I'm here again

[anonamum123]

After so much advice previously, particularly to my post regarding recovering from infidelity in February, I wanted to update and say this is a rollercoaster. I stayed in my marriage following months of infidelity last year. I kept finding out and he kept promising to stop.

In February 2025, it turns out they were back in touch although I had to find out myself again. Do i actually have anxiety or is my body telling me I am unsafe with good reason - my intuition feels similar to anxiety?

He decided he needed to leave for 2 weeks to appreciate what he has. I agreed, and was ok when he was away. I thought I would cope well long term because I wasn't anxious, i wasnt drinking and i slept all night... No worry.

He came back mid March full of promises.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...

He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here, I really want to believe him but his actions and words dont align? He's sleeping with her isn't he? Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

I have offered him to leave, said if he doesn't want to stay then please go... But he says he does. I said he is making it very hard because this behaviour will make co-parenting amicably really difficult - what the hell do i do? He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD so i understand he is finding it hard, but is mental health a justifiable excuse nearly a year on? He said he will get meds, but denies the affair.

I'm not entirely warm towards him, because i am waiting for his actions to align with his words, and for him to introduce quality time again with intimacy... But he has been back for 6 weeks and it isnt happening... Why come back home to me, to break me further? We have 2 young kids - this is no longer fair on any of us surely, but he can't see it? He is generally very intelligent, so i dont understand his behaviour, or does he think i am stupid and won't figure it out?

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

Thanks for reading this far.

His girlfriend has probably gone cold on him meaning those sad, sad eyes. Bless him.

He's only staying because his other option isn't playing ball for whatever reason (maybe she's got sense), so you and the family home are the easy option.

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.
He's going to squeeze whatever labour he can get from you before he's finally done.

This man is not on your team.

Yes, back when he created a vacancy.

You can take comfort in the fact it won’t work out. Eventually she will want a family and he’ll be like what…mid fifties! He wants her because it’s forbidden and behind your back. He feels youthful again like he has no responsibilities and he can bask in this ‘new love’ feeling. It’s a fantasy which you are allowing to continue while staying with him and giving him his home comforts. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. It’s the only way to burst his fantasy.

He has shown you who he is over and over. First when he pursued you when in a relationship, then when he cheated on you at the beginning of your relationship and now when he has a loving family and is choosing to have sex with a woman young enough to be his child. Even if it fizzles out there will always be someone else. You are making this more painful for yourself by staying and trying to second guess his feelings or intentions.

You’re still so young. Once you have healed from this you will find someone else who sees your value. Your H will always chase the next shiny thing to validate himself.

He stays because he can. He has no incentive to leave. He can have his wife at home and his sidepiece whenever he fancies...it's a good deal for him, especially as they are no consequences for him. Neither from you or his affair partner. You both keep this douche bag around and accept that he he's not loyal, that he lies, lives a double life, and that he puts you both at risk sexually.

His response was ‘does that mean you get to date too’

Lol.

Him with his 22 yr old and his Viagra.

"Does that mean you get to date too?".

Fuuuuck.

Nah, we're all here to be your harem and domestic labour.

I said there are decent men .
He is clearly “that type” though and it’s not about intellectual conversation when you are stick buying viagra.
What I should have said is “going by MN posts what man doesn’t want a 22 year old “ plenty stories to back up what I’ve said.

Would you let another man/woman treat tour children like this ? As this is what you are showing them as acceptable behaviour. He is an excuse for a father willing to upset his childrens life for his own selfish needs/desires, but you as a mother need to set the example to your children or your as bad as him

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

He's probably just trying to give you the impression that he's committed to your relationship, family etc. So you don't get rid of him.

He probably also hopes it would lock you in. If you were to try to leave in future it would not only be "but the kids...", but also "but the business... ".

Seems like he wants you around/on side for a while

As I said, he probably knows the 22 yr old may walk - after the novelty wears off, if she realises what it's like to look to have to after somebody else's kids & have them in your space, and that there are plenty of other - easier - situations with young men around her own age to be had etc.

He wouldn't taking Viagra when he has no background of ED if he was secure and confident with a young woman.

if he is actually having an affair,

I'm sorry but why the fuck would he be buying Viagra, running out of it and buying more ..... And storing it at work (where the young woman he's been involved with also works) if he wasn't having an affair??

You said he's not been intimate with you and he made a frankly laughable excuse when challenged - that he fell asleep when he took it (or planned to take it). So, even if that truly happened once or twice ... what happened to the other 26 tablets, that meant he had to order another pack of 28?!

And why would he keep it at work if it's for use with his partner at home?

He's cheated before, he tried to.cheat with you ..... Why would he not be having an affair?

As I said, he probably knows the 22 yr old may walk - after the novelty wears off, if she realises what it's like to look to have to after somebody else's kids & have them in your space, and that there are plenty of other - easier - situations with young men around her own age to be had etc.

Just to add, he also knows that she's naive, foolish, low integrity, selfish, dippy, and easy moraled enough to shag an attached man with a family.
So I doubt he thinks other men would have a very hard time seducing her.

