DH has left me for a teenager

[User048261940582]

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

Devastating as it is, I think you need to keep very practical now. The reality is that he has made himself the enemy and checked out awhile ago. This is all absolutely new to you and the sheer shock of it will leave you feeling as if the ground under your feet has vanished.

Keep all communications with him practical. Put your cold game-play head on and weep in private.

This is not the man you thought he was, and you need to stay calm and practical in dealings with him.

My reply would be that you loved the man who would never cheat on you with a 19 year old from the local chippy, but that man is not the man who is texting you now. And yes, you will always fight for your children.

has moved back in with his parents
hmm. Mine said that. He'd moved in with his girlfriend, and his parents covered for him.

He’s insisted they haven’t slept together
They all say that.

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. They do that, too. You say 'You've made your choice. There is no way back.' He'll keep trying because divorce will be expensive and inconvenient for him. What he wants is you dancing around him, begging him to come back. Don't do it.

Good luck, OP. It's a hell of a shock. Takes a while to get over. But the sooner you get the formalities dealt with, the sooner you heal.

He has the intelligence of an amoeba, in fact that's an insult to an amoeba.

Pull out all the stops with your interview, you'll be fine and think of your amazing fortune to know he's an absolute idiot, just kick him to the kerb and don't look back.

Best of all, revenge served cold - no pick me dance, no discussion, just get out of my life.

I'd be very tempted just to leave him a laugh react.

It really is x

I’m so sorry to hear this. It does sound like he’s having a middle aged crisis. Im in my mid 40s and I had a brief thing when I was 19 with someone who was 37, he was single but obviously had issues to even go with the teenage me.

In the immediate next few weeks - your focus is on your well-being, that lovely job interview and your kids. Personally, I’d ask him until you have your interview if he can have no contact with you and if he can say he’s gone away with work to the kids. This gives you the headspace you need to focus and also decompress a little from the immediate shock.

once you have the job interview out the way… Id get the legal/ finances in order - speak to a solicitor (you’ll probably find on mumsnet lots of recommendations for a good solicitor near you).

What you want to ensure is the deep dive on your husbands financial situation and assets and to protect yourself too.

id also in addition to the 1-1 counselling support consider if you would feel counselling with your (ex) husband may be something you would feel is useful. No matter what happens next, he will be in your life forever as you have kids. If not soon, but at some point you may want to understand what is behind his infidelity and also how the two of you are going to relate to raise your children.

from a purely financial/ assets/ legal perspective, as others have said - for the time being he is your adversary. The trust is gone. You do need to gather all info as above to protect yourself. This next bit is rather harsh but imagine any text or email or anything even voice notes and voice messages can be used and evidence in any legal proceedings/ divorce. Be careful what you write or communicate from here on in.

what a total shock and my heart goes out to you

He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

I wouldn't dignify it with a response.

Firstly @User048261940582 , it doesn’t feel like it now but honestly the fact he’s gone about this in this way has probably saved you years of heartache. You can absolutely rebuild from this and (if you want!) find someone who isn’t a teenage chasing creep. Imagine if it was 10/20 years in the future and hearing through the grapevine that your husband has been chasing young skirt around town, even more gross than what it already is.

That poor girl though, but I’m hoping from his scummy follow up text that he’s told her he’s ’left his wife’ and she’s completely turn heeled on him. Because the reality of having a 30 something married man with children declare he wants to be ‘fully’ with a young girl starting her adult life would probably be a big ‘oh shit’ moment. All fun and games until real life comes knocking. And if I was her parents, I’d be telling him exactly what sort of lowlife I thought he was.

Grey rock him, or only reply in necessary detail. ‘We need to start figuring out how to legally detangle ourselves with as little effect on the children as possible.’. Do not resort to any emotional tit for tat, no indication what so ever that you’re willing to engage in a ‘pick me’ dance. Stick to facts, work on a coparenting agreement, do not rise to anything he says or does. It’s highly unlikely this ‘relationship’ of his will carry oxygen once out in the open - only the most leery of men will think he’s some sort of champ, everyone else will just see him as a creep and he can stew in his own mess.

What a fucking bastard. And he is not your friend - remember this. Get your finances sorted - after you slay your promotion interview, with the power of MN behind you.

What do I tell the kids?

@User048261940582 you don't tell them. He has to. Let him work out what he's going to say. Leave him to it.

Of course, you want to protect your DC, but in this case, their father needs to step up.

And you could start to talk to him about a 50/50 rota of when he's going to have them - make him realise what he's taking on: 50% of their care.

