Nephew kept secret from us.

[Badgertime]

This is very complicated and I don't want to give to much info.
I just don't know what to do and I'm upset.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in RL.

I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant. Each brother says the child is the other one's and has never taken any responsibility or tried to have contact with the child.
The child us now 25 and has own kids.
I thought my mum didn't know......

But she did all along and has never had contact either. She and brothers have hidden all this from me and my sisters for 25 years.

I only found out yesterday when his mum found me on FB pleading to know me and the family. She's tried to contact brothers many times but they don't want to know.
She fully admits her mistake and blames herself. She was 18.

Her son has contacted me and just wants to know who his father is.

I'm devastated for him and angry at the sane time.
I've spoken to my mum but she doesn't really want to know either atm saying she's old abd 'vulnerable' ( still manages to holiday and travel by herself all the time).

I'm so embarrassed as are my sisters.

Would I be wrong to have a chat with him to see if I can be the aunty I could have been?

Contact him. Even if your brothers are absolute pieces of shit, and your awful mum is no better, you can still have a relationship with your nephew, independent of those three. So can your sisters, so can your nephew's cousins.

I would 100% be in contact with him. If the three tosspots don't like it, tough.

It's your brothers and mother who have no loyalty to their own blood -a son/nephew and grandson!

Tell them that Jesus is disappointed in them

That depends on the religious teachings.

Luke 14:26

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple"

But you're right, OP is free to do whatever they feel is best.

You can get involved without your brothers permission
So getin touch
Do dna to check you related
Develop your relationship with them

Though OP's family do sound quite shit. Sometimes the family we've already got isn't worth much.

She might be willing to trade them in, if necessary, for a relationship with her nephew and his mother and might end up invited to his wedding or hosting or being hosted by them for Christmas down the line.

When one door shuts, another can open.

That's not quite the meaning of that chapter!

I would offer to do a DNA test to prove that you are his aunt.

Once that’s established, I would talk to the young man about what he wants from you. If he’s hoping that you’ll talk your brothers into doing a DNA and being in his life, that’s never going to happen and it’s best that you don’t meet because he’s going to be upset about being rejected again and could take out his anger on you. If he wants to know you as a person then it would be nice for you to enable that but he needs to be honest about the fact that seeing you doesn’t mean that there’s a chance that his grandmother and father will cave.

Your mother and brothers have behaved terribly. One thing for the brothers to try and wriggle out of things but your mother knows that this is her grandson - I can’t imagine being so cruel and going decades pretending that he doesn’t exist.

Is your nephew in counseling? I would be very concerned about his expectations about meeting you too. I met with a family member who I hadn’t seen in a long time because I understood why he was curious and hoped that his enthusiasm would die down once he could put a face to the name but it ended up with him being more keen for regular meet-ups than I was and it was awkward having to fade him out.

Do a dna test to prove he's tour nephew and then tell your brothers "one of you shitbags is this young man's father"

There's a lot of very good Christians out there but the ones like your family usually have a secret. My grandma was pious and angry when I decided to trace my family history. She would deliberately swnd wrong information to try and throw me off the track. Once I uncovered the skeletons it was obvious why.

If there’s a rock solid DNA test to determine paternity then I’d leave your mum and all other family out of this.
Get your brothers together and tell them they owe this young man a simple test so he’ll know who his biological father is. Read them the bloody riot act.

Well now you know they aren’t devout Christians. They are awful people who hide their disgusting behaviour behind Jesus.

You should tell them this. Your mother is disgusting for not telling your brothers to step up and be responsible.

I would be telling everyone what your brother did.

> I would think very carefully about what I was committing to. You can't badger your brothers into taking DNA tests

The girl/woman can insist they both supply DNA for a paternity test with the backing of the CSA

The child is 25 so there’s no child maintenance issues (it’s not backdated )

Well, it sort of is. I know the interpretation is the whole "don't love/worship anyone/thing above me vibe", a bit weird but there you go. But the Bible is full of stuff that can justify practically anything,

Psalm 137:9
"Happy the one who takes and dashes Your little ones against the rock!"

Leviticus 20:9
"For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him"

Commiserations OP, I come from a very Christian family with a lot of unchristian behaviour going on. It's painful. Sounds to me like the mother has done enough apologizing - surely the twin in question knew he was cheating too?

To echo some PPs, I think it's great that you're willing to be there for the mother and the nephew. But ultimately, what this boy wants probably is contact with his father. You've got to be careful to make clear from the start that this is not something you can provide.

There's no point you trying to be the go-between, given how ruthless your brothers and mother have been over this and how much you've suffered from their hypocrisy yourself. You can provide an aunt, but no access to the father.

To be clear, it's not saying to dash your little ones against a rock etc :-)

Your brother doesn't see the irony does he...he's the one who has showed no loyalty...potentially to his own son. Or at least his nephew...

You are doing right OP, all power to you.

You'd need whole-genome sequencing to know which twin was the father. It's not cheap.

A standard DNA test like ancestry could confirm you as an aunt. It would be a kindness to meet him, tell him about your brothers and give him some family pictures. If your sisters are willing they could meet him too. He should be told of nay family medical history.

Once you've met him if you think he's a son they should be proud of tell them that. If either brother has children there are half brothers and half sisters to meet too.

If my mother had ignored a grandson I'd be furious with her too.

That young man is extremely fortunate to have you as an aunt OP

Hang on. I’d tread really carefully here OP when it comes to revealing whether your brothers have other kids (who could be minors and, regardless, might just not want to be involved. That’s not your information to give) or about members of the wider family. I think you need to be hermetically sealed - not least because you don’t want to be dangling the forbidden fruit in front of this kid, but it’s all just a bit too much too soon

What do YOU want to do?

Do you want to have contact with your nephew? Are you prepared to do this behind your family's back or lose your family?

This is your decision to make, fully understanding the implications.

You know what the situation is. Its your decision to make. No one elses.

Brilliant answer. I completely agree.

I agree with @anyolddinosaur and @AmandaHoldensLips

You should take a DNA test using a trusted third-party provider to establish if you are the aunt. If yes, you can meet your nephew. But remember, you do not know him, his character, his values or his motivations. Just slowly get to know him.

I agree that your family owes this young man an accurate medical history...at the very very very minimum.

Good luck with this tough situation OP!

I really appreciate all your replies and different thoughts. It's really helped me so much today not really having anyone to confide in.

Sadly, I have told his mum that I've spoken to them and it seems they are not interested in establishing any relationship or DNA testing. But I felt I needed to be up front or they will continue to search for something they can't find.

I have said I'll keep lines of communication open with them however and she's very grateful for that.

This has damaged our family even more no doubt but to keep a secret from me for 25 years has made me very upset. When I think of what it 'could' have been if they'd just been mature enough to do the right thing. Of course the real victim is the poor lad. I'm angry for him.

I'll never see my brothers or my mum (albeit fairly dim already) in the same light again.