I'm here again

[anonamum123]

After so much advice previously, particularly to my post regarding recovering from infidelity in February, I wanted to update and say this is a rollercoaster. I stayed in my marriage following months of infidelity last year. I kept finding out and he kept promising to stop.

In February 2025, it turns out they were back in touch although I had to find out myself again. Do i actually have anxiety or is my body telling me I am unsafe with good reason - my intuition feels similar to anxiety?

He decided he needed to leave for 2 weeks to appreciate what he has. I agreed, and was ok when he was away. I thought I would cope well long term because I wasn't anxious, i wasnt drinking and i slept all night... No worry.

He came back mid March full of promises.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks. I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...

He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here, I really want to believe him but his actions and words dont align? He's sleeping with her isn't he? Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

But what kind of person would keep doing this, when i have said i am open to moving forward with reconciliation, who would continue to treat someone this way? Or does he want me to end it.. I don't understand this behaviour.

I have offered him to leave, said if he doesn't want to stay then please go... But he says he does. I said he is making it very hard because this behaviour will make co-parenting amicably really difficult - what the hell do i do? He has recently been diagnosed with ADHD so i understand he is finding it hard, but is mental health a justifiable excuse nearly a year on? He said he will get meds, but denies the affair.

I'm not entirely warm towards him, because i am waiting for his actions to align with his words, and for him to introduce quality time again with intimacy... But he has been back for 6 weeks and it isnt happening... Why come back home to me, to break me further? We have 2 young kids - this is no longer fair on any of us surely, but he can't see it? He is generally very intelligent, so i dont understand his behaviour, or does he think i am stupid and won't figure it out?

He's currently discussing our next business venture, which seems crazy if he is actually having an affair, because a divorce would surely halt any future venture while a division of assets were underway.

Thanks for reading this far.

I didn't think i did, however I am questioning it now.

I took his words on face value... Why would he stay and cheat on the mother of his young children? When i keep finding out? Why wouldnt he just leave... I didnt think he was a terrible person, I've known him a long time.. Maybe i am in denial? Because if he is continuing, which is looking likely, then he is a terrible person.

He doesn't want to leave, he'd rather keep his home comforts and assets, and the family man image.

He just doesn't want to be faithful either.

Of course he'll stay if you let him, he gets you running around trying to please him and his other woman or women to shag.

You're coming at it from the wrong angle. He's not cheating because he wants to leave you. He's cheating because he can and you'll just swallow down his bullshit as best you can.

I took his words on face value...
He lies. All the time. You cannot trust a single word he says. You need to figure out why YOU have trusted a liar for years. Look inwards.

Why would he stay and cheat on the mother of his young children?
Why does anyone cheat? It's because they longer want their partner.

Why wouldnt he just leave?
Why would he? He's richer when with you. Has a house. Has someone cooking, cleaning, looking after him. Has someone who believes in his lies and he can screw whoever he wants.

He won't change so you need to change yourself. If you can't walk away right now then please seek counselling and anything else that will improve your self confidence and self esteem (gym, new hobby, knit n natter type social activities). Once those are in place you will see you are worth more than this lying cheating scumbag.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why does it take us so long to finally close the door on someone that treats us so badly?

I've been there.

Its because you are a decent person who is trying to hold your family together because your family is your priority - but you are doing that alone.
My advice would be to find a good counsellor who will help you work through all your thoughts and emotions, clear the fog a little for you and help you cope with what is a difficult situation.
I would also be seeking legal help and start divorcing him.
Gather evidence of shared assets, any hidden assets he may have - everything you can get your hands on.

I think he is staying for financial reasons and he realises that you will get half of everything WHEN you decide you have had enough. He is keeping you sweet until he is ready to discard you.

I don't think you need to have grounds for divorce anymore either?

Keep it all quiet from him, start planning your future, don't expect him to change and take control of the situation yourself. What a horrible, disrespectful man.

Yes it will be painful and it will hurt - but surely him sleeping around and treating you like some kind of fool is too.

Time to be brave and take out the trash!

