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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me for a teenager

530 replies

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 11:36

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

OP posts:
Widowerwouldyou · 28/04/2025 21:23

Lookuptotheskies · 28/04/2025 11:56

Oh that grim! What a disgusting specimen he is OP! That is quite the age gap and with a teenager. Vile.

I agree with the posters saying focus on the interview and still try to ace it. More pay would be a good thing wouldn't it if you will be a single income household for a while.

Don't let him home when it all falls apart.

This.
He will be back begging snd pleading -they always do in this scenario. Please don’t let him back /even if you think it would best for the kids, it really isn’t.

BubblyBlonde24 · 28/04/2025 21:31

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

Easier said than done, but try not to let his destructive actions distract you from your job interview that you alone have worked so hard towards.

He gets to go off and do what he wants, make sure you do the same for you!

supercali77 · 28/04/2025 21:35

Ergh that's disgusting. I hope you ace the job interview. It'll fall apart with the teenager but dont let him back. I remember someone we knew in his early 40s started seeing a 19 year old and all of us peeled off because...insisting a relationship is 'legal' really leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/04/2025 21:40

He's shown his true colours OP, don't fight for him. He wants to be the proper and play you both against each other.

You'll get through this, not easy but better now than another 10 years.

Hwi · 28/04/2025 21:45

I hope your interview goes really really well.

researchers3 · 28/04/2025 21:47

MrsMontyD · 28/04/2025 11:47

My beat advice is that he’s no longer on your team, question everything he says and does, don’t trust him to act in your best interests. Get a good solicitor asap and start pulling together your financial information, be the one in charge of what happens next.

This sadly. I'm so sorry op.

Im glad youve got people who love and care to help.

What an absolute idiot he is.

Yes you should get some UC and he needs to give you maintenance too.

Can you postpone your interview?

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/04/2025 21:50

Horses7 · 28/04/2025 20:50

They may be disgusted with him but they’ll still be on his side, I wouldn’t fall out with them but I wouldn’t trust them an inch.

Show quote history

You are right I suppose, but they will also be thinking long and hard about their grandchildren and how all this could affect their relationship with their dgc.

SingleAHF · 28/04/2025 22:00

When the novelty wears off and he realises they have nothing in common, or she throws him over for someone she can marry and have kids with, he will come crawling back, begging forgiveness, saying he doesn't know what came over him etc.....

grumpygrape · 28/04/2025 22:10

OP, I would suggest you consider getting yourself a solicitor and telling him you will only communicate through the solicitor. Then block him. Otherwise, he will continue to try and mess with your head with the ‘do you love me’ and ‘do you want to fight for your family’ stuff.

Let the solicitor monitor and sift his messages and you concentrate on you and the children. Getting into communications with him will just drain you.

‘Mostly emotional’ means not exclusively emotional….

Fuckinella · 28/04/2025 22:10

Hey nineteen, the song by Steely Dan.

This exact scenario, 19 year old gal with an older guy.

JohnofWessex · 28/04/2025 22:17

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 28/04/2025 12:08

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love

Well that won't be true. He's just trying to assuage his guilt, and make it sound better.

Of course they've slept together.

I'm so sorry @User048261940582 what a complete bastard.

What do his mother and father think?

I wonder if the 19 year old OW never considered herself in a relationship with him? Never mind actually doing anything with him.

She may well be good at talking to her customers in the chip shop and my experience is that much younger women tend to drop their guard around older men and come over as 'flirtatious'

Now I have had some great fun - and appropriate conversations in these sorts of situations but I can assure you that I was quite aware that as far as they were concerned I was as attractive as a fortnight in Skegness

researchers3 · 28/04/2025 22:32

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Sounds like he'd quite like you to stroke his ego while he's pissing you around. If you can, ignore him. I appreciate this is easier than done but he won't expect it. Might give you some power back.

Focus on you, your kids and the interview.

God, i remember the shock, literally felt like the breath was knocked out of me.

CruCru · 28/04/2025 22:34

JohnofWessex · 28/04/2025 22:17

I wonder if the 19 year old OW never considered herself in a relationship with him? Never mind actually doing anything with him.

She may well be good at talking to her customers in the chip shop and my experience is that much younger women tend to drop their guard around older men and come over as 'flirtatious'

Now I have had some great fun - and appropriate conversations in these sorts of situations but I can assure you that I was quite aware that as far as they were concerned I was as attractive as a fortnight in Skegness

Show quote history

I was going to say something like this. There is a chance that this young woman was totally horrified when he turned up and announced that he’d left his wife for her.

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/04/2025 22:39

Good luck with the interview and good that you have support from your mum, best friend and counsellor.

What a loser asking you if you are going to "fight for your family". I'd be torn between taking the dignified no response to that or using PP's "I'll always fight for my family. You're the one who has discarded his family to chase after a 19 year old".

