenwing2 · 02/05/2025 21:13

I wear thongs every day because they are more comfortable to me than pants (which fall down on me). My husband has never once given an opinion on this, my underwear choice doesn’t affect him.