DH has left me for a teenager

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Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

I did, but you made the decision to leave. There is no reason to fight for us because you made it clear that you loved her more than you loved me or our family. My children are my family and I will always fight for my family.

in very similar circumstances I was the teenager (younger than 19) in this scenario and I was fed so many lies I felt so sorry for this man and I went on to practically raise his kids. I wasted my youth and money and whilst I didn’t break up a marriage I certainly can imagine that this man would have left a wife purely to bed a teenager. I am so sorry op but honestly this man is a terrible person and you and your family deserve so much more x

This 100%.
You’re in shock now but soon you’ll find your anger and that’ll spur you on.
Good luck with your interview. 🤞

Strategy:

Behave perfectly, much as you may not want to, and be able to prove you are.

Beware - he has already started to try shifting blame to you with his 'are you prepared to fight for your family' message.

He'll be spreading lies about you to family and friends, suggesting it's because of you, that you're trying to keep the children from their daddy.

Let family and friends know what's happened. Get in first, own the narrative he will be trying to spin. 'I never thought this would happen to our family, but sadly DH has decided to leave me and our children for a teenage girl, and has gone back to live with his parents.'

And IF you feel confident of support there, tell your line manager.

Facilitate him seeing the children.

Do not vent your feelings to them.

Keep records of everything.

Get a dedicated email address and engage with him only through that, and solicitor letters.

Texts, phone calls, messenger DMS etc are too ephemeral and informal. If he attempts contact there, reply via email, and be vigilant about any attempt to contact the children behind your back.

Right now you want this all to go away, for it not to have happened, for everything back to normal. It would be the easiest thing to forgive, have him back, and you're probably wavering - and he KNOWs this.

I wonder if your success has put his nose out of joint and he wants an adoring girlie on NMW to make him feel superior?

"Fight for your family"? My god what a lowlife misogynist he has turned out to be! It must be a great shock. I strongly agree with everyone who has said don't reply to that message. Block him on your phone after telling him he can communicate with you by email if he needs to about the children, and that you will let him know the contact details of your solicitor for anything else. Pack his personal stuff and send it to his parents' house in a taxi.

The thing is you can't trust him now he has shown his true colours. Even if he does regret it, asking if you want to fight for your family is disgusting. He should be the one doing the fighting if (and it's a big if) he wants to save the marriage.

To be honest if he's done this once he will do it again. I don't quite subscribe to the view of "once a cheater, always a cheater" because some people learn through their mistakes. But someone who is willing to cheat once will be willing to do it again, just sometimes they recognise the damage it causes and override their natural instinct to cheat. (A bit like an alcoholic who has been sober for 40 years is still an alcoholic, just an alcoholic who has consciously worked to ignore their need to drink.)

You should also try to remember that he's only 50% of the problem, this teenage girl is also half to blame. There's not much you can do probably other than make sure everyone in the area knows what sort of woman she is, the sort who goes after married older men. The least you can do is damage her reputation so other men in the area are less tempted to leave their marriages for her.

In the immediate term, change the locks on your home and ensure he can't get back in. Bag up his belongings and leave them on the street outside. Get a claim in with the CMS ASAP especially since he is a higher earner than you. I'd tell the kids the truth, that their father has moved out and won't be coming back, but that it may be possible to arrange visits with him a few months down the line.

Ha. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahaha!!!

There should be a word for men who shit on their families for kids too young and stupid to know better, and then think it's on their wives to FIGHT FOR THEM IF THEY CARE ABOUT THEIR FAMILY!

Honestly, this to me is the absolute dealbreaker. Maybe, MAYBE, I could get past it if he had made a stupid mistake because he's just been bereaved or something and he knows he has been a prick and wants to make good. But to follow it up with this kind of narcissm and manipulation? He can fuck right off. No way do I want to share my life with a narcissistic twat who can't take responsibility and thinks being a sexually incontinent turd somehow makes him a prize to be fought over.

You say "nah, I have that big job interview comming up & my mum & mates are supporting me, I'll let you know in at least a year how I feel but clearly this marriage/family meant nothing to you so I need to focus on my kids & work"

Another one who likes this response. Concentrate on you right now.

