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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What outcome would you want if your DH did this?

133 replies

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:09

Posting for your opinions
Recently found out my DH has been going to naked nightclub, tantric workshops, plus had a sti check (clear) and equipped himself with comprehensive kit for safe sex.
He said he only danced with other women (naked) and did not do anything, but was prepared to it the opportunity was there
Described the tantric workshop as fully clothed and just hugging
He thinks I am being unreasonable not to want to work on our relationship and seek counselling ( which I previously had suggested and he declined)
At the moment, all I can feel is disgusted, revulsion and really insignificant
How would others feel if you are in my shoes?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 17/04/2025 11:24

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:21

He has said 2 answers to this, first so he could prove it was clear should he have had chance to have sexual activity, then he said it was because the toilets at the club were grim

Show quote history

The toilets were grim?! You can’t catch an STI from a dirty loo
he sounds terrible
I’m so sorry / divorce is the only way forward

CagneyNYPD1 · 17/04/2025 11:24

So did he have the STI check before or after visiting the naked nightclub? Or both?

BlondeMummyto1 · 17/04/2025 11:24

pikkumyy77 · 17/04/2025 11:22

I think almost the most concerning thing is that he has jumped feet first into this covert swingers lifestyle—tantric sex for the punters ?? OMFG (sic)—and is gaslighting you by asserting this is normal and you should want to participate. This isn’t taking up orienteering or hill walking. Its sex with strangers.

Your marriage is over and, not only did he end it he blew it apart.

It makes you question what else has he been up to over the years.

He is a selfish bastard.

pikkumyy77 · 17/04/2025 11:25

Of course he had the STI test before because his partners and the organization require it. He will get tested periodically and have to show it.

MiserableMrsMopp · 17/04/2025 11:26

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:14

Thanks, he is doing my head in, making out I am being unreasonable for not wanting to try. Even if he has not done the deed, his intention was there and behaviours beyond weird

Absolutely is weird! Is he 50ish? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. The prat will lose his wife and it sounds as if the only shagging he's going to get to do is either with a hooker or dry humping.

jolies1 · 17/04/2025 11:26

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:21

He has said 2 answers to this, first so he could prove it was clear should he have had chance to have sexual activity, then he said it was because the toilets at the club were grim

Show quote history

He knows full well he can’t catch an STI from a toilet seat.

He had an STI check in case someone wanted to have sex with him. You don’t need to forgive him because he couldn’t find anyone who actually wanted to shag him!!

GeorgianaM · 17/04/2025 11:28

He would be drop kicked into the bin immediately.

You should not have to work on your relationship, it's not like he's the only man in the world, is he?

Bin him as he's absolutely ghastly and in time you will find someone who loves, respects and cherishes you, unlike this fool who can't see past the end of his dick.

jolies1 · 17/04/2025 11:28

Eyesopenwideawake · 17/04/2025 11:23

So the intent was there. And he wanted the 'dirty loo seat' get out clause.

What a prince amongst men. I hope your next husband is better. X

Show quote history

Can’t believe anyone is still using this excuse!

I’ve had to use plenty of grotty nightclub and other toilets in my life…I’ve never felt the need to take an STI check afterwards!

gamerchick · 17/04/2025 11:32

OP, even in an open relationship this sort of shit wouldn't be acceptable I don't think. He's flaunting his kinks in front of you and doesn't care how it makes you feel.

Theres no coming back from it. It puts your own health at risk of you're still sleeping with him.

Endofyear · 17/04/2025 11:43

From what you've said, he's obviously looking to have sex outside the marriage, if he hasn't already. This would be a deal breaker for me and no, I wouldn't be willing to go to counselling/therapy.

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 17/04/2025 11:44

He thinks I am being unreasonable not to want to work on our relationship and seek counselling

I think he is unreasonable to not discuss this with you before he started doing it. Going to events, buying all the gear, hope it didn't come out of the joint account!

He is being selfish

I would be asking for a separation, and a divorce, why go for an STI test if there was nothing to test for? I don't think you can catch STIs from a toilet seat - i may be wrong im not an expert, or so he could prove he was clean shows intent - also does he often sit down when i pees? - Sorry OP but he is not telling you the truth.

FridaFancy · 17/04/2025 11:45

The STI check shows intent, and he admitted that. Also, absolutely no way did he think he'd caught an STI from the toilets. He's treating you like an idiot.

