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Original poster

Nephew kept secret from us.

119 replies

Badgertime · 30/04/2025 09:40

This is very complicated and I don't want to give to much info.
I just don't know what to do and I'm upset.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in RL.

I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant. Each brother says the child is the other one's and has never taken any responsibility or tried to have contact with the child.
The child us now 25 and has own kids.
I thought my mum didn't know......

But she did all along and has never had contact either. She and brothers have hidden all this from me and my sisters for 25 years.

I only found out yesterday when his mum found me on FB pleading to know me and the family. She's tried to contact brothers many times but they don't want to know.
She fully admits her mistake and blames herself. She was 18.

Her son has contacted me and just wants to know who his father is.

I'm devastated for him and angry at the sane time.
I've spoken to my mum but she doesn't really want to know either atm saying she's old abd 'vulnerable' ( still manages to holiday and travel by herself all the time).

I'm so embarrassed as are my sisters.

Would I be wrong to have a chat with him to see if I can be the aunty I could have been?

OP posts:
Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 09:43

Oh and the boys are identical twins. A simple DNA test wouldn't actually tell us but she says there are tests now to determine paternity on identical twins.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 30/04/2025 09:54

That's bloody unforgivable.

In your place, I would certainly throw forward my cap as auntie.

It is every child's right to know who they are and where they came from. We have only to watch the various programmes like long lost family and the other one I can't remember, to know how important it is for us to know who we are.

Your brothers should be ashamed of themselves for acting like a pair of selfish pricks. ALL unplanned pregnancies are caused by men. They have both wilfully ignored any semblance of responsibility, both then and now, and now there is a 25 year old man struggling to navigate the mystery of his parentage.

By making contact, you will be extending a firm hand of family and friendship - something he has been lacking throughout his childhood and into adulthood.

These will be troubled waters for him, and I expect he will be glad to have that initial contact to help him in his journey towards the truth.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 09:58

I mean your family have been total shits.

The best you can do here is control what you can control.
So meet the mother and nephew and have a cordial family relationship with them.

If you mother and bloggers want to be docks there is nothing you cam do about it amd I wpuldnt be getting in the middle of it too much

Lampzade · 30/04/2025 10:00

Op, yes you should definitely have a chat with him.
It is shocking that both your brothers and your mother ignored this young man for all these years . I don’t know how some people sleep at night

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 10:04

I am so sad right now. My own children's father just left and excommunicated them entirely and it's been horrid for them.

I just wanted to know that my feelings are valid. My conscience says they are but it's been a big shock.

The worst thing is they claim to be devout Christians and preach to me all the time!

OP posts:
Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:10

Is everyone involved certain that the father is definitely one of your brothers?

I would think very carefully about what I was committing to. You can't badger your brothers into taking DNA tests or make one of them roll back time and be an involved father. I think I would worry that this man and his mother would expect more from you than you have any possibility of delivering. Yes, obviously, you can meet them and forge some kind of ongoing relationship with your nephew -- which is why I'm asking if he's definitely your nephew...?

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 10:11

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:10

Is everyone involved certain that the father is definitely one of your brothers?

I would think very carefully about what I was committing to. You can't badger your brothers into taking DNA tests or make one of them roll back time and be an involved father. I think I would worry that this man and his mother would expect more from you than you have any possibility of delivering. Yes, obviously, you can meet them and forge some kind of ongoing relationship with your nephew -- which is why I'm asking if he's definitely your nephew...?

I've seen the photos and spoken to one brother. He's the spitting image. There's no doubt.

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 30/04/2025 10:18

Your brothers' behaviour is dreadful and hardly in keeping with religious morals and beliefs. You can only control the things, you can personally control. You can't force either brother to have a paternity test, you can't force them or your Mother to have a relationship with this young man - these are beyond your control. What you can control is how you want to respond to your nephew. If you want to try and forge a relationship with him and his Mum, then do so. The same applies to your sister's too. There's nothing stopping you from doing this. Your brothers' and Mother have no say over your actions. If they don't like the contact, then that's tough. Perhaps remind your Mother that she won't be on this earth forever, and could she die, knowing she never bothered to even acknowledge her own grandson, or see him? Once she's dead, it's too late.

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 10:20

Thank you. It's also a legal right for over 18s to know who their parents are.

OP posts:
Oceanically · 30/04/2025 10:21

Badgertime · 30/04/2025 10:11

I've seen the photos and spoken to one brother. He's the spitting image. There's no doubt.

Show quote history

OK. Well, then I would, if that's what you want to do, emphasise that while you would like to see and get to know your nephew, you have absolutely no power to compel either of his possible fathers to do anything. I would just try to be quite explicit about this so as not to cause disappointment or resentment.

herownworstenemy · 30/04/2025 10:40

Your brothers and mother were shit then and they’re still shit now when it comes to this situation, don’t expect any change of attitude or sudden epiphany from any of them. Their religious leanings make them even shittier if anything. Balls to them, do what you want without considering their opinions.

