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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me for a teenager

530 replies

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 11:36

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

OP posts:
Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 29/04/2025 00:30

If the teens parents have any sense and care for their daughter hopefully that'll put an end to his sordid antics.
He's an idiot and hopefully this will come as a blessing in disguise come time.

ChompinCrocodiles · 29/04/2025 00:34

Ah I'm sorry op. What a cunt.

He's irked that you're not playing the Pick Me game.

Don't dance to his tune. Fuck him, he's not the man you thought, deserve, need or want in your life.

Focus on those beautiful kids and your family of 3. Get any of his remaining stiff together and leave it in a pile outside. Change the locks. Apply for UC. Apply for CMS. Gather as much evidence of his income and savings as you can and once you've had time for your head to stop spinning, start the divorce process.

sleepwouldbenice · 29/04/2025 00:41

grumpygrape · 28/04/2025 22:10

OP, I would suggest you consider getting yourself a solicitor and telling him you will only communicate through the solicitor. Then block him. Otherwise, he will continue to try and mess with your head with the ‘do you love me’ and ‘do you want to fight for your family’ stuff.

Let the solicitor monitor and sift his messages and you concentrate on you and the children. Getting into communications with him will just drain you.

‘Mostly emotional’ means not exclusively emotional….

Oh OP. What a horrible mess, I am so sorry

i think whilst he’s obviously quite bluntly partying around like this with his latest message, then I would follow this advice. You really just don’t need him in your thoughts, as much as this is possible, you need a clear head for your future

in time yes you can link with his parents, even be civil to him. But for now, it’s practicailties and emotional distance

Good luck, you’ve got this

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 02:43

alcoholnightmare · 28/04/2025 11:53

Also, I’d imagine her parents and friends will be hugely advising her away from a married man with two young children.
even if he came back with his tail between his legs, I couldn’t get over this personally. Very different if it was a woman of a similar age, but 36-19 is DISGUSTING.

They're both 16+.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/04/2025 03:25

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 02:43

They're both 16+.

Show quote history

The age gap is so large he could be her biological father and is at a completely different lifestage with a mortgage and children.

She might be 'legal' it doesnt stop it being grim and inappropriate.

GarlicSmile · 29/04/2025 03:38

SpringCalling · 28/04/2025 12:06

I would say I will always fight for my family, However you have shown me who you are and so are no longer a part of my family.

Agree! Even if you were daft enough to take him back, you could never forget this and what he's taught you about himself. I do understand it's awful - I really do. What helped me was to realise my devastation was about the loss of the marriage I thought I had with the man I thought he was. It's perfectly reasonable to feel - well, bereaved by this. That has all gone. He isn't that man after all 😞

Would you want, now, to start a marriage with a man who falls in love with random teenagers and is happy to ditch his family for them? I should think not. On the other hand, would you want to be an independent, successful mother who is acing her career while providing a lovely future for her kids? You've got to admit it's appealing.

I hope counselling was supportive, and that you're surrounding yourself with friends and family who see your potential.

blettedmedlar · 29/04/2025 04:05

Of course he’s slept with her. What a twat.

AnonMJ · 29/04/2025 04:20

Get a solicitor pronto.

and a therapist.
get copies of all legal and finance docs you can find

I know you are not supposed to but I’d be tempted to tell him and to change the locks immediately.

I’ve seen male friends do this.

do not take him back.

mid life crisis. Clearly unhappy. And does not care enough about you and the kids to stop thinking “with his little head”.

what an idiot he is.

definitely kick the bastard out.

Lovethesparklylights · 29/04/2025 04:24

You reply : fight for you? You left me for a teenage chip shop worker. You are a liar and a cheater and make my skin crawl.
Get angry OP. Go smash the interview and never look back
If you take him back he's not going to have any respect for you and will do it again with the next Available woman. And possibly give you a disease in the meantime.
Please don't take him back.

BridgetsBigPants · 29/04/2025 04:42

Oh you poor thing. Don't allow him back because he will do it again. Stay strong for yourself and your children.

Also the age gap is disgusting. I am 36 and my oldest child was born in 2007. The thought if having a "relationship" with someone that age is repugnant.

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 04:44

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/04/2025 03:25

The age gap is so large he could be her biological father and is at a completely different lifestage with a mortgage and children.

She might be 'legal' it doesnt stop it being grim and inappropriate.

Edited
Show quote history

It's dodgy, but I just find it weird that a 16 year old on here is considered an adult when he or she dates a 15 year old, but here we are suddenly infantilizing a 19 year old woman based purely on emotion.

Which is it?

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 04:49

BridgetsBigPants · 29/04/2025 04:42

Oh you poor thing. Don't allow him back because he will do it again. Stay strong for yourself and your children.

Also the age gap is disgusting. I am 36 and my oldest child was born in 2007. The thought if having a "relationship" with someone that age is repugnant.

It's a large age gap, but they're both adults. It's not problematic like a 15 year old in yr11 dating a 16/17 year old adult in yr12.

BridgetsBigPants · 29/04/2025 04:58

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 04:49

It's a large age gap, but they're both adults. It's not problematic like a 15 year old in yr11 dating a 16/17 year old adult in yr12.

Show quote history

Do you have a child that age? Legally they might be adults but mentally they are no where near the same maturity level as a 36 year old.

I also would not take issue with a 15 and 16 year old dating. When my son was 15 his girlfriend was 16. They were at a similar level intellectually and in terms of maturity.

