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Original poster

Nephew kept secret from us.

119 replies

Badgertime · 30/04/2025 09:40

This is very complicated and I don't want to give to much info.
I just don't know what to do and I'm upset.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in RL.

I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant. Each brother says the child is the other one's and has never taken any responsibility or tried to have contact with the child.
The child us now 25 and has own kids.
I thought my mum didn't know......

But she did all along and has never had contact either. She and brothers have hidden all this from me and my sisters for 25 years.

I only found out yesterday when his mum found me on FB pleading to know me and the family. She's tried to contact brothers many times but they don't want to know.
She fully admits her mistake and blames herself. She was 18.

Her son has contacted me and just wants to know who his father is.

I'm devastated for him and angry at the sane time.
I've spoken to my mum but she doesn't really want to know either atm saying she's old abd 'vulnerable' ( still manages to holiday and travel by herself all the time).

I'm so embarrassed as are my sisters.

Would I be wrong to have a chat with him to see if I can be the aunty I could have been?

OP posts:
Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 15:16

My2cents1975 · 30/04/2025 15:03

I agree with @anyolddinosaur and @AmandaHoldensLips

You should take a DNA test using a trusted third-party provider to establish if you are the aunt. If yes, you can meet your nephew. But remember, you do not know him, his character, his values or his motivations. Just slowly get to know him.

I agree that your family owes this young man an accurate medical history...at the very very very minimum.

Good luck with this tough situation OP!

Yes, I need to be cautious and am looking into that dna test.

OP posts:
Never2many · 30/04/2025 15:16

The girl/woman can insist they both supply DNA for a paternity test with the backing of the CSA

No. He’s 25, the CMS aren’t going to be involved.

I think part of the key here though is whether he’s prepared to do a DNA test with the OP.

The harsh truth is that the brothers aren’t going to be prepared to do a DNA test, so it has to come from the OP.

But OP you do also need to be careful what you’re exposing the family to. Not the brothers, but their potential other children. As hard as it is, it’s not your place to involve this young man in their lives or vice versa. Yes some will say that the brothers are responsible for this and the children have a right to know, but it’s not for you to tell them, especially as you don’t actually know many of the circumstances, you don’t know this man, who he is, or what he’s like.

Original poster
Badgertime · 30/04/2025 15:19

Never2many · 30/04/2025 15:16

The girl/woman can insist they both supply DNA for a paternity test with the backing of the CSA

No. He’s 25, the CMS aren’t going to be involved.

I think part of the key here though is whether he’s prepared to do a DNA test with the OP.

The harsh truth is that the brothers aren’t going to be prepared to do a DNA test, so it has to come from the OP.

But OP you do also need to be careful what you’re exposing the family to. Not the brothers, but their potential other children. As hard as it is, it’s not your place to involve this young man in their lives or vice versa. Yes some will say that the brothers are responsible for this and the children have a right to know, but it’s not for you to tell them, especially as you don’t actually know many of the circumstances, you don’t know this man, who he is, or what he’s like.

Yes, I agree. The brother who's child they think it is does not have any other children.
My other brother's are grown up but I would not reveal any details. As you said, it's not my place.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/04/2025 15:22

After all this time I would let it go and keep out of it. Up to you though.

LoveItaly · 30/04/2025 15:27

I see that Christianity bashers are having a field day with this post. I wonder if any other religions would receive such condemnation, were the family involved of that faith. I suspect not.

alisnwnderland · 30/04/2025 15:27

I'm really sorry that your brothers and mum are behaving so badly. The only loyalty you should be worrying about is to your own conscience. I hope that you, your children and your nephew are able to salvage something worthwhile and enjoyable from this difficult situation.

TheWombatleague · 30/04/2025 15:38

Datafan55 · 30/04/2025 14:19

To be clear, it's not saying to dash your little ones against a rock etc :-)

Show quote history

I know, it's saying blessed are the ones who dash the enemies of the Jew's children against the rocks.

IndigoViolent · 30/04/2025 18:26

You’ve done the right thing in being upfront with this woman about your family’s attitude. No point in giving her false hope.

Now you have to be equally honest about what she and her son might want from you next. If you do meet the son, he’s likely to put pressure on you to lean on your brothers; to use powers of persuasion you don’t have. Are you prepared to have to repeatedly tell him there’s nothing you can do? Because that’s the reality of it. Your brothers and mother actively kept this from you - there’s zero reason to suppose they’ll be interested in your opinion on the topic now after 25 years.

