Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Dating men with kids

107 replies

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 04:54

I have been dating a man for over a year now. He has introduced his kids to me and my child for over seven months now my child and I have spent the night at his house when his kids are around, but he never has his kids spend the night at my house. My house is bigger and nicer. Not that it matters, but there’s plenty of room for everybody. My son has to sleep on the couch. There’s no room for him there. He has no space and shares a bathroom with his kids and guest. My boyfriend refuses to have his kids spend the night because he thinks that would make them be forced to stay at my house and create a problem in our relationship. When I tell him that he is choosing to let the children control our relationship. They are 12 and 16. He denies that and says that if he forces his kids to stay at my house, they will be very upset and it will create a problem in our relationship. We have spent the night in Hotel His parents house so I don’t see the difference and I think he’s just controlling this relationship for no reason. He also prioritizes his kids before me and my child and it’s his way or the highway some might say why am I in this relationship and that’s why I’m trying to decide should I continue And wait it out or should I draw the line at this point?

OP posts:

TranceNation · 01/05/2025 06:45

Neemie · 01/05/2025 06:35

It isn’t rebellious. It is sensible and understandable.

Show quote history

I completely agree. It's completely natural part of raising teenagers and the teenage stage is a whole new part of parenting and 100% this Dad should be listening to their opinions on this.

TimeForTeaAndToast · 01/05/2025 06:49

I think he's right. He shouldn't insist his kids sleep away from home.
It's also not great having your son sleep on a sofa to facilitate your relationship.

Original poster

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:50

He leaves work early on days he has his kids. Days he doesn’t he barely spends any time if any because he is making up his work on days without his kids. If I ask his to come home early once in awhile to spend time with us he acts like I’m ridiculous.

OP posts:

Kattuccino · 01/05/2025 06:54

He has to stay at work late 12 days out of 14 to facilitate having his DC every other weekend? That doesn't make sense and does sound like he's making excuses not to spend time with you.

The rest all sounds perfectly normal. He only sees his DC every other weekend so why do they need to stay at your house? It's hardly like his DC are always there and you can't sped any time together...

AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:55

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:50

This is a bigger issue than the sleep over to be honest which are a red herring. He doesn’t sound like he respects your feelings on the relationship or your need to spend time with him, I am not sure op, with kindness you sound a bit clingy. If I was you I would step back a bit and see if he starts making positive moves to make you happy ( and I do not mean having his dc sleep over,. Think about if he ever does anything nice for you and what you want and need from a relationship.

RipleyJones · 01/05/2025 06:59

It’s right his priorities are his children. So many people in this situation do not prioritise their children, quite the opposite.

You take your son to his and your son sleeps on the sofa? Everyone else has a bed. Wow that’s putting him in his place.

You bought a puppy ‘together’ but not really as he doesn’t look after the puppy at all. You speak about his children quite dismissively, it’s a good thing he doesn’t say they should stay at your houses I’m sure as teens, they’d be resentful. Especially as they’ve done it before.

He’s probably just not that into you, he’s been married twice it didn’t work out. Might be an idea to move on and find someone who’s better for you and you for him.

category12 · 01/05/2025 07:09

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:50

It doesn't sound like he wants to make room for you in his life, but is happy for you to squeeze yourself and your son in where it suits him.

I think he's right not to drag his kids around with him, especially after putting them through a quick marriage and second divorce, and to be prioritising stability for them.

But he clearly also prioritises work over you.

(Dunno why you're OK with the work but not the human beings.)

I think you're now seeing the cracks and where you stand with him, and the good news is you haven't moved in together.

Don't push for more domestic life together as a substitute for his time/attention.

TheHerboriste · 01/05/2025 07:49

AnonAnonmystery · 01/05/2025 06:29

Don’t have sleepovers … it’s unnecessary for the kids to be involved in your dating schedule. Your son shouldn’t have to sleep on a sofa. It’s not a one off for him and he needs his space. Maybe it’s not practical for his kids to sleep over as they are older….they go to secondary school and would prob have pack up books ect for sleep over as they have homework.

This. Your son does not need exposure to your boyfriends.

TwistedWonder · 01/05/2025 08:02

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:06

It’s been over a year. My son gets a new teacher every year at school. There is nothing wrong with him having a relationship with the man I may live the rest of my life with.

JFC - you’re really equating your DC getting a new teacher every year with dragging them to a blokes house to sleep on the sofa so mummy can have a shag?

At least one person in the relationship is rightly prioritising their kids and it’s not you!

shalamakooky · 01/05/2025 08:09

Why are you having your son sleep on a couch just so you can be selfish and have a relationship

wtf

shalamakooky · 01/05/2025 08:14

You’re not really thinking in a way to put the children’s best interest at heart from your posts

this includes his children. He is putting his children first but you’re just thinking to push the children together when it’s probably not best for his children given what they have been through.

im a psychologist and I have seen childhood issues from children where the mother / father have pushed or tried to ‘blend’ families for the sake of their own desire to have a relationship when it may not be the right time to push this.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 01/05/2025 08:24

You're bonkers, your poor kid.

