Nephew kept secret from us.

[Badgertime]

This is very complicated and I don't want to give to much info.
I just don't know what to do and I'm upset.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in RL.

I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant. Each brother says the child is the other one's and has never taken any responsibility or tried to have contact with the child.
The child us now 25 and has own kids.
I thought my mum didn't know......

But she did all along and has never had contact either. She and brothers have hidden all this from me and my sisters for 25 years.

I only found out yesterday when his mum found me on FB pleading to know me and the family. She's tried to contact brothers many times but they don't want to know.
She fully admits her mistake and blames herself. She was 18.

Her son has contacted me and just wants to know who his father is.

I'm devastated for him and angry at the sane time.
I've spoken to my mum but she doesn't really want to know either atm saying she's old abd 'vulnerable' ( still manages to holiday and travel by herself all the time).

I'm so embarrassed as are my sisters.

Would I be wrong to have a chat with him to see if I can be the aunty I could have been?

It’s grim this story is somehow better knowing that she decided to fuck two brothers.

Never2many · Today 12:10

Let’s not paint the girl as some kind of victim here. Nobody in this shitshow has behaved particularly admirably, her included.
Sounds like she has admitted that. But for a mistake that lasted a few minutes (and took two to tango), she and her son have been punished/left completely alone for 25 years.

So girl shags a pair of identical twins and gets pregnant. Has a child but says nothing because she doesn’t know who the father is, and because of the twin element there literally is no way of finding out.
It is complicated. However nephew/uncle is still a family connection that they have also ignored.

Meanwhile both brothers deny paternity, and while on the face of it it seems awful, the fact is that there was no knowing which of them is the father. If anything the brother who was the OM in this situation is the worst because the other brother didn’t necessarily do anything wrong until the girl slept with his brother.
Yes and it would have been upsetting to be cheated on. But he has hardly been the model of forgiveness since.

...TBH while I don’t agree with secrecy I can also see why your brothers kept it from anyone because there was literally no way to resolve it.
I disagree with that. It's a nightmare but father or uncle - they washed their hands of all roles.

By all means contact the nephew, but do bear in mind that his wish is to get to know his father. And that’s just not going to be possible. So you need to make that clear in terms of what you can offer him.
I suspect that once he realises he’s not going to be able to find out who his father is, he likely won’t want a relationship with you either, as the father is the goal.
Or he might be happy to have found an auntie or two.
As long as OP says her brothers won't come round so no expectations (although I'd imagine the ignored pleas for 25 years might be a bit of a tell)...

It's obviously not your fault the way your brothers have behaved. How awful for the poor kid.
It's almost like you'd imagine the two of them plotting together and saying if we blame it on eachother then neither of us will have to own up to being the dad?! Disgraceful.

I'm so sorry about how your ex treated you and kids also. I hope you can seek counselling and move on. If I were you I'd definitely be happy to offer myself as a positive and kind family member to your nephew. You sound very loving and caring.

Your family have acted awfully.
If you're happy to potentially have a relationship with your nephew, go for it.
Offer a DNA at the least, as your brothers will not.

They could have been up front about the situation and both taken on an uncle role to the boy, split maintenance or something like that. They could have.

Do you know for sure that she intended to sleep with both of them? How identical are they? Could they have tricked her into doing it?

Nobody seems to be painting the girl as a victim, where is that coming from? She was young, she had sex, inadvised to do that with twin brothers but her/their child is not at fault. OP doesn’t say if the girl raised her child as a single parent or if she married/had support but maintenance hasn’t been mentioned either, she doesn’t seem to have chased either of the brothers for money as she could easily have done while her child was growing up, and since the ‘child’ is now 25 that seems unlikely. Until money is mentioned take it at face value, a young man wanting to know where he comes from.

I agree with another poster that there are a few things going on separately here. The situation with the young man needs sensitive handling, and the brothers & grandma are appalling people. The OPs situation with her ex is doubtless making this feel very raw but isn’t that what always happens, we change and grow through experience. Her ex being crap doesn’t make her brothers & mother any more or less crap but it will give OP a different perspective and clarity. The OPs feelings are all perfectly valid in all of this.

Yes, I think it's brought out a lot of resentment and emotion personally tbh which is why I'm not taking this lightly.

I am a family solicitor and have been involved in a very similar case. And unfortunately in the UK there was no test that would definitively tell us which twin was the father.

The first reply nails it perfectly, @Badgertime.

I don't blame you for being angry and hurt, but you are an amazing person for wanting to step up for this lad and his mum.

Thank you. I think most would would though. 🥲

For me, the right thing to do would be to get to know my nephew (and his children). I would definitely offer my DNA to prove/disprove that you are family if your twin brothers continue to refuse.

If the rest of the family don't like it, that's up to them.

Cripes, doesn't the Bible have rather a lot to say about hypocrites?!

I agree that you'd be doing this boy a service by offering your DNA to be treated, even if it only gives him a partial answer. And then, yes, be his aunt!

Poor him, and poor you.

Oh that’s awful! And what is it that she thinks she did wrong as an 18 year old
who got pregnant.

i would very much contact the nephew if he wanted it and I would tell brothers what absolute shits theybare

Good on you for making clear to the young man who his paternal relatives are, or aren't. That in itself is important for him to know.
If it turns out that you are related, you can inform your brothers and suggest that they contact him. You can't change their mind if they don't want to form a relationhsip with him, unfortunately.

You could suggest that both contribute to a lump sum monetary fund for him - it would come in handy for a house deposit. It would be a way for your brothers to make some amends.

It's sad that your mother didn't want to know her own grandchild. As for your brothers, they've had 25 years to grow up and face this responsibility and that didn't happen.

Do not get me started on them being outspoken Christians and behaving this way. I'm sure they have justified all of their decisions to themselves.

I wouldn't condone their choices. Provide your DNA sample to prove there is a biological connection. From there, if you want to have a relationship with your nephew, you should. He's family, after all, from the sounds of it.

As for your brothers and mother, it's their loss.

I hate hypocritical Christians, preaching to others publicly and getting up to all sorts in private.

Your family have behaved horribly to the mother of this adult child. I think you should try and build a relationship with them both, if that is what you would like to do.

Are your gobshite brothers by any chance the apples of mummies eye? So she blames the girl/child for the two of them falling out and spoiling her perfect Christian family?

Poor bloke.

You sound like a really nice person. Don’t let your family bully you over this. Your brothers sound awful, even in the weird circumstances. I really feel for the child (adult now) at the centre of this.

I wondered that @TiredCatLady , nasty girl forcing sex on her precious God fearing boys ! A DNA test would prove he was related and would mean your Mum would have to face up to knowing she had abandoned her grandchild, although it sounds as though she was well aware that is exactly what she did.

Similar situation happened in our family they they were just brothers (& younger) & honestly ... Keep the door open but don't get too involved

He needs contact with his father which you can't provide & unless he wants an aunty then there's no long term chance for yous

And they say Mary Wesley was inventing all her storylines. Life is weirder than fiction, I think.

Thank you. Thst means a lot.

No doubt!

He is your family.. he's forgetting that point.

Poor boy never knowing who his father is.

Thanks for the advice.