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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you run for the hills?

105 replies

Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 09:39

Okay this is a weird one. I started seeing a guy last year. It moved fast and at times I told him he was being a bit intense and felt like he was love bombing me. Such as saying he loves me in two months..
He showers me with affection and after coming out of a previous relationship two years prior, which was abusive and cheating involved I think feeling like the apple of someone’s eye was nice. My friend said maybe I needed that and it’s okay for me to end it if my feelings have changed.

But as more time goes on, at the six month mark I am realising there is aspects about him and things he does that makes me feel
uncomfortable and disrespected. Here’s the thing I don t know if it’s me being silly or insecure.

I saw him liking provocative pics on social media at first and thought not nice to see, childish at most but this is where it started and I then noticed more. Such as going out for the day with him and seeing him have visual reactions to young women such as stopping mid conversation and going oh my god and watching them walk away. When it happens I’ll feel shocked and awkward as not been with a guy who acts this way.

Then here’s the one I find the worst, he journals. So everyday he writes about his day what impacted him and what he done.
He takes it everywhere with him and yesterday evening I was making him dinner and he asked for a hug, when I hugged him I saw a sentence he just wrote saying he found his flat mate to be really pretty with doe eyes and these were things he says about me and I don’t know am I being precious is he a bit of a creep? I brought it up and said I feel uncomfortable that he wrote that whilst with me and feels that way about his flat mates.

This isn’t the first time. I would never go through someone’s journal but admit at the beginning of the relationship he sent me a video flicking through his journal to me to show his handwriting, and I read a bit of it and when I did every page he wrote about women he hired at work calling them tasty, to women at the gym to his friends gfs in the same fashion.

I think it’s given me the ick. I know this all sounds childish and people will suspect I’m young but I’m actually 30. Tell me to get a grip I don’t know what to make of it. I expressed in a relationship early on I don’t like it when guys lust over women in front of me and know it’s natural but prefer my partner to be more discreet. After breakdown of my last relationship I had to work on my self esteem and I feel this won’t help me.

He thinks I’m being silly and these are very minor things.

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 21/04/2025 11:49

I was relieved to read you have ended it , please don't get lured back in .
Apart from the truly awful things about this man you have told us i think he may have the potential to become nasty , i think i would distance myself from him, the slightest interaction may give him the impression he is in with another chance with you. He obviously has a very strange idea about acceptable behaviour towards women.

Original poster
Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 11:49

Jesus Christ.

He kept asking is this it and I said sadly yes.
I have boundaries I’ve mentioned this being an issue and it’s not something I want in a relationship. That I had no ill feelings but we are who we are and it’s not working for me and his response is what do you want to do?

And then just send a msg after I didn’t respond saying do you want me to come over there and punish you for being silly 🤮

block what the hell.

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 21/04/2025 11:52

OP, this man is, quite frankly, an absolute nutjob who is getting off on humiliating you.

Of course it’s normal to find good-looking people attractive. But stopping, mid-conversation with you, to stare and comment at attractive women? Keeping a journal of all the women he fancies and writing in / flicking through it in front of you? He’s an absolute fucking danger. What on earth are you doing with him? He’s mad.

Emonade · 21/04/2025 11:53

Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 09:55

Thank you. I think this is the kicker as I have brought up before how it makes me feel seeing him act this way. How I’ve worked hard on my confidence and self esteem since my last relationship and stuff like this doesn’t make me feel great and I suspect further down the line will get worse.

Last time I brought it up he just said take your knickers off I am coming round to fuck you. I didn’t see the msg and he was at my door ten minutes later. He moved down the road from me last month to be closer. Again I thought this was a bit much.

Show quote history

ger rid! It will only get worse and make you have no confidence. It’s creepy and horrible and he clearly doesn’t see women as equal

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 21/04/2025 11:55

Second thread I've seen today on this topic. I've been here OP, on my birthday last year caught him leering at younger girls, made me feel like utter crap about myself and I've never had confidence issues with my body or how I look. Glad you got rid.

Original poster
Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 11:55

That’s the thing at first I thought it was really attractive that he journaled as he seemed well measured emotionally and explained because he traveled a lot in the past that what started it all.

I watched the series You and the way he talks about women is like the main guy in that show.

He said the flat mate he wrote was pretty with doey eyes he later said looked like a seal and I saw a two seconds of what he wrote and out of context. Regardless I don’t find this behaviour healthy or normal.

OP posts:
SchrodingersTwat2 · 21/04/2025 11:57

Block him everywhere.

Get a better therapist.

category12 · 21/04/2025 11:57

If he turns up, don't let him in.

Thelnebriati · 21/04/2025 11:57

I think you've had a lucky escape.
I'm convinced that some abusive men like to have a partner to use as a kind of beard; so they can say 'look I'm not being creepy - I'm married!'

Original poster
Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 11:58

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 21/04/2025 11:55

Second thread I've seen today on this topic. I've been here OP, on my birthday last year caught him leering at younger girls, made me feel like utter crap about myself and I've never had confidence issues with my body or how I look. Glad you got rid.

This is the thing. Because of my issues I’ve thought at times I’m being over the top but I don’t believe the majority of women would appreciate his behaviour.

Hes said he embellishes his journal and writes things to sound more interesting. I just don’t understand it. I just think the majority of men don’t do this or journal so why bother at 6 months to work through this.