Sounds like you're a lot more invested in the relationship than he is.

FloatingSquirrel · 01/05/2025 09:03

A 6 year old staying at someone else's house during time with their primary parent is very different to teenagers spending their presumably limited time with dad away from his house for (what they will see as) him to spend time with his girlfriend instead of them.
You going to visit them is a different dynamic, but it's absolutely right that he's prioritising his DC. If you're serious about the relationship then there's only a few more years until they'll likely be visiting far less or away at uni.

FloatingSquirrel · 01/05/2025 09:11

shalamakooky · 01/05/2025 08:09

Why are you having your son sleep on a couch just so you can be selfish and have a relationship

wtf

I don't necessarily see a problem with them staying over sometimes if the DS is happy and comfortable with it, in the right situation it could be a positive scenario where its an occasional fun break from being in an only child/single parent set up, like staying at grandparents, aunts/uncles or cousins or friends houses is fun.
However it could be set up in a better way with eg a little pop up tent, fairy lights, blow up campbed in the tent etc to make it more of a "set up" than just being on the sofa like he's being slotted into the only space left.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 01/05/2025 09:23

He should put his kids first. Sounds like he's inflicted a crap upbringing on them with various ex wives and girlfriends, now he sees them a pathetic 4 days a month.
Quite right that he's not making them sleep in another new girlfriends house on the few hours he bothers to see them.

Why not just date without household drudgery and making kids be involved?

choppywood · 01/05/2025 09:23

I think it's you who isn't right for him actually, I'd do him a favour and walk away .

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/05/2025 09:26

23BlueLion23 · 01/05/2025 06:12

his kuds sit on their phones all day. Not sure what lives they have on their own.

Get used to it. Pretty common with teens atm.

You don’t like them very much, do you?

Sdpbody · 01/05/2025 09:36

2+ women have decided that they would rather raise children alone than be with this man.... Run

S0j0urn4r · 01/05/2025 09:40

If it's "His way or the highway." I'd choose the highway. That attitude would be horrible to live with in the future.

PassMeTheCookies · 01/05/2025 09:47

At 16, it was a battle enough for me to want to sleep at my dad’s house. If that arrangement then led to me having to have a sleepover at his girlfriend’s house, I just wouldn’t have gone.

Them sleeping at your house would mean they’re regularly sleeping between three houses. That’s not stable for them. Your son sleeps between two houses (your own, and your partner’s). The current arrangement is the same for them.

It sounds like your partner has learnt from his last mistake of forcing a blended home on to his children too quickly last time, and is protecting their welfare this time around, which is the right thing to do.

When children are involved, it is not necessary to always sleep over if it’s not right for both children. Wait until he doesn’t have his kids and let him sleep at yours instead. You’re a grown woman, you can go a few nights not sharing a bed.

It’s only been a year. Take it slow. Your son should not be viewing this man as a father figure so soon. You compare it to him having a new teacher every year - I truly hope your son’s attachment issues do not run so deeply that he views his teachers as parental figures.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/05/2025 09:49

Sorry but I think he's right. His children already have 2 homes. They don't need to add a third home to have sleepovers at your house. Just spend the night together when it's not his parenting time. He is right to put his children first.

PassMeTheCookies · 01/05/2025 09:50

My son is almost 6. I cannot even imagine leaving my child downstairs to sleep on a sofa on his own, in a house that isn’t his, whilst I’m tucked up in bed with a man upstairs. Poor little thing must be terrified.

You really need to re-evaluate your actions. If your partner sees his kids 4 days a month, leave him be on those 4 days. Their limited time with their dad shouldn’t be taken up by you, when you can see him for the other 26/27 days a month. On those days, he can travel to you where your son can sleep in a bed and not be left downstairs alone.

Bhockminsister · 01/05/2025 09:54

I would cut your losses and move on. It’s never going to work, when you have such different ideas about raising kids.

Nocap · 01/05/2025 09:58

Is the child you saying yours, one you two share together? Or solo your child? Y’all stay in separate houses? But been together for that long. Do you think it could be the other parent doesn’t want them at your house when he gets the kids? Sounds to me there is a underlying issue with family dynamic. Him not wanting them to come stay at your house but they stay else where even in a hotel room. Seem to me like he’s not wanting to get comfortable with that going on. Or it could be the kids as well but it doesn’t make sense.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 01/05/2025 10:14

Nocap · 01/05/2025 09:58

They've been dating for a year, OP has one kid, the boyfriend has a couple. The boyfriend only sees his kids 4 days a month. Sounds good that he doesn't want to make them sleep at OPs house.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread