Would you run for the hills?

[Heregoes234]

Okay this is a weird one. I started seeing a guy last year. It moved fast and at times I told him he was being a bit intense and felt like he was love bombing me. Such as saying he loves me in two months..
He showers me with affection and after coming out of a previous relationship two years prior, which was abusive and cheating involved I think feeling like the apple of someone’s eye was nice. My friend said maybe I needed that and it’s okay for me to end it if my feelings have changed.

But as more time goes on, at the six month mark I am realising there is aspects about him and things he does that makes me feel
uncomfortable and disrespected. Here’s the thing I don t know if it’s me being silly or insecure.

I saw him liking provocative pics on social media at first and thought not nice to see, childish at most but this is where it started and I then noticed more. Such as going out for the day with him and seeing him have visual reactions to young women such as stopping mid conversation and going oh my god and watching them walk away. When it happens I’ll feel shocked and awkward as not been with a guy who acts this way.

Then here’s the one I find the worst, he journals. So everyday he writes about his day what impacted him and what he done.
He takes it everywhere with him and yesterday evening I was making him dinner and he asked for a hug, when I hugged him I saw a sentence he just wrote saying he found his flat mate to be really pretty with doe eyes and these were things he says about me and I don’t know am I being precious is he a bit of a creep? I brought it up and said I feel uncomfortable that he wrote that whilst with me and feels that way about his flat mates.

This isn’t the first time. I would never go through someone’s journal but admit at the beginning of the relationship he sent me a video flicking through his journal to me to show his handwriting, and I read a bit of it and when I did every page he wrote about women he hired at work calling them tasty, to women at the gym to his friends gfs in the same fashion.

I think it’s given me the ick. I know this all sounds childish and people will suspect I’m young but I’m actually 30. Tell me to get a grip I don’t know what to make of it. I expressed in a relationship early on I don’t like it when guys lust over women in front of me and know it’s natural but prefer my partner to be more discreet. After breakdown of my last relationship I had to work on my self esteem and I feel this won’t help me.

He thinks I’m being silly and these are very minor things.

What a creep! How bizarre to write a diary detailing all the strange women you fancy when you've got a girlfriend?! Definitely dump him. He sounds appalling.

Grim. Bin.

Yeah the journal I don’t know I was hoping someone who journals would respond as I don’t know if I’m being ridiculous. It feels worse he’s a month behind so he refers to his phone notes to write most days. So I was like okay I’m making this man a meal in my house whilst he writes about finding his house mate pretty with doe eyes and so on. I didn’t feel angry or sad just deflated at the time I have spent with this person to just be disappointed.

I have therapy my therapist thought he sounded good! My family and friends love him it’s just this behaviour he does that doesn’t sit well with me. Sometimes I can see I have read into things and others I’m like why do that when I’ve expressed it doesn’t make me feel great.

Hes 35 and I feel this is something I’d would of dealt with in a teenager relationship.

I’m also an avid journal keeper and I think taking it around everywhere with him is a tiny but performative lol. But to each their own. But the other behaviours you describe are fucking gross. Major ick. Dump him asap and run away.

Well done op it's hard to end things. Definitely think you've made the right choice.

The journal thing plucked my interest as that's something that's routinely suggested to porn/sex addicts in recovery. It can certainly be a helpful self reflecting tool done in the right way to combat entitlement. It however doesn't seem like he is using it well or has a guided recovery and ofcourse he could just be someone who enjoys journalling although it isn't particularly common among men particularly.

Either way op not the person for you. Trust your gut going forward.

Fuck. Me. Get your trainers on girl. He gets worse the more you post and the first post was a shocker.

⛰️⛰️⬅️⬅️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

Grim.

He's a graduate of the Andrew Tate charm school.

please ditch him - today.

Hills ========> this way.

I have therapy my therapist thought he sounded good! My family and friends love him it’s just this behaviour he does that doesn’t sit well with me. Sometimes I can see I have read into things and others I’m like why do that when I’ve expressed it doesn’t make me feel great.

one change you can make today is not being swayed by the opinions of others. It's your life, your relationship, you have to live with the decisions you make.

I'm amazed that if you described him the way you have to us, that your therapist and family/friends think he's great.

Your therapist thought he sounded good? Well you must have been telling them different to what you told us?! He's immature and treats women like objects to be ogled. Gross frankly.
And journalling to me sounds weird, full stop.

My mother would say "he'll lead her a life, all the signs are there".

