Would your partner have an opinion on your choice of underwear

[Aintallsunshineandrainbows]

Feel like im going insane on this topic of underwear choice with my dh.
I wore a thong yesterday so i wouldnt have a knicker line and sometimes embarassingly they make me feel a bit more nicer about myself. But my dh thinks women wear thongs to gain other male attention.
The point he tried to make to me yesterday was that my trousers (which were dark green linen wide leg trousers) gathered round my bum at times because i was wearing a thong and that suggested i wore a thong because i wanted this effect to impress other males essentially.
I feel like im having to lower myself to explain that i just felt like wearing one with those trousers because it felt nice and as stupid as it sounds, it felt a bit more breezy in the hot sunshine wearing a thong with the throusers. It wasnt done for attention of other men but this is the type of crap said to me and i feel like i can never justify dressing up nice or wearing certain underwear because it suggests im wanting other men to check me out basically. When i explain im dressing up for myself or to impress him it falls on deaf ears....
When i say i was dressed nice yesterday i was wearing a black tshirt and khaki wide leg linen trousers and flip flops... im not out in tight skimpy clothes with loads of skin or my body on show.
I feel like i cant get this through to him. That my choice of underwear shouldnt suggest im doing it for other men to look at me.

Is this a normal thing?? Would your partner look at it that a thong is meant to be worn because youre trying to be sexual etc
Is it normal that he thinks in this context? I dont understand why theres an issue that sometimes i like to wear one. Feel like im even trying to justify this to myself now because prehaps hes right that it looks like im trying to be sexual or something??? But if that was the case id be wearing skimpy tight clothing etc... i purposely dont because of issues like this

@Aintallsunshineandrainbows I feel for you being so restricted in what you am wear. It isn’t normal.
I brought a few new dresses and gave my partner a little fashion show as I was excited with my purchases. By the evening he suggested we go to the races as it’s an excuse to wear my new dresses. They were long fitted summer dresses with strappy sleeves. I think he was happy with how I looked, he isn’t one to give big compliments but he was smiling and gave my bum
a cheeky tap.

I think this is probably it.

I would assume he has been eyeing up other women's bums and deciding what underwear they have on. This is not an attractive characteristic. He is assuming he knows your motivation better than you do, even in the face of you explaining your rationale. Another unattractive characteristic. He assumes other men are as pervy as him. Also unattractive.
You are now considering throwing out your underwear to satisfy his jealousy and insecurity. This is giving him the control over how you dress. Do you want to live like that?

Edit to add: I missed the post about you no longer going out with friends because he doesn't trust you. You know how bad this is, right? Ducks in a row time.

This. I mean, whatever underwear I have on, the only people who are going to see it are me and DH so why on earth would he be bothered?! The opposite actually. If I put nice underwear on to go out he loves it!

Not being trusted to go out with friends is absolutely not normal, and you must take action. This sounds like emotional abuse. You deserve complete respect from your partner and so much more than this. Do not allow him to isolate you from friends (I appreciate it’s hard when it happens gradually).

Message a friend and take time to focus on yourself while deciding if this relationship can change enough to make you happy.

Share your concerns with him and how his actions make you feel. You will see from his reaction whether he is willing to work on himself.

I must admit I got halfway down your opening post and scrolled back to check whether you were actually married to this loser

Gently, OP, if you're not allowed to go out with friends, and have to ignore exes on the street then your pants are the least of your problems

Your partner is a misogynist control freak who is projecting what he does onto all other men.

He wants to dictate how you dress down to your underwear and polices and criticizes your interactions with men. He's the one checking out women so closely as to determine what underwear they're wearing.

This is not normal. You're never going to be safe or comfortable because you're in a relationship with a partner so controlling that he's abusive. There's an analogy of abuse is like a box and the abusive partner keeps making the box smaller and smaller.

So you can't smile or chat to other men.
You can't go out on your own with friends.
You can't wear underwear of your preference.
This is not a normal loving relationship built on trust.

Agree with this! No, my dh doesn't comment if I wear a thong, or big pants, or frankly, no pants. This is about way more than your knicker choice, he is massively insecure and controlling you as a result of it. You will never "fix" this, by throwing away underwear. He needs to fix himself. He can start by recognising that he has a problem. Do you think he could do that op?

He sees you as his belonging and he is threatened other men might take what is his.

Tells you not only about how he sees you but also how he looks at other women and in general the status of women.

Things like this always make realise how easy it is for women’s lives in Iran to change so quickly to such oppression. Lots of men would go along with that kind of shit given half the chance .

