Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating men with kids

107 replies

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 04:54

I have been dating a man for over a year now. He has introduced his kids to me and my child for over seven months now my child and I have spent the night at his house when his kids are around, but he never has his kids spend the night at my house. My house is bigger and nicer. Not that it matters, but there’s plenty of room for everybody. My son has to sleep on the couch. There’s no room for him there. He has no space and shares a bathroom with his kids and guest. My boyfriend refuses to have his kids spend the night because he thinks that would make them be forced to stay at my house and create a problem in our relationship. When I tell him that he is choosing to let the children control our relationship. They are 12 and 16. He denies that and says that if he forces his kids to stay at my house, they will be very upset and it will create a problem in our relationship. We have spent the night in Hotel His parents house so I don’t see the difference and I think he’s just controlling this relationship for no reason. He also prioritizes his kids before me and my child and it’s his way or the highway some might say why am I in this relationship and that’s why I’m trying to decide should I continue And wait it out or should I draw the line at this point?

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 01/05/2025 05:09

He should be putting his kids first so should you be

Climbinghigher · 01/05/2025 05:09

Why are you taking your kids to his house when there is no room for your son and he has to sleep on the couch?

Why do the kids need to be involved at all? And I can’t imagine moving any 16 year old around and between houses if they didn’t want to go.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:14

He’s also divorced 2x. He moved in with his kids after 12 months and later married her for 2 more years before getting divorced a 2nd time. My child doesn’t have a father so we don’t have any drama. My child enjoys sleeping over. I think things should be more equal.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 01/05/2025 05:37

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:14

He’s also divorced 2x. He moved in with his kids after 12 months and later married her for 2 more years before getting divorced a 2nd time. My child doesn’t have a father so we don’t have any drama. My child enjoys sleeping over. I think things should be more equal.

So why are you so desperate to be with him? something doesn't make sense

category12 · 01/05/2025 05:44

I think you're not being fair on your own child,.

They may be compliant about sleeping over on a sofa, but I doubt they "enjoy" having no privacy or comfort to satisfy your desire to sleep with your boyfriend.

Neemie · 01/05/2025 05:45

I think he is right to put his children first. They probably don’t want to stay at your house, which is not surprising at their age. At 16 I would have turned down the offer of staying at my dad’s girlfriend’s house so he could get a shag. I would have just stayed at my mum’s with my stuff and where I wasn’t a guest. Children shouldn’t be carted around to stay at partner’s houses. His children already have to move between parental homes which is bad enough. They are also secondary age which means they will want to be fairly independent, help themselves to stuff in the fridge, watch what they want on tv, do their hobbies, have their own social life and need a proper space set up for homework.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:52

Being in love with someone is not desperate nor a choice. You can’t control whom you fall in love with. I’m very picky I would not just date anyone. He has great qualities but we don’t agree on his kids and I must follow his way or he is upset. That part makes me feel like it’s best to walk away sooner rather than later.

my child is 6. He loves staying anywhere we go. We travel a lot.

He moved his kids in with the last woman after a year. I’m not doing that. We are blending the families. You have to start somewhere and he enjoys being a father figure to my son whom doesn’t have a father.

OP posts:
Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:02

We don’t know if they want to stay at my house as he has never asked them. We also bought a puppy together and he only has had his kids eat dinner at my house like 3 times.

OP posts:
oakl79 · 01/05/2025 06:02

It's only been a year and you're talking about him enjoying being a father figure to your child...

BlondiePortz · 01/05/2025 06:06

oakl79 · 01/05/2025 06:02

It's only been a year and you're talking about him enjoying being a father figure to your child...

And having the child attach to the 'father figure' then splitting up because he wont put the OPs child first?

OP this gets worse each time you post

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:06

It’s been over a year. My son gets a new teacher every year at school. There is nothing wrong with him having a relationship with the man I may live the rest of my life with.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/05/2025 06:09

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:02

We don’t know if they want to stay at my house as he has never asked them. We also bought a puppy together and he only has had his kids eat dinner at my house like 3 times.

What? Why have you bought a shared dog so quickly?

Having a malleable 6 yr old and it being "fun" for him to sleep on a sofa is quite different to a couple of teens with their own lives.

category12 · 01/05/2025 06:10

He moved his kids in with the last woman after a year.

Maybe he learnt from that mistake.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:12

his kuds sit on their phones all day. Not sure what lives they have on their own.

OP posts:
Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:14

If the marriage had worked no one would care. But I’m not trying to move in or get married after a year but we are going into the 2nd year already.