He'd be my STBExH in your shoes, and you're more than entitled to ditch him for this.

Brutalist · 17/04/2025 11:46

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:21

He has said 2 answers to this, first so he could prove it was clear should he have had chance to have sexual activity, then he said it was because the toilets at the club were grim

Show quote history

He’s lying 😔

ItGhoul · 17/04/2025 11:46

Even if he wasn't cheating (which he definitely is, there's no way he had an STI test because 'the toilets were grim' for god's sake) this would still be colossal turn-off for me. Naturism-adajcent nightclubs? Anything with 'tantric' in the name? Yeah, no. My fanny would snap shut like a bulldog clip.

I don't think much could be gained from going to relationship counselling with a man who goes to 'naked nightclubs', pretends he took an STI test because he used an unpleasant toilet and signs up for 'tantric workshops', to be honest. God, he sounds deeply tiresome, as well as an obvious cheat.

SilverButton · 17/04/2025 11:46

I do think it would be worth going to counselling with him OP. Even if it's just to 'manage' your split. Talking it through could still be helpful for you to get closure.

SwordOfOmens · 17/04/2025 11:49

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:14

Thanks, he is doing my head in, making out I am being unreasonable for not wanting to try. Even if he has not done the deed, his intention was there and behaviours beyond weird

He can't make you try if you don't want to.

You're absolutely free to leave him. He broke the terms of your marriage, not you.

It's over. Be happy

Derbee · 17/04/2025 11:49

Divorce.

Anyone who thinks this is ok whilst married has serious mental health issues which he needs to work on by himself.

But divorce.

rainbowstardrops · 17/04/2025 11:49

I’d tell him to fuck off and go and ‘find himself’. Prick.

Growlybear83 · 17/04/2025 11:49

If it was my husband, I would have thrown him out the day I discovered this. There’s no way I would spend another night under the same roof as a man who cheated and deceived me like this.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 17/04/2025 11:50

Caughtup · 17/04/2025 11:21

He has said 2 answers to this, first so he could prove it was clear should he have had chance to have sexual activity, then he said it was because the toilets at the club were grim

Show quote history

What was he doing in the toilets so demand an STI check? Id rather not know.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 17/04/2025 11:51

pikkumyy77 · 17/04/2025 11:22

I think almost the most concerning thing is that he has jumped feet first into this covert swingers lifestyle—tantric sex for the punters ?? OMFG (sic)—and is gaslighting you by asserting this is normal and you should want to participate. This isn’t taking up orienteering or hill walking. Its sex with strangers.

Your marriage is over and, not only did he end it he blew it apart.

Absolutely my first thought - I mean, WTF?!

He refused to go to relationship counselling, then jumped straight into pursuing a swinging lifestyle without telling you, and now, because you don’t want to endorse his cheating sexual experimentation, you’re the problem?

The fact he’s justifying this and seems to think it’s fine is beyond bizarre. Oh, and as PPs have said, unless he’s 13 years old, he knows you can’t get an STI from a dirty loo and he’s prepping a cover story should he need it, which in all likelihood means he’s lying about the ‘no sexual contact’.

The outcome I’d want, OP, is the skeevy fuck out of my house and my life, and to be left in peace to enjoy my own freedom and my half of the marital assets.

wizzywig · 17/04/2025 11:51

I'd be vomiting at the thought of my husband dancing naked and even saying the word tantric. But maybe your husband is a hottie with great moves.
This is way too much nonsense. He is living some weird Russell brand freak life.
How did you find out?

FetchezLaVache · 17/04/2025 11:52

I can't see there's any possible way of coming back from this - the naked nightclub business sounds really fucking grim and even if there's the slightest chance he didn't shag anyone, he went with every intention of doing so, which alone would be IT in my book. But then there's the fact he's trying to make you the bad guy for refusing to go to counselling when you suggested it before this whole nonsense and he said no! He's a disgrace.

ARichtGoodDram · 17/04/2025 11:52

He has said 2 answers to this, first so he could prove it was clear should he have had chance to have sexual activity, then he said it was because the toilets at the club were grim

So he was intending to cheat on you if the opportunity was there...

I'd divorce him for that. Lying and cheating isn't acceptable in any relationship.

The insult of expecting you to believe his sti test was anything to do with dirty toilets would be divorce worthy alone imo.

wizzywig · 17/04/2025 11:53

The loo seats are grim because people like him are using them