I'm here again

[anonamum123]

After so much advice previously, particularly to my post regarding recovering from infidelity in February, I wanted to update and say this is a rollercoaster. I stayed in my marriage following months of infidelity last year. I kept finding out and he kept promising to stop.

In February 2025, it turns out they were back in touch although I had to find out myself again. Do i actually have anxiety or is my body telling me I am unsafe with good reason - my intuition feels similar to anxiety?

He decided he needed to leave for 2 weeks to appreciate what he has. I agreed, and was ok when he was away. I thought I would cope well long term because I wasn't anxious, i wasnt drinking and i slept all night... No worry.

He came back mid March full of promises.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...

He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here, I really want to believe him but his actions and words dont align? He's sleeping with her isn't he? Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

I have offered him to leave, said if he doesn't want to stay then please go... But he says he does. I said he is making it very hard because this behaviour will make co-parenting amicably really difficult - what the hell do i do? He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD so i understand he is finding it hard, but is mental health a justifiable excuse nearly a year on? He said he will get meds, but denies the affair.

I'm not entirely warm towards him, because i am waiting for his actions to align with his words, and for him to introduce quality time again with intimacy... But he has been back for 6 weeks and it isnt happening... Why come back home to me, to break me further? We have 2 young kids - this is no longer fair on any of us surely, but he can't see it? He is generally very intelligent, so i dont understand his behaviour, or does he think i am stupid and won't figure it out?

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

Thanks for reading this far.

He goes for such young women that he's very likely to have more kids, whether while with you or after separation..

So I'd be looking to get as much as you can out of separation.

Because every child he has will reduce his CM for your kids ...and of course split his resources throughout their lives.

It takes something like 200k to raise a kid in the UK. That likely doesn't include uni fees, gap year, first car, house deposit, and all the other things people often provide for their kids.

because he works really hard

How much would you have to pay people to do all the food etc. shopping cooking, meal prep, cleaning, laundry, household admin, childcare (huge cost if you outsource) in your household?

Why are you so unassertive for yourself and your kids in the face of someone treating you so poorly.

He stayed in a flat in the city centre near his work.. a holiday let. She also works in the city centre.

after so many people saying the same thing, it’s sinking in that I’m living a lie.

Don’t feel sorry for him, feel sorry for yourself & your kids.

This.

What a shit father and person.

Because I didn’t realise how bad it all sounded! 😣

I find it particularly sickening on your behalf that he said he was staying elsewhere for two weeks to appreciate what he has (which makes very little sense) when he was actually very likely just taking a time-out to indulge in his affair.

The lying right to your face about the Viagra and claiming they were for use with you ...ditto.

He thinks you're a fool.

It's almost perverse the way he lies to and manipulates you. Like an old fashioned farce.

He evidently picked you at a decade younger ...and very young, when you got involved partly because he thought he could treat you like a fool and would always have the upper hand ......and that has continued.

No doubt he thinks miss 22 is also under his thumb. You can't help but hope she fucks some ex or male friend or guy who's around. He's such a predator and bastard, you can't help but hope he gets some shit back.

No Miss 22, will sadly be posting on MN in the future. Sad, bad but true!

You never know.

I dated a divorcing serial cheater when I was 26.

He was a lot older.

(He did not cheat on his wife with me, he'd already done that many times and she was finally divorcing him).

He did dump his ongoing fwb - who thought she was his gf - to date me.

He had ED and had had for quite a while but was not straight about that with me. Said it was recent (it wasn't) and said he didn't have ED with his fwb because she was so into him & he didn't really care about her.

I got sick of the ED and sick of other elements of his behaviour; and shagged my ex.
Then told him, and we finished.

I don't think being cheated on and dumped was exactly in his game plan.

(Oh and peoples looks can change a lot heading for 50 or in their 50s; even the likes of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp have noticeably changed. He may not be able to hang onto 10 and 20 yrs younger women easily as time goes on. He's already taking Viagra to feel like he can perform well enough sexually. The 22 yr old has opportunities with 20 something and 30 something etc men. He also won't look so well off when he's divorced. Plus a few weekends with someone else's kids will start to sober you up about dating a parent real fast. She could meet someone without kids. It'll be a novelty at the start that will become way less attractive a prospect).

Well done you! A just ending.

OP, you will LTB, first time I’ve ever posted that, eventually.

What is LTB? 🙈

Leave the bastard.

Ah okay, yes - it feels so. Thanks - appreciate the support.

Awww! OP, you are naive!

But you will eventually leave him.

You will be better for it. The pain does go away!

This! You're his safety blanket. He wants you to stay right where you are. Not sure how old your kids are, but please remember they are watching and learning from you both about relationships.

On the other hand, is he trying to provoke OP into leaving him? Would that be any advantage to him, rather than him making the break? Sorry, OP but one way or another this needs to end, doesn't it? Your self respect requires it.

You need to catch a grip and change your mindset. He won't have any problem fucking you over and giving you assets. After all, his 22 year old mistress isn't with him for his loyalty and dynamic personality. You have kids to provide for and you want them to have the best life possible. You need your share on the assets to felicitate that. It's not his money. It's your money as a couple. You need to get angry, grow a backbone and take control. He's shagging around. He's made choices to betray your vows. He's damaged your family. He's jeopardised your health by shagging other people. He's spent family money on his mistress. He's made all of this choices that negatively impact you and your kids. Stop tolerating it. He's not loyal. He's not a family man. He will put his dick and his ego above all else. He isn't good enough for you and he doesn't deserve your love. Loyalty or pity. He's done all of this himself.

You’re projecting what you would do in this situation, if it was the other way around, onto him. You wouldn’t do this and you’re not a terrible person. He is doing this and he is a terrible person.

OP this PP is blunt, but spot on.

It will be hard at first but your mental health, your life and your children’s lives will be so much better in the medium to long term. You have to leave this awful man. He is only saying he wants to stay because he wants what you offer him. He doesn’t care about you or your feelings and he will continue to cheat on you and hurt you for the rest of your time together. Ignore his “sad face” and “sad eyes”. It’s manipulation, not real.

I'm just sending a hug - it's all been said, I think deep down you know what you have to do but it's like stepping off a cliff into the big, scary, dark unknown.
I get that completely - stay in what we know even though its bad rather than risk what we don't know.
My first step was to email a local family law firm and make an appointment.
Then each day, once I had started the process that I knew I had to do, it just got easier. I started to detach emotionally, focused on the practical and now I just wait for him to move out.
But I know my life will be happier, calmer, peaceful, no dramas, no disappointments, no crying myself to sleep wanting something that he cant give.

We are all here to hold your hand as you step off the cliff 😘