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Original poster

Dating men with kids

107 replies

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 04:54

I have been dating a man for over a year now. He has introduced his kids to me and my child for over seven months now my child and I have spent the night at his house when his kids are around, but he never has his kids spend the night at my house. My house is bigger and nicer. Not that it matters, but there’s plenty of room for everybody. My son has to sleep on the couch. There’s no room for him there. He has no space and shares a bathroom with his kids and guest. My boyfriend refuses to have his kids spend the night because he thinks that would make them be forced to stay at my house and create a problem in our relationship. When I tell him that he is choosing to let the children control our relationship. They are 12 and 16. He denies that and says that if he forces his kids to stay at my house, they will be very upset and it will create a problem in our relationship. We have spent the night in Hotel His parents house so I don’t see the difference and I think he’s just controlling this relationship for no reason. He also prioritizes his kids before me and my child and it’s his way or the highway some might say why am I in this relationship and that’s why I’m trying to decide should I continue And wait it out or should I draw the line at this point?

OP posts:
AnotherNaCha · 01/05/2025 18:24

Chucklecheeks01 · 01/05/2025 18:04

I've been with my partner for six years. We both have children ranging from 14 to 22. We live separately and the kids have never stayed at the other persons house. They have a home where they are safe and feel comfortable.

We will move in with each other when the kids are older and settled in their own lives. they come first.

Think this is sensible. I guess the OP (if real and not a troll) hasn’t got a co-parent to have her child some of the time though?

AnotherNaCha · 01/05/2025 18:25

HowToBuy · 01/05/2025 10:29

If my father expected me to pack up at my mothers and come to his house, only to have to pack up again to go for a ‘sleepover’ at his new girlfriends house, with a 6 year old child, I would simply stop coming to his house.

These children have already been subjected to 2 divorces and only see their father 4 days a month… why would you want to impose on that time? Why can’t you leave him do his own thing with his children for those 4 days?

The fact that he even introduced you and your child to them after 5 months is bonkers to me. He should be focusing on his children and using the incredibly limited time he has with them to spend quality 1 on 1 time together. Without his new girlfriend and her small child.

You don’t sound very nice or sensible, you seem to have no concept of the fact that these children have their own lives and have probably no interest in staying at a 3rd house. No concept of how damaging it can be to introduce your own small child to a man so quickly. I mean father figure? Give me a break. Getting upset because he prioritises his children ahead of you and your child… for a whole 4 days a month??? Seriously, get a fucking grip.

I think you’d be doing all the children in this situation a huge favour if you both ended this relationship. You especially will end up damaging this man’s children, as well as your own.

missed he had them 4 days a month!

this is utter madness in that case and I can’t be arsed commenting further than that

TwistedWonder · 01/05/2025 18:32

AnotherNaCha · 01/05/2025 18:23

Why do all these posts in this vein sound like trolling?!

You’re not “blending the families”, his kids are a bit old for that… and I feel sorry for yours having sleepovers on the sofa :(

Agree. I actually hope these threads are trolls otherwise there’s far too many women out there prioritising cock over kids

Lifeisapeach · 01/05/2025 19:26

With all due respect op, I don’t think you understand teens very well. A six year old is impressionable and could easily fall into a blended family. You have this view of blending families but what benefit does this bring to his children who I presume don’t need another parent figure in the picture. They are too old to expect to play happy families at your request.

personally I would respect his boundaries. And if you can’t then you are both after different things.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 19:26

He has them 2/5 days on 2/5 days off. We don’t stay over except on weekends which end up being every other. The weekends he has the kids he wants my son to stay over on his couch which is on the same level, nothing scary and the puppy is next to him. We also asked my son if he wanted a bed or something else to sleep and he said no he likes the couch. I see no reason for his kids to come over once in awhile where everyone has their own bedroom and full bathroom. No sharing .They have no problem swimming in my pool every day they can. There hasn’t been a single argument between anyone except my bf and my kid as I said he treats him like he is his dad when it comes to discipline. His youngest has lots of time left at home to be blending a family and commented the other day when my son asked for a sibling/ baby that he already has two. My concern is whether it’s a red flag that he won’t have his kids overnight at my house and expects me to always go to his small house.