OP posts:
Twobigbabies · 01/05/2025 06:19

I actually think it's great he's putting his kids first, he really should be doing this especially given what they've been through. How many nights does he have his kids? Could you just stay at home on those days with your own child and have some 1:1 time allowing your partner to do the same with his kids. Kids really thrive on stability however compliant they might come across. It all sounds very intense for a year long relationship kids or no kids. Give him a chance to miss you?

category12 · 01/05/2025 06:22

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:12

his kuds sit on their phones all day. Not sure what lives they have on their own.

Ones where they sit in their own house 😂

You don't really sound like you like his kids, so this pressure to drag them along is a bit silly and likely to make them miserable.

If he's got a history of moving in with women too fast, no wonder they're not keen on getting involved.

TranceNation · 01/05/2025 06:26

I suspect the older child is saying to him they don't want to stay over at the house of the woman who isn't their mother. The younger sibling then probably copies the rebellious older sibling and Dad is probably terrified it'll end with the kids saying they no longer want to go to Dad's anymore. It's the sign of a decent guy at the least.

How much down time do you and bf get away from the kids, presuming his kids spend 50% or the majority of time with their mother? Likewise with your child at their father's? If the down time away from the kids is good between the pair of you then ride it out as the kids will be independent before you know it. It's incredibly difficult to blend a family at those ages.

BaggyPJs · 01/05/2025 06:28

Walk away.

He doesn't need to ask his kids to stay at your house. They don't need to stay at a 3rd house just because their dad has another new girlfriend. He sounds like he's trying to do better after his last mistake and priority should be his children over you, every single time.

Your 6 year old deserves to be your priority instead of putting him on a sofa just because you want to spend the night with a man.

AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:29

Don’t have sleepovers … it’s unnecessary for the kids to be involved in your dating schedule. Your son shouldn’t have to sleep on a sofa. It’s not a one off for him and he needs his space. Maybe it’s not practical for his kids to sleep over as they are older….they go to secondary school and would prob have pack up books ect for sleep over as they have homework.

Wheech · 01/05/2025 06:33

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:06

It’s been over a year. My son gets a new teacher every year at school. There is nothing wrong with him having a relationship with the man I may live the rest of my life with.

Can you really not see the difference?

Children do get attached to teachers and get upset at moving on. But this is very normal and they experience it with their peera and teachers will be aware of it and prepare them for the transition.

Parental figures are fundamental to a child's life. Expected to be there to provide love and support and around to fall back on no matter what happens, often well into adulthood.

My ex introduced our son to a new girlfriend very quickly and the relationship ended after around a year and DS was devastated. He was a similar age to yours and at that age they have no concept of adult relationships and that they often end. In our case it was worse because he'd also been through the separation of his parents a couple of years earlier but please consider your son in all this. He's more than just a portable accessory to your life.

Neemie · 01/05/2025 06:35

TranceNation · 01/05/2025 06:26

I suspect the older child is saying to him they don't want to stay over at the house of the woman who isn't their mother. The younger sibling then probably copies the rebellious older sibling and Dad is probably terrified it'll end with the kids saying they no longer want to go to Dad's anymore. It's the sign of a decent guy at the least.

How much down time do you and bf get away from the kids, presuming his kids spend 50% or the majority of time with their mother? Likewise with your child at their father's? If the down time away from the kids is good between the pair of you then ride it out as the kids will be independent before you know it. It's incredibly difficult to blend a family at those ages.

It isn’t rebellious. It is sensible and understandable.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:42

He has his kids every other weekend. My friend’s daughter got engaged after 9 months. I thought that was too soon but to each their own. I’m just trying to decide if this is the right guy for me based on his actions. All healthy marriages have the parents as the main priority to the kids. Add a divorce and all of a sudden the kids are manipulating their parents. Again I don’t have any drama so it’s easy for everyone else. His kids like us. They always talk and have fun with us when they aren’t busy on their phones. The issue is my bf. I’m not sure if he is he respectful and the right person for me based off his actions towards me.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:42

kids that are older are quite resistant to blending, my kids are teens and don’t really want to blend with my partners dc who are a lot younger. We have been together 5 years, and I respect my kids wishes on this and their comfort, We will do activities together , have them over for a meal but generally my partner and his dc will sleep over a few times a year. We still have a strong relationship and lots of time without kids. I want my kids to be happy, do well at school and be comfortable in their own home. Your partner sounds like he’s made a mistake in the past moving a woman on early so he’s being cautious and finally putting his kids first. You should respect this, it isn’t a reflect about how he feels with you. I do find buying a puppy together a bit irresponsible to be honest if you are disagreeing about sleep overs which is a far more fundamental issue.

AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:43

@23BlueLion23 what actions are yoir describing that aren’t respectful?