Would your partner have an opinion on your choice of underwear

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

Feel like im going insane on this topic of underwear choice with my dh.
I wore a thong yesterday so i wouldnt have a knicker line and sometimes embarassingly they make me feel a bit more nicer about myself. But my dh thinks women wear thongs to gain other male attention.
The point he tried to make to me yesterday was that my trousers (which were dark green linen wide leg trousers) gathered round my bum at times because i was wearing a thong and that suggested i wore a thong because i wanted this effect to impress other males essentially.
I feel like im having to lower myself to explain that i just felt like wearing one with those trousers because it felt nice and as stupid as it sounds, it felt a bit more breezy in the hot sunshine wearing a thong with the throusers. It wasnt done for attention of other men but this is the type of crap said to me and i feel like i can never justify dressing up nice or wearing certain underwear because it suggests im wanting other men to check me out basically. When i explain im dressing up for myself or to impress him it falls on deaf ears....
When i say i was dressed nice yesterday i was wearing a black tshirt and khaki wide leg linen trousers and flip flops... im not out in tight skimpy clothes with loads of skin or my body on show.
I feel like i cant get this through to him. That my choice of underwear shouldnt suggest im doing it for other men to look at me.

Is this a normal thing?? Would your partner look at it that a thong is meant to be worn because youre trying to be sexual etc
Is it normal that he thinks in this context? I dont understand why theres an issue that sometimes i like to wear one. Feel like im even trying to justify this to myself now because prehaps hes right that it looks like im trying to be sexual or something??? But if that was the case id be wearing skimpy tight clothing etc... i purposely dont because of issues like this

Will that change the op's husband from stopping her from going out socially and calling her too untrustworthy to do so?

My partner's opinion on my underwear is limited to a very rare observation like 'They're nice' if he notices I'm wearing a significantly more glamorous pair of knickers than usual.

He would never, ever in a million years accuse me of dressing to 'to attract other men', regardless of what I wore, and certainly not because of my underwear.

I'll honest: your partner sounds like an paranoid, controlling arsehole and a nasty piece of work who mostly makes you unhappy.

Your husband's attitude isn't normal and most certainly doesn't reflect men in general. My husband wouldn't give two hoots what underwear I wore to be honest. I don't wear thongs, I find them very uncomfortable, and would only wear one if I knew it wouldn't be staying on for long! Your husband is very insecure, and it's his insecurities that are talking, because he's not thinking logically. You shouldn't have to justify your underwear choice to him. Ultimately all you can do is reassure him, but unfortunately you can't change his mindset. Have you asked him why he's feeling so insecure?

Sometimes not always though. Sometimes they’ve been badly hurt from a cheating ex and they take out their new insecurities on the next woman as happened to me. He only had eyes for me, would constantly compliment me but lost the plot if I had to go away for work. Wouldn’t believe that I had no choice but to go. Got cross if I received messages on a work group WhatsApp and hated even me having work men in for repairs (we lived apart). Was convinced I was looking for another man when not with him which is hilarious as I’m amazed I even got a BF as I’m so introverted, quiet and always dress modestly and a bit of a homebody. Doesn’t matter how many times I reassured him which was also crazy as he was frankly the most handsome guy I’d ever dated or likely will again, but it’s very tiring and very belittling to be accused of nonsense literally non stop so unfortunately for me I had to end it.

OP, you are a victim of coercive control.

The men I've dated who wanted me to wear "sexy" lingerie in the bedroom were mostly idiots. The best men in my life have not cared what I wear, they were more interested in just getting it off!

I’m sorry to say this but I think your husband is a disgusting and controlling pig.

Any partner who holds and expresses these views is abusive IMO.

My partner would never ever say anything like this and only wants me to be happy and comfortable in how I look and what I wear.

He’s really done a number on you because you’ve spent so much time adapting to placate his awful views.