OP posts:
Rewis · 01/05/2025 19:35

Does he refuse to spend the night at your house even when he doesn't have the kids? Does he expect you to stay over at his or would he be totally fine with going home to sleep?

PurplGirl · 01/05/2025 19:37

Neemie · 01/05/2025 05:45

I think he is right to put his children first. They probably don’t want to stay at your house, which is not surprising at their age. At 16 I would have turned down the offer of staying at my dad’s girlfriend’s house so he could get a shag. I would have just stayed at my mum’s with my stuff and where I wasn’t a guest. Children shouldn’t be carted around to stay at partner’s houses. His children already have to move between parental homes which is bad enough. They are also secondary age which means they will want to be fairly independent, help themselves to stuff in the fridge, watch what they want on tv, do their hobbies, have their own social life and need a proper space set up for homework.

This ☝️☝️☝️

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 19:39

I also was very successful and don’t work now and have all the free time with my son. My bf works a lot and controls his schedule so that he maximizes his time with his kids and they have time together with my son and I not around. We have been on plenty of vacations all together and his oldest will be super clingy one day then the next too busy with the phone. I feel I am just there to fit into his life and he doesn’t really care to compromise for me or my son.

OP posts:
Rewis · 01/05/2025 19:41

If you don't feel good in this relationship then it might not be the relationship for you.

PurplGirl · 01/05/2025 19:46

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 19:39

I also was very successful and don’t work now and have all the free time with my son. My bf works a lot and controls his schedule so that he maximizes his time with his kids and they have time together with my son and I not around. We have been on plenty of vacations all together and his oldest will be super clingy one day then the next too busy with the phone. I feel I am just there to fit into his life and he doesn’t really care to compromise for me or my son.

Wait….he has his kids every other weekend - 2 days out of 14 - and you feel hard done by that he doesn’t want to uproot them on these days??? Teenagers do not like sleeping over at other people’s houses (unless it’s their mates). Fact. They like their own space and things. They don’t like guest dynamics. Why do they need to come to yours? Frankly, for 2/14 nights, why do you need to go to his at all? It sounds like he’s putting his kids first. You should do the same.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 19:48

Their mother has a live in bf so this isn’t new for them to see relationships. Positive relationships for children of divorce and remarriage is perfectly normal. Just because someone has kids doesn’t mean they must live solo for the rest of the children’s school years. My son has benefited from having a man’s presence and family is an important element in childhood! No body should be judgmental about what a family does. I was just asking if there was something I was understanding about the fact that his kids can only spend nights together everywhere but my house. It just seems odd to me like maybe he’s scared of the relationship.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 01/05/2025 20:01

I feel I am just there to fit into his life and he doesn’t really care to compromise for me or my son.

It sounds like his goal is not to blend. You need to decide if that is a non negotiable boundary.

I think that he’s doing the right thing prioritising the kids over you at this stage of the relationship and I’m a bit shocked that you’re ok with your son on the sofa as that doesn’t sound like prioritising to me. I also think it’s fine for him not to see you when he has his kids. He made a massive mistake with marriage 2 and will want to avoid making that mistake again. It’s a bit shocking that he’s playing a fatherly role already. Little kids get attached easily and I think that you should have maintained a bit of distance between your boyfriend and son.

If you can wait until his kids are much older then you’ll get more time at your house with him and he may consider blending at that point because he’ll see his boys less and might b up for selling his current property.

HowToBuy · 01/05/2025 20:13

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TwistedWonder · 01/05/2025 20:14

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/05/2025 22:14

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 05:14

He’s also divorced 2x. He moved in with his kids after 12 months and later married her for 2 more years before getting divorced a 2nd time. My child doesn’t have a father so we don’t have any drama. My child enjoys sleeping over. I think things should be more equal.