And she apparently hasn't even drawn the lines that you did, when you insisted he end his relationship before you proceeded.

Do you think he sees her as a solid bet for a relationship in which he doesn't get left or cheated on?
This guy likes to be the only one doing the cheating ...which is presumably why he's still hanging onto you and doing puppy dog eyes and trying to reel you in to future plans.

You’re right, she hasn’t worked there since last June, but they are both based in the city centre so close by.

I do understand and accept he is lying… I guess I’m stuck in limbo with the how to move forward, how to be on my own, how to move on, how to be amicable for my kids when he is turning out to be a piece of shit…

I'll break this down for you OP as gently as I can.
He stays and cheats because he can, he has proved time and again that he can fuck who he wants, when he wants and his good old dependable wife will have him back, and not really give him to hard a time.
He doesn't want to leave because a) he CAN have his cake etc etc b) you do all the work and he's a lazy bastard, it's easier to stay.
He IS a terrible person, he has absolutely not respect for you or the children.
He looks sad, because he's been caught again, he wants you to feel sorry for him, he wants an easy life BUT he's laughing behind your back, he is a self centred deplorable c*nt who does not deserve your tears or love.
OP I was you 25 years ago, I now have an amazing husband who does respect and love me, I also have very happy children ( now adults) who flourished when their Mum took control of her life and stopped being sad, heartbroken and a door mat.

You don’t need to make any final decisions now but you should speak to a solicitor so you can have all the facts. Just take it all one step at a time.

I would tell him you need space to process everything that’s happened and how you want to move forward. Ask him to move out so you can concentrate on getting stronger mentally and becoming independent. You don’t need to give him a timeline or any more clarity on your feelings. Let him stew and wonder what you will do. He deserves the anxiety of not knowing what his life will look like. Take back the control.

It’s scary to leave but you shouldn’t stay with him because of fear. You must know deep down that you will never feel safe with him again and you don’t deserve to feel anxious for the rest of your life. If you drag this out too long you will regret the years you wasted.

Pretty much every thread on MN about infidelity where the person who was cheated on stayed said it took years and sometimes decades to get over and looking back they wished they had walked away when they first found out. And most relationships fail within 5 years of infidelity- that’s with the cheater putting in the work to reconcile.

This is not your fault and you did not choose to be put in this position. But now you are you need to make the best decision for you, because ultimately that is the best decision for your family. If you are miserable it will affect your children.

Absolutely fair play to you for asking this @anonamum123
‘asked him that at Christmas, to see if he wanted to discuss the possibility. His response was ‘does that mean you get to date too’ and said it would be too weird’

So presumably if you’d said ‘no you hop along there with my blessing and I’ll sit chastely at home waiting for you’ he’d have bitten your hand off. But because you pointed out it’d be like for like, he’s said no and instead is doing it on the sly. And he’s used at least 28 Viagra to do that which tells you exactly how much sex he’s having with her (or someone else). Kindly, you’ve aged out for him - you’re his wife, business partner, mother of his kids. He doesn’t see any of those as mysterious, or sexy, or forbidden. And equally he doesn’t respect what many men would understand in terms of the value all of those things bring, which are more important than sexy naughtiness and when you’re a grown up. It does not mean he has anything in common with her. It just means she represents less responsibility, it’s being Peter Pan. He’s emotionally immature.

You don’t have to leave him Op, you can stay and put up. Many people do.
Or you can face into the mess of a breakup - and it will be messy and painful, and hard and initially you & the kids might be financially worse off:

But you are so young - many people are only starting out on the journey of settling down and having a family by your age. You can end this painful chapter and start a new one - having had your beautiful kids, having loved deeply but now knowing your worth and demanding more. Look at what 50:50 assets gets you and how you start again - do you rebuild a new venture alone? Do you keep the business and work together but separate partners? Do you do something completely different with your life?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
+ Mary Oliver

Oh yuck, how old were you when you got together? 20-something? He's obviously into young women and you've got 'too old' for him. 🤢

And that wasn’t enough to make you see that he is absolutely egocentric and wants to shag around while you play little miss housewife and he gets to have a side gig as loving family man from time to time?

you will be forever anxious and playing detective. Your anxiety and resentment and emotional turmoil will mess with your children and affect their mental health and perception of how relationships work.

seek therapy and work on your self worth. Because right now there is none. Appreciate yourself - youvdeserve better.

And: never trust words over action. Words are cheap. Inconsistency between what someone says and what they do is a red flag. Your husbands waving more red flags than a Chinese party committee.

Remember this when he talks again, when you leave him and find someone else: words and actions need to align.

How many more red flags do you need? Why does a person keep doing this? Simply because you let them

I don’t understand how a 44 year old father and husband can be so compatible with a 22 year old waitress…

Maybe cause he's a shallow, basic-bitch cringe fest of a person?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

He's hedging his bets.

