I'm here again

[anonamum123]

After so much advice previously, particularly to my post regarding recovering from infidelity in February, I wanted to update and say this is a rollercoaster. I stayed in my marriage following months of infidelity last year. I kept finding out and he kept promising to stop.

In February 2025, it turns out they were back in touch although I had to find out myself again. Do i actually have anxiety or is my body telling me I am unsafe with good reason - my intuition feels similar to anxiety?

He decided he needed to leave for 2 weeks to appreciate what he has. I agreed, and was ok when he was away. I thought I would cope well long term because I wasn't anxious, i wasnt drinking and i slept all night... No worry.

He came back mid March full of promises.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...

He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here, I really want to believe him but his actions and words dont align? He's sleeping with her isn't he? Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

I have offered him to leave, said if he doesn't want to stay then please go... But he says he does. I said he is making it very hard because this behaviour will make co-parenting amicably really difficult - what the hell do i do? He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD so i understand he is finding it hard, but is mental health a justifiable excuse nearly a year on? He said he will get meds, but denies the affair.

I'm not entirely warm towards him, because i am waiting for his actions to align with his words, and for him to introduce quality time again with intimacy... But he has been back for 6 weeks and it isnt happening... Why come back home to me, to break me further? We have 2 young kids - this is no longer fair on any of us surely, but he can't see it? He is generally very intelligent, so i dont understand his behaviour, or does he think i am stupid and won't figure it out?

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

Thanks for reading this far.

how to be amicable for my kids when he is turning out to be a piece of shit…

Many have been in your position, and many more will be.

They managed

Time flies.

No-one wants it but better than being the dupe and stooge of a man like him. It's essentially abuse, whether he means to abuse you or not.

How will you even ever have sex with him again, with certainty he couldn't be giving you something? You could get him to get tested and do so yourself but how would you know for sure he wasn't back shagging them again afterwards (since that's what he's done here)? So the test is not worth the paper it's on.

There's a lovely woman on here trying to work out how to date and meet a new partner with heroes, because her cheating ex h infected her with it.

Hpv would also be more common among the polygamous: which is what Yuh are if you have sex with a man who's having sex with other people.

What if one of his young partners is flaky on contraception and gets pregnant and goes ahead .... You'd and your kids would be dealing with a delightful half sibling as a product of cheating situation.

This kind of man is not relationship, let alone marriage material.

*herpes, obviously

(Also I don't know about you but I had many more partners when I was 22 than when older and in LTRs, so the fact that he cheats with such young women seems even riskier for getting some std off him).

Yes, I guess I’m not the only one to be in this position.

I just keep doubting myself, in hope that I am wrong but appreciate that’s naive and probably part of my nature… Naive with a hint of denial, but this is glaring me in the face.

Thanks for your advice - time to get my shit together.

Why would he stay? Why WOULDNT HE?

He can have his cake and eat it. He can have lovely wifey at home looking after the kids and the status of being a married man with a stable home and the seemingly unendless love from you AND he can have sex with whoever he wants without consequence because you won’t leave him and you will always believe his lies. He gets to mitigate his guilt because he is still with you and sees the kids everyday and doesn’t have to share his assets but can periodically leave and have sex with anyone. This is an absolutely dream deal for him. He gets everything and loses nothing.

I can see that you’re desperate to find meaning, to find ‘why’ he is doing that. There is some great advice and insight above. But the reason you asking ‘why’ is so you can explain it away. But it’s actually very simple. He does not want to give you what you need. And he never will. He will never prioritise you. He will always prioritise himself. This will never change. Just because you want it to be different doesn’t mean it will be. Just because he comes home with puppy dog eyes doesn’t mean he is going to change.

If you can accept this, then you can think about whether you want to live with someone who will never give you what you need. Is this acceptable to you? Is it good role modelling for your children? Is this what you would advise your best friend?

And if you realise you cannot live like that then go and read some ‘ducks in a row’ threads on mumsnet for ideas on what to do next.

He will be making it hard with all that Viagra in him.

Yes, it is time to get your big girl pants on and take back some control.

Get everything lined up, don't mention anything to him and then serve him papers - it will hurt, it will cause you pain, you will have huge roller coasters of emotions and you will doubt your own sanity at times. Be prepared for him telling you everything you want to hear when you take back that control - he will promise you the world to save his.
He has got to go - you know that.
Stay strong and get this 'handsome on the outside, ugly on the inside' piece of dirt out of your life.
You can do it - we are all here for you.

Even if we are wrong and he’s not meeting her (or someone else) for sex (he is) then what you know for sure is enough to break your trust and make you question his character. He needed time away from your family to decide if he wanted you or a 22 year old he barely knows. He has then claimed to want his family while making no real effort. He hasn’t sought therapy or made changes to his behaviour.

You seem very empathetic and are worried he is unhappy. Do you think he has much empathy for you? You cannot change or fix him. If he wants to change it has to come from him. I think it’s unlikely to happen but if it is it will only occur when he gets a huge shock like you leaving him. Maybe if he knows there are real consequences to his actions he will seek help for his dopamine seeking behaviour. Because he will only change if his bad behaviour negatively affects him. You being distraught is not enough for him to make a change.

To be honest you don’t deserve the years of work that is required even if he is willing to get therapy and it might never be fixable. You will regret not walking away when you were young and still able to build another life for yourself and your kids. You will always be waiting for him to mess up and leave you, and one day he will.

This. 100%

The non arsehole version of him isn’t waiting around the corner.

Please seek solo counselling because your self respect is nowhere to be seen.

This isn’t love this is fear and it’s paralysing you into accepting an untenable situation.

I think it is love from me, and equally fear. I appreciate that this is not love from him though.

You seem very empathetic and are worried he is unhappy. Do you think he has much empathy for you?

Yep.

He's treated the op, and by proxy their kids, abysmally (and continues to).- yet she's concerned and sad for him.

Op he doesn't care if he breaks you, if he breaks his kids' mother ...as long as he gets what he wants & suits himself.
It's not hyperbole to say that - there are people with mental and physical illnesses due to cheating, lying, gas lighting by their spouses and partners etc. There are people who've taken their lives due to it.

He's not a safe, healthy person to be in a relationship with.

He's not relationship material.

44 years old with a wife and young kids at home and he's shagging a 22 yr old waitress (?) who works for him, keeping Viagra in his workplace for their hookups ..... And it's not even his first time. What would you tell your sister or friend to do if they were with him?

Read you previous threads. I think you were about 18 when you met him and he was close to the 30.
Someone else could have asked then - what does this grown man have in common with a teenager?
Having read your threads I feel for you. Not for him. Don’t feel sad for him or that medication could help.
He’s sleeping with a young woman because he wants to and because he gets away with it. A wife at home doing the wife work and a young woman in his bed.
You are still so young at 33. This man is probably all you’ve known in terms of love.
He doesn’t love you.
As for leaving for two weeks to see how much he’d miss you all? Sickening.
He’s got viagra to ensure he can perform for the waitress. He probably likes the prestige of a business and money and feels it’s his right to have a mistress.
Your posts about him go back several years he’s had his foot out of the door the whole time.
You need to find your anger and get practical. Don’t be 40 or 50, beaten down by turning a blind eye to this man.
It is tough but he is walking all over you.

What does someone who is lying to you and has lied to you for months and years and will still be lying to you for as long as you are in contact look like?

Like he does. You don’t owe him any more years of your life.

What is the barrier that is holding you back from realising you don’t want to be lied to again and will have to leave to make this real? If you didn’t have children together, what would you say to your husband? And if one day your children know their dad was unfaithful to you, what will you say to them?

I think part of my issue is that i like to see the good in people, and see his potential.. I thought we were genuinely very happy before this. I completely trusted him, and thought he had changed.

I equally feel bad taking half of the assets, because he works really hard, and he will resent me for that. Appreciate i am entitled, but it still doesnt sit well with me.

But he wouldn’t be able to have built up those assets without your support and you taking the parenting load. Don’t think of them as his assets. They are literally 50% yours and your kids.

OP, you don't need to fall out of love with him in order to leave. You can be in love with someone AND recognise that they are not good for you and you should not be in a relationship with them. Accept that you love him, but that you also deserve more, as do your kids.

Yes, you're right. When did being an adult become so difficult.

I won't turn a blind eye, so i guess the only way is out.

Next time you have a wobble and see the good in him, picture him shagging this young employee probably at work, at hers and maybe even in your home, and probably shagging many others as well; imagine what he’s said to them to get them into bed. He’s probably been laughing at you behind your back with her, hiding Viagra and lying to your face and telling her god knows what but non of that will paint you in a good light.
And think about how vulnerable you were to his advances when you were 18, and think about how that’s playing out again now.
Don’t feel sorry for him, feel sorry for yourself & your kids.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP, but honestly your life will become easier when you’re not trying to make a relationship work with someone who’s chronically unfaithful, who lies and cheats and is endlessly willing to take advantage of your naïveté and of your longing to believe him (as PPs have said, he didn’t move out for 2 weeks in order to miss you; he didn’t take 28 lots of Viagra and fall asleep every time).

He doesn’t see you as a proper person. He sees you as an appendage of himself and doesn’t really care what you think or feel. He wants younger women who find him impressive but who don’t make significant demands.

This is not a man to hang on to. Let him go, OP - life will start to feel a lot simpler and easier.

Just to add that the fact that he - at nearly 30 - was pursuing you as an 18 year old was in itself a huge red flag and a clear indication that he wanted a partner he could control and dominate and who wouldn’t challenge him. At 18, you didn’t know what you didn’t know but you do now. After all, could you imagine dating a teenage boy now!?!?

His ADHD has feck all to do with this.

He is a lying and cheating scum bag who has trodden you down so much you're accepting him treating you like this.

I have ADHD and would never treat anyone like this. And I'm unmedicated.

because he works really hard

Not too hard that he doesn't have time to pull an early 20s waitress/barmaid while he's there.

And find time to fit in 28 Viagra's worth of shags since February....while you're at home caring for his young children.

Agree.

And he's doing similar, worse actually with a 22 yr old at twice her age.

He's predatory.

I'm sure the 22 yr old thinks she's mature, she's not.

He is doing what he wants, because he knows you won't do anything about it, he has got away with it, and will continue to, any excuse you eat up.

I dont mean that to be nasty, but why stop when he can just carry on with no repercussions, where did he go on the 2 weeks away from home?