What if you do meet the son and he isn’t interested in an auntie if she’s not part of the package with a father? Alternatively, what if he’s too interested and wants more than you can give? You can hardly bond over lovely family stories. This is not a Long Lost Family story where a young woman forced to give up her child and who never stopped thinking about him gets to meet an understanding adult. This is someone whose potential fathers didn’t want him and still don’t want him. See you prepared to try to build a relationship knowing this is the background?

I’m not necessarily saying there’s no future at all. But you need to be very realistic.

LavenderFields7 · 30/04/2025 18:43

Twin testing can be done, my friend had it done, cost about £950.

anyolddinosaur · 30/04/2025 18:59

The young man will already know the score, there's no reason to think he'll put more pressure on her. He may not be interested in an ongoing relationship with an aunt (and cousins?) but he may be. The only way she'll find out is to meet him.

Maybe they'll discover they have interests in common, maybe they wont. Again only way to find out is to meet.

When people realise their little secret is out in the open and at least some of their relatives disapprove it can change their attitude.

Personally I think adults kids have a right to know they have a half brother or cousin.

Catoo · 30/04/2025 19:07

I’m part of a family on the other side of a situation like this. I would say if you want to meet your nephew do so. He will appreciate someone on his father’s side acknowledging him and stepping up.

microwoods · 30/04/2025 19:11

We had a secret sibling reveal in our family! Our father was contacted in his 60s by someone claiming to be his half brother (via a shared father) and was 10 years older. My dad didn’t want to be involved at first as his dad had died decades earlier but he went ahead and DNA test confirmed it. They formed a lovely relationship but unfortunately his brother died 5 years later. My dad had always been sad to be an only child and I think he ended up feeling a bit robbed of all that time. Do the DNA test OP! X

IndigoViolent · 30/04/2025 20:21

The young man will already know the score, there's no reason to think he'll put more pressure on her.

Even though the OP says he and his mother have tried several times to contact the potential fathers? And that the woman was “pleading to know me and my family”?

None of this suggests he “knows the score”.

Sagealicious · 30/04/2025 21:45

LoveItaly · 30/04/2025 15:27

I see that Christianity bashers are having a field day with this post. I wonder if any other religions would receive such condemnation, were the family involved of that faith. I suspect not.

It's not bashing Christianity but rather bashing those who claim to be Christian but behave in a hypocritical non Christian manner.

anyolddinosaur · 01/05/2025 07:45

@IndigoViolent He knows neither of the potential fathers are interested, he wants to know more about his family background. He may decide when he's met OP that he doesnt actually want to have anything to do with any of them. He can satisfy his curiosity, learn how shit his potential fathers are, get the medical information he should have, get a photo of someone who looks like him - not sure why but this is a common want. Do you have any idea what it's like to be asked about family history by your doctors and have to say I dont know, none of the family ever wanted to have anything to do with me?

IndigoViolent · 01/05/2025 08:28

This is all supposition. I’m just saying OP should prepare herself.

Unless you are the man involved, you can’t be sure he’ll be happy with a few medical questions.

anyolddinosaur · 01/05/2025 10:27

You are suggesting she "prepare" as if the young man was planning to be a nuisance. You said "he’s likely to put pressure on you to lean on your brothers; to use powers of persuasion you don’t have." That is supposition. I've been acquainted with a number of people in this young man's situation or similar situations (adoptees), my experience is that they are too aware of the possibility of further rejection to risk the little contact they have.

IndigoViolent · 01/05/2025 13:00

You are suggesting she "prepare" as if the young man was planning to be a nuisance. You said "he’s likely to put pressure on you to lean on your brothers; to use powers of persuasion you don’t have." That is supposition.

That is why I said “this is all supposition”. Meaning your comments AND mine. Neither of us know.

Why wouldn’t OP prepare herself for this? If it turns out he just wants her to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t know about you - by the way, you might want to mention a family history of glaucoma next time you go to the optician’s”, she hasn’t lost anything, has she? There’s absolutely zero harm in being mentally prepared for more.

Christmaschildcare · 10/08/2025 20:54

How are things @Badgertime x

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