Do not enter the pick me dance. Put in a CMS and UC claim and ask him what arrangements he plans for seeing his kids.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 28/04/2025 22:41

What a dick

Im so sorry

MsDogLady · 28/04/2025 22:52

@User048261940582, my heart goes out to you. Your H’s betrayal is truly reprehensible.

While you’ve been giving your all to your marriage, family, home and work, he has been pursuing a teenager in a fantasy scenario where ‘they’ve been there for each other’. In truth, he’s been exploiting this power imbalance and getting off on this girl’s flattery, attention, and young body. He is a morally bankrupt, pervy creep of the highest order.

His mockery and mistreatment of you and the children are beyond the pale. He is ‘that guy’ who makes a choice to be hateful to his Wife at home while he is publicly humiliating her. Summon your anger and fierceness and channel them into a laser focus during your interview.

As for his ludicrous message asking if you want to fight for the marriage after he has destroyed it via his unethical, adulterous actions, there are no words. Please ignore this and all of his manipulations, and only engage with him using gray rock and email to make contact arrangements.

@User048261940582, try to practice
self-care while embracing your children and work. Lean on trusted loved ones, and consider accessing IC to help you move through the grieving process.

I strongly advise you to consult with a solicitor to learn your options and make preparations to file for divorce. If my H had shat all over me and my child like this, I know that I would never be able to regain any trust, respect, or peace of mind, so it would be over.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 28/04/2025 23:00

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

What a manipulative cunt.

He realises he's fucked up and is trying to put this on you.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/04/2025 23:14

I agree with pp that he is being manipulative. Don’t engage with him or let him sabotage your promotion.

It’s really, truly awful what he has done to you and your children. You deserve better.

I hope you get that promotion and wish for good things to come your way. 💖

PlaistowPatricia26 · 28/04/2025 23:30

I expect he’s been telling her “ my wife doesn’t understand me” & the usual shit but of course she is too young to know yet.

The two faced cunt is going to look a right prick if he starts socialising with her & her mates.

I work with teenagers & we have managers who are in their thirties sniffing round thinking they have a chance . They usually enjoy the banter & attention but when push comes to shove she’s going to bin him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a proportion of this is all in his head. He’ll become the local laughing stock.

Chin Up, ace that interview, & tell him to go fuck himself.

KhakiOrca · 28/04/2025 23:37

So sorry OP
This happened to a friend of mine 20 yrs ago. It doesn't last.

Ilovemeggy38 · 28/04/2025 23:50

When your first child was born this girl was 12!
He is absolutely disgusting, I have no words for the disdain and contempt for 36 year old grown men getting involved with 19 years old women. Yes they are over the age of consent, yes they are classed as adult but anyone who has had a teenage 19 year old girl will tell you they would be fucking HORRIFIED if she was getting involved with a 36 year old married man with two children.
It's beyond anything I could come back from in a marriage to be honest, I would always assume he doesn't have that self awareness that pursuing a 19 year old is extremely grim and he will do it again.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/04/2025 23:51

You will absolutely ace the interview.
Don't look back, only forward. Your life will be so much better now you can do exactly what you want. Prioritise yourself, your kids, your career, your lovely Mum and family and friends.

You deserve better than him. He's an idiot to have lost you. I'm sure the chip shop girl won't last and if he comes back cap in hand you slam the door right in his face.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 29/04/2025 00:07

Thewhywhybird · 28/04/2025 12:48

"He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that."
He deserves to be ghosted for that. He should be begging you for forgiveness. Unless he is I wouldn't engage. So sorry OP. Please let us know how the interview goes I am routing for you.

Exactly my thoughts. What a nerve, wanting you to fight for him! He sounds an idiot.

geekygardener · 29/04/2025 00:16

Don’t reply to him. Don’t even lower yourself. He is pathetic. See him for how pathetic he is. He’s not the man you thought. Don’t look at what you wished life would have been. See it and him for what it is. Could you really be with someone so pathetic again. How embarrassing he is. I couldn’t stomach it honestly. You will laugh at him one day. I couldn’t even look at such a pathetic creature. Biggest ick ever. Wanting you to stroke his ego like he’s a catch…he’s deluded..he’s not worth a second of your time. He’s no catch, he’s the village loser. You will soon see it that way. The older I get the more I realise just how useless and gross men are. Big ugly overgrown babies the lot of them…urghhh

Catoo · 29/04/2025 00:24

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Sounds like the 19 year old called it off. Or his parents have torn him a new one. Now he’s turning it round on you asking you why you aren’t begging him to come back.

Get financial info together and see a solicitor ASAP. Get ahead of this. He’s the enemy now until you’re divorced with the financial settlement you want.

You’ll be OK. 💐