But if your kids enjoy sleeping over but his don't then it's not equal is it, his kids would be the only ones being made unhappy

DorothyStorm · 01/05/2025 22:23

He doesnt sound particularly nice.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 23:07

i posted previously he’s never even asked his kids. We have had plenty of week long vacations sleeping together in various places!

OP posts:
PurplGirl · 01/05/2025 23:27

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 23:07

i posted previously he’s never even asked his kids. We have had plenty of week long vacations sleeping together in various places!

why do you think he won’t ask them then? If you’re sure he hasn’t asked them, why do you think that is so?

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 02/05/2025 01:11

Because it’s his way or the highway. I ask him to all the time. He tells me he knows they will refuse they aren’t ready but he can’t answer when they will be. He says if he tells them to they will be upset and it will negatively affect the blending. If I press him he tells me they will spend the night but it never happens and the cycle repeats.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 02/05/2025 05:25

To be honest some of what you are saying is a bit unbelievable.., that you are very successful, don’t need to work anymore, have a large house with a pool,
Come on! I think half your replies are made up now to make you look good or fot the narrative you want! Also that you’ve gone away many times on a family holiday yet have only been going out a year: it doesn’t add up so I am out!

Changeissmall · 02/05/2025 05:41

After one year together you’re still in the lust and excitement phase. No big decisions should be made in this period when there are children to consider. You don’t get to indulge yourselves.
We all agree with him. 4 days a month and you want his poor kids to have to share their dad with his newish girlfriend and her small child? Let them be. If you don’t like it then to use your favourite phrase you can take the highway.

phoenix72 · 02/05/2025 08:11

You've had plenty of vacations together as a blended family in the year you've been together?? What has happened with the puppy all these times?

A vacation is very different to staying at their dad's girlfriends.

Original poster
23BlueLion23 · 02/05/2025 12:54

There are kennels and family that have watched the puppy that we just got in February. This relationship is going on 1.5 years. You don’t know who that person is until you see them in real life settlings. We are no longer just dating we are living a real life together. Sorry if that is hard for people to understand. He has his kids over 50 percent of the time not 4 days as made up by some random person on here. None of that matters anyway. Just trying to show a complete picture. Everyone can do whatever they want but we are not going backwards because other people decide to live separately for years and I refuse that and so does my bf clearly he moved on with the last person whom he claimed was terrible yet the more I see the more I know he’s not a victim. Everyone has things they can work on. The question I had was is it odd that someone who has put their 2 kids into our life together is hesitant about sleeping over with them as school is about to end. Especially because he said many times he will but he doesn’t follow through which isn’t like him in other areas of life.

OP posts:
HowToBuy · 02/05/2025 13:03

You literally said in a previous post that he has his kids every other weekend? Why are you now saying he has them 50% of time?

Why do you keep bringing up his ex that he moved in with after a year? Is it jealousy? Do you not think he has maybe learned a lesson about moving his children around in such a short time frame and doesn’t want to repeat this mistake no matter how much he likes you? Answering your last question, it’s not in the least bit odd he doesn’t want them to stay over at your house, it’s the responsible and sensible thing to do.

end of the day, his children are 12 and 16… if he pushes them to have ‘sleepovers’ at your house, and they don’t want that, then they are old enough now to just stop coming during his contact time… are you really happy to risk damaging his relationship with his children like this?

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 02/05/2025 13:15

I think he is making the best choice as a dad. He is putting his kids first (as he should do). At that age they will have no interest in staying over at your house.
I can’t imagine it’s nice for your kid either to stay over at his house (sleep on the sofa).

It sounds like you want to create a family unit, but you’re not a family unit. You each have your own families (and for the sake of all the kids it should be kept that way). don’t over complicate things. Just enjoy each other’s company (and the shags) but maintain family boundaries for the emotional wellbeing of the children.

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