Can someone with autism /with a partner with autism explain what I got wrong here?

[Frozenpeace]

DH (diagnosed with autism) is lovely but sometimes I just find his interpretation of things baffling. I have learnt to be blunt and clear about things after various mistakes over the years. But this one threw me

DH on his way to the shops, "I don't want you left out when all the rest of us get chocolate eggs, what can I get for you?" (I don't really eat chocolate)

Me "I would love a lovely bunch of flowers, or some flowers for the garden "

DH (chocoholic) "oh I know, I'll get an extra big and fancy egg for us to share"

As someone diagnosed autistic, he's trying to show you love. He wants you to be a part of the Easter eggs thing, in his head getting a bigger one for you both to share is his or it would be my way, of showing you how important you are to him.

The flowers thing is confusing because Easter is not about flowers and therefore I wouldn't understand why you would want them. In fact it would probably make me worry that I'm not trying hard enough or your unhappy.

Being autistic is a confusing world sometimes.

Why have you got anything wrong? What’s this got to do with autism? Can you not just ask him why he’s not listening to you?

My interpretation is that your DH has that fixed idea in his head that Easter = chocolate eggs, and even though you don't eat chocolate and suggested flowers as an alternative, he can't see beyond the 'chocolate egg fixed idea'.

Exactly this. ND people often have a fixed idea of what is appropriate for a social situation. I think it's closely linked to masking because they had to physically learn which gifts and traditions are associated with which holidays. This is clear because he even mentioned not wanting you to feel left out which shows he was trying to include your feeling into account. However the assumption is that you need some kind of egg because Easter = eggs.

Even though you mentioned flowers, it was too subtle. You probably had to say "Don't get me any eggs but get me a bouquet of flowers" and then possibly text it to him as a reminder. DH is autistic and it sounds a lot like what he would do. He would almost certainly forget it as well because as someone above said, flowers don't fit into the "easter shopping" so that becomes harder to remember.

DH struggles with grocery shopping in general and would often overbuy massive amounts of perishable foods like berries because he has a "fixed idea" that a healthy grocery shop requires fresh fruit and veg. No matter how often I remind him that we cannot use that much fruit and veg in our house, he still does it. Same for sweet foods. He would sometimes overbuy a huge amount of treats because it's a special day, even though it's clear nobody in the house eats it. Fortunately he spends his own money anyway and can afford it so it's not a hill worth dying on. However ND can absolutely cause erratic shopping behaviour or decisions.

My DH has autism and I think he’s choosing to ignore you

Surely it's what he got wrong.

Autism doesn't mean he can never be at fault and it's always the way you express things.

You were very clear. It's OK to say, "oi, no, that's not what I would like for Easter, which is what you asked me."

I don't think this is his autism. I don't even think it is HIM not listening to you, this it is YOU not listening to him enough to interpret his question correctly/ask about a clarification. He tried to include you in a family activity and you refused it, so he formulated a backup plan.

He wanted for you to be a part of the "Easter eggs moment". For example a tangerine would be very nice "mum's Easter egg", single object, can be peeled when they unwrap theirs, a piece of fruits instead of chocolate for you (if you can eat fruit).

Having an egg "together" or "to share" is a backup way of verbally including you without you having to do or eat anything.

I suspect you will get flowers - just not flowers instead of an egg. I read the conversation as you asking him to buy you flowers and not answering his question so he answered it himself.
curious to know what happened!

It very much is an autism issue. It's an example of theory of mind deficit. He's struggling to accept/understand that your likes aren't the same as his.

My husband still enthusiastically buys me mango flavoured stuff despite me hating it, because he loves it and his theory of mind deficit can't handle it.

'I would love a lovely bunch of flowers, or some flowers for the garden' is a passing musing in DH's mind which has nothing to do with his original question. Implicit meaning and global connections is a weak point if you have autism. Persistence in the pursuit of one avenue of enquiry is another trait. Sometimes the interconnections between utterances need to be explicitly pointed out.

DH made a logical leap there!
You needed to say 'Thanks darling, I must be careful not to eat chocolate so no eggs for me this year. Could you get me a bunch of flowers instead?'

I'm autistic and would be frustrated by your DH's type of thinking...my type of thinking is the opposite to this, as in I dislike convention and I'm not a black or white thinker.

I do have an ex (autistic) who thinks in a similar way to your DH, in that he thinks particular dates/occasions are very important.

Nope.

He is well aware she doesn't want chocolate. Flowers just aren't a relevant substitute, she can't join their eating of easter eggs with her flowers. He was asking for something she would enjoy WITH them.

“I don’t want you to be left out while we eat chocolate”

“I want flowers”

that’s not a logical step to take.

My response to asd ds would have been, ‘no egg thank you. Can you get flowers please’.

I find with ds I have to really make sure that sentences are separated and clear by breaking it down so that he is less likely to jumble the information.

Something to eat then? Maybe a boiled egg, decorated by the children?

OP: “I would like flowers.”
DH: “I know I’ll get a big egg to share.”
OP: “I don’t want an egg. I want flowers.”

Be absolutely clear and to the point. No room for confusion.

This

The confusion happened earlier. The OP didn't understand that her husband wanted to have something for her for the moment they will eat chocolate eggs. A tangerine, kiwi, tomato, boiled egg, ... Something which would respect she doesn't want chocolates, but would allow her to be included.

Flowers just can't do that.

My grown up DD just got kittens and as DH was going to get Easter Eggs for family, I asked him to get some kitten toys but to video call to show me what they had. Little choice so I said not to get anything as we were going to another shop later. He returned with value packs of small chocolate bars for all our DC, a cheap blanket for kittens, 2 big dog toys, 6 tins of adult Whiskas and a pack of litter tray liners. He's adorable but absolutely infuriating!

I might have been tempted to specify “spring flowers” or “daffodils” to make clear the connection. Sounds to me that he’s just trying to get it “right” by following tradition, to the bizarre extent of disregarding the answer you gave him. Debatable whether that’s an autism thing or a him thing.

I'm autistic and don't necessarily think this is an autism thing.

I would have just repeated after he said he'd get you an egg to share, no, I don't want any food thanks, but if you're keen for me not to be left out I would like some flowers - but be specific which ones you want so he's clear.

TBH my first thought was that it’s not autism. But now I’m thinking maybe it is. The same kind of thing happens in my family.

For context, in my house the children and I are autistic and very verbal/logical/exact. DH isn’t diagnosed but im beginning to wonder - this is exactly the kind of error he would make. In DH’s case he gets very wedded to ideas of “how things should be”, and just ploughs ahead with his original idea. Which, on the surface, makes him the opposite of the rest of us, but I think maybe it’s just a different presentation of a similar thing. We are inflexibly following information & facts; He is inflexibly following his preconception.

What's autism got to do with this ? He just didn't listen and implied a treat not something completely different

Also I suspect shops are busy maybe he just didn't get chance to go look at flowers .
It's madness to me to bring up autism. I know it effects people in lots of different ways but my autistic dd wouldn't even be able to go to a supermarket. Definitely not alone and definitely wouldn't cope with the responsibility of buying multiple people easter eggs.
Why is autism now used to explain or blame typical behaviour like not listening to you .
Save it for when it's really causing day to day problems and making life difficult.
This is a none event . Just dont eat the chocolate. You said yourself you didn't want anything.

But she doesn’t want food. She stated that. So it’s flowers. She should just make it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want food. She doesn’t need to have food just because everyone else is having it and it shouldn’t be forced on her either.

Try painting him a picture next time (why &how): That seasonal flowers are appropriate to celebrate a spring festival and that you’d enjoy arranging them while they eat their eggs.