Can someone with autism /with a partner with autism explain what I got wrong here?

[Frozenpeace]

DH (diagnosed with autism) is lovely but sometimes I just find his interpretation of things baffling. I have learnt to be blunt and clear about things after various mistakes over the years. But this one threw me

DH on his way to the shops, "I don't want you left out when all the rest of us get chocolate eggs, what can I get for you?" (I don't really eat chocolate)

Me "I would love a lovely bunch of flowers, or some flowers for the garden "

DH (chocoholic) "oh I know, I'll get an extra big and fancy egg for us to share"

With respect @Starlight7080, one person’s presentation of ND doesn’t negate another person’s, completely different, manifestation of ND. So what your DD could or would do is beside the point.

What is important to OP is understanding her spouse and neutralising conflict.

It's so difficult because there can be a difficult line to walk between knowledge, understanding, empathy, sympathy and not wanting to upset a partner and be seen as not 'getting it'.

In my opinion, there are a lot of people (NT or ND) in just crap or potentially toxic or abusive relationships with ND people where the ND is used to minimise or excuse unacceptable behaviour.

The one who finds it easier to think and behave differently needs to do that to help the one who finds it harder.

So you'd say

Thank you for thinking of me! That's really nice.

I don't like /want chocolate but yes I would love to be included in the Easter treat.

I'd prefer a bunch of flowers.

Please get me a bunch of flowers.

At the end of all that, if he doesn't get you flowers - it's just that he didn't listen.

Flowers aren’t a substitute for a chocolate easter egg. The category is sweets or at least food indulgences.

he can also buy you flowers, but that would still leave you left out.

I am autistic and these things happen in our household. I want to make sure DH is included in a family activity and he suggests something completely unrelated. He simply doesn’t grasp that the point is the family experience, not prioritizing his individual desires.

thankfully I have gotten better explaining to my spouse the parameters of what I am asking for. Sometimes I am looking to spoil him, sometimes it’s just about including him.

He just didn't listen, there was nothing to interpret wrong or nothing was lightly implied you said exactly what you wanted.

Sounds like he just wanted an excuse to get a bigger egg to me. Autism or not.

I hope you said no and tell him.you would like some blooms though.

He bought his own chocolate egg?

My DH and DD are both autistic.
His head is fixed on food as the solution - flowers are not food so it does not "compute".
You would need to have a separate conversation about hiw you prefer flowers to chocolate and text year can he get you flowers. Then be prepared that you will get flowers for your birthday, mothers day, Easter, Xmas without fail once the message has sunk in 😁 it's just a different communication method. We liken it to Apple Mac vs Microsoft- both excellent, great outcomes- but different programming 😉

Yes it is, because he said 'What can I get for you?'. I fully understand what other posters have suggested as reasons why he might think he shpuld still get the OP chocolate, or why flowers wouldn't seem like a relevant substitute. But 'I want flowers' is definitely a literally logical answer to the question 'What can I get for you?'.

I’m autistic but I think he might just be thoughtless and possibly selfish. He knows you don’t like chocolate and you instructed him what to get

I’m autistic and would put his response down to the common condition of “not listening”.

You perhaps could have framed it as “I would like a bunch of flowers instead of an egg” just to make it even clearer, but I actually think you were fine here.

As an autistic adult I’m used to assuming that NT have hidden meanings in what they are saying. So in the situation I described I would also have got you some chocolate because I’d assume come Easter you will be making comments about your lack of chocolate. So buying chocolate to “share” covers that possibility. But I’d probably also get you some flowers. On the other hand it could be completely unrelated to autistic thinking and he just doesn’t listen to you.

@FrozenpeaceWe can really only make suggestions here as to how the conversation was interpreted by each party, however I’d say this.

He possibly asked the question already having a series of “acceptable answers” stored in his brain. Who knows what these were, but they may have been things like food items, things that involved unpacking, things that had a specific Easter theme or things that could be done in the same space as where he and the kids were opening/eating the eggs.

When you said flowers he might have very well thought that it was fine, he’d get you flowers, but shoved that aside for now because you hadn’t provided an acceptable answer based on his predictions, therefore he sorted the dilemma by deciding to get a bigger egg.
This might have served a duel purpose.

One, you would possibly eat a small piece and this would be perceived as a positive because you were fulfilling, in his mind, the set requirements of Easter, and two, he would have more chocolate available to him, which he likes.

You haven’t done anything wrong, and in his mind, neither has he. After giving you the possibility to choose a suitable alternative he has found a solution to what is a known problem for some people, ie feeling left out. He identified that you might feel this, and gave you the chance to rectify it.

If you would enjoy the flowers, then tell him that you would like them, but I wouldn’t insist that they are a solution to the egg situation😆

She stated she really doesn't want chocolate. And that she wants to be careful about food/weight.

That generic description typically allows having a piece of fruit or vegetable to join the chldren at the table.

Of course, she doesn't have to do it. He was just trying to do the nice thing and check with her whether she wishes to be included in that specific activity.

Flowers are nice, but something totally different, irrelevant to that situation.

One person going shopping and coming home with the wrong stuff is something we have all dealt with one time or another . The op didn't even need to mention autism

I don’t understand the problem. Tell him you don’t want chocolate or an Easter Egg. Being autistic is not synonymous with simple or deaf.

Well I’m autistic and would get you flowers with such clear instructions as that.

Reads to me more like he wanted extra chocolate and used you as the justification/excuse for it. Not an autism thing more a selfish thing- you said you would love flowers not that you don’t care and guess flowers would do

The big egg for you to share doesn't make sense if you don't like chocolate. It seems you need to be very clear here - Don't buy me chocolate, I don't want it, I will not be happy if you buy me chocolate. I presume he wants to make you happy so just keep stating your preference, I hate it when I say I don't want something and someone buys it anyway because you must want it really

My (ND) daughter has suggested he/you buy a reusable plastic egg (apparently these exist and often decorated Easter-fashion) that can be filled with whatever food (or alternative) is a treat for you.

Meant to include that my autistic son was very confused by the idea of flowers in lieu of an Easter egg and agreed with PP that a replacement should be food-based, hence daughter's proposed compromise.

What’s irrelevant is the food. She said she didn’t want it. End of story. She wants flowers. It doesn’t matter if those are totally different and irrelevant to you, it’s what she wants.

This

I don't get the logic here. Maybe because our children are teens so they tend to waft up to their bedrooms with their eggs /eat them in little bits with their pudding as is their preference. We don't tend to all sit around eating the eggs at the table.

But it has been interesting seeing different people's logic.

I'm away at the minute so won't see what I get till tomorrow evening

The reason I mentioned autism wasn't to be mean about people with autism or reduce DH to his autism, but because I know it can be a relevant factor particularly at times when his behaviour doesn't make a lot of sense to me

Exactly. I assumed it was the equivalent of him getting me a beauty advent calendar or a Lego one etc instead of a chocolate one at Christmas. He's done that off his own bat for many years.

Which is why I was confused by the Easter egg reply.

And they children tend to vanish to their rooms with their eggs so the idea of it being an activity we all sit around and do together doesn't make a lot of sense.