This young man has contacted you which will have taken a lot of soul searching, he deserves the hand of love and friendship from you and your sisters and kids. It will take time but if he wants a family relationship with you go for it, let him know you were unaware and offer him the loving family he’s missed for so long. If he didn’t need it he wouldn’t have bothered to contact but if he does he will need tons of kindness and validation. Its not too late for you and your sisters to be fantastic aunties to him and for him to develop bonds with his cousins if that’s what he’d like.

Edited to add, gently let him know you can’t influence your brothers decisions about contact but you are his aunt and would love to have him in your life.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/04/2025 10:59

What appalling behaviour on their parts. How disgusting to deliberately leave your DN not knowing who his father is.

I seem to recall reading of a serious crime that took place years ago (somewhere in Scotland iirc) where the police knew for a fact that one of a pair of identical twins was the culprit, whilst the other was innocent; but they had to let the perpetrator go free, as there was no way of determining who it was without a confession - which the criminal brother refused to give, whilst his innocent brother obviously denied any involvement.

BestDIL · 30/04/2025 11:06

If you are sure that this lad is your nephew then yes, reach out as an auntie. Totally agree with @herownworstenemy

Richiewoo · 30/04/2025 11:11

There's fuck all Christian about your family. Welcome your nephew into your life. Leave the others to it.

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2025 11:20

Every time you speak to your mother you should say “Did Jesus say ‘suffer the little children’ or was it ‘ fuck them kids’ I always forget.”

DaisyPoppy7 · 30/04/2025 11:21

A horrible situation to find yourself in 👎🏻 you sound like a lovely kind woman.

A normal DNA test would not be able to conclude which of your brothers is the father given that they are identical. If both undertook a standard DNA test, and one of them was the biological father, both DNA tests would be positive. There are labs that will conduct full genome sequencing but you are talking £100k+ and the results will not be equal to that of a standard DNA test in a “typical” testing scenario I.e 99.8% confidence levels for your standard DNA test whereas the genome sequencing is more likely to be around 95%.

I know the above does not help emotionally. I do think it’s important for your nephew to understand he may never know who his dad is conclusively. Hopefully, science will progress even further but we are not quite there yet.

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 11:23

So I've just been told I have no loyality to my family by my brother!

OP posts:
Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 11:24

And my mum admitting she knew everything last night to now saying we can't judge by a photo. He could be anyone's!

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Scottishskifun · 30/04/2025 11:27

Badgertime · 30/04/2025 11:23

So I've just been told I have no loyality to my family by my brother!

Would appear your brother still doesn't want to face up to his potential responsibilities!

Unfortunately you cannot force either of them to do a detailed paternity test to find out who the dad is. The closest you can do is offer a DNA so that it proves related to your family (would be lower percentage as a aunt).
I do think your nephew has the right to know and your in the right btw

WitcheryDivine · 30/04/2025 11:28

I’d be meeting up with them if that’s what the young man or his mum want. Be the auntie if they want one.

I would also be sure not to make any promises to put pressure on your brothers or your mum - I might try in private but I wouldn’t want to raise hopes given they have been so shit for the last 25 years. In fact I’d try to stay out of talking about that aspect at all as it is fundamentally not within your control and only harm can come from it really.

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 11:29

Scottishskifun · 30/04/2025 11:27

Would appear your brother still doesn't want to face up to his potential responsibilities!

Unfortunately you cannot force either of them to do a detailed paternity test to find out who the dad is. The closest you can do is offer a DNA so that it proves related to your family (would be lower percentage as a aunt).
I do think your nephew has the right to know and your in the right btw

Show quote history

Brilliant idea! I will.

OP posts:
Vanfan · 30/04/2025 11:31

I think you are behaving in a more Christian manner than your Mum or brothers in considering ways to help this man. But if the only 'proof' is a photo that makes him look the spitting image of them I would urge but you and your nephew to get DNA tests done. It would at least show if he belongs to your family no matter who his father is.
I would hesitate to meet up before the results are out - only because it's human nature to establish connections and if the DNA test turns out that he is not a relative it will be more crushing for him.

deeahgwitch · 30/04/2025 11:33

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2025 11:20

Every time you speak to your mother you should say “Did Jesus say ‘suffer the little children’ or was it ‘ fuck them kids’ I always forget.”

Fabulous @pikkumyy77
A brilliant riposte.

deeahgwitch · 30/04/2025 11:34

Vanfan · 30/04/2025 11:31

I think you are behaving in a more Christian manner than your Mum or brothers in considering ways to help this man. But if the only 'proof' is a photo that makes him look the spitting image of them I would urge but you and your nephew to get DNA tests done. It would at least show if he belongs to your family no matter who his father is.
I would hesitate to meet up before the results are out - only because it's human nature to establish connections and if the DNA test turns out that he is not a relative it will be more crushing for him.

This is good advice.

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 11:34

Vanfan · 30/04/2025 11:31

I think you are behaving in a more Christian manner than your Mum or brothers in considering ways to help this man. But if the only 'proof' is a photo that makes him look the spitting image of them I would urge but you and your nephew to get DNA tests done. It would at least show if he belongs to your family no matter who his father is.
I would hesitate to meet up before the results are out - only because it's human nature to establish connections and if the DNA test turns out that he is not a relative it will be more crushing for him.

Yes, I agree with this.

OP posts: