I'm here again

[anonamum123]

After so much advice previously, particularly to my post regarding recovering from infidelity in February, I wanted to update and say this is a rollercoaster. I stayed in my marriage following months of infidelity last year. I kept finding out and he kept promising to stop.

In February 2025, it turns out they were back in touch although I had to find out myself again. Do i actually have anxiety or is my body telling me I am unsafe with good reason - my intuition feels similar to anxiety?

He decided he needed to leave for 2 weeks to appreciate what he has. I agreed, and was ok when he was away. I thought I would cope well long term because I wasn't anxious, i wasnt drinking and i slept all night... No worry.

He came back mid March full of promises.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...

He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here, I really want to believe him but his actions and words dont align? He's sleeping with her isn't he? Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

I have offered him to leave, said if he doesn't want to stay then please go... But he says he does. I said he is making it very hard because this behaviour will make co-parenting amicably really difficult - what the hell do i do? He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD so i understand he is finding it hard, but is mental health a justifiable excuse nearly a year on? He said he will get meds, but denies the affair.

I'm not entirely warm towards him, because i am waiting for his actions to align with his words, and for him to introduce quality time again with intimacy... But he has been back for 6 weeks and it isnt happening... Why come back home to me, to break me further? We have 2 young kids - this is no longer fair on any of us surely, but he can't see it? He is generally very intelligent, so i dont understand his behaviour, or does he think i am stupid and won't figure it out?

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

Thanks for reading this far.

Every time you look into those sad little lying eyes remember what his eyes look like when he's having sex. He looks like that with his other partner too.

Do you think he's sad when he's shagging someone else? Do you think he's thinking about your sadness, the pain he's going to cause, the upheaval to his kids? No! He's thinking about his dick and his ego. You care more about him than you care about your own MH and wellbeing. You need to stop. This isn't a loving relationship. The sad eyes are because he got caught and wants to manipulate you. You've seen those sad eyes before, did his sadness stop him doing it again? You need to wise up @anonamum123 . How long are you going to let him erode your self respect and self esteem?

He will never leave voluntarily, OP, because he is having his cake and eating it.

You have all the evidence you need, because if he was serious about loving you and wanting it to work, he'd never have contacted her again, she'd be blocked everywhere, and he would be fully committed, not going out buying viagra.

You need to go to chumplady.com and learn about kibbles (which you and his AP are feeding him in droves) and fake naugahyde remorse (which is all he has).

Your marriage is over, and all you have control over is whether you end it now, or after the next affair, or the next, or the next or.....

It is very difficult when you have been with someone a long time to just flick the 'care button to 'off'. It doesn't just go away.
However, why he is looking forlorn and sad is only your interpretation - maybe the real reason is because she's pregnant, given him syphilis, he's just lost a few grand in his stocks and shares, he got a parking ticket - but he is not feeling sad because of what he has done or how he has treated you. That is only your wishful thinking.

I guarantee that over time you will see him for what he is, you wont care if he's sobbing on your doorstep and full of remorse - you will get stronger and your heart will harden to him.

Send him packing to live his happy young (?) free and single life.

I’m sorry but has repeatedly lied and disrespected you, you cares if he looks sad. Tough. Kick him the fuck out, he is making the fool of you and of your marriage.

I understand that you feel for him. You love him. But either way you look at it neither of you are happy. Whether that be because he wishes he was with someone else or whether he knows he’s gone too far and you have checked out, it doesn’t matter. It’s over. You can’t be expected to live with the lies and disrespect he has shown you and he has not done anything for you to justify giving him another chance. And if he is sad about missing another woman then you kicking him out allows him to pursue it. I honestly think there is no other way than separation. Staying together will make you both miserable.

I appreciate this, thanks. Although it hurts to think like this.
I don’t understand how a 44 year old father and husband can be so compatible with a 22 year old waitress… It’s difficult to accept he’d rather have her than his family. I don’t know how to accept that, when he says different yet does nothing to repair us. It’s very hard, and I wish I could switch my feelings off.

@anonamum123 youare giving him too many choices . He can choose to stay with no responsibilities, no child care commitments and his standard of life doesn’t change .
He doesn’t have to make choices or watch his kids alone , because he has you to do it all for him . He also doesn’t have to share his wages and leave his comfy home because he can have his cake and eat it .
He doesn’t love you , he loves the way he can walk all over you and shag around while you care for the kids and rip yourself apart inside . He loves himself .

He will only stop doing what he is going when you kick his arse out the door for good!
For now he has no reason to stop .

I don’t understand how a 44 year old father and husband can be so compatible with a 22 year old waitress… It’s difficult to accept he’d rather have her than his family.

They probably won't be compatible when they have a proper relationship and time goes on.

He's very foolish.

But he's not been committed to your relationship. - to have gotten involved in the first place.

