Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has left me for a teenager

530 replies

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 11:36

Just that really. My DH of 10 years has left me for a 19 year old girl who works in the local chip shop. He’s 36 and we have 2 children aged 7 and 3. How do I even begin to pick up the pieces? What do I tell the kids? I’m beyond broken and have laid catatonic in bed since I dropped the kids off at school/nursery this morning. Have a huge job interview next week for a promotion I’ve been working so hard towards.

OP posts:
Dollyjon · 28/04/2025 19:38

Gosh my fiancé did this, exact same ages too, the bloody fool. It didn't last either but I wanted nothing to do with him after.

Dollyjon · 28/04/2025 19:39

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Op you will get through it, but he will be a lonely old fool.

Beeloux · 28/04/2025 19:49

These ‘men’ never seize to amaze me, so sorry OP.

Realistically, 19 year olds don’t tend to be attracted to men of his age unless they are rich or they have daddy issues. I say that as someone who dated older men in their thirties when I was 20 (none of them were in relationships). The main denominator was that they were all well off.

Karma will bite him up the arse. She will lose interest. DO NOT take him back. He is trying to gaslight you.

Mmhmmn · 28/04/2025 19:49

A mostly emotional relationship with a 19 year old. Ok. Shows the level his emotions operate at, doesn’t it. He is a child.
His parents have probably kicked his arse for him.

Whatever else he says, he will always be the guy who was all set to leave his wife and children for a teenager. And if I were you I would never not refer to her as that!

2Hot2Handle · 28/04/2025 19:51

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

The most powerful thing you can do do right now, is not respond to him AT ALL. This will allow you space and time to process what has happened and think about your next steps, however big or small. It also takes away any opportunity for him to make you beg for him to stay/say nasty things and look like the bad guy/convince you to keep him around.

Now is not the time to be having conversations, asking questions, or making decisions.

Futurehappiness · 28/04/2025 19:55

endofthelinefinally · 28/04/2025 17:42

OP. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
It is not legal for you to change the locks - he also owns the house. You need to maintain the legal and moral high ground. Don't give him any ammunition.
The first thing to do is to find and copy every single piece of his financial and legal information. Put your own paperwork in a safe place too.
Pay slips
P60
Tax returns
Credit card bills
Bank statements
Check any joint account and consider transferring your half to another account.
Where/when do the bills and mortgage come out?
Council tax? You might be entitled to a reduction
Get your salary paid into your own account.
Take meter readings in case he interferes with utility bills.
Mortgage information.
Find your marriage certificate and put it somewhere safe. You will need it later.
Ditto childrens birth certificates.
Passports.
Your solicitor will tell you to do all of this, so you can save time and money by getting on and doing it now.

All of this. Focus on securing your and your DCs' financial future.

You will 'fight for your family' OP; obviously the penny hasn't yet dropped for your 'D'H that he is no longer a part of it. He is no longer your friend as he has proved himself untrustworthy, so unfortunately you have to presume the worst about him; I think you should be cold and civil but give him nothing he could use against you. Just quietly set about protecting yourself and DC by doing the above and don't let him know in the meantime. And prepare for that interview.

I can imagine how hard this is at the moment, but one day it will get better, you will feel so proud of yourself and know that nothing much can faze you. Enjoy the moral high ground in the meantime; in relation to him there is a lot of space up there.

Emerald95 · 28/04/2025 19:59

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

You don't need to fight as you're not the one who has broken up the family. Personally I would reply somthing like

I find it astonish you want me to 'fight for our family' when the only person responsible for breaking it is you. The thought of you with a literal teenager gives me the ick and I have no interest in being your back up plan when she realises what kind of man you and throws you out. We will be civil for the children's sake but do not take that as a sign of forgivness or think I will forget what you have done.

WearyAuldWumman · 28/04/2025 20:03

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

He has a bloody cheek asking whether YOU want to fight for your family. He's putting all the onus on you then?

5128gap · 28/04/2025 20:12

I think his message means that all is not going to plan. Its highly likely that at 19 he was no more than an ego boost for this woman and now he's presented himself at her door he's as welcome as yesterday's chips. Disgusting specimen that he is, he is trying to regain ground and salve his ego by having you 'fight' for him. As tempting as it will be to get 'back to normal', really try not to rush into anything. It's a terrible thing he's done and her age makes it so much worse of him. Take your time. Just because he's messaged it doesn't mean you need to answer.

AnotherNC321 · 28/04/2025 20:22

I remember dumping my boyfriend on the middle of the dance floor because a lad I once fancied showed me a bit of attention.

I think at 19, I was seeing a lad because I didn’t want to have to wait for the bus.

This 19 has definitely hung him out to dry.

Op, he’s shown his true colours. Ace that interview. That’s fighting for your family. Can a trust family member/friend mediate for you? You don’t want him getting in your headspace.