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:06

BridgetsBigPants · 29/04/2025 04:58

Do you have a child that age? Legally they might be adults but mentally they are no where near the same maturity level as a 36 year old.

I also would not take issue with a 15 and 16 year old dating. When my son was 15 his girlfriend was 16. They were at a similar level intellectually and in terms of maturity.

Show quote history

Maybe I should have said 17 year old in yr12 then.

I have a DD who is 17 and ran off with a 33 year old man recently, but I'm reaching the conclusion there's nothing I can do about it and I'm starting not to care.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/04/2025 06:01

Dadgivingup · 29/04/2025 05:06

Maybe I should have said 17 year old in yr12 then.

I have a DD who is 17 and ran off with a 33 year old man recently, but I'm reaching the conclusion there's nothing I can do about it and I'm starting not to care.

Edited
Show quote history

You sound like a fantastic person and parent.

hellohellooo · 29/04/2025 06:04

StMarie4me · 28/04/2025 11:42

You’re in shock atm. But he has shown you who he really is now OP. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Find your fight.
Use this to rock that Interview!
What is your living situation? Mortgage? Rented?
Tell the kids as it is. Or tell him to tell them. (But if you tell them you can be sure of what’s said).
Speak to a solicitor for immediate advice.
Apply for UC online.
Practical will serve you best.

Love this

So true

Hope you are ok OP what a piece of 💩

MellowPinkDeer · 29/04/2025 06:17

Sorry I’ve not got through all the replies @User048261940582 but I hope you’re ok. Best of luck in your interview. I’d tread carefully re child maintenance just now, I would be insisting he continues to pay the mortgage and bills as if he still lived in the home , until you have a plan. It might be that maintenance is less and he wouldn’t have to pay both. His behaviour is a disgrace but the best revenge is to thrive . You can do this!

nottheplan · 29/04/2025 06:38

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 29/04/2025 06:01

You sound like a fantastic person and parent.

Show quote history

That's a bit harsh. What is the poster supposed to do? The more she tries to stop it the more it'll make their dd rebel. It's a life lesson to learn from your own mistakes.

SpryCat · 29/04/2025 07:03

He wants you to play the ‘pick me’ game so he has options, he wants to keep you on your toes so he can come back to you if it doesn’t work out with the teen or separate from you.
He doesn’t care how his actions have devastated you and your DC, it’s all about him and his ego!
If you do have him back, prepare for him to blame it all on you not making enough effort etc, he will show willingness for marriage counselling etc and make an effort for a week or so but his roving eye will be looking for another ego boost because he thinks he’s king of the hill.
You need to choose you and your DC over this feckless man, choose a future where you’re not constantly on guard when he pops to the shops or chippy incase he goes rogue again. Choose a future with stability and happiness for the three of you that gives you peace of mind and ditch that tosser x

femfemlicious · 29/04/2025 07:13

I think @User048261940582 has decided to make up with her husband and work it out. Very likely to end up badly but I guess she has to try I wish them well 🙏🏿

Tumblingthrough · 29/04/2025 07:16

What a complete and utter twunt.

He will obviously regret this and I suspect that his parents, friends and any other sane person will be telling him how crazy this is.
19 year old was probably initially flattered and now the reality has hit.

I’m so sorry OP xx

Tumblingthrough · 29/04/2025 07:18

femfemlicious · 29/04/2025 07:13

I think @User048261940582 has decided to make up with her husband and work it out. Very likely to end up badly but I guess she has to try I wish them well 🙏🏿

Yes. I also wish them well and actually think giving him another chance isn’t a bad decision tbh

Cyclebabble · 29/04/2025 07:22

Tumblingthrough · 29/04/2025 07:18

Yes. I also wish them well and actually think giving him another chance isn’t a bad decision tbh

Show quote history

It would be a very poor decision to let this man back into her life. He has already demonstrated that he will treat her with utter contempt. When a similar opportunity arrives he will do the same again- well I can always go back to the wife and kids can’t I? All of this of course before you consider the very real risks of catching an STD from a man who sleeps around.

MellowCritic · 29/04/2025 07:24

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Op its not you that needs to confirm your love nor fight for your family it's him but unfortunately, this kind of betrayal is made even more vile by this girls age. What kind of a man with two small kids at the age of 36, even looks at someone of that age ? My point is not that if the infidelity was with an age appropriate person that would make it ok, of course not what I'm saying is this part of the issue makes him a certain type of man that he can't come back from.

Lilactimes · 29/04/2025 07:34

Hi @User048261940582
Hope you’re ok ❤️
I have a friend who had a young child and her and her husband had been through some tricky stresses - serious illness and bereavement, when he had an affair with a successful model in her twenties.

It really shattered her.

He ended up living apart from her for a bit and she decided that she wanted him back and definitely fought for him. She used her friendships and his family to persuade him… not sure what else she did. I think he was really torn, their relationship had been good.

He came back to her. On the surface they seemed good but it took her a few years for her to forgive him properly and longer to trust him but she did stop throwing it in his face eventually.

10 years on they’re really solid and have gone from strength to strength as a couple and are genuinely really happy now.

I think relationships can recover from these “stupid” type affairs - IF you want them to. there’s no way the affair will last for him with the 19 y o - you need to decide what you want and what terms you will take him back.
please get up, ace your interview and decide what you’re going to do and how you’re going to treat him. You are in the driving seat if played right xx