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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me for a teenager

530 replies

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 11:36

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

OP posts:
StClabberts · 28/04/2025 15:26

nopineapplepizza · 28/04/2025 14:37

Honestly, people fight to keep nonces out of their family, not in them 🙄

If a married man in his late 30s with two kids wants to have an inappropriate relationship with a teenager, he needs to realise that people are going to look at him sideways for the rest of his life (& keep their daughters away from him).

He’s grim.

That is a superb line.

DamnUserName21 · 28/04/2025 15:27

You can't see it yet, OP, but good riddance to the cliqued sad fucker!

Be wary of doing the pick-me dance and letting the pathetic git back when he wants when things don't work out with the teenager.

Focus on both your own needs and the children right now - not on him.

UC will help with childcare, not housing costs due to mortgage. You may need to show some sort of proof that H has left. Remove him from council tax.

DamnUserName21 · 28/04/2025 15:30

If you can, transfer utilities to your name and get H to set up a monthly child maintenance payment. Can you claim child benefit?

Do not discuss your income (whether promotion increase or benefits) with H. Do not tell him you have applied for any benefits.

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:32

restbite · 28/04/2025 15:19

Really?

I would retain my dignity and not contact either of them

Show quote history

Yes, I would want to know if the reason that he seems to be having doubts and is asking the Op if she wants to fight for the marriage is because the young girl went cold on him when he said that he left his wife for her

My2cents1975 · 28/04/2025 15:33

OP, I wish you and your two children well. So sorry you are in this awful situation.

-Do whatever it takes to ace that interview
-If your mom / best friend is with you, they hold your phone until after the interview. And perhaps a little after that so you have time to get yourself together
-Get a lawyer
-See a financial planner at your bank
-As @Aizen said, written communication only just to be safe.

-Stop posting online! Please. So far it has been mostly reasonable advice, but strangers have no idea of any nuances to your situation. Your parents, siblings and friends are there for you. Lean into that.

Take care of yourself OP.

OchreRaven · 28/04/2025 15:35

Pinkmagic1 · 28/04/2025 15:16

My ex husband did similar, she was 23 and he was 46 when it first started. Our son is just 4 years younger than her!
Take care of yourself and stay strong. You will rise from this and be happier without this dirty waste of space. He will be the loser in the situation as there is no way this relationship will last.

@Pinkmagic1 sorry to hear that. Did your ex-H relationship with the 23 year old work out?

SmooothMoooves · 28/04/2025 15:37

What? Will you fight for your family? I’m sorry, when did this become your responsibility? How about would he keep it in his pants for his family? Would he rebuff the advances of a child for his family? (Although I suspect it was the other way around - at 19 I wouldn’t have looked once at a 36yo married dad of 2 let alone twice).

I have the ick for you OP. Utterly gross.

Wintersgirl · 28/04/2025 15:38

iwentjasonwaterfalls · 28/04/2025 12:05

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family.

Erm, what the fuck?

My response (probably not sent, but definitely thought) would be "I'll fight for my kids, but not the prick who's just run off with a teenager from the chippy".

Show quote history

What a fucking flaming cheek...what a dickhead

restbite · 28/04/2025 15:38

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:32

Yes, I would want to know if the reason that he seems to be having doubts and is asking the Op if she wants to fight for the marriage is because the young girl went cold on him when he said that he left his wife for her

Show quote history

but that does not matter, the betrayal has already happened, I would find that unforgivable.

Hastentoadd · 28/04/2025 15:41

restbite · 28/04/2025 15:38

but that does not matter, the betrayal has already happened, I would find that unforgivable.

Show quote history

I would still want to know if the girl rejected him, maybe just for satisfaction, maybe to rub it in his face

Beastiesandthebeauty · 28/04/2025 15:50

Woah do you want to fight for your family?!?! Please please don't!!

Noshowlomo · 28/04/2025 15:53

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/04/2025 14:04

I'm totally on the OP's side. Why are you calling the 19 year old names? Pretty vile.

I would be cheering you on if you were referring to the OP's husband. He deserves every ounce of vitriol. Please though don't get on the 'OW bandwagon'. This is a 19 year old woman, not fully-formed and behaving badly. She'll learn.

Show quote history

I was talking about the OPs husband. He is a chip shop cunt. The 19 year old should know better but he’s entirely responsible here

Sodthesystem · 28/04/2025 15:53

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

He's a sick bastard who wants his ego stroked. Likes the idea of you begging for him to come back.

Either that or like you said, it's not worked out. She probably just thought it was a bit of fun and now he's left you shes pulling back.

Either way, let him lie in his bed. Do not take him back. He's a 'creepy old man' and you're well shot. Focus on getting as much sleep and good food, walks and sunlight as possible and being ready for your job interview.