I’m so sorry. What an arse.

desperatedaysareover · 28/04/2025 20:24

Nope, don’t honestly think I could be arsed riding into battle for a man who attempted to leave me for someone who is barely out of adolescence. Were you his family when he was binning you for someone who only recently departed childhood? Or just when he’s realised his arse is swinging in the wind?

However relationships are personal, and while it’s easy to say LTB, I know plenty of both sexes who stayed for their kids after stuff like this - but a full admission and actual remorse for the hurt he’s caused you would be a minimum expectation before I’d consider even discussing anything. He sounds delusional. Or like he’s decided to claim it was all your fault cos he felt unloved.

Not sure what the incentive is for you to return to this tbh.

Shmee1988 · 28/04/2025 20:28

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

I haven't read all the comments but reading this gave me pure rage! How dare he! He is the one that should be fighting for his family, not you and I hope you have told him as much. The utter, unbelievable cheek of the man! If I was thinking of taking a man back after leaving me, that comment would close the book on that for me. I'm angry for you!!! Find your fire, sending hugs

Chillypie · 28/04/2025 20:29

A decent solicitor will lay out all your options including before and after your promotion etc. You can go from there. Just ignore his crap about will you fight for this marriage.

once you’re armed with the correct information you can decide where to go from here. I’d also get counselling if you can afford it. Don’t tell him what you’re doing just get it done.
Do not move out, if it’s an owned home he’s also entitled to stay but I’d encourage him to leave anyway in case he doesn’t know that.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/04/2025 20:32

"She hasn't been there for him, what life experience could she advise him on?"

The usual "My wife doesn't understand me" line, probably.

Fioratourer · 28/04/2025 20:35

Do you want to fight for your family? You are not the one that left! And for a teenage at the chippy! I hope he had his head turned and she didn’t feel the same. Op you deserve so much more!

Horses7 · 28/04/2025 20:38

You’re still in shock but you’re getting lots of good advice here.
Get angry and fight for your future life with your children.
Remember he’s lied and cheated, you can never trust him again. I’m sure he’ll have lots of excuses for his behaviour. Don’t trust a word that he or his parents say - they will be on his side.
Be strong and stay strong, you will be happy again.

S0j0urn4r · 28/04/2025 20:42

If it's a sexual relationship you can sue for adultery. If you decide to divorce.
As others have said, see a solicitor.
You deserve so much better.

Goldengirl123 · 28/04/2025 20:43

I wish him all the bad luck in the world. You can do better

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/04/2025 20:44

Horses7 · 28/04/2025 20:38

You’re still in shock but you’re getting lots of good advice here.
Get angry and fight for your future life with your children.
Remember he’s lied and cheated, you can never trust him again. I’m sure he’ll have lots of excuses for his behaviour. Don’t trust a word that he or his parents say - they will be on his side.
Be strong and stay strong, you will be happy again.

I'm not so sure his parents will be on his side. If I had a 30-something son who deserted his wife and children for a teenager I'd be outraged and disgusted with him, and give him the bollocking of a lifetime.

crockofshite · 28/04/2025 20:49

Why would you want to fight for a cheater?

Don't forget how he treated you in the run up before he left you for the teenager from the chippy. You don't want to go through that again, and there will be a next time.

Horses7 · 28/04/2025 20:50

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 28/04/2025 20:44

I'm not so sure his parents will be on his side. If I had a 30-something son who deserted his wife and children for a teenager I'd be outraged and disgusted with him, and give him the bollocking of a lifetime.

Show quote history

They may be disgusted with him but they’ll still be on his side, I wouldn’t fall out with them but I wouldn’t trust them an inch.

MamaLenny · 28/04/2025 20:51

So sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you have friends and family to support you in real life and glad you have a job interview lined up. What an absolute fool he is.x

Thisisittheapocalypse · 28/04/2025 21:04

User048261940582 · 28/04/2025 12:02

He has said it’s mostly emotional, they’ve been “there for each other” and have kissed but nothing more. He’s insisted they haven’t slept together but still says they’re in love.

thanks for the advice RE the interview. I do need to ace it. Luckily I’d pretty much finished my presentation and that was the most labour intensive bit. I have a session with my counsellor today, thank goodness. He’s messaging me asking if I love him and do I want to fight for my family. What the fuck do I say to that. Is he having regrets already?

Do you want to fight for your family? WTF? Is the lying, cheating arsehole hoping for a 'pick me' dance? How about he fights for his family since he's the one that's broken it!?

But only if you're interested in letting him try to fix this, of course, OP.

Take your time to decide what you want.

ChersHandbag · 28/04/2025 21:13

I am agog. What a seedy seedy wanker.

Lucked · 28/04/2025 21:20

Being cold and unkind is exactly the playbook my friends DH used when he had an affair. She was walking on eggshells and second guessing herself for months. It really pissed her off when it all came out and she realised he has been having an affair AND punishing her for it.

You don’t owe him responses beyond practicalities so don’t engage and let him sweat not knowing what your are thinking or doing, from his side he is only going to lie anyway.