Nephew kept secret from us.

[Badgertime]

This is very complicated and I don't want to give to much info.
I just don't know what to do and I'm upset.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about it in RL.

I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant. Each brother says the child is the other one's and has never taken any responsibility or tried to have contact with the child.
The child us now 25 and has own kids.
I thought my mum didn't know......

But she did all along and has never had contact either. She and brothers have hidden all this from me and my sisters for 25 years.

I only found out yesterday when his mum found me on FB pleading to know me and the family. She's tried to contact brothers many times but they don't want to know.
She fully admits her mistake and blames herself. She was 18.

Her son has contacted me and just wants to know who his father is.

I'm devastated for him and angry at the sane time.
I've spoken to my mum but she doesn't really want to know either atm saying she's old abd 'vulnerable' ( still manages to holiday and travel by herself all the time).

I'm so embarrassed as are my sisters.

Would I be wrong to have a chat with him to see if I can be the aunty I could have been?

If the girl was 18 when she gave birth, was she 17 when she got pregnant? And how old were your brothers at the time?

Despicable behaviour from your brothers and your mum, that poor girl having to raise a child alone and your poor nephew having two such repellent potential fathers.

At least you now have your response for every time they say something devout or criticise you ‘Christ wouldn’t have walked away from his child or nephew and refused to meet them, seems to me you have a lot of work to do to be a real Christian’. ‘Mum you abandoned your grandchild, you have some nerve criticising my behaviour.’

In which case you and the nephew can both do an Ancestry DNA kit and you should come back as relatives of each other (unless your mother has secrets of her own to hide!).

It's rather hypocritical to say you don't have loyalty to your family, whilst literally trying to determine if the boy is a member of your family!

As PP have said, you can't force either of your brothers to do a test. The mum probably could have in earlier years if she'd wanted to, to back up a CMS claim, so the opportunity is now lost if he is over the age of 18 (unless he's still in approved education or training - she might be able to apply now if so).

All you can do is acknowledge that he's part of your family and get to know him. It will likely damage the relationship with your Mum and brothers further, but that is already damaged now, given the secret they've all hidden and their reaction now.

Poor kid.
And the mum being so young no judgement here, we are all capable of misjudged behaviour at that age. I would wonder was she a bit vulnerable at the time as well.
I think your brothers are a pair of shits and your mother is worse.
Get to know this young man and his mum. I did a DNA test on ancestry I am sure at the least it could confirm he’s related to you.
And then go gently. It can be full of raw emotion meeting ‘new’ family but it can create issues because you could be very different. However, it could also go well. To give this lad a sense of family from you and your sisters and his cousins, it’s not the same as knowing his dad but it will help.
What’s the place where Jesus was denied? I would rename your brothers after that… the Gardeners of Gethsemane!

Loyalty? Your brother sounds like a bully. Delightful family you have there OP. If this was my brother and mother I’d be discussing the situation with their vicar (in earshot of the ladies who do the teas), just to get it out in the open and have their religious community side eye-ing them. A brace of tutting parishioners is the punishment they deserve.

Make contact, organise a DNA test and if its positive crack on with a relationship.

Somebody in this mess deserves a family’s care and understanding, and so far its not the brother or the grandma.

Why would you be 'loyal' to people who have unprotected sex and then abandon the resulting child? Or their/your mother who abandoned a grandchild? Such behaviour does not instil 'loyalty' in others, rather it destroys any that you might have felt in the past. You can't un-see this new information about your family, and it can only colour how you now see them.

"The worst thing is they claim to be devout Christians and preach to me all the time!"
I'd be telling them they are hypocrites from now on, each and every time they laid any claim to Christianity. 'Is that what Jesus would have done - slept around and abandoned his child?'

In your shoes I would offer a DNA test with my DNA so that your nephew at least has that. And I would establish contact with my new-found nephew.

"I have twin brothers. They both slept with someone around the same time. She got pregnant."

A thought has just occurred to me, based on how shitty your brothers have behaved. Identical twins. Did she know she had slept with both of them?

