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Original poster

Dating men with kids

107 replies

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 04:54

I have been dating a man for over a year now. He has introduced his kids to me and my child for over seven months now my child and I have spent the night at his house when his kids are around, but he never has his kids spend the night at my house. My house is bigger and nicer. Not that it matters, but there’s plenty of room for everybody. My son has to sleep on the couch. There’s no room for him there. He has no space and shares a bathroom with his kids and guest. My boyfriend refuses to have his kids spend the night because he thinks that would make them be forced to stay at my house and create a problem in our relationship. When I tell him that he is choosing to let the children control our relationship. They are 12 and 16. He denies that and says that if he forces his kids to stay at my house, they will be very upset and it will create a problem in our relationship. We have spent the night in Hotel His parents house so I don’t see the difference and I think he’s just controlling this relationship for no reason. He also prioritizes his kids before me and my child and it’s his way or the highway some might say why am I in this relationship and that’s why I’m trying to decide should I continue And wait it out or should I draw the line at this point?

OP posts:
HowToBuy · 01/05/2025 10:29

If my father expected me to pack up at my mothers and come to his house, only to have to pack up again to go for a ‘sleepover’ at his new girlfriends house, with a 6 year old child, I would simply stop coming to his house.

These children have already been subjected to 2 divorces and only see their father 4 days a month… why would you want to impose on that time? Why can’t you leave him do his own thing with his children for those 4 days?

The fact that he even introduced you and your child to them after 5 months is bonkers to me. He should be focusing on his children and using the incredibly limited time he has with them to spend quality 1 on 1 time together. Without his new girlfriend and her small child.

You don’t sound very nice or sensible, you seem to have no concept of the fact that these children have their own lives and have probably no interest in staying at a 3rd house. No concept of how damaging it can be to introduce your own small child to a man so quickly. I mean father figure? Give me a break. Getting upset because he prioritises his children ahead of you and your child… for a whole 4 days a month??? Seriously, get a fucking grip.

I think you’d be doing all the children in this situation a huge favour if you both ended this relationship. You especially will end up damaging this man’s children, as well as your own.

Nocap · 01/05/2025 10:41

That’s were I was confused, I’m thinking they shared a child together than kept reading seeing they stay in separate houses. Well seeing things clearly now it looks like he is already stuck in his ways when it comes to his children. He doesn’t want to make a change, well at least not at the moment. But I most definitely wouldn’t be having my baby sleep on a couch at his house, knowing he could be at home. She claims she hardly gets to see him as well. And that’s apart of her reason for doing that. In my opinion if it was me, I probably wouldn’t pour too much of myself into the situation especially since I have my own kids feelings and well being to look after. You have a younger child (boy) with a men who has older children. They probably not into the same things hints the age difference. But does that mean they can’t bond? No but Just because you and your kid are accustomed to different settings doesn’t mean he is nor his two kids. Without knowing the gender of his kids by the way you say they always on the phone I’m going to say their both females. So even that alone can play apart. In those ages, females are having hormonal changes.🩸Even if they were boys or boy and girl I wouldnt push the issue. I would try mingling with them and bond with them. Make them feel comfortable with you. Because too be honest is sounds like you want to make him choose and you should never do that between a man and his kids. Especially because you don’t even share children with him.

TheHerboriste · 01/05/2025 14:29

PassMeTheCookies · 01/05/2025 09:50

My son is almost 6. I cannot even imagine leaving my child downstairs to sleep on a sofa on his own, in a house that isn’t his, whilst I’m tucked up in bed with a man upstairs. Poor little thing must be terrified.

You really need to re-evaluate your actions. If your partner sees his kids 4 days a month, leave him be on those 4 days. Their limited time with their dad shouldn’t be taken up by you, when you can see him for the other 26/27 days a month. On those days, he can travel to you where your son can sleep in a bed and not be left downstairs alone.

Well said.

Neither of these people are prioritizing their offspring’s well being.

MoominMai · 01/05/2025 15:10

Can your partner not even get a cheap little fold away bed for your poor son. I know he’s only 6 and everything’s an adventure most likely at that age but still!

cheshirebloke · 01/05/2025 16:13

He has his kids every other weekend.

Then he has 12 nights out of every fortnight to come over to yours unhindered by his dc's desire not to? It's right that he's putting his kids first on the precious little time he gets with them. Although it doesn't sound like he's actually spending much quality time with them, just leaving them quite literally to their own devices?