OP posts:
greatvisuals · 21/04/2025 11:59

He sounds like a short lived boyfriend I had a few years back.

He was really hard to get rid of. He spoke exactly as you have described.

He got worse and worse and worse until he would actually chat up women when we out together, even while I was sat right next to him!!

Get rid as swiftly as you can before he causes you emotional damage.

lilyflower1803 · 21/04/2025 12:02

Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 11:49

Jesus Christ.

He kept asking is this it and I said sadly yes.
I have boundaries I’ve mentioned this being an issue and it’s not something I want in a relationship. That I had no ill feelings but we are who we are and it’s not working for me and his response is what do you want to do?

And then just send a msg after I didn’t respond saying do you want me to come over there and punish you for being silly 🤮

block what the hell.

Edited

Oof gosh OP, thank goodness you ended it well done you for drawing the line with your boundaries. It’s a hard thing to do. Onwards and upwards, leave him in the past 🥰 sounds like you have done some fab self healing from your previous relationship.

MaMaMalenka · 21/04/2025 12:04

i wouldn't run for the hills, i'd hire a helicopter to take me there

Olika · 21/04/2025 12:04

The guy sounds disgusting. Block him and don’t let him lure you in again.

WhyCantTheyJustBeKids · 21/04/2025 12:05

Him telling you he loves you in 2 months, isn't on its own an issue if it's genuine- and it can be. However, in your case it does sound like love bombing given the context.

The rest of what you've written would make me run like Usain Bolt.

ThisPithyJoker · 21/04/2025 12:06

As others have said, I would absolutely not be ok with this. Of course he thinks it's ok - he wouldn't do it if he didn't,, I imagine. I think when people have grown thinking this is alright, it's really deeply embedded. He won't change - it's part of him and one he doesn't see as a problem. For some people, the fact that he's so visually stimulated wouldn't be a problem, especially when it has the trade off that he's really complementary about you, too. For me, though, it would bother me him being so distracted by other people. I'd also have serious concerns about what happened as I aged. Have you seen the OkCupid graph of ages that men and women find the most attractive (on average)? It increases with age for women. It doesn't for men. Of course this doesn't apply to all men, but for one who appears to be very visual, I suspect it would track

unsync · 21/04/2025 12:13

You don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship that makes you feel disrespected and uncomfortable.

After your previous relationship which was abusive, did you get any help to recover? Are you worried about repeating the same patterns from before? You probably need to he single and work out your boundaries and what is acceptable in a healthy, adult relationship between equals.

I would suggest you do this work before entering into another relationship with a dodgy man. Listen to, and trust your gut feelings, they are usually right. This one is really pushing it and it's good that you have realised and acted on it. Well done.

Hastentoadd · 21/04/2025 12:17

Heregoes234 · 21/04/2025 11:55

That’s the thing at first I thought it was really attractive that he journaled as he seemed well measured emotionally and explained because he traveled a lot in the past that what started it all.

I watched the series You and the way he talks about women is like the main guy in that show.

He said the flat mate he wrote was pretty with doey eyes he later said looked like a seal and I saw a two seconds of what he wrote and out of context. Regardless I don’t find this behaviour healthy or normal.

I thought it was really attractive that he journaled as he seemed well measured emotionally

Or is he journaling because he is not emotionally well measured but is trying to be

RedHelenB · 21/04/2025 12:35

Right at the beginning of the relationship you saw how he viewed women yet you decided to give it a go. Then when you told him you felt disrespected he said I'm coming round in ten to fuck you and still you felt he was the man of your dreams? Don't know where to start but is not date for a bit of I were you. You're more worried about whether he finds you exclusively fuckable than whether he's got the basics of a decent personality.

Loopytiles · 21/04/2025 12:35

Journalling in private: fine.
Writing in private about your housemate and colleagues’ looks and your attraction to them: creepy.
Not so subtly making sure your girlfriend sees this: very creepy.

Enrichetta · 21/04/2025 12:39

Because of my issues I’ve thought at times I’m being over the top but I don’t believe the majority of women would appreciate his behaviour.

if you think you might waver or succumb to his attempts to talk you round, pin this up somewhere and /or have it on your phone:

.And then just send a msg after I didn’t respond saying do you want me to come over there and punish you for being silly 🤮

I mean…….. what the actual fuck !!!

EllieEllie25 · 21/04/2025 12:41

Grim! Well done OP. His reaction confirms you how completely right you were to end it.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/04/2025 12:49

You dumping him is being silly? And being silly is something you should be punished for? That's not cute or flirtatious, it's bloody sinister. Basically, it sounds as though he doesn't believe you have the right to decide whether to date him or not. Well done on the blocking. Friendship - not an option. There are some good men out there, for both friendship and romance. This is not one of them.

p.s. Glad someone else mentioned that he wanted you to see that dodgy thing in the journal as some kind of weird test or just to make you feel insecure. Checking his handwriting indeed 🙄

yeesh · 21/04/2025 12:49

He is disgusting. You need to listen to your instincts, there were things bothering you early on, should have got rid then. He is a creepy bastard and I doubt your friends & family know how he really behaves.

Naunet · 21/04/2025 13:35

Ugh, he sounds like he never matured past 15. You did the right thing OP.

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