I guess he expected you to be begging him to come back. Anyone who expects you to do the pick me dance isn’t worth fighting for as they have shown they don’t respect or care for you. A man who walks out on his family in hopes of something with a woman young enough to be his daughter is repulsive.

"No darling, I'm not fighting for our marriage, I'm fighting for our divorce. You left me for a 19 year old remember. A Ferrari would have been a much better choice for your mid life crisis but such is life".

Some very good and pretty unanimous advice on here. All I’d like to add is to reiterate that you should absolutely not believe for a second that he hasn’t slept with her. What a disgusting skid mark of a man he is. You will be fine, you are strong and you deserve so much more than this pathetic specimen. Take care of yourself and your children x

He wants you to do the pick me dance. Maybe your response has hurt his fragile ego.

He is a prick. Was he fighting for his family when he was lying to you and meeting up with a teenager? Was he fighting for his family when he was kissing her or engaging in sexual activity with her ( they always lie and minimise what they have done)? Was he fighting for his family when he was being horrible to you inorder to justify his behaviour? Was he fighting for his family while he was investing his time, energy, money into a teenager instead of his wife?

My response would be fuck off.

It's not like you could ever trust him again..

OP: it's really important you read up on these two things:

The pick-me dance - The ‘Pick Me’ Dance - ChumpLady.com

Hysterical bonding - Dear Chump Lady, Hysterical bonding... WTF?! - ChumpLady.com

Wishing you all the best for your interview, OP. I really hope that works out for you.

Regarding your husband, I would make no decision in a rush other than consult a solicitor to find out where you stand. I certainly wouldn't respond to that utterly self-absorbed tripe, I would ignore it. Communicate only as necessary for now.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. He's an idiot. Barely worthy of any sort of respect never mind love.

All of the balls are in your court, ready to be played by you. There's no rush.

Good luck at that interview!

Yes, this is a great response.

Send this - and focus on your kids and your interview. Best of luck - hope you’re successful.

Asking if you want to fight for your family is such an abusive tactic. I'm so sorry OP.

You actually HAVE your family, it just doesn't include him any more.

You have your family . It just doesn't need to include him. All you have lost is a selfish man .
And do you really want a man back that goes after 19 year olds. How long has it been going on? Was she younger when they met?
What kind of father does that . I know right now the first react will be to try to fix things but longterm you are better without him. I bet he is only having second thoughts because of the reactions of his family/friends or she has already dumped him

"Fight for what? A sleazy 36 year old adult man, husband and father of two, who "has a emotional connection and enjoys kissing a 19yr old". There's nothing to fight for in relation to you. I will save my energy for the children."

Just to make sure he is absolutely certain of who exactly is the problem in this relationship.

Oh my Christ what a tragic little prick he is, and from his message it sounds like she’s realised this already.

Don’t let him come creeping back OP. Once forgiven means he’ll bank on you forgiving him every time.

Sending strength and determination to get through the coming weeks x

The cheek of the man putting the onus on you to ‘fight’ for the family as if this mess is not his doing. I would never trust him again, it would be the end.

Yes you will get universal credit. Put him on child support IMMEDIATELY!

This ! Fuck him OP.

he didn’t ‘fight for his family’, he was off trying to shag a 19 year old.

if nothing else give yourself some space, he will probable come back but just to do it all over again after he’s brought you to heel.

fuck him and take his money

What a vile man - well rid. And no coming back from this no matter what.

I know the shock and that awful gut feeling you have right now.

But find your anger to get through next few weeks (won't be hard with this level of bastardness) ace that job interview. That anger is so useful and comes swifty after the disbelief you are in now.

Luckily your children are small so wont understand what is happening in detail.

Once time passes I promise you, you will be better and also on the very slim chance this works out you get seats to what will be the best soap opera you'll ever see. This has sh*t show written all over it. You WILL laugh, heartily, again.

Chip shop cunt

Youve had a lot of good advice here OP, many have gone through it but please go at your own pace. No one is expecting you to be super woman within days. It’s your real life, so rely on those closest to you.