What outcome would you want if your DH did this?

[Caughtup]

Posting for your opinions
Recently found out my DH has been going to naked nightclub, tantric workshops, plus had a sti check (clear) and equipped himself with comprehensive kit for safe sex.
He said he only danced with other women (naked) and did not do anything, but was prepared to it the opportunity was there
Described the tantric workshop as fully clothed and just hugging
He thinks I am being unreasonable not to want to work on our relationship and seek counselling ( which I previously had suggested and he declined)
At the moment, all I can feel is disgusted, revulsion and really insignificant
How would others feel if you are in my shoes?

Absolutely divorce.

Let the poor man enjoy his hobbies in peace.

Imagine dancing around naked with men you don’t know with hard one eeeew

So there we have it. He is looking outside of the marriage for no strings sexual experiences and for him, it’s your fault.

That’s why he wants you to go to counselling - so that you can take responsibility for not giving him sex which made him frustrated. So he isn’t fully responsible for his actions.

If he was frustrated, he could’ve masturbated. But no, he went off exploring something very different.

No one jumps from feeling frustrated to naked nightclubs. There will have been actions and behaviours over a longer period which led up to it.

For me, there would be no coming back from this. The trust has not not been broken but it has been smashed beyond repair.

I would agree to some sort of counselling but only to help navigate the separation and divorce. There would be no other option.

I would divorce. He would have cheated if he had the opportunity which is bad enough, but he's been lying to you from start to finish. He is no longer committed to you.

Question though - if you took him back do you think you could ever trust him 100%? If the answer is no then your relationship is over. Rip the plaster off and kick him out now instead of in a year or two time.

Thanks for all your replies. It is good to have your opinions, this is not something that you can discuss with family or friends easily. I have felt very lonely.
I will delete this thread shortly as don't want it featuring in the DM

Its ok to end the relationship. He hasn’t go e about it gracefully or honorably but marriage shouldn’t be a miserable, sexless, trap where you hang onto each other like grim death. He wants sex and physical intimacy and that isn’t available in the marriage, for whatever reason. You should divorce and you both can seek happiness elsewhere.

Ugh, he sounds nasty. I just don't believe that about the STI tests though if he's been using a gloryhole he might well worry about catching something that way. I would just end the marriage though. I'm not sure I'd even be able to look at him, tbh.

Any half decent DH, would suggest ways to improve your situation. Counselling or other things to do together.

male obvs 😛

I would divorce and make sure his friends and family know why I was divorcing.

he could have took up golf or axe throwing

I would have thought that the more normal and decent thing to do, would be to talk to one's spouse BEFORE engaging in tantric workshops, naked nightclubs and so on? Correct me if I'm wrong....I've been single since divorcing my XH and it's been a few years! If I'm not wrong (and I don't think I am!), then I am confused as to why he hasn't done this in the first instance (or agreed to counselling before).

The outcome of his actions - for me - would be to divorce him.

Also - and please forgive me, I really don't want to make light of this shitty situation - I now have the vision in my head of a bunch of naked folk doing the macarena or the YMCA.

We would be breaking up. If he truly thought he'd done nothing wrong he wouldn't have kept it from you would he? Yeuch.

Of course he shagged someone. Anyway, you didn't sign up for this when you married him so the relationship (if that's what you can call it) is well and truly over. Show him the door.

Probably not gross for the people that are there dancing with him. They’re hardly prudes if they’re there as well 😂

I’d divorce him without hesitation.

Really? I read that post as deeply sarcastic!

The problem is trust, he has broken it and now you dont trust him. It doesnt matter that he says he didnt have sex with anyone else, you dont trust him anymore so what he says is meaningless. Anyway he wanted too, so that he couldn't quite pull it off (allegedly) is irrelevant, he would have if could have. Without trust in a partnership there really isnt anything left - its like a mobile phone with no service or wifi, all you can do is play games.

Beyond, beyond the pale.

re-reading, you may, in fact, be absolutely correct @AllProperTeaIsTheft nae bother.

eta; I do stand corrected 🙂

I think that even if you could move past the secrecy and betrayal in your marriage, you would need to understand whether your sexual preferences are even aligned anymore. For instance, if you had met him and up front he told you he was into these type of clubs and tantric sex, would you have been interested? Some people just want a vanilla sex life with someone they fancy and that’s ok too.

He’s trying to gaslight you and that’s emotionally abusive. He’s shown you who he is. I would leave him.

Yeah that's not gonna work for me. What a numpty.

I felt like that when my exH started going to fetish clubs and taking numerous photos of himself wearing rubber gear. I don't think he ever took a photo of me.
Good riddance, I have zero tolerance for this bullshit.