Can someone with autism /with a partner with autism explain what I got wrong here?

[Frozenpeace]

DH (diagnosed with autism) is lovely but sometimes I just find his interpretation of things baffling. I have learnt to be blunt and clear about things after various mistakes over the years. But this one threw me

DH on his way to the shops, "I don't want you left out when all the rest of us get chocolate eggs, what can I get for you?" (I don't really eat chocolate)

Me "I would love a lovely bunch of flowers, or some flowers for the garden "

DH (chocoholic) "oh I know, I'll get an extra big and fancy egg for us to share"

(I am ND, we get stuck on a mental track often, can't tune in to others well)

Last birthday, I got a really scratchy (I’m hypersensitive to texture) wool (admittedly I do prefer natural fibres - in CLOTHING), ORANGE (I hate brights) artisanal blanket( we have a houseful of throws & blankets)for my present.

No only that, he told me was thinking of getting it and I said “no thanks - lovely thought, but it will itch, and require special laundering - not practical”.

OFC he got it for me anyway. Main present as it was ££££. Crazy amount of money for something that the dogs will inevitably soil at some point.

I know it was because he loved it himself, entered tunnel vision and suddenly couldn’t conceive of a better present for anyone. I know it wasn’t selfishness or malice. But my god it was so disappointing.

Can i just ask, re other husbands who are like this, do you find they are particularly susceptible to advertising and “lifestyle magazine” type guff?

Yes that describes it very well.

Yes agree with all you said. Id not read it recently so didn’t phrase it well. I do want to say it’s the men but didn’t because I can’t back it up with data and it always upsets people when you say it.

what I can say though this problem isn’t exclusive to autistic men. my NT ex regularly ignored what I was literally saying because he thought he knew better or I must have meant something other than what I said. I’ve come to realise it was his selfishness not differences in communication. It’s frequently a gift they actually want themselves or a film/tv choice they would prefer or trip somewhere of their preference. Just why ask if you are going to do what you want anyway is my thinking.

I wouldn’t say mine is susceptible to magazines but definitely those people in the shops just before Xmas selling weird home ware gadgets. One year I got a dicer thing and 2 different things to make sushi.

by the way, a bright orange woolen throw? Sounds hideous 😂.

So that becomes HIS birthday / Christmas present and you get yourself something else with the money you would have spent on him, right?

I’m autistic. As you’ve written this I can see exactly what you wanted. However this is sort of a thing I might do. Not really hear what you say and discount it because it doesn’t fit my internal monologue. No nastiness, just not a fit. You’d then have had to tell me no and maybe “convince” me that you really wanted flowers. You get eggs at Easter, not flowers…

It really is an eyesore.

Have you made much sushi?

Tempting. Maybe that’s the answer.

@Burntt I think DH has skills he can use in some contexts but not others- like masking. So at work he can drop a mug (I assume) without roaring about it. At home apparently it requires drama.
At work he can ‘get the flowers’ he’s been asked for, even though he thinks it’s weird, because work is full of weird people wanting weird stuff. At home he’ll assume he should get the Easter egg because Easter eggs are nicer and more chocolatey and flowers die, and my wife is my wife so she must like the things I like and I know her well so I’ll do what I think is best.’

@Frozenpeace what did you get?

The advent calendar point - they are all still advent calendars. So I think the person who said by you having a nominal share in a egg means you are not left out of the egg experience is right. There are beauty gifts that are egg themed so perhaps that would have worked.

As an autistic person I cannot get my head around ignoring someone’s specific request and substituting your own choice. Of ALL THE PEOPLE who should understand no substitutions it’s autistic people. And double deckers are below fruit and nut in the chocolate hierarchy but both are in the nope category.

I have occasionally made sushi. Using a traditional bamboo sushi mat that I already owned.

I attempted once to use the sushi gadgets and found them more difficult.

oh well if you have pets let them ruin the blanket.

I have autism and I have to say that I find it easier when someone gives me instructions so in this situation, I would have just got flowers and would be happy that I did not have to make a decision. However, there are different levels of autism and different traits and perhaps he associates Easter with eggs which is why he got an egg??

Exactly, or she should “gift” him something she really wants for his next birthday/Christmas present and call it even with a swap. Stop accepting less for yourself, and treat others how they are treating you.

I just hit Liberty with the joint account. CBA to wait for birthdays and keep score. He’s in his own orbit.