He either already knows he won't be starting a proper relationship with the 22 yr old, or he hasn't decided whether we will or not.

He's not going to leave himself single/alone and not going to go through a divorce (with all the financial etc. implications) "unnecessarily".

You'll be strung along until.he decides (or as I said, he's perhaps already decided he's not leaving but he doesn't want to stop seeing/shagging her and thinks he can get away with it).

It doesn't sound like he wants you to end it. Otherwise he presumably wouldn't be talking about future business endeavours etc.

Why would he stay and cheat on the mother of his young children? When i keep finding out? Why wouldnt he just leave...

You're applying your morals and motivations.

Those are not his morals and motivations.

You already had a few clues about his morals/motivations/character in that he tried to start a relationship with you while in a relationship with another woman, and then he cheated on you by the sounds of it after you started seeing each other. Now he's been cheating again.

He's not a "one or the other, one person at a time" type. He's a messy, overlapping, entitled, selfish, feckless cheater/shagger etc.

He probably hasn't decided definitively what he's going to do, but he hasn't wanted to stop shagging and romancing the 22 yr old (if it's still her he's shagging and not someone else) so he's still doing it.
He's presumably been thinking he wouldn't get caught, or if he did he'd lie & manipulate his way out of it (which is what he's doing), and you wouldn't dump him.
Because you didn't dump him the last time, and that was possibly before you even got married or had his kids (?) so he figures you won't dump him this time either, especially with more ties.

He sounds like a bit of a narcissist.

There's ADHD in my family and funnily enough there's also narcissism that I can clearly see in my family members and myself.

Out of my three siblings, I only know of one who hasn't definitively cheated on a partner.

That diagnosis may be more reason to extract yourself from the relationship, not less.

Just to add, some men always have at least two women on the go. That's their character and inclination, underpinned by their values. You're like "why doesn't he just leave for her, why would he keep cheating but stay" etc.

You're applying your logic. It's not his logic. It's not the logic of men who wants a main "chick" and side chicks.

It's not the logic of the type of man who's trying to start a relationship with a woman 10.years younger while he's not single, or who starts a relationship with a 22 years younger woman while married with kids. He has no problem with running women concurrently, he has no problem with overlapping.

I think that baggage reclaim, which is maybe chump lady's site has a lot of insight into cheaters and men who run at least two women for a while (or indefinitely in some cases). Maybe it would help you. You wouldn't be applying your morals and logic to him, when he's not like you.

Oh okay. I understand your point and appreciate your pragmatic way of thinking. I guess the emotional attachment makes this very difficult, and the thought of breaking my family 😣.

Previous cheating was before kids, yes.

I wonder if medication would help him… but I guess with him working late nights, I’ll always wonder and he’ll always have options - being the boss, good looking and with money. He’s always found it difficult to resist temptation, so I guess this is no different, but he can’t leave me for her… maybe his family man image and dividing money is part of that.

I guess the emotional attachment makes this very difficult

Without a doubt.
It's not unlike a bereavement and is a painful thing.
However the pain will lessen and you will recover.
You can meet someone else in time if you wish.
You can and will emotionally attach to someone else.

and the thought of breaking my family

You're not the one breaking your family. He took your forgiveness/acceptance of cheating before and instead of learning from it and appreciating it, he cheated again. But after marriage (?) and much more importantly after bringing kids into the world with you. That is so incredibly immoral and irresponsible.

He didn't deserve a chance but you gave it, and he's still really obviously cheating with either the young woman or someone else.

At this point he has trashed your relationship and family.

You didn't break it. He did. You are only acting with an ounce of self preservation.

He's toxic. He's the sort of man who could ruin a woman's mental and by proxy physical health.

He's affecting your a little to be a chilled, happy, secure, confident, full throttle Mum..... Which affects your kids, no matter how much you try to be normal.

Personally I don't think medication for ADHD will change his behaviour.

His morals and values cannot be changed.

I'm sure there are plenty of people with ADHD who don't cheat.

It's not the reason he cheats.

I'd be more inclined to sag he's a narcissist or sociopath, as well as having ADHD.

maybe his family man image and dividing money is part of that

Definitely.

He won't want to split his assets.

And, having married and had kids, he won't want to be seen as the shit who left them for a very young woman.

being the boss, good looking and with money

The man I know who he reminds me of (he's a lot older now) never stopped - as long as I knew himm- the cheating/shagging behaviour.

He also went in a downward spiral financially/success wise.

I think he had a house paid off but that's all.

That sort of disordered personality tends to manifest throughout someone life.

I'd get what you can while he's still successful (presuming he is) and gtfo. You can meet a man who's not always picking up you get women at work etc. Not all men cheat, some are straight and one women men.

(The fact he does that, being the owner/manager - says it all about his general integrity. He could end up in legal hot water due to that sometime, do you really want dragged into that kind of shit?).

Yes, I have wondered if he would decline due to his carelessness - I don’t really want to stay on a sinking ship either.

I don’t want to be dragged in to anything, no.

What a mess 😣