I'm like you OP and only wear thongs, unless on period then period pants. I hate when I have to wear those though as they show through most clothes that aren't even that skin tight and cause what I call "double cheek" on each side of my arse. I'd not put anyone through that daily just so that my husband could feel happy that I wasn't sexy enough to pull because I might leave him for being a giant knob.

Um.... What? You can't go out with your friends?

Oh dear OP... There are far bigger problems at play here than what underwear you have got on.

i must be doing it for other men to oggle what is his

What is his?

He doesn't own you. He doesn't own your body No-one does.

You choose to be in a monogamous relationship with him. End of.

Yeah this. I don't think there is a heterosexual bloke out there who doesn't love it when their wife / partner wears nice underwear / tight jeans / low cut dress so they can admire them. Nothing wrong with that!!!

Likewise my DH was some boxers that fit his arse amazingly and I always have a little (big) perve when he walks out of the bathroom in them after a shower.

But no, not once has he ever told me what I should / shouldn't wear and vice versa.

But reading the OPs further posts, it sounds like this is all part of a massive controlling / abusive relationship....

Agreed. Also about other clothes too. I have a few things that I know my husband isn't keen on, just personal taste. But he would never in a million years tell me not to wear them!

I wonder what he'd do if you just carried on living your one good life without his rules? Domestic violence is the next step.

He suffers from jealous, insecure, possessive, controlling man disease.

A disease for which there appears to no cure.

A disease that causes their partner significantly more suffering, stress, lower quality of life, restricted life etc.

You started a thread about him going on about you daring to wear a thong under trousers to get a bit of air around your bum etc in hot weather.

Now you've added, among other things, that he stood you from going out socially alone.

He's a nut. He's not right in the head.

And I'm sorry, but I e never known men like this to change.

I ended a relationship with one of the after a year or so of that type of shit. Except I didn't ever accept him ruining my social life and stopping me from socialising separately so it was arguments and "we're finished" every month or two ...or however often I dared to go out socially or dared to accompany a friend on a break so she didn't have to play gooseberry with her brother & his gf of the time.

You are in an extremely controlling relationship. That is abuse. It's also illegal now - coercive control.

An opinion - yes
A vote - no
A deciding vote and an opportunity to make me feel bad about myself - hell no.

i must be doing it for other men to oggle what is his and that im being disrespectful by doing that... that basically me wearing one when out and about means i must be doing it to impress other men!

What I would do, and I don't put up with this shit, is be honest about what is happening. He's calling you a liar. If he says "you're doing it for other men" calmly say, "I've told you I don't. Are you actually saying I'm a liar?" And wait. If he blusters and gets pissy, stay calm, "I've told you, but you don't believe me, so that means you think I'm a liar".

Calm, listening, stating your position, giving him a chance to blow his stupidity out.

@Aintallsunshineandrainbows You are doubting your choice of underwear because of comments from your Husband.
You have stopped going out with friends because its easier not to - I'm sure you'd have liked to go out with friends right??
You feel you can't chat or even smile to other men.

I'm sorry - but this is coercive control. and it's abuse. You probably haven't even noticed it happening to you and the thong thing is just the latest thig that's made you question your decisions.

This must be really hard for you to realise @Aintallsunshineandrainbows What you do about it will be a very difficult and complicated decision but it's unlikely a simple chat with your husband will change his behaviour.

I think it probably says more about how your husband looks at other women than anything else. Red flag.

Op, it won't change him (that's what he's like. Men like this usually have values around women & relationships that are not good) but "men" like this need a taste of their own medicine;

Focus on his underwear and say you think it outlines and highlights his dick in trousers. Ask him why he keeps wearing that type of underwear - is he purposefully wearing it you make his dick look more prominent and get other women to look at his crotch? Everytime he walks out, say his trousers aren't loose enough and can he not wear underwear that doesn't outline his dick so much.

Claim his trousers/shorts are too close fitting to his ass and you can see Jo's ass outlined too clearly. Ask him if he's wearing those on purpose to get women to look at his ass. Tell him to find looser trousers and keep criticising them.

Say he also needs to wear a different type of underwear.

Ask him about his every interaction with other women and critique it. Say he's too .... whatever, they'll think he's interested in them.

Do what he does to you and see how much he likes being on the defensive, never able to win, being got at, being stressed and frustrated all the time.

The very act of behaving like him should make you see how unreasonable and abusive this is.

Check out your rear view - may e it reveals more than u think or like

This too.

I find possessive, jealous controlling men are often sleazes and cheaters or would-be cheaters.

They project their thinking and behaviour onto everyone else.

There are four women in my Mum's families - the only husbands who have/had a problem with them eg having a night out on their own (dinner, drinks, a music show) are the cheaters.

The only opinion my husband has ever expressed about my underwear is that I should take it off.