He keeps doing it because he wants to.

He's talking about the business venture because he believes that eventually, you're going to just accept the way things are. You'll accept his affairs.

You do know that when he went away for 2 weeks he was with at least one woman, don't you?

Your marriage will always be like this. He will never change.

I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction. He lied about buying them and has kept the majority at work, hidden in a ceiling tile. Is he trying to impress a 22 year old? Urgh...
He swears blind he does not want to leave, that the tablets are for us... and that he has tried taking them with good intention for him and i but he has always fallen asleep beforehand.... Am I stupid here

You would be foolish/delusional to believe they were bought for use with you and that's he's fallen asleep each time he tried to use them (and that he's kept them at work for inexplicable reasons), yes.

I'm sorry.

Your post is all about him and what he wants.

Why do you keep taking him back? Why are you allowing him ti treat you like this? Why are you letting him further impact your mental health and wellbeing? Dump the prick

Am I completely foolish for wanting him to be telling me the truth?

No you are completely human and normal.

He won't though

I've cheated in the past; a a cheater won't tell the truth until there is no benefit or advantage left for them in lying.

Cheaters are ultimately selfish and entitled. Usually a bit narcissistic.

At this point, there is no advantage to him telling you the truth ..but lots of disadvantages. So he won't.

Even after some cheaters have split up with the person they cheated on, they still won't tell the truth because it would make them look bad. Again, it's not to their advantage/benefit.

Cheaters want to end the relationship with the person they're cheating on IF they want to end it and WHEN they want to end it. Telling you the truth would take that control and superior position away from them. Because you might get angry and despairing and "done" enough to end it. Or certainly to stop being committed.
They don't want that, they want to be the only person deciding if and when the relationship ends.

They also don't want to deal with the 'hassle" of more anger, upset, recriminations etc from you.

The fact that he don't finish your relationship or be honest enough do that you'd finish it tells me that he either doesn't think the relationship with the other woman has legs long-term (at all)... or that he doesn't know if it has legs yet.

(If she's much younger, he's probably thinking she's a young woman in the throes or a crush/early relationship experiences/relatively inexperienced and green ...but she might wise up in time/get bored, and focus more on young men around her age. What you're cradle snatching, you're always aware that's a possibility)..

There is also the possibility that he he never intended to leave and still doesn't .... But feels entitled to women/sex/fun on the side. You meet the criteria and he's locked into you as "main chick" at home - he possibly feels very settled and familiar and comfortable and perhaps superior in your relationship sm he doesn't actually want to leave it. Just to do what he wants on the side when the opportunity are arises

This!

WTAF OP, why are staying with this man?

And this. Hard to hear but it’s true (I’ve cheated too in the past). Once it’s happened once, it’s so easy to just do it again.

He is continuing being unfaithful and he is a terrible person which is why you need to separate. He is gaslighting you, making you question yourself when you actually do know that he is unfaithful and that is why he bought the viagra.

He is the bad guy and he is treating you and your children like shit.

Because for whatever reason, this woman he's been having an affair with for at least a year, can't or doesn't want to live with him.

Either she's married, or she just wants to continue the relationship without living with him for now.

As soon as that changes, he'll leave you for dust.

You need to be proactive and end your marriage now.

I'd guess because OP so desperately wants life to be normal and to be safe. But you can't put the genie back in the bottle, OP. You know he's a liar and a cheat and HE knows that you will suck up any story he wants to tell you because of your desperation to keep the status quo.

You will never again be happy with him. This is not a relationship, it's a war of attrition.

No-one using Viagra at home with their partner, needs to keep them in a ceiling void at work.

I found out he had bought 28 viagra tablets at the end of February, and 28 again last week. He has not been intimate with me and has no history of erectile dysfunction.

Why would he buy another 28 Viagra if he hadn't used them up?

They wouldn't hand gone out of date that fast.

And he wasn't using them up with you because he hasn't had sex with you.

Even if he took some and fell asleep instead of having sex with you (unlikely).... He didn't do that 28 times.