I'm not sure. Maybe that's what they're worried about?

Yes, she cheated on one with the other. She's admitted that.

Yes because if that is the case one of them would be guilty of rape and one guilty of assisting a rape potentially.

So this could be dark?!

She's said it was all consensual to me and it was her mistake etc...but maybe they do want info for the reason? Idk

Anyone who claims to be entitled to your loyalty is not to be trusted.

That’s hilarious, man who ignores his own child speaks of family loyalty!

What would Jesus do? Jesus would welcome his nephew. Your brothers are shits and should be praying for their own souls.

No if she knows she slept with them both on a consensual basis that is entirely different. Your post about her knowingly cheating crossed with mine.

Thank God for that.

I would offer your nephew a dna test with yourself so he has proof that you are related. I know there is no doubt in this for you but if it makes him feel better to know for sure it’s something you can give him. He will have to accept he will never know which of your brothers is his father.

Considering one of your brothers cheated with his twins gf are they close now? I imagine that sort of betrayal would have been hard to get over and perhaps why they threw the gf and their son under the bus in order to repress those feelings. Doing that to your twin is unforgivable but also they are grown men now and should face up to the situation. Your nephew deserves better.

Yes, I've always had this problem in my family.
This scenario is just one of many during my upbringing and adulthood that has impacted me psychologically a lot!

That's a bit bloody rich coming from someone who abandoned his own child/nephew (uncle being also a strong family link ... normally).

Agree with PPs and do whatever dna test you can .. And then go forward carefully with your new nephew.

No, they can't stand each other!

Many Christians are a lot nicer than this and, whilst we screw up all the time, I hope wouldn't behave like this.

I know this and have many wonderful Christian friends.
I am certainly not tainting all Christians.
My own family has been a whole show though clothed in righteousness on the outside, with hell going on the inside.

Many Christians do it right.

I’ll go against the grain a bit here.

Whilst it’s clear-cut your brothers and mum are shits, I do think it’s worth considering the practical reality of “becoming an aunt”.

What is “family”? I’ve cut off blood relations because their treatment is what matters, not blood. In a similar vein, although he may biologically be your nephew, you can’t really fully treat him like family. No family Christmases, he won’t be there when Cousin Jane gets married etc etc. Surely this fizzles out with him and you may have been emotionally depleted.

Let’s not paint the girl as some kind of victim here. Nobody in this shitshow has behaved particularly admirably, her included.

So girl shags a pair of identical twins and gets pregnant. Has a child but says nothing because she doesn’t know who the father is, and because of the twin element there literally is no way of finding out.

Meanwhile both brothers deny paternity, and while on the face of it it seems awful, the fact is that there was no knowing which of them is the father. If anything the brother who was the OM in this situation is the worst because the other brother didn’t necessarily do anything wrong until the girl slept with his brother.

And realistically how do you have a relationship with a child who you don’t know whether they’re yours or not and there’s no way of finding out.

Yes DNA will prove that they’re related, but it’s not possible for either brother to be pursued for maintenance because it’s not possible to confirm paternity.

TBH while I don’t agree with secrecy I can also see why your brothers kept it from anyone because there was literally no way to resolve it.

By all means contact the nephew, but do bear in mind that his wish is to get to know his father. And that’s just not going to be possible. So you need to make that clear in terms of what you can offer him.

I suspect that once he realises he’s not going to be able to find out who his father is, he likely won’t want a relationship with you either, as the father is the goal.

I think it's really important not to conflate the two issues.

Your family have behaved disgracefully. As has your ex. I think you're potentially very vulnerable and may likely be projecting some of your own pain here.

I'd definitely reach out if you wish to but a. I'd go and seek some counselling and b. Take things very very slowly.

You have a lot to contend with right now and I think a good therapist will be able to help you navigate these two, very separate, head-melting situations.

Yes, I get this and she's apologised numerous times to my brothers. I get the hurt and pain caused but I think for their own sanity and the child, they should put the uncertainty to bed.
He is 25 now so I don't think maintenance would come into it?