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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me for a teenager

530 replies

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 11:36

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 28/04/2025 14:28

Don't do the pick me dance that's what he's wanting.
Read into grey rock technique and also get your ducks in a row see if you can find any paperwork and photograph it so pensions, bank accounts, savings etc.
Do you have a joint account and would he abuse that? If so you can take half out for a buffer same with joint savings.

BigHeadBertha · 28/04/2025 14:29

About his ridiculous gaslighting texts, I would not dignify them with a response.

His barely legal teen porn fantasy crush has most certainly dumped him already.

Now he's scrambling, trying to insinuate that you are somehow to blame for what a creepy idiot he is but can have him back if you beg.

He's already getting what he deserves. Please sit back and enjoy it. :)

Tweedled · 28/04/2025 14:31

Who the hell does he think he is asking if you want to fight. You have no need to fight, you’ve done nothing wrong except marry and make a life with a cheating scumbag.
The teenager isn’t going to hang around for long so he will be back with his tail between his legs wanting his feet back under the table.
He doesn’t deserve you.

GameOfJones · 28/04/2025 14:32

Imagine being 36 and leaving your wife and kids for an actual teenage girl and moving back to your parents. That's so pathetic it beggars belief.

Absolutely this. I'm 37 and the thought of any kind of relationship with a 19 year old is sickening. He is a predatory douchebag.

Don't reply to his message. I would go full grey rock now. Set up an email folder and an automatic forward rule for any messages from him or just set up a new email account specifically for communicating with him regarding arrangements for seeing the children.

Arancia · 28/04/2025 14:35

What a disgusting little man. The girl is barely an adult, yuck.

nopineapplepizza · 28/04/2025 14:37

Honestly, people fight to keep nonces out of their family, not in them 🙄

If a married man in his late 30s with two kids wants to have an inappropriate relationship with a teenager, he needs to realise that people are going to look at him sideways for the rest of his life (& keep their daughters away from him).

He’s grim.

Cyclebabble · 28/04/2025 14:39

Ignore his fairly blatant attempt at making this about if you will "fight for him". My advice. Whilst he is out change the locks. As soon as it dawns on the[no morals] 19 year old that this relationship means taking him on as a wife (bet he did nothing round the house?) and also becoming a step mother, it is highly likely she will ditch him. He thinks at the moment that if he does this he can come back and just say it has all been a big mistake [whilst waiting for the next opportunity to get off with someone younger]. Here you must be strong. Make sure he cannot come back, deal only on admin matters for the children and make really clear to everyone why this is [he will lie to them and tell them it was down to you]. Then take as much as possible for you and the children in the divorce. You are worth much more than this OP.

Elektra1 · 28/04/2025 14:39

What a tool. The shock takes a while to subside (this has happened to me too), but it will and it sounds like you’re well supported so lean on that support.

As for “don’t you want to fight for our family?” IGNORE and don’t be tempted to play the “pick me” game. He’s already shown you how much he values you. If he thinks he’s some kind of prize for his women to fight over, he’s mistaken.

Zanatdy · 28/04/2025 14:43

It’s him who should be fighting for his family, not you. Cheek of it.

Inbloom123 · 28/04/2025 14:43

My god, what an absolute loser he is.

Tlittle · 28/04/2025 14:46

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Similar happened to me last year although his was a similar age to him.
Six months have now passed and I feel so much better and his relationship is apparently going down the pan. To get over him I channeled my sadness at the situation into anger.
I hope you ace the interview, you and your kids will be fine X

333FionaG · 28/04/2025 14:48

I hope you’re doing okay OP and sooner or later you’ll realise you dodged a bullet with this pathetic little man

Goodluckanddontfitup · 28/04/2025 14:49

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Cheeky rat! Trying to turn it round on you now to be the one to make the decision that your marriage is over. No, he did that the minute he started this up with this 19 year old. This is all on him and it’s not on you now to try and fix it. Yes he probably will or is regretting it but it’s too late now, the trust is gone. It will be hard in the short term but you deserve a lot better than this and will be much better off without him.

FiveBarGate · 28/04/2025 14:56

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Tell him to stay out of your way/stay somewhere else until after your interview (,you don't need to tell him that's the reason).

Give yourself breathing space. You don't need to decide anything yet.

Put all big decisions and communication with him on hold while you regroup.

You can use the time to get ducks in a row as well if you want to.

You are still young, he is the idiot here not you. His desire for her does not mean you are not worthy in any way. It means he is an immature idiot.

Head high time or at least fake it til you make it for a week.

It can all be dealt with once you've acted that interview.

BruFord · 28/04/2025 14:57

Aizen · 28/04/2025 12:21

I think I'd do everything on a dedicated email just for this. No talking will solve it ever now so I wouldn't engage verbally. Arrange everything via email, picking up his stuff, time with the kids, anything and everything. All in one place. Yes I know there will be times when you have to see him but overall do all communications by email.

So sorry about this, but you sound like a strong woman, and best of luck. Others who (sadly) have been through similar will advise you more.

Good advice from @Aizen. Don't respond to texts, set up a dedicated email address to communicate with him. This will help you to carefully think over your responses instead of quickly replying to a text and perhaps later regretting what you say or agree to.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 28/04/2025 14:57

alcoholnightmare · 28/04/2025 12:04

He’s having regrets already, no doubt about it. Again though, I could never be with a 36yr old who’s “in love” with a 19yr old. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
great news about having already planned the presentation… what day is it? I’m really routing for you.

This^^

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/04/2025 15:01

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

“No I don’t want to fight for someone who has massively betrayed me and is a dirty pervert going after teenage girls. Thanks though.”

>>> don’t actually send this. Don’t engage or even reply at all until after your interview. Then contact him through your solicitor.

OP the best revenge will be acing this interview and showing him you can be happy and successful without him. He will regret it but you can never trust him again. You deserve better. Hugs 💕

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:12

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Do you want to fight for your family?!?

He should be the one begging you for forgiveness if he doesn’t want the family torn apart

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:14

Silvers11 · 28/04/2025 12:05

Sounds like the 19 year old has knocked him back, once she realised he has told you and then left you, tbh

Show quote history

Quite possibly

The OP should contact the girl and ask her about their relationship

Pinkmagic1 · 28/04/2025 15:16

My ex husband did similar, she was 23 and he was 46 when it first started. Our son is just 4 years younger than her!
Take care of yourself and stay strong. You will rise from this and be happier without this dirty waste of space. He will be the loser in the situation as there is no way this relationship will last.

restbite · 28/04/2025 15:19

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:14

Quite possibly

The OP should contact the girl and ask her about their relationship

Show quote history

Really?

I would retain my dignity and not contact either of them

MyDeftDuck · 28/04/2025 15:20

FFS…he is old enough to be her father! What an utter shit!

I wonder how impressed her parents are that she has wrecked a family. And his parents must be so proud of him…….NOT!

Take care of yourself OP and focus on the job interview and it is also on him to tell your children.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 28/04/2025 15:24

He is not the man you thought him - OP Flowers
A teen! He is exactly the sort of man you would fight away from your family!

The best reply to his odd message is silence.

He clearly expected you to do the 'pick me dance' and is still waiting.

How poor is his moral compass. What an ego he has.