The fact that he's taking Viagra and that she's it 22 ....seems to back up my theory that he's not leaving or left because he's insecure /anxious/lacking confidence etc. about their relationship.
He doesn't feel his normal, unenhanced sexual performance & stamina would be enough for her. He's trying to prove he's as potent & energetic sexually as a young man.

He either doesn't want to leave or he doesn't feel confident enough to leave yet ... Partly because she's only 22. I'm sure he's well aware she may have the experience of their relationships and then move on after a while; and he doesn't want to be left with no-one and nothing, having to find another partner ...better to keep you onside until he knows how things will pan out.

I'd also say he's using Viagra because they have snatched moments, and he wants to make sure he performs and gets the most out of them.

(That's why a lot of older men who use prostitutes for example, take it. So they get the use out of their session which they'd have to pay for regardless of whether they didn't keep it up for the entirety).

In very simple terms, op : a cheater of either sex has one partner and one potential partner.

If they tell their partner the truth and the partner leaves them sooner or later, they now have one potential partner.

If the potential partner doesn't "stick" and moves on, they now have zero partners and are all on their lonesome.

(And in the case of people with kids, have just chucked their kids nuclear family away for "nothing").

The cheater has to play the situation carefully to ensure they end up with at least one partner.

(If they tell the truth, those facts may end up being heard by family members friends, acquaintances, the community etc., affecting their image, and they don't want that either).

So where was he during the two weeks he was ‘away’ and somehow got through 28 Viagra tablets? Come on, OP. He’s pretending to want to stay married so he doesn’t lose half (or more) of everything financial. That’s it. He’s still shagging the 22 year old.

Please, open your eyes.

Don't offer him to go. Why would he if you are letting him walk all over you? You are accepting his lies and have done so for years.

Tell him to leave

My Ex of 20+ years did this and it ruined my mental health. He wanted the excitement and fun of an affair, but wanted his home comforts too. As far as i know he never had an affair but tried to so many times. He was afraid to leave me incase it didnt work out and he was alone.

Then he tried to have an affair with a mutual friend and i found out about it, it wasnt flirting but a proper attempt to get her into bed. He ended it when i found out.

OP it ruined my mental health and peace of mind. I was anxious, on anti depressants, beta blockers and diet pills. For 3 years i tried to take sneaky looks at his phone, tried to see what site he was on, stalked him on line to prove if he was still in touch with his latest fling to be.

I ended it nearly 3 years ago as my head was battered. Ironically i think he was was on his best behaviour, wasnt chasing women and was committed but it was too fucking little too fucking late.

When he left he moved in with the woman he tried to have an affair with 3 years previously. Says it all really

Please OP, dump him, he is not committed and is treating you like a fool. He wants the excitement but also his home comforts. This man is not your friend and is probably trying to hide assetts and money whilst you live in a bubble unware of what he is up to.

Get Rid OP.

Sorry in advance for being blunt op. But…WTAF are you doing? Wake TF up, smell TFing coffee, and Dump his Lying, Cheating Arse! He is making a fool of you, and a mockery of your relationship and you are Letting Him.

Oh OP, wake up and get rid. He sounds awful, he is a terrible person.

She's 22, of course he doesn't want to leave you for her as he knows it won't be long lasting, it's prob just a fling to her, and he'll be on his own. He's having his cake and eating it.

All this back and forth is more damaging for your kids than him being permanently gone, and it will be much better for your anxiety, you've already said that. Don't let him treat you like this 😟

He is doing it because he can and you are letting him. I imagine he’s worried about losing money so that’s why he doesn’t leave. You need to fuck him off, he won’t ever change.

Thanks for all the responses. All taken on board... My problem is, maybe my attitude is all wrong but here goes... He looks so sad, most of the time? His eyes are sad. Maybe it is because I can't brush it off? Which obviously I cant.. Or maybe it is because he knows he wants out.. I can't help but feel sorry for him? And want to help him? Like I don't want him to be really lonely, as sad, when he leaves our family home - it feels like he is destroying himself as well as me, if that makes sense?