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Original poster

Can someone with autism /with a partner with autism explain what I got wrong here?

116 replies

Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 11:57

DH (diagnosed with autism) is lovely but sometimes I just find his interpretation of things baffling. I have learnt to be blunt and clear about things after various mistakes over the years. But this one threw me

DH on his way to the shops, "I don't want you left out when all the rest of us get chocolate eggs, what can I get for you?" (I don't really eat chocolate)

Me "I would love a lovely bunch of flowers, or some flowers for the garden "

DH (chocoholic) "oh I know, I'll get an extra big and fancy egg for us to share"

Confused
OP posts:
EarlofShrewsbury · 18/04/2025 12:01

Routine and tradition.

Flowers aren't an Easter thing, eggs are.

Rainbowshine · 18/04/2025 12:03

I think you need to say no to the chocolate first and then say you want flowers. You need to signal that it’s an alternative. Imagine a flowchart, you have to show when one route stops and where to go afterwards.

Original poster
Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 12:06

Rainbowshine · 18/04/2025 12:03

I think you need to say no to the chocolate first and then say you want flowers. You need to signal that it’s an alternative. Imagine a flowchart, you have to show when one route stops and where to go afterwards.

He knew I didn't want chocolate though. He knew he was getting eggs for him and the children

OP posts:
Original poster
Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 12:07

(I was happy not to have anything, I didn't ask him to get me something but he wanted to)

OP posts:
Shelly1973ish · 18/04/2025 12:08

I would say clearly, I don't want to share an egg. I would like flowers instead.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 18/04/2025 12:09

If someone said to me that they didn't want me to feel left out whilst they were eating chocolate I would imagine they were offering an alternative food choice as the activity was the eating.

Could you suggest a different food? Some more exotic fruit than you'd usually buy or crisps?

To me the conversation is all about the activity of eating so flowers is not a suitable alternative.

Pigeonqueen · 18/04/2025 12:10

I have autism and I don’t think this is an autism thing. He is just choosing not to listen to you. Generally if you tell people with autism what you want / what they need to do they find it quite easy to follow because it takes the element of choice out of it which we often find overwhelming.

Fintoo · 18/04/2025 12:10

He was offering chocolate, mentioning flowers is completely changing the subject to him.

Original poster
Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 12:11

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 18/04/2025 12:09

If someone said to me that they didn't want me to feel left out whilst they were eating chocolate I would imagine they were offering an alternative food choice as the activity was the eating.

Could you suggest a different food? Some more exotic fruit than you'd usually buy or crisps?

To me the conversation is all about the activity of eating so flowers is not a suitable alternative.

I hadn't thought of it that way.
Am not really big on food as treats right now because I have had a heavy dose of steroids treatment and it caused me to put on a lot of weight that I am trying to lose. But I can see how a brain could go in that direction that it has to be food based

OP posts:
karmakameleon · 18/04/2025 12:11

Sounds like common or garden selfishness rather than an autistic thing to me. (I’m not diagnosed but DH and I both assume I have autism since DS was diagnosed.)

Original poster
Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 12:11

Pigeonqueen · 18/04/2025 12:10

I have autism and I don’t think this is an autism thing. He is just choosing not to listen to you. Generally if you tell people with autism what you want / what they need to do they find it quite easy to follow because it takes the element of choice out of it which we often find overwhelming.

That's what I thought, I thought I had been really specific

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/04/2025 12:12

He told you he didnt want you to be left out of having an easter egg and what egg you wanted. He wasn't asking you if you wanted flowers. Maybe you needed to be more specific or tell him that you would like easter flowers instead of chocolate.

Im autistic but would have understood what you meant. Lots of autistic people are quite literal and specific with communication though, and im sure you know him better than anyone.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 18/04/2025 12:13

I keep it clear and simple.
"Instead of chocolate I'd like daffodils"
No room for misinterpretation.

I think he's after extra chocolate knowing you won't eat a share of the fancy egg!

Original poster
Frozenpeace · 18/04/2025 12:14

Branleuse · 18/04/2025 12:12

He told you he didnt want you to be left out of having an easter egg and what egg you wanted. He wasn't asking you if you wanted flowers. Maybe you needed to be more specific or tell him that you would like easter flowers instead of chocolate.

Im autistic but would have understood what you meant. Lots of autistic people are quite literal and specific with communication though, and im sure you know him better than anyone.

He didn't ask what egg I wanted, he asked what I wanted instead of an egg

OP posts:
HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 18/04/2025 12:16

I may be projecting a bit here, but please don’t frame it as you having done something wrong.

You both just think differently.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/04/2025 12:16

I think it tells you he’s a greedy bastard. That has nothing to do with autism.

HairyGarden · 18/04/2025 12:16

He is trying to include you in the Easter ritual of everyone opening/sharing eggs. Flowers are in a completely different category but I agree with PP that another food item could work.

ICantBeDoingWithThat · 18/04/2025 12:17

lottiegarbanzo · 18/04/2025 12:16

I think it tells you he’s a greedy bastard. That has nothing to do with autism.

Probably this, OP.

MargotB · 18/04/2025 12:17

I'm autistic (DH is NT).

My interpretation is that your DH has that fixed idea in his head that Easter = chocolate eggs, and even though you don't eat chocolate and suggested flowers as an alternative, he can't see beyond the 'chocolate egg fixed idea'.

Or, if your DH is like me, sensory processing comes into play in that I simply don't hear/absorb anything else that's said on the subject, despite me asking the question in the first place. At times like this, my DH can see on my face that things haven't registered and he'll ask me (kindly) to relay back what message(s) I've 'received'.

Do you think this could be the case with your DH?

Unrelated38 · 18/04/2025 12:19

Sometimes people get stuck in what THEY would want.

Like when I take 3yo DS to the shop to get presents for somebody. Me, his dad, baby brother. He always heads for the toys he likes. "This would make me happy so it will make you happy." Just reiterate "no, you like chocolate, I don't, chocolate wouldn't be a gift for me, I like flowers."

Datadriven · 18/04/2025 12:24

He’s not listening/ can’t listen. In the brain rut of buying easter eggs. He might not hear things that are inconsistent. He might be too busy thinking about Easter eggs to notice or process what you’re saying. This might or might not be due to autism.

You could say clearly - I do not want to eat chocolate so I don’t want an egg but flowers are often appropriate to Easter since it’s a spring festival, please can you get me some flowers so I can have a gift of celebration too. And then check he has understood. Good luck!

Txumtzum · 18/04/2025 12:29

Isn’t he just being a typical man and not listening to you?! Often asked my DH to get something for me from the shop and comes back with something different…he’s definitely not autistic!

Colapolar · 18/04/2025 12:29

Im autistic and would be thrown by you bringing flowers up when talking about you being left out, as flowers isn’t really an alternative to that, I’d be thinking food/egg based and a one to share would potentially solve as no pressure on you to eat a whole one but you get to share the experience. But just ask him really as who knows, maybe he was trying to be helpful, maybe he just wanted a fancy egg etc

TheWayTheLightFalls · 18/04/2025 12:35

I'm not sure this is an autism thing, speaking as an autistic woman. But - if you've met one autistic person you have met one autistic person, so who knows? I would love your very specific answer and go off to buy flowers.

Jacarandill · 18/04/2025 12:35

Pigeonqueen · 18/04/2025 12:10

I have autism and I don’t think this is an autism thing. He is just choosing not to listen to you. Generally if you tell people with autism what you want / what they need to do they find it quite easy to follow because it takes the element of choice out of it which we often find overwhelming.

Exactly this. Nothing to do with autism.