I wonder if it's a coincidence he tells you now about the cheating...it may be timed to distract you from success. Has he form for ruining special occasions, putting your dreams and a achievements down or suddenly needing to be the centre of attention when you are really busy with another situation? All could indicate him having a narcissistic personality disorder or similar. Basically, a parasite.

All else aside, seize your freedom with both hands. And hold onto it.

Nominative · 28/04/2025 15:55

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Tell him you're not stupid enough to fall for that one, and that he'll have to make his own decision whether he wants to fight for his family.

Karatema · 28/04/2025 16:00

My DS did similar to his DW. I love my son but recognise what an idiot he is!
I support my DiL as much as I can but it’s hard because I still work FT.
My DS uses my DiL as support because she’s kind but she’s said she won’t have him back - good for her!
The OW thought she was onto a good thing but forgot most of his money goes to his DC so she’s been disappointed when she wants to go away!

Mischance · 28/04/2025 16:03

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Do you want to fight for your family!
Dear me .... what can he be thinking of? Just say no. Tell him you have seen his true colours and you have no wish to build your family' s future happiness around them.
Go ace that interview!

perfectlyimperfectt · 28/04/2025 16:04

Easier said than done, but get yourself out of bed, have a nice shower, chuck a face mask on and have a self care night once the kids go to bed. Get up tomorrow and go and smash your interview. I’m sure you will absolutely nail it, look forward to a lovely promotion and smash the shit out of being a single mother (for now) - their relationship won’t last, and by that point, you will be enjoying your new freedom/promotion whilst waiting for Mr Right to walk into your life (if that’s what you want) - you got this mamma.

TipsyJoker · 28/04/2025 16:05

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Don’t say anything. Focus on yourself, your kids and your interview. Get to a solicitor asap. You will never be able to trust him again. Even if he came back and said he’d made a mistake, will he do it again when another chip shop darling bats her eyelashes at him? He’s absolutely gross. She’s a teenager. Don’t waste your time and energy on him atm. You have more important things to be prioritising. I would block him at least for the time being.

TheBerry · 28/04/2025 16:06

Some good suggestions from other MNers for how exactly you should respond to this cretin of a man.

I am looking forward to your update soon where you tell us all about how his new “relationship” and life has fallen apart.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/04/2025 16:10

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

He's asking you whether you want to fight for your family? Blimey, he's asking you to do the Pick Me dance, isn't he? He's the one who's destroyed it, so why should you be the one trying to put it back together?

What do you say? You tell him that you need to consider your options.

BeingScouseIsMySuperpower · 28/04/2025 16:19

Don’t engage with him, or put in text anything he can use against you.

I’d text:

From now on I’d appreciate it if you kept your contact to dealing with the children, and the uncoupling of our finances and admin. Please do not contact me otherwise.

Fatrosrhun · 28/04/2025 16:29

Those are questions that he should have asked himself, not you. And BEFORE he threw a bomb into your whole family and theirs lives.

Hatty65 · 28/04/2025 16:43

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

You message back to say, 'No. You've effectively killed any love I had for you with your behaviour. I intend to fight entirely for myself and my children now. You've made your bed - lie on it'.

Motheringlikeapelican · 28/04/2025 16:46

P - I am so sorry this is happening right now, but am glad you have your mum and friends alongside you. No matter how painful it is now, it will pass, the sun will come up tomorrow and you will still be a brave and fabulous woman with 2 children that love you

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family.

This is an interesting move from him - I suspect he is consciously or unconsciously trying to sabotage you.
You are making progress, have a big promotion in front of you, and hes thrown the biggest emotional spanner possible in the works of your relationship, with pretty perfect timing to derail you - and is demanding you focus on him/fight for your relationship at exactly the worst time for you, like a toddler throwing a tantrum for attention
Does he feel threatened by you and your success? Is he afraid that your focus will move to work more than centering him/your relationship? Is he worried about losing the role of higher earner/big man of the house if you are equally successful? Is he resentful that his life will change or need reorganized because of your new job (e.g he might have to do more domestic work or parenting?) - having had an ex DP who tried his best to undermine my career plans and would inevitably create drama in the run up to any big exam or interview Im a bit wary of the manipulative games weak men can play.

Thinking about his motivations and spend time analyzing them is probably the last thing you want to do: but the claims (incredibly young love interest, haven't slept together, just emotional but I am going to blow our lives up for it, do you love me/do you want to fight for us? ) suggest a lot of neediness rather than straightforward 'I'm moving on/walking away'. He wants you to do the 'pick me' dance, focus on him, fight for your relationship, like a test of sorts. If you do it, hes winning, and if you don't do it, the breakup becomes your fault.

Either of these reasons behind his behavior are pretty much the actions of an unmitigated shite with no care for his wife or children: and I hope that you can move on from his manipulations.