DH has hidden my big pants to encourage me to wear the sexier pants lurking in the back of my knicker drawer!! He thinks he’s hilarious and is refusing to return them🙄

Mine doesn’t care really but if he likes my pants he’ll say it. Other than that he couldn’t give less of a shit if they are thongs, granny scants, boy shorts etc. As long as he can grab my arse he’s quite happy.

You actually love a man who has such a contemptuous attitude and low opinion of your morals, and who thinks you are deliberately dressing provocatively to get the attention of other men because you want them to lech over you?

And he doesn't like that because in his opinion your body belongs to him, so nobody else is allowed to look, and he thinks you are disrespecting him by not dressing in clothes he approves of?

Fucking hell.

Very sad to hear this. He won't change so talking about it won't do anything and he will just make you dance to his tune.

I wonder if you have thought about how freeing it would be to live away from him?

Glad you got away from that nightmare. It's quite possible that he didn't have a cheating ex though (or that the 'cheating' was being friends with a guy). Abusers often have a sob story to explain why they just have to have everything on their terms.

The thing is, he's judging everyone else by his own objectification of women. I wouldn't even notice if a woman was wearing a thong, because a) I wouldn't be staring at her arse that closely, and b) it wouldn't even be in my thought process to analyse her panty line. Believe it or not, majority of men are probably completely oblivious to the shape of your underwear underneath your other layers. So you should turn it around and call out your dp's perverted, degrading behaviour. And keep wearing whatever underwear you want.

No i dont go out with friends etc i learned a long time ago that i cant be trusted to do that either

OP, this is really worrying. Stopping you from seeing friends is controlling, abusive behaviour on his part.

DH has never said anything about my granny pants, I do insist on talking about them sometimes but he just nods along. Very strange and controlling imo.

He’s a sexist pig. He thinks that women only wear knickers in order to please men. Not because we wear the underwear that we bloody well want.

Plus he is telling you that he is looking at other women’s bottoms and noticing what kind of underwear they are wearing underneath.

🤮

This is abusive and controlling. You need to LTB. A grown woman should be able to decide what she does with her own time.

That is such an odd conclusion to jump to from your OH? If those were his views surely he’d tell you your arse looked nice that day?

OP, I have only read your posts and not any responses so apologies if I’m repeating what others say.

His behaviour is not right and it is controlling. He is deeply insecure. I have been there and got the T-shirt. You end up a shell of yourself because you don’t want to piss him off. You stop wearing the thong and the nice clothes. You stop going out as you get questioned who you talk to. You get accused of fancying other men when you’ve barely noticed them. You end up questioning yourself and feeling guilty for something you haven’t done. Or you change your behaviour to appease him.

The question is where do you go from here? You now know that this is controlling behaviour. Maybe with counselling he can change if he recognises his behaviour is a problem. But it’s most likely that you will need to put up and shut up or leave him.

You love him but I implore you to love yourself more.

Nope. That’s his problem, isn’t it? And it’s nothing to do with her underwear.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Please contact Women's Aid to discuss all the things he says and does, and how you've changed your behaviour to appease him/'keep the peace'. It must be so stressful having walked on eggshells for 20 years.

Do you have any children? How does he treat them?

Jesus, what a knuckledragger. It must be fun living with someone who enjoys such "hilarious" japes.

And you can't wear dresses or shorts!
How have you put up with this abuse for 20 years. Is he older than you.

This would be a massive red flag for me OP.

Trying to dictate what type of underwear you wear “so other men won’t look at you” ?!!???

He sounds extremely insecure and behaviour like this is often the start of exerting further control over a partner.
Whats next? Not allowed to wear shorts in the summer because men might see your legs? Not allowed to wear makeup?

My standard style of underwear is a Calvin Klein thong. The kind with the thick elastic waistband. If I want to avoid a visible knicker line, I wear their smaller g-string style. My DH tends to stand there and stare at my bum when I’ve got them on rather than imply I’m trying to entice other men 🤨🫠🫠🫠🫠