I'm in a relationship not too dissimilar to yours - we both have kids from previous relationships but we don't drag them around to the other partner's house just so we can spend time together. That does mean we only see each other every other weekend though, just something we've had to accept until the kids are older.

amyds2104 · 01/05/2025 16:30

Wow. He sounds amazing putting his kids first. In the nicest way you need to give your head a wobble. There’s no reason at all why his children should be made to spend time with you when they have such a small amount of time with their father anyway, never mind staying over at your house. You are their dad’s girlfriend. You may be the nicest person in the world with the nicest house but why wouldnt they want to sleep at their own house (which is their fathers). Your boyfriend has been clear about this boundary. Either accept it or move on.

Julimia · 01/05/2025 16:33

I can't really believe people have to ask other people's opinions about situations like this. But in any case your/his children should be put first. 12 and 16 is more thsn old enough to have a say in where they will go.

Eviebeans · 01/05/2025 16:33

After all I have ever read here my answer to your title would always be don’t do
I would also say there’s a big difference in age between the children

Endofyear · 01/05/2025 16:43

He's prioritising his children which is as it should be. If you can't deal with that, then he's not the one for you.

Rewis · 01/05/2025 16:58

I need this to be spelled out for me. He has his kids every other weekedn. What does he do for a living if he has to work late the other 25+ days so he can spend the two weekends with his kids?

Also, if he only has them 2 weekends a month, why does anyone have to do a sleepover? Why not just meet up with all the kids and spend the day together and everyone sleeps in their own bed. He can come to yours when he doesn't have the kids and you can go to his when you don't. If i was 16yo, I would refuse a sleepover at my parents new partners house. No matter how nice they were.

mummybear35 · 01/05/2025 17:07

First of all, I would NOT be dragging my child over to his house to sleep on sofa just so I can sleep with the man!!! What??? Who does that??? My children come first, the man is right in not dragging his kids round to sleep in other people’s houses just so he can get one over! The adults are dating, not the kids….if you want to stay over at each other’s houses, leave the kids out of it and arrange childcare.

Littlejellyuk · 01/05/2025 17:10

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:14

He’s also divorced 2x. He moved in with his kids after 12 months and later married her for 2 more years before getting divorced a 2nd time. My child doesn’t have a father so we don’t have any drama. My child enjoys sleeping over. I think things should be more equal.

I agree it should be more equal.
Your son has one-to-one time with you (his mum), all to himself.
They need to have one-to-one time with their dad, all to themselves... without you being there, waiting for a shag.

Again, I agree it should be more equal.
Your child should be sleeping in an actual bed ... in his own house and not carted about, to sleep on a couch at age 6, at this new father-figures house, so you can get your end away and have a shag, whilst his kids also stay over.

His willy isn't worth all this. I'm sorry buy no. None of this sounds compatible.

Walk away, for

Jollyhockeystickss · 01/05/2025 17:15

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:52

Being in love with someone is not desperate nor a choice. You can’t control whom you fall in love with. I’m very picky I would not just date anyone. He has great qualities but we don’t agree on his kids and I must follow his way or he is upset. That part makes me feel like it’s best to walk away sooner rather than later.

my child is 6. He loves staying anywhere we go. We travel a lot.

He moved his kids in with the last woman after a year. I’m not doing that. We are blending the families. You have to start somewhere and he enjoys being a father figure to my son whom doesn’t have a father.

Edited

"I'm in love" therefor I can drag my son anywhere! When you were 16 would you want to be dragged to your fathers latest bit off stuff, no you wouldn't, he's being a good father, it seems you want him to put you first, that's what being a parent is

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 01/05/2025 17:19

I call bullshit. The puppy was too much.

Littlejellyuk · 01/05/2025 17:20

category12 · 01/05/2025 07:09

It doesn't sound like he wants to make room for you in his life, but is happy for you to squeeze yourself and your son in where it suits him.

I think he's right not to drag his kids around with him, especially after putting them through a quick marriage and second divorce, and to be prioritising stability for them.

But he clearly also prioritises work over you.

(Dunno why you're OK with the work but not the human beings.)

I think you're now seeing the cracks and where you stand with him, and the good news is you haven't moved in together.

Don't push for more domestic life together as a substitute for his time/attention.

Show quote history

This 👆

It doesn't sound like he wants to make room for you in his life, but is happy for you to squeeze yourself and your son in where it suits him.

Walk away.
Make your child a priority.
Your 6 year old son should be the main man in your life, not some 2x divorcee with a history.