He also hasn't prioritised his kids.

What would he say if you say you're happy to open the relationship ? So at least he'd be up front with you

Op you really are naive .
What man doesn’t what a 22 year old. .
Ok there are decent ones out there but to think your man has his priorities with his family is mad . He hasn’t shown you in any way this is true .

I asked him that at Christmas, to see if he wanted to discuss the possibility. His response was ‘does that mean you get to date too’ and said it would be too weird

Okay, thanks for your honesty… I guess I thought being ten years younger than him was enough.

Oh there you go. He has a thing for younger females. Some men just don’t grow up .
They are more interested in their next lay or their ego.

You deserve better . He is going to end up a lonely old creepy man .

What man doesn’t what a 22 year old.

Eh?

In know plenty of men who, if single, wouldn't pick a 22 yr old. They'd be at completely different life stages. They wouldn't want more kids. They would be ribbed mercilessly by their mates and she wouldn't fit in their social circle, his family would be likewise "wtf". If their kids were teens, they know they'd be intensely uncomfortable. A youthful body to fuck is not everything. Fucking fades after a bit. A lot of men are fully aware of that. They'd also imagine a 22 yr old might get bored of dating somebody old enough to be her Da, who's doesn't fit in her social.group/with her peers either ... and would cheat on him/the novelty would wear off and she would move on sooner or later.

Eww.

He sounds like a creep

Ten years is bad enough.

Twenty two .... Cradle snatching.

And he's presumably senior to her/in authority over her ...which was incredibly unprofessional and a misuse of his position.

This is not a well adjusted man, at all.

Has he kids with previous partners?

Did he cheat with you too?

What if his "eyes are sad" because he'd rather be out screwing her, but he's at home with you, because it's her night out with friends and he's worried she'll replace him with someone her own age?

What if his "eyes are sad" because he doesn't like being confronted by his actions?

"His eyes are sad" is utterly ridiculous. You're feeling sorry for a serial cheat who thinks you're utterly stupid!

No kids with previous partners, no.

he did pursue me whilst he was with someone else, but I insisted he be out of the relationship before anything happened. Maybe I should have realised then…

I briefly socialised with an eternal man child sleaze, dick-led twat like this for a while.

He'd cheated with a 15 yr old glass collector who worked in his pub.

Had a wife and kids.

He told me that they waited til she was 16 til they had full sex ..... I pointed out that the age of consent was 17 in NI at that time.

Eventually he left his wife and even married the young woman. In spite of swinging and having threesomes and it presumably being his ideal set up, they still ended up divorced. He even rang the registry office and asked could they "undo" the wedding shortly after - because they were arguing so much.

He suspected her of cheating on him and didn't believe her stories that she needed to go a considerable distance and take hours to go to the hairdresser's.

They split and he then continued in a similar vein. When I met him he was with a woman (a good twenty years younger) but was still coming onto me (mid 20s). She suspected him of cheating or trying to cheat and she was correct.

He was a a record player with one record.

Note that his kids all went to their Mum's for Christmas, while he had a bachelor meal on his own with his divorced brother.

Last time I saw him he was talking about going to Thailand on holidays.

Yes, it's very clear he's happy to pursue women and start things with them while attached.

He has zero normal boundaries....re. not being single, re. the age of his partners, and his position in work.

Your self respect has to be stronger than your feelings or you will lose every time.

He’s cheating because you let him. Why would he change when he knows you won’t leave? The man does not give a shit about you, your feelings, or your marriage.

He will never change, ever, so you have two choices. Stay married to a man who fucks anyone he can at any chance he gets, or leave and build a new life for yourself. Those are your only two options.

You think he looks sad, I think you look sad. Staying with someone who clearly doesn’t love you, or appreciate you, in fact who lies to your face and might give you an STI for free. You have one life, and you are handing it to him on a plate. You are worth way more than this.

I'm sure her parents will be delighted that she's with a 22 years older bloke with kids (whom they'd need to be naive not to realise has cheated on his partner & kids Mum). Not to mention her boss (?) in work. Very professional and hogi integrity.

I'm sure her mates will all think it's totally normal too.

He's a serial cheater who likes them young, uses Viagra to help him keep it up/keep going with his - young enough to be his daughter - gf, who he's used his position authority & status to pull in his workplace (which would get you in a tribunal in many companies),.lies (ridiculous lies) to your face, and - even when given a chance he didn't deserve - continued doing it.

He's treating his kids Mum abysmally - which means he's treating his kids abysmally. He prioritising shags with a girl young enough to be his kid over his own children's family & home.

I think he's beneath you.

You didn't recognise when he tried to start a relationship with you when he wasn't single, that that's what he's like. You were probably too young and naive. Which is partly why he keeps picking young women. You know now however.