And bugger what your family and friends think. They aren't you.

I mentioned the journal but haven’t seen her since recent events. But equally I’ve not mentioned here his good points.

God I don’t know I know my feelings are valid and it’s not okay after I’ve brought it up to him.

He’s just reached out asking if we are still friends.

He’s disgusting with a poor attitude towards women. End of.

Well done for ending it - your relationship shouldn't be making you feel like this. He sounds worrying and creepy, and you deserve better.

Block or he'll try and worm his way back in.
I had one like this. Constantly chatting people up behind my back and sometimes in front. He once stroked a woman's arm as we were asking for directions. Ugh!
He was just very very insecure and this can lead to all sorts of other problems.

It's difficult because the good things can blind you to the things that really aren't.
Sounds like a total creep.

Still friends? Seriously?

Just block him immediately.

He's looking for a way to keep in touch with you so that he can worm his way back, but his attitude to women has not, and will never, change.

Keeping in touch only makes it harder for you to keep your boundary i.e recognizing his behaviour as unacceptable.

So whatever you do, DON'T agree to be 'friends' or to keep in touch in ANY way !

God yes, I would run for the hills!! Glad to see you have ended it. Don't worry about what others will think about it, the only opinion that matters is yours! You are uncomfortable with his behaviour and you are perfectly justified in thinking this relationship is not for you.

As for him reaching out and saying are we still friends, just tell him no thanks, I've got enough friends! If he keeps contacting you, block him. You don't need him hanging around trying to worm his way back into your life!

Doesn’t matter what his good points are with these red flags. You’ve under reacted.

If you’ve told your therapist all this about him and they still suggest he seems a good boyfriend for you, that reflects badly on them. Are they well qualified?

I ended it but he doesn’t think I’m being serious.

This reaction just backs up your concerns about him.

I think the obvious leching over other women is intended to chip away at your security and self-esteem.

The journal seems like a tool of manipulation in that he makes it available for you to see, but if you're hurt by anything in it, he can blame you for looking.

Journalling about fancying other women isn't exactly deep and meaningful, is it? It's very juvenile.

So, on the one hand, we all have eyes and it's normal to notice people who meet our standards of beauty. What's immature is journaling about them and not recognising that it's inappropriate to be looking and commenting to your girlfriend. You've told him and he's continued, so either he doesn't care what you think or he may be neuro diverse and not recognise why it's and issue. I couldn't accept that.

I'd say something like "I wish you well, but a clean break will be better for us both. All the best."

Acknowledge how far you have come from your last relationship... in that you recognised the bad behaviour... you called it out and dumped him.

Why did you do that?

Because you know he is not good enough for you.
Because you have raised your standards.
Because you will not be used by him or any other man.
Because you KNOW you are worth more and deserve better.

Well done you!
Be proud of yourself and your decision.
Stay strong.. you have got this!

He sounds like 12yr old girl writing in her diary.
"Dear Diary, omg Darren in my Physics class is soooo cute, he has the most luscious eyebrows, idk if he likes me tho hehe"

🤮

I suggest blocking him. I think you've gone from a highly abusive relationship to one that's low-level abusive (or rather, it's on the journey to becoming one.) He's started with the open disrespect, leerinv at other women while he's with you is just so rude. He's checking to see if you'll tolerate this, and if you do, he'll ramp it up.

Bin him

This is very bad, and I think you know it. Stop worrying about your self esteem and armor up as though you are going into battle because this man is scary.

Your instincts are correct: he is not a good person and all the charming things were just his seduction technique. No outsiders (friends or family) are going to see him clearly and support you dumping him because—well—people see what they want to see and are very naive to the danger predators pose to normal people.

The journal he keeps is a massive red flag. The current head of Trump’s department of health, RFK jr, infamously kept a journal of his daily sexual obsession, sexual conquests and assaults which, when exposed to his wife, led to her suicide. I am in favour of journaling and self reflection but what you saw is eerily reminiscent of RFK jr’s obsessive sexualizing of every woman he saw.

How old are you op? Are you in a hurry for dc?

The leering and that text, would turn me off completely and I would like to know what’s in those diaries - somethings odd about that.

He lives down the road, that’s going to be tricky.

He seems like the sort that would cheat if he got any opportunity. He might seem great to friends but they haven’t seen him do what you described so they don’t have the facts.

Do you want to still be friends? I'd say it's best not to tbh. His attitude towards women leaves a lot to be desired.