MrsRaspberry · 01/05/2025 17:26

His kids are a lot older than your kid they'll have nothing in common with a 6year old who isn't their siblings. They probably don't want to stay at yet another woman's house when they only get to see their dad two weekends a month as it is. They are allowed to not want to share their dad when they see so little of him. Maybe your boyfriend wants to spend his weekends with his kids without you and your kid tagging along. You say your 6year old is happy to sleep on a sofa at his. You're also stating that your home is much nicer than his therefore you can't see why they wouldn't want to stay at yours instead of your boyfriends. Don't be such a snob. Those kids don't have to feel obliged to sleep over yours when they don't see him that often as it is

CosyLemur · 01/05/2025 17:31

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 04:54

I have been dating a man for over a year now. He has introduced his kids to me and my child for over seven months now my child and I have spent the night at his house when his kids are around, but he never has his kids spend the night at my house. My house is bigger and nicer. Not that it matters, but there’s plenty of room for everybody. My son has to sleep on the couch. There’s no room for him there. He has no space and shares a bathroom with his kids and guest. My boyfriend refuses to have his kids spend the night because he thinks that would make them be forced to stay at my house and create a problem in our relationship. When I tell him that he is choosing to let the children control our relationship. They are 12 and 16. He denies that and says that if he forces his kids to stay at my house, they will be very upset and it will create a problem in our relationship. We have spent the night in Hotel His parents house so I don’t see the difference and I think he’s just controlling this relationship for no reason. He also prioritizes his kids before me and my child and it’s his way or the highway some might say why am I in this relationship and that’s why I’m trying to decide should I continue And wait it out or should I draw the line at this point?

It's good that he's putting his kids before you and your child that's exactly how it should be!
Me and my partner have been together for 10 years but don't live together because we're putting our kids first - we live over 100 miles from each other and if either one of us moved to live with the other we'd have to either see our own kids less or if they moved with us they'd have to see their other parent less.
Why are you even spending the night there when he has his kids that should be his time to be with his kids - they were in his life long before you!

NewMrsF · 01/05/2025 17:35

if you think a man prioritising his children is an issue then you are the problem.

he only has those kids once a fortnight, he should be putting them first, spending quality time with them (preferably without you staying over every time) and NOT dragging them to his girlfriends house.

you are so wrong

Lickityspit · 01/05/2025 17:39

Why does anyone have to sleep over when he has his kids? Could you do something nice with them during the day then go home and let your DS sleep in his bed? That way no pressure. It won’t last forever and you still have the week days and every other weekend to be together

starrynight009 · 01/05/2025 17:46

He should be putting his children first. He always should. You do have to accept that when you're blending a family. I'd just take things slow. I'm a single mum who is dating a single dad. His boys are a lot older than my daughter and I don't think I even met them until we'd been dating for over a year. We're now planning to live together after 5 years as his boys are starting to move out. There's no rush. Just enjoy dating. Slower is better when there's children involved as they do have to come first and time will help you figure out if he's the right partner for you and right father figure for your son.

ParsnipPuree · 01/05/2025 17:49

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:06

It’s been over a year. My son gets a new teacher every year at school. There is nothing wrong with him having a relationship with the man I may live the rest of my life with.

“May” is the operative word here. I know there are no guarantees with relationships but I’ve been where you are and didn’t move in with dh till we were engaged and knew that was it. And even when we did, there were huge problems.

I understand you want your ds to have a father figure but for his security you need to be beyond 100% sure this is it.. not ‘try it and see’.

OoLaOoLa · 01/05/2025 17:52

Yeah I agree with what others have said, stop taking your child to his and stop expecting him to bring his to yours. Just date amongst yourself and stop getting kids involved. If you want to stay at his then get a childminder for your son so he doesn’t have to come on your date and sleep on a sofa.
kids might not openly say anything but they don’t tend to enjoy this life being forced on them. If in a few years things progress and you want to get married and move in together then that’s the time to discuss these issues. Until then please stop taking your son on your dates.

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/05/2025 18:04

I've been with my partner for six years. We both have children ranging from 14 to 22. We live separately and the kids have never stayed at the other persons house. They have a home where they are safe and feel comfortable.

We will move in with each other when the kids are older and settled in their own lives. they come first.

IShouldNotBeSurprised · 01/05/2025 18:15

I'm not sure if OP's bf is putting his kids first or himself first. I do think that his kids coming before OP and her son is important. I think it makes sense for them to stay at his house on his weekends and not spend what little time they have with their dad in someone else's home. However, how much time is he really spending with them if OP and her son are there every time they are?

OP, are you doing all the cooking and cleaning on those weekends? I wonder if you are a convenience to him as he doesn't seem to go out of his way to spend much time with you other than the weekends with his kids.

AnotherNaCha · 01/05/2025 18:23

Why do all these posts in this vein sound like trolling?!

You’re not “blending the families”, his kids are a bit old for that… and I feel sorry for yours having sleepovers on the sofa :(

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