Would you run for the hills?

[Heregoes234]

Okay this is a weird one. I started seeing a guy last year. It moved fast and at times I told him he was being a bit intense and felt like he was love bombing me. Such as saying he loves me in two months..
He showers me with affection and after coming out of a previous relationship two years prior, which was abusive and cheating involved I think feeling like the apple of someone’s eye was nice. My friend said maybe I needed that and it’s okay for me to end it if my feelings have changed.

But as more time goes on, at the six month mark I am realising there is aspects about him and things he does that makes me feel
uncomfortable and disrespected. Here’s the thing I don t know if it’s me being silly or insecure.

I saw him liking provocative pics on social media at first and thought not nice to see, childish at most but this is where it started and I then noticed more. Such as going out for the day with him and seeing him have visual reactions to young women such as stopping mid conversation and going oh my god and watching them walk away. When it happens I’ll feel shocked and awkward as not been with a guy who acts this way.

Then here’s the one I find the worst, he journals. So everyday he writes about his day what impacted him and what he done.
He takes it everywhere with him and yesterday evening I was making him dinner and he asked for a hug, when I hugged him I saw a sentence he just wrote saying he found his flat mate to be really pretty with doe eyes and these were things he says about me and I don’t know am I being precious is he a bit of a creep? I brought it up and said I feel uncomfortable that he wrote that whilst with me and feels that way about his flat mates.

This isn’t the first time. I would never go through someone’s journal but admit at the beginning of the relationship he sent me a video flicking through his journal to me to show his handwriting, and I read a bit of it and when I did every page he wrote about women he hired at work calling them tasty, to women at the gym to his friends gfs in the same fashion.

I think it’s given me the ick. I know this all sounds childish and people will suspect I’m young but I’m actually 30. Tell me to get a grip I don’t know what to make of it. I expressed in a relationship early on I don’t like it when guys lust over women in front of me and know it’s natural but prefer my partner to be more discreet. After breakdown of my last relationship I had to work on my self esteem and I feel this won’t help me.

He thinks I’m being silly and these are very minor things.

It disrespectful to behave in thst way when he sees an attractive woman. We all find others attractive but we can be discreet about it. I don't think I could be arsed with him tbh

Yup - he’s a creep and a self indulgent one at that. He has no respect for you and sees women as objects . LTB.

Sexist creep. Poor judgment to have dated him this long.

You don’t need to justify ending things, but I wouldn’t like that either. He’s not the one for you, at least you found out now.

If you've got the ick ( and who wouldn't) throw him back and find a better one.

Thank you. God my family and friends have met him and they think I’ve found a real
gem. People would think I’m ridiculous to end it. I said I understand we all find people attractive and have fleeting thoughts but you can be more respectful about it. I can’t watch a tv show without him going wow she’s beautiful or mentioning an actor in the films wife in real life is really attractive.

I admit I need to continue to work on my self esteem. Today I woke up not sad just deflated by it all.

He sounds immature at best and trying to make you insecure by openly lusting after other women at worse. How would he feel if you stopped mid sentence to turn around and gawp at another man? Also the carrying a journal around with comments lusting after other women just sounds bizarre, especially to have it in your eye line. He sounds like he’s 13!

Thank you. I think this is the kicker as I have brought up before how it makes me feel seeing him act this way. How I’ve worked hard on my confidence and self esteem since my last relationship and stuff like this doesn’t make me feel great and I suspect further down the line will get worse.

Last time I brought it up he just said take your knickers off I am coming round to fuck you. I didn’t see the msg and he was at my door ten minutes later. He moved down the road from me last month to be closer. Again I thought this was a bit much.

OP you mention you came out of a relationship which was abusive. I wonder if you would benefit from doing the freedom programme or similar course about recognising abusive traits in partners.
His behaviour is giving red flags 🚩 here. He will know full well his comments will have a negative effect on your self esteem, you’ve told him this, yet he persists. And yes it is a bit much to move so close to you without discussion.

What friends/family think isn’t important but most would likely change their opinion if they were aware of his creepy behaviour.

Run for the hills, yes. He sounds awful.

Yes, run for the hills. Hope the comments others have made help you to do this.

Im doing that program at the moment. I have always struggled to assert boundaries but in this relationship I have mentioned it and two his face yesterday telling him to leave.

I ended it but he doesn’t think I’m being serious.

Thank you these msgs are helping me realise I am not being silly and it’s valid.

Grim 😬 this gives me the ick just thinking about it. I’d cut this one loose.

That’s disgusting behaviour

This.

glad to see you have ended it, @Heregoes234. Stick to your guns and continue to work on your self esteem. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is a worthwhile read.

Really gross and not normal. I’ve never had a relationship with a man who acts like that.

Be careful though as it sounds like he will be hard to get rid of especially as he has moved to be nearer to you.

The journal alone would do it for me; what a self indulgent prat, get rid asap

We all see attractive people out and about, and there's nothing wrong in THINKING to yourself 'Wow that person is gorgeous', but to stop mid-sentence and openly ogle is highly inappropriate. It's highly offensive to the person you're walking with but actually it's offensive to the person you've openly ogled and is probably feeling uncomfortable if they noticed!! In my mind someone who is behaving in this way, is either someone who is socially clueless with no self-awareness or they are doing this deliberately. If it's deliberately, then it's someone who enjoys others feeling insecure, unnerved and having power over their emotions. It's to grind down self-esteem, leaving that person questioning their own judgement. Abusive men often, to the outside world, look like they are perfect and if you were to tell family/friends, they wouldn't be able to correlate the man they see, with the man you see. In my mind, this man knows exactly how he's behaving, and knowing you have been in an abusive relationship previously, he knows that makes you vulnerable, and more likely to be able to be manipulated. I'd end the relationship, his behaviour isn't normal and it isn't acceptable.

In addition to all the red flags about him as a boyfriend his behaviour suggest he harasses women more generally, on the street and perhaps also at work.

It would be more of a sprint than a run, to be honest, but it sounds like you've worked that out already.

You must know this is wrong OP. Lovebombing you then making you feel lousy about yourself. This is typical abusive behaviour.
You should have a lot of counselling before entering Into another relationship. I see a pattern of being attracted to abusive men.

I agree

Thank you I honestly thought the majority of responses would have been telling me to grow up and that his journal is a personal thing etc.

It’s just deflating I thought I got it right this time. He’s easy to talk to seemed to care about me but then there was this behaviour and the first few times it would be they are just a friend, that didn’t happen and now it’s this is just minor things.

Oh good greif no, it shows you the focus of his thoughts. You are not being unreasonable at all in how your feel.