“SuperTrooper14 · Today 12:46

Cheeky beggar daring to ask if you want to fight for your family when he's the one who has thrown it under the bus. I would reply:
My focus is on my children and the job interview I have next week. Beyond that I have nothing to say to you right now and I want you to respect my space. I'll be touch to discuss practicalities of you seeing the children.
So, don't answer either way and keep it calm and business-like. You don't have to rush into anything – do life on your terms now.”

This with bells on. Certainly you shouldn’t fight for him but actually I don’t think you really want him fighting for you either after what he’s done. It’s so grubby (he will have minimised what’s happened between them so far because he’s a liar and a cheat). He’s definitely not the prize he thinks he is.

But you don’t need to be debating it now. Main focus for now is that interview. All the very best of luck for that.

They haven’t slept together? Oh please! You’re not an idiot op, you know that’s a lie. When he comes crawling back - and he will - ffs do not take the untrustworthy, lying, cheating rat back. He’s shown you who he is, and he’ll just do it again down the line. Find your anger, get a lawyer, divorce him. That’s what I did anyway - no way was I putting up with that shit - way happier now.
As others are saying, focus on you, your kids, and that job interview op. You can do this.

You now know exactly what and who he is. Who he secretly always was. The mask is off.

He is not and has not for some time been your friend.

He is on his side and nobody else's.

He may ( if he senses things are not going to go his way ) attempt to scrabble his way back into your favour. I suspect all is not as he thought it would be there, hence the message. He's probably trying to wedge the door open for a return.

Be very careful if you decide to welcome him back. He'll have got the message that he can what he likes - and you'll forgive him. He'll be on best behaviour - for a while. That's fantasy.

Bloody well done getting that recognition of your worth at work. They admire and respect you. That's reality.

Keep your eyes open and beware controlling tactics. He'll try to emotionally manipulate you, especially over the children. And living with parents' likely disapproval may quickly become tedious.

You need professional advice and support. Legal and financial advice (NOT from him!) are essential.

This happened to my friend , he left and moved in with her, she got pregnant, had an abortion, broke up and he wanted to come home!! She was broken hearted but never took him back . She met someone else who loved her properly and is happy . He’s had a series of failed relationships!

The first thing I want to say is that I am so sorry. having been in a similar situation I know how the shock is like a body blow that sends you reeling and you feel that you are not going to make it through the next hour let alone the next day.

The second thing I want to say is that you will get through, you will come out the other side, changed and stronger. I am so glad to read you have loving family and friends around you. Lean on them and take every bit of help they offer.

The third thing I want to say is do not take him back, no matter what he says when it all falls apart with the teenage girl and he comes creeping around wanting his old life back. If he can do it once he will do it again.

Why does he think you want to fight to keep someone who has dropped a total bomb on you by telling you that as a nearing middle aged man he has fallen in love with a 19 year old who works at your local chippy?!
My guess is the 19 year old thought it was all abit of a giggle until he actually left his family and is wanting to be with her all the time permanently.
If he can do this once, even if you let him talk you into ‘fighting’ for him, you are now on notice his head is easily turned.
it’s so great you have friends and family close by and hand, you can do this!
Good luck with the interview!

His parents must be so bloody embarrassed/ angry/ mortified…

I don't think it was ever a relationship with the teenager. It was probably a bit of light flirtation and a drunken shag or two.

OP don't reply to his messages unless they are about him seeing the children. Focus on acing your interview. Speak to a solicitor and then decide what you want to do going forward. As pp says, this is a serious event and it needs serious consideration. Take your time

You have had a hell of a shock op - I'm so sorry. I imagine reality has sunk in for the 19 year old and she's backtracking fast - she's not going to want to wash his pants and look after his children is she? Take some time to think before you even speak to him.

I’m so sorry. What a stupid, stupid man.

He messaged WHAT?
Please message back, 'Who dis?'

Utter utter bastard.

You dont have to reply to every text you get, not replying is the best response right now while you recover from the shock.

Ace the interview. If he pesters you for a reply keep ignoring or respond with something like would you like to see the children this weekend.

What an absolute loser OP - telling you he is getting emotional support from a 19 year old. Just dwell on how absolutely pathetic that is - and what a vile man he is to bring a vulnerable young person into this (and yes, whatever she has done/ said - she is vulnerable as a young teenager compared to an adult married man)

Well I wouldn’t even bother answering him. Don’t give him the satisfaction of playing mind games and don’t do the pick me dance. I know it’s easy for me to say but there’s no way I could take him back after this. I’d just block him.

He asked you WHAT?? For gods sake, don’t answer that, he is literally trying to force you to play the “pick me” game!
Grey Rock is your friend here. Cold, emotionless and practical is what you need to show him. No, of course, you don’t feel like that